How do you manage your anger?

[OverDone]

I've always had this anger that feels like it lies under the surface of all of my emotions. People I trust and people I don't even know have mentioned that they sense this about me.

I rarely 'snap' and I haven't been in a fight in ages (a few close encounters but never to the point of throwing fists) I can be in a great mood but the slightest perceived affront makes me become confrontational and wanting to 'correct' the individual who I believe has 'wronged' me. Am I trying to prove something to myself or others?

I attend NA meetings regularly and I was told today by someone I trust that she knows of a few people in the rooms that are intimidated or afraid of me. I want good people in my life and I truly care about others. I don't want to push people away like that

I don't like it. I fear that its only a matter of time until all this pent up rage will come out at once and I will hurt someone over a misunderstanding. I don't want to be that kind of person.

How do you deal with your anger? Or, even better, how do you become less angry and more peaceful?

* I have found that exercising actually makes me more aggressive.

* Therapy isn't an option until I get health coverage.

Any advice would be appreciated.

note: I suspect my anger could be based on the fact that I am actually someone who is full of fear but I can't say for certain

 

[Lolie]

Anger usually has some other underlying emotion - fear, frustration, disappointment, etc. I try to identify the underlying emotion and deal with that.

One thing to try is observing your emotions rather than engaging them. It's a cliche, but your thoughts and feelings really do have only as much power as you give them.

There are online CBT programmes which can help you learn to identify the thoughts which lead to the emotions and they cost nothing. There's are also a lot of online guides to the various Buddhist techniques of non-attachment to your desires, observing your emotions etc.

It sounds like your "great" moods are actually pretty shallow if they can be disrupted by small stuff - that they exist at a very superficial, surface level. I think pretty much everyone feels some kind of crazy when their surface emotions are in conflict with their deeper feelings - it's like you're lying to yourself and everyone else about who you really are. You don't want to look at the anger because you're worried that it will be overwhelming and uncontrollable.

It sounds like exercise is triggering your fight or flight response. Back in the day when I used to have panic disorder, the accelerated heart rate from exercise would cause a full-on panic attack in me (the "flight" response). It sounds like it might be triggering the "fight" response in you. See if doing exercise which doesn't raise your heart rate enough to make you pump adrenalin makes a difference.

How's your sleeping pattern at the moment? Are you clenching your fists or your jaw in your sleep or hunching your shoulders?

Do you know any progressive relaxation exercises? They're really useful when you feel your body starting to tense up in anger - it's hard to maintain the anger if you physically relax your body.

I disengage both physically and mentally when I find myself getting angry - that gives me breathing space to assess whether my anger is justified and whether I want to do anything about it.

Is it possible that you like the "edgy" feeling that confrontation brings? Adrenaline's a pretty powerful hormone and there's definitely a "rush" which comes with it.

 

[deadhead507461]

I use to run and run and run for miles and would just have that alone time where you can be totally honest with yourself about what is bothering you..
There is this point when you think you cannot keep running but you start thinking about what angers you and you just keep truckin'..
Using all that anger, you need to take it out on yourself by pushing your body to its absolute limit... Then keep on running.
You might scream, cry or just sit quiet and humble for the rest of the day when your done.. The endorphins will be sky high.
Let it all out physically and mentally, leave every trouble and worry on the pavement and trust me, you will become humble and centered in one run.

Methamphetamine doesn't really manage my anger, but when I use it; the empathy effect helps me talk about personal issues, and also helps me listen to my friend (also smacked) about his life struggles...
In a way we both release a lot of built up frustration by being able to talk about it and brainstorm off each other..

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I listen to very loud and abrasive music.

Some times, I will just imagine what I feel propelled to do, instead of actually doing it, and then regretting what I did later.

How do you deal with your anger? Or, even better, how do you become less angry and more peaceful?

* I have found that exercising actually makes me more aggressive.

* Therapy isn't an option until I get health coverage.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Really? Exercise makes you more aggressive? Are you talking about muscular exercise or cardiovascular exercise?

I guess my last tip is to have a healthy sex life. If that's something you already have then I'm not sure what else to recommend to be honest.

Are you currently quitting any substances or on any at this time?

 

[Sweet P]

Although I've been taught a lot of strategies by psychologists and counsellors over the years, I don't tend to manage anger very well, which may be related to my borderline personality disorder. Usually I'll do one of three things:

1) Bottle it up and ruminate over it again and again.
2) Take it out on other people, either physically or verbally.
3) Take it out on myself (cutting, abusing drugs, self-harming, etc.)

 

[Bojangles69]

Coping with anger:

1) Gym/lift weights
2) Run/jog/bike/walk/swim/ski
3) Sex/masturbate
4) Punch a punching bag
5) Buy a sequencer, make music (this helps me a lot, its a great way to truely "escape")
6) Do lawn work, cut a tree down, axe up firewood for winter.
7) Wrestle with your pets (if you have any)
8) Pick a "play fight" with a brother, sister, relative, friend.
9) Walk to an isolated forest, find a stump/tree to sit on, close your eyes, and just breathe/meditate. You can get books on deep breathing before you go, it helps a lot.
10) Have sex again. =]

Hope this helps!

 

[artaxerxes]

It's like you were describing me in your post: from the increased anger during working out to the barely concealed anger underneath the surface, feeling I'll snap, literally seeing red sometimes when I'm triggered, suspecting that fear is the underlying condition.

I used to run like Deadhead described… to the point of exhaustion and past. That helped quite a bit. Until that behavior aggravated my back injury until I needed surgery. My anger helped cripple me and now I no longer have that outlet. In fact, my anger was the original cause of my injury when I was in college.

Here are some of the things that have helped:
• Meditation
• Assessing the roots of my fear and anger. Writing them down so that I can let them go.
• Analyzing exactly what's making me angry when I feel like I could snap (this has been a very useful practice)
•Hiking
•Swimming
• Creating music
•Writing
•Taking photos
• Drawing (requires me to be patient, distracts me from angry thoughts)

•Walking for miles and miles:
I try to practice Chi Walking now: including not allowing myself to think angry thoughts. (There's way more to it than that. You may want to research it.) I also keep a text file where I store positive/non-angry thoughts. When I'm totally out of my mind with rage, or going in that direction, I usually can't come up with thoughts that don't make me angry.

So I decided to work on compiling a list of things to think about. Things that would distract me enough so that I can't feed my anger. I keep it on my phone now and use it when I find I'm slipping into an angry mind-state.


Basically, since I allowed my constant anger and bad coping skills to physically cripple me, I've had to learn to be more patient. And it's worked. It's been hard, but using the positive/non-angry thoughts exercise I described above has helped significantly.

Also, I do think that analyzing my angry thoughts was really helpful with practice. In many cases, I would find that I was interpreting a current situation as if it were a situation from my childhood/youth in which I was powerless and physically abused. I couldn't recognize that before when I was angry. Once I could see what my mind was doing, it was possible to reject those thought processes as inappropriate to my current life.

All of this change was the result of tons of practice and maybe 10 years of work. It wasn't a quick process. But I am definitely WAY less angry than I used to be.

From reading your posts, I think that you're a lot more in tune with what's going on in your mind than I was when I started trying to address my own problem, so I really think you'll be able to make changes in this arena in a short period of time. I'm a very stubborn beast.

 

[OverDone]

It sounds like your "great" moods are actually pretty shallow if they can be disrupted by small stuff - that they exist at a very superficial, surface level. I think pretty much everyone feels some kind of crazy when their surface emotions are in conflict with their deeper feelings - it's like you're lying to yourself and everyone else about who you really are. You don't want to look at the anger because you're worried that it will be overwhelming and uncontrollable.

This is why I think its invaluable to bounce things off of others who have nothing to gain. I strongly suspect that this is VERY accurate. Seriously, if I'm in a 'great' mood that mood shouldn't be so easily altered to the other extreme over ridiculously trivial things

It sounds like exercise is triggering your fight or flight response. Back in the day when I used to have panic disorder, the accelerated heart rate from exercise would cause a full-on panic attack in me (the "flight" response). It sounds like it might be triggering the "fight" response in you. See if doing exercise which doesn't raise your heart rate enough to make you pump adrenalin makes a difference.

How's your sleeping pattern at the moment? Are you clenching your fists or your jaw in your sleep or hunching your shoulders?

My sleep schedule is very out of whack right now. I haven't noticed clenching my fists but I do clench my jaw rather tight when in bed and throughout the night when I am tossing and turning

Do you know any progressive relaxation exercises? They're really useful when you feel your body starting to tense up in anger - it's hard to maintain the anger if you physically relax your body.

Is it possible that you like the "edgy" feeling that confrontation brings? Adrenaline's a pretty powerful hormone and there's definitely a "rush" which comes with it.

No I don't know of any relaxation exercises but after I click 'Submit Reply' I'm going to start Googling for some techniques (as well as online CBT methods) that you mentioned.

Is it possible that you like the "edgy" feeling that confrontation brings? Adrenaline's a pretty powerful hormone and there's definitely a "rush" which comes with it.

I'm unsure of this because, get this... I actually can't stand confrontation. I think the urge to fight is either a way for me to somewhat right wrongs that I feel have occurred to me (and others) as well as a somewhat sick desire to actually get my ass kicked badly

I use to run and run and run for miles and would just have that alone time where you can be totally honest with yourself about what is bothering you..
There is this point when you think you cannot keep running but you start thinking about what angers you and you just keep truckin'..
Using all that anger, you need to take it out on yourself by pushing your body to its absolute limit... Then keep on running.
You might scream, cry or just sit quiet and humble for the rest of the day when your done.. The endorphins will be sky high.
Let it all out physically and mentally, leave every trouble and worry on the pavement and trust me, you will become humble and centered in one run.

I may try this but I'm not sure yet. I recently started smoking again which may impede my ability to incorporate this option

Really? Exercise makes you more aggressive? Are you talking about muscular exercise or cardiovascular exercise?

I guess my last tip is to have a healthy sex life. If that's something you already have then I'm not sure what else to recommend to be honest.

Are you currently quitting any substances or on any at this time?

I rarely do cardio. Typically I do a shit load of push ups, pull ups and crunches. I suspected that the increased testosterone gained from exercise may be a key factor but I have no science to back that hypothesis up

I'm actually very fortunate to be having the best sex I've had in my life with someone I trust and care about (the feelings are reciprocated). The best part is that there is none of the standard nonsense that comes with this type of deal. We are 'friends with benefits' who actually care

I am actually am currently 8 days clean from an everyday IV coke and occasional IV heroin habit. I've ALWAYS been angry like this though. I do believe that this may be attributing to an increase in my anger

Coping with anger:

1) Gym/lift weights
2) Run/jog/bike/walk/swim/ski
3) Sex/masturbate
4) Punch a punching bag
5) Buy a sequencer, make music (this helps me a lot, its a great way to truely "escape")
6) Do lawn work, cut a tree down, axe up firewood for winter.
7) Wrestle with your pets (if you have any)
8) Pick a "play fight" with a brother, sister, relative, friend.
9) Walk to an isolated forest, find a stump/tree to sit on, close your eyes, and just breathe/meditate. You can get books on deep breathing before you go, it helps a lot.
10) Have sex again. =]

Hope this helps!

I think the most realistic of these (for me) would be walking, swimming, punching the heavy bag, stroll thru the forest and have sex. (They are all great ideas but I think the ones I selected from the list would be excellent choices for my personality

Here are some of the things that have helped:
• Meditation
• Assessing the roots of my fear and anger. Writing them down so that I can let them go.
• Analyzing exactly what's making me angry when I feel like I could snap (this has been a very useful practice)
•Hiking
•Swimming
• Creating music
•Writing
•Taking photos
• Drawing (requires me to be patient, distracts me from angry thoughts)
•Walking for miles and miles:

So I decided to work on compiling a list of things to think about. Things that would distract me enough so that I can't feed my anger. I keep it on my phone now and use it when I find I'm slipping into an angry mind-state.

Basically, since I allowed my constant anger and bad coping skills to physically cripple me, I've had to learn to be more patient. And it's worked. It's been hard, but using the positive/non-angry thoughts exercise I described above has helped significantly.

Also, I do think that analyzing my angry thoughts was really helpful with practice. In many cases, I would find that I was interpreting a current situation as if it were a situation from my childhood/youth in which I was powerless and physically abused. I couldn't recognize that before when I was angry. Once I could see what my mind was doing, it was possible to reject those thought processes as inappropriate to my current life.
.

don't be surprised if I shoot you a PM sometime in the near future, artaxerxes

I do believe that fear is definitely the underlying cause of this.

I heard a dude say tonight, 'Thoughts aren't real and feelings aren't forever'. It kind of clicked for me. I suspect that I walk a line between fantasy and reality in my head.

Thanks for all the EXCELLENT input everyone.

The three things that I seem to be focusing on concerning my character flaws are fear, self-centeredness and anger.

I won't tackle them all at once but the anger/fear is CRITICAL for me to combat and I truly appreciate you all taking the time to lend me a hand

 

[artaxerxes]

don't be surprised if I shoot you a PM sometime in the near future, artaxerxes

Pls feel free. I was going to come back in here and edit my post to include that. I think we've gone through some similar shit in life…

Either way, I wish you the best with this. It ain't easy, but it can be done.

 

[Lolie]

If the "thoughts aren't real and feelings aren't forever" thing resonates with you, check out meditation and the more Buddhist oriented therapies like Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (which is one of the few therapies found to be effective for those with Borderline Personality Disorder). They're all about not over-indulging your thoughts and emotions. I like them because you can pick and choose which bits you use - they have value even if you don't embrace every single principle.

And yeah, it's highly likely that getting clean is going to increase your irritability in the short-term.

When you Google for online CBT stuff, look for the one operated by the Australian National University. They also operate one for anxiety (which is useful if you think fear underlies your anger) - there's a link to it on the CBT site.

 

[ocean]

Anger usually has some other underlying emotion - fear, frustration, disappointment, etc. I try to identify the underlying emotion and deal with that.

One thing to try is observing your emotions rather than engaging them. It's a cliche, but your thoughts and feelings really do have only as much power as you give them.

There are online CBT programmes which can help you learn to identify the thoughts which lead to the emotions and they cost nothing. There's are also a lot of online guides to the various Buddhist techniques of non-attachment to your desires, observing your emotions etc.

I say exactly this all the time when discussing anger!
Understanding this is how I overcame my own anger issues.

 

[Lolie]

I say exactly this all the time when discussing anger!
Understanding this is how I overcame my own anger issues.

It's amazing how something so simple can work, isn't it? Mind you, just because something's simple doesn't mean it's easy!

Whenever I find myself starting to get angry over minor shit, I also find it useful to look at why I feel the need to be "right" about whatever the issue at hand is. Most of the time it's because I'm in a bitchy mood anyway and just looking for a target.

 

[OverDone]

There's a lot of wisdom to be found here in TDS. Coolest spot in town!

 

[Lolie]

There's a lot of wisdom to be found here in TDS. Coolest spot in town!

We're all smart when it comes to other people's problems - it's our own where our wisdom deserts us.

 

[OverDone]

We're all smart when it comes to other people's problems - it's our own where our wisdom deserts us.

very true. What did Alice say 'I give myself VERY good advice but I very seldom follow it' ?

 

[Help?!?!]

If you have the "snap into a rage" sort of anger as I do then the first step is to find what causes this. I have a ranking of a few things people can do that will make me "rage" and make sure to avoid these things. If people do these things I tell them straight up to stop, that I have an anger problem, and they'll regret it. Most take me seriously and stop those that don't.....never make that mistake again. After you've found the sources of your anger then you have to find what makes you calmest. I find panic attack methods work if you feel yourself start to lose it(ex.slow deep breaths). Then you just put your techniques to use.

 

[Help me please]

Sorry if I am not seeing things as they are but aren't those a pair of Doc Marten's next to your name? You have the skinhead tough guy look going on from your photos which I personally would not be intimidated by at all. I realize you may shave your head because you hairline is receding etc. None the less, you give off an image to people in that NA meeting. They don't need to see you angry or fighting. They see the rest of what you project. Now if you don't wear Doc's in real life or levi's and short sleeved pocket tee's then I am wrong

You can always count to ten before you blow or just say fuck it...it ain't worth the hassle!

 

[jwestlock]

An anger management issue is a very, very good way to ensure you have a shitty life. One outburst where you snap and act abusively towards somebody at work could easily end your career, that kind of stuff isn't tolerated at all. You could snap and assault somebody, and then a criminal record follows you. And then physically itself, anger goes hand in hand with stress, and that creates serious health problems over time.

You need to grow up and realize that other people weren't put on Earth to conform to your notion of how they ought to behave, otherwise you have the potential to create serious problems in your life like I described above, and like you said, it makes you an unpleasent person to spend time with and that harms your ability to live a good life as well.

Just think about how many people have serious health problems, mental illness, poverty, domestic violence etc. knowing that I personally would feel embarassed to act like it were a real slight or big deal if someone was rude to me or wronged me in some minor way, the kinds of little things all sorts of people get worked up over.

There's nothing wrong with responding to situations where you're truly mistreated - although using physical violence as your reaction is almost always a choice you'll end up regretting - but we're talking real things not "the slightest perceived affront" like that kind of ghetto idea of respect, such as getting mad about someone insulting you. That's not real. The solution to that, if someone is saying something really rude or hurtful, is to say "don't do it" and if that doesn't work, then hey that's an easy way to screen out the unpleasent people from your life who you don't want to spend time with.

I've never understood that mentality, as if it's a real position of honour and respect to be surrounded by people who want to call you a jackass but don't because they know you're a psycho who will assault them if they do.

 

[Lolie]

...I have a ranking of a few things people can do that will make me "rage" and make sure to avoid these things. If people do these things I tell them straight up to stop, that I have an anger problem, and they'll regret it. Most take me seriously and stop those that don't.....never make that mistake again...

That's putting the responsibility for your anger on other people and making them responsible for your lack of restraint. It's what abusers do, so you might want to work on some better strategies before it becomes habitual behaviour.

 

[Help?!?!]

That's putting the responsibility for your anger on other people and making them responsible for your lack of restraint. It's what abusers do, so you might want to work on some better strategies before it becomes habitual behaviour.

When your politely asking someone to stop doing something because you will eventually lose it if they refuse to stop is irresponsible? This situation is pretty much dedicated to when people decide they want to fight me which i'll want no part of until they push me there. I've worked on my anger for years and gotten the number of things that could quickly make me lose it to around 3 or 4. I feel if I warn you and try to leave the situation(which I do and have done)and you stop me and continue on then its on you IMO. Believe me unless I want to fight someone the best I can do is try to leave as fast as possible. Maybe I should have told you that my kind of issue is a blackout rage one. So I have no control of what I do under the veil of rage, I can only try my hardest to prevent it. I don't know if you can understand this unless its happened to you but if you met me IRL you'd find the least serious clown around. I bet that you wouldn't even guess I had this issue.