I've always had this anger that feels like it lies under the surface of all of my emotions. People I trust and people I don't even know have mentioned that they sense this about me.
I rarely 'snap' and I haven't been in a fight in ages (a few close encounters but never to the point of throwing fists) I can be in a great mood but the slightest perceived affront makes me become confrontational and wanting to 'correct' the individual who I believe has 'wronged' me. Am I trying to prove something to myself or others?
I attend NA meetings regularly and I was told today by someone I trust that she knows of a few people in the rooms that are intimidated or afraid of me. I want good people in my life and I truly care about others. I don't want to push people away like that
I don't like it. I fear that its only a matter of time until all this pent up rage will come out at once and I will hurt someone over a misunderstanding. I don't want to be that kind of person.
How do you deal with your anger? Or, even better, how do you become less angry and more peaceful?
* I have found that exercising actually makes me more aggressive.
* Therapy isn't an option until I get health coverage.
Any advice would be appreciated.
note: I suspect my anger could be based on the fact that I am actually someone who is full of fear but I can't say for certain
I have seen a PTSD specialist for now bout 7 weeks i believe it is: it has certainly made me understand my anger - controlling / managing can be quite different story my dude.
I have similar issues , top off the fact lifting makes me ready to fight - boxing / mma makes me want to get a bout ... all of those add in a lot of anabolic / androgenic steroids , my mood has to be monitored or I become quickly someone I regret dearly later on as I my rapid cycling wears away.
Insomnia also does me in , this is third day straight with no sleep - if I wasn't obsessed w/so many things to do with music / art , smack in the mid of school , and obviously the lifts as we've talked thats just lifestyle, same as fighting. I would honestly lose it without those breaks - because at night it's just that knowledge, 3-4am weekdays - 6:30am , you will be alone and aint shit you can do bout it. That drives me wicked angry dude, I used to go out what not .. find a beach n shit read n just relax , one time a cop came said beach was closed, tried explaining nicely, spent the night in jail. . . my anger is awful when it breaks.
I'll be frank - I'm MUCH calmer and at peace with the world now than ever before - the ability to see things clearer and with a different aspect in terms of what did you wake up today for ? (in the past my fix, today - well everything from cooking meals for the week lifts, psych journals to read , to simple things like taking something you like and splurging - i love shoes / watches / hats - obsessively , so figure in a daily addiction of around 300-400$ back inthe OC days , I figure once a week going a bit nutty is FINE !!!!). Doesn't have to be money , just whatever you can enjoy bro.
My anger is ABSOLUTELY a result of fear - I can't sleep on my stomach - since the rapes as a kid I cannot have someone read over my shoulder - you name it I will fucking freak and it's landed me in front of a lot of trouble and thankfully a good lawyer with the facts to back why such a thing would occur.. I don't fear that fuck anymore lol, look what he does - I'm sorry i prefer my girl whose beautiful .... than being a total waste of llfe preying one a naive form of human being , the weak leading the weaker.
I have had to accept being vulnerable to make the changes OD. Where I used to get angry, sometimes I see life pass by and it is sad - the people the "cliche" groups that bother me , i still want to fight each and every one of those guys LOL but !!! I don't , and I do feel bad when I see children walking around with no family in a mall - whereas before I honestly was numb and angry, i'd want the kid to just stay the fuck away form me so I didn't get slowed down.
I'm terrified of babies btw , im getin there but damn I'm gonna break em i swear !
^ all fear to anger for me dude - In my NA group it's a given that my problems are with anger , I haven't had much progress there... Honestly the things that work best for me 1) MOST IMPORTANT - if you have your ltc (license to carry) put that banger in the safe ... trust me on this , I carry maybe 1 or 2 nights out of the week - before everyday 24/7. 2) vulnerable , find a person where your fear can become a tool, and open other emotions - in the same sense apply the anger... why do you think I do the lifts , the fights and I love goin to the range shooting myself out of copper for bullets LOL!!! You need those releases brother.
best of luck man - you can hit me up # anytime you got it now - be eaz