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Thread: Letter to Your Disease/Addiction

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    Letter to Your Disease/Addiction 
    Bluelighter xxkcxx's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    in a snuggie
    I don't know how many of you have heard of this exercise, but in a lot of rehabs, they have you write a "Dear John" letter to your drug of choice, addiction, disease, etc.

    It is a way to grieve and begin the healing process. You can tell your affliction how much you love and hate it at the same time, how much you wish things could have turned out differently, how much it hurt you and your loved ones, and all the things it took from you.

    If any of you feel up to sharing, I would love to hear what you have to say.

    I'm in the process of writing another one, and I will post it when I finish. In the mean time, I'd love to hear yours
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    Bluelighter the_ketaman's Avatar
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    Oct 2005
    Nth of Sydney
    Yeah I was just about to say this is what a lot of rehabs do, ive done it a few times while inside. I wish I could find my original letter to ice(meth) and weed but it would take forever so ill write a new one, this will be on oxy and xanax too coz those are the problem these days.

    Dear Xanadu(heh lol) and Cody(oxy)

    Guys I got a few things I need to let you know, ill try to keep it short but sweet.

    Once apon a time you two were really good friend, some of the things you have done for me noone else could do. In times of stress, anger and depression you entered my heart and mind and helped me sort out a lot in my head that at the time I thought I would never come to terms with but unfortunately this didnt last so long, its not your fault either, I abused you as a friend and in the end I paid the ultimate price. I thought that if I made a better relationship with oxy then there would be no problems but as soon as I picked up that syringe you turned your back on me as well as xanadu and I hate to say that it has left some scars which im not sure if they'll be permanent.

    I am now ready to leave you guys because its not a healthy relationship anymore, the needles and chasing you around all day is killing me, sometimes I think that if I see you again then it might be the last time I see anyone so I cant do it anymore. You guys have murdered enough people and I dont want to join that bandwagon.

    You wont be seeing me aainnso I will bid you fairwell and if you had a brain then id tell you some of the aweful things your doing to people but dont worry, its getting around, you have almost gained the reputation your daddy(h) has so im sure it wont be long before you lose a lot more friends and end up being the scum that your father became.

    Just do what you were put on earth to do and that is take care of people with pain, stop wasting yourself on addicts like me, plus you wont want to be around me anymore because you will end up getting your head flushed down the toilet, so yer stay away or you will get crushed and end up swimming with the toilet fishies. The only chance you'll be seeing me again will be after a see louey or charlie, even then though, if you fuck with my head one more time I will make sure all my friends who see you every now and then never seeyu again. I wont let you do what you did to me to my friends. Xan youve made me do some stupid things, I shot some chris the other night sndkmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    Good bye forever.

    That was kinda crap, the original was much better but its interesting to read other peoples letters. It lets you know alot about the way they think and a lot about their life and personality.

    Id like to read some other letters so get em coming.
    Last edited by the_ketaman; 01-02-2009 at 05:33.
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    Bluelight Crew Bomboclat's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    San Francisco
    Dear Stacey (ecstasy) and Cole (coke),

    I trusted you and you fucked me over. Leaving me broke at times and often in real sticky situations regarding my health. Don't get me wrong i love you guys indefinitely, but I'm not getting much of the love in return.

    Maybe we should take a short beak of each other?
    We'll still see each other, but i think a little less time together would be nice.
    You're swell don't anyone tell you differently, but i don't want to be you're best friend and have to rely on you guys anymore.

    I want to live my own life.

    Much Love

    lol now i feel bad
    maybe well have make up sex later
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    Bluelighter xxkcxx's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    in a snuggie
    Those are great, guys!

    OK, here is mine (the short version):

    Hey, you (addiction):

    I've decided time and again that we need to be over, but like the abused girlfriend, I always come back. I make excuses for how bad you treat me. I tell myself that this next time will be different--I will stand up for myself and won't let you push me around.

    It is never different though. You've separated me from my family and friends, you have taken all my money and convinced me to give up all my worldly goods for you, and you have tricked me into choosing you over everything and everyone including a warm bed at night.

    How can you do it? How can you let me be so loyal and submissive to you? How can you see me so down and out and still kick me when I am down? Why can't you love me just a fraction of as much as I love you? Why can't you show me just a small pinch of the reverence I show you?

    You disgust me. And yet, you are all I think about and crave. You make me physically ill, but have become the only thing that can make me feel better.

    You are SCUM.

    And I just want to be rid of you.

    Fuck OFF! (Don't leave me)

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    Dear Drugs: Why have you deserted me in my time of need? Where are you? Come back to me! I am lost and sober without you.

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    Bluelight Crew Bomboclat's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    San Francisco
    awsome thread kaycee!
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    Bluelight Crew drug_wench's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    auckland, nz
    i wrote this to meth a yr or so later wen my friend i met at rehab relapsed on it
    to protect her privacy as she is well-known (sort of - well NZers might know who she is possibly - and if u do catch on, kiwis, plz respect privacy issues) im calling her sandy
    i originally wrote a letter to meth wen i first came off it too about my relationship with it but unfortunately lost that - pity cos it was quite poignant

    Dear Methamphetamine
    Remember me? The one you put through hell? Remember what I did for you? I stole for you, I slept with randoms for you, I sold you to schoolkids - oh I even cooked you. Then when you'd nearly taken everything from me, including my mind and my horse, you taunted me because I told you to fuck off. You appeared in my dreams every night and even during the day. I lost all my friends to you. They became your friends instead. But I met more new friends. You didn't like that.
    You particularly didn't like my friend Sandy. She told you to fuck off too. She's not my friend because she's rich and famous. Not because she's wild and funny. She's my friend because she wanted to fight you the same way I did.
    It wasn't enough for you to fuck me up and take away all my other friends - you had to suck her back into your grip. You hate to see anyone successfully drop you - you're a possessive fucker. So you own Sandy - she'll probably go to jail because of you. Congratulations - bet you boast to all your mates that you've fucked Sandy.
    And you know what gets me the most? You've fucked me and all my friends yet I don't hate you. I hate to love you. You're a stupid piece of super-pseudoephedrine that I used to put up my arm, put up my nose or smoke out of a crappy dick-shaped glass pipe, yet the feeling you gave me makes me understand why my friend has returned to you. Because we're chained to you for life. Fuck you you cunt. You may not know it but you're not going to win. You'll lose overall - I'll make sure of it. I've been a year without you. Sandy was getting there. We'll beat you. See only the good die young - and Sandy and I aren't good.....we acknowledged that. You're the Master of Puppets but you don't pull my strings anymore - and Sandy's The Trooper so damn it when she's waiting for the next attack, you'd better stand, there's no turning back!
    Ciao methamphetamine - stop fucking with my friends.
    P.S. - And leave my brother alone too.

    props to kc for this thread - its really therapeutic writing a letter to ur DOC and i encourage anyone who hasnt to do so! my methadone counsellor, strangely enough, gave me the idea to write my original letter (i was looking at going on done and needed a few sessions with him to talk over details - decided not to in the end and detoxed instead but thats another story...) and i remember writing it then sitting down and bawling my eyes out
    afterwards i felt so much better
    same thing to a lesser degree with this letter
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    well, how bout lyrics to my disease? its more fun, and can be listened to by addicts here! hey maybe its the wrong thread but these lyrics ARE directed at my disease as I hear the music. This is the fucking music i used to get clean off H. and it REALLY helped, especially if I sung it silently to myself as I read these lyrics. I'm clean and partial thanks to Tool.

    Tool-Bottom(small part of it)
    If I let you, you would make me destroy myself.
    In order to survive you, I must first survive myself.
    I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you.
    theres no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to
    Erase you. Ive gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against You. there is no other choice.

    Tool- The Patient
    A groan of tedium escapes me,
    Startling the fearful.
    Is this a test? It has to be,
    Otherwise I can't go on.
    Draining patience, drain vitality.
    This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

    But I'm still right here
    Giving blood, keeping faith
    And I'm still right here.

    Wait it out,
    Gonna wait it out,
    Be patient (wait it out).

    If there were no desire to heal
    A damaged and broken man along
    This tedious path I've chosen here
    I certainly would've walked away by now.

    And I still may ... [sigh] ... I still may.

    Be patient.
    I must keep reminding myself of this.

    And if there were no rewards to reap,
    No loving embrace to see me through
    This tedious path I've chosen here,
    I certainly would've walked away by now.
    And I still may.

    Gonna wait it out.

    Tool- H
    What's coming through is alive.
    What's holding up is a mirror.
    But what's singing songs is a snake
    Looking to turn this piss to wine.

    They're both totally void of hate,
    But killing me just the same.

    The snake behind me hisses
    What my damage could have been.
    My blood before me begs me
    Open up my heart again.

    And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

    Venomous voice, tempts me,
    Drains me, bleeds me,
    Leaves me cracked and empty.
    Drags me down like some sweet gravity.

    And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

    Without the skin,
    Beneath the storm,
    Under these tears
    The walls came down.

    And the snake is drowned and
    As I look in his eyes,
    My fear begins to fade
    Recalling all of those times.

    I could have cried then.
    I should have cried then.

    And as the walls come down and
    As I look in your eyes
    My fear begins to fade
    Recalling all of the times
    I have died
    and will die.
    It's all right.
    I don't mind.

    I am too connected to you to
    Slip away, to fade away.
    Days away I still feel you
    Touching me, changing me,

    And considerately killing me.


    Sorry if it seems off topic, but it isn't for me. These are my letters to my addiction, and my attempts to understand it and defeat it. I believe these were Maynard's 'letters' to his H addiction he once had supposedly. Or whoever wrote it. These sum up my thoughts as well as they have given me new thoughts about the addiction.

    Addicts, please download these songs, listen to them. Eventually they got through to me more and more. Won't work for everyone. But I hope I can help someone with this post.
    Last edited by mr light; 01-02-2009 at 09:26. Reason: deleted some lyrics out to make this shorter
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    Bluelight Crew drug_wench's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    auckland, nz
    no, mr light, i believe those r perfect for this thread
    lyrics hav helped me in a way too - check out our 'songs that touch your soul' (or something to that effect) thread......u may b able to add some more to there too!
    to me, i believe 'Master of Puppets' (metallica) was like james hetfields (lead singer) letter to cocaine
    btw, im a tool fan too
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    awesome, i love master of puppets. and metallica of course

    i think it is good to have your letter vocalized to your addiction. maybe if it is spoken into a recorder and repeatedly listened to, this could have strong effects, on a subconscious level also which is important since this is where some of our addiction lies. i made a video to myself once describing all the negative effects i was having from addiction and how nasty it was. i then said 'if you are clean watching this, wow. just , that is so great, hang onto it, i'm suffering here'. well, mr. light in the past, i'm finally here clean, thanks for your patience. lol.
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    Bluelighter mrs_mia_wallace's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    dear katie (anorexia)-
    fuck you fuck you fuck you, you have ruined my life, taken everything i ever wanted to do and everything good i ever had because all i wanted to do was pursue you. you're a fucking STD that never goes away, every minute of every day you are continually fucking with me and making me feel disgusting and horrible, guilty and shitty. you've caused me to never be able to have a normal relationship with such a basic thing (food) no matter how much i try and get better. you've ruined my relationship with my family, with friends, with past boyfriends, coaches, my body is a fucked up mess now---nothing in my life is off limits to you.
    however, thank you for stepping into my life because i don't think i would have managed to have gotten through the last ten years without you. you were sort of my escape from the desire to comitt suicide, so thank you for keeping me alive (even though you're simultaneously killing me). and thank you for being so ultimately reliable, i can always count on you to help me out (even if that means taking another couple years off my life.)

    dear margaret (meth),
    you are a sneaky bitch, i may have tried you for the first time willingly but you got me at a disadvantage. you played off my fears and vulnerability, i really had no idea how powerful and cruel you really were at heart. you've managed to screw up any parts of my life that katie didn't get to.
    however, thank you for allowing me to be a better physically fucntioning human being while starving myself... thank you for getting me through bad nights and bad weeks and bad years. like katie you stopped me from having the desire to kill myself.

    i always feel better writing that stuff out (done it in several programs) but the letter writing thing always has the effect on me of just blaming shit on things outside myself.
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    Hey Molly, Crystal,

    Long time no see huh. Or at least it feels that way. I know I haven't seen you guys lately, but I've had some pretty heavy shit going on that I've been trying to sort out. And that's why I'm writing, see I think I need to stay away from you guys. Maybe the fault is mine, maybe a stronger man can say no, but I go crazy when you two are around, and it just isn't healthy. I've lost so much already chasing after you, and even when we are together things aren't quite the same as they used to be.

    Molly, we both knew this was coming. It hasn't been the same for ages right? There used to be a lot of energy, a lot of passion, but maybe I'm just bored with you, or maybe you've just damaged me so much I can't enjoy you anymore, but things had to change. My only regret is not saying this to you earlier, I think I knew deep down inside months ago, that no matter how hard we tried we would never recapture what we had together those first few months. Thanks for what you showed me, but please just leave me alone.

    Crystal, I won't lie, the fault is as much mine as yours. I wanted someone who would pick me up and throw me around and drive me into the ground and make me feel like god and treat me like shit all at once. And we had some pretty wild weekends, the sex was amazing. But you need to stop chasing me, it's been 3 months and I still dream about your smooth glass kiss, your breath that smells like plastic and rotting flowers. This relationship would eat me from the inside if we continued it, you promise so much, but keep it just out of reach, while you take and take and take until there's nothing left. And I just don't have that much to give anymore.

    See I've seen where you guys take people. I've already given so much of my money, my time, my life, my future, my health and sanity, but you guys just keep pushing. I know what lies down that path, I've seen where you took N-, and D-, and I can't be that. I WON'T be that.

    I'd say I hope we can just be friends, hang out occasionally like we used to, but you and I both know that will never work. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough and the memories will be dull enough that I can start going out again and be able to be in the same room as you guys and not throw myself back into your arms and beg you to take me back, but even then, we can't talk anymore. This is goodbye. Please get out of my head, I just want my life back.

    - R
    Last edited by Crankinit; 01-02-2009 at 16:04.
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    I wrote a rap song in rehab. I call it "70 Days"

    70 Days without a beer, a blast, a bump, or a blunt
    It ain't been easy, I ain't gonna front
    Goin' to these meetings, Hour after Hour
    They say "Don't drink and find a higher power"
    But what about them Methadone biscuits and triscuits?
    Or an acid trip on a heroin nod?
    Wasn't that, THAT right there one hell of a God?
    But nah, that addiction was fiction, and I'm not Dr. House
    So you can keep your prescription
    I'm done with bein' my own victim
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    Bluelighter vortex30's Avatar
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    May 2008
    Toronto, Ontario
    Fucking right with the Tool lyrics!!! How about a little APC too?

    A Perfect Circle - Gravity

    Lost again
    Broken and weary
    Unable to find my way
    Tail in hand
    Dizzy and clearly unable to
    Just let this go

    I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
    Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
    I choose to live

    I fell again
    Like a baby unable to stand on my own
    Tail in hand
    Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go

    I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
    Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
    I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

    Catch me heal me lift me back unto the sun
    Help me survive the bottom

    Calm these hands before they
    Snare another pill and
    Drive another nail down another
    Needy hole please release me

    I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
    Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun
    I choose to live, I choose to live


    I just wish I could follow Maynard's guidance, eh?

    Hey Cannabis,

    It has been 30 days and I've never felt better, wait, I take that back, but I'm glad you're out of my life.

    Hey Ketamine,

    Long time no retardation. Hope all is well, I've been thinking about you a lot.

    Hey GHB,

    Hope you don't take me down a dark path.

    Hey LSD,

    We're coming up on a year, and you're still "Touching me, changing me, and considerately killing me" how about you just fuck off and let me have my vision back?

    Hey Addiction,

    Last edited by vortex30; 02-02-2009 at 09:33.
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    Stay out of my life and stop killing my freinds.
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    Bluelighter WatMyConditionIsIn's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    The 51st state, the 4th branch, Canada
    how about pawn shop by sublime

    Down there at the pawn shop it's a wicked way to shop
    down there at the pawn shop if it's not in stone
    down there at the pawn shop at no end, no way to shop

    what has been told
    i found not made of stone
    just remember that it's flesh and bone

    so, why I'm down here at the pawn shop
    down here at the pawn shop..down here at the pawn shop..down here at the pawn shop
    what has been sold, not strictly made of stone
    just remember that it's flesh and bone

    and I have heard, like dike-a-bird yeah
    but just remember that it's flesh and bone
    so why I'm down here at the pawn shop..down here at the pawn shop

    or negative creep by nirvana

    This is out of our range
    and its grown
    This is getting to be
    I'm a negative creep
    and I'm stoned!
    I'm a negative creep
    and I'm ...

    Daddys little girl ain't a girl no more

    This is out of our range
    and its crude
    This is getting to be
    a drone!
    I'm a negative creep
    and I'm stoned!
    I'm a negative creep
    and I'm ...

    Daddys little girl ain't a girl no more


    Daddy's little girl ain't a girl no more
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    Bluelighter xxkcxx's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    in a snuggie
    For any of you who haven't seen this, here is your Disease's letter to YOU!

    (If you don't believe addiction is disease you can easily substitute another word like your DOC or just the word addiction. This is just how it was originally written.)


    I hate recovery. I hate support groups. I hate anyone who has a a support Program.

    To all that come in contact with me, I wish you suffering and death. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the disease of addiction.

    I am cunning, baffling and powerful. That's me! I've killed millions and enjoyed doing it. I love to catch you by surprise. I love pretending I'm your friend and lover.

    I've given you comfort. Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me?I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love it when I make you so numb you can't hurt and you can't cry. You feel nothing at all.

    I give you instant gratification. All I ask in return is long-term suffering. I've always been there for you. When things were going right, you invited me back. You said you didn't deserve to be happy. I agreed with you. Together we were able to destroy your life.

    People don't take me seriously. They take strokes seriously. They take heart attacks seriously. Even diabetes, they take seriously. I'm such a hated disease, yet I don't come uninvited. You choose to have me. Many have chosen me instead of love and peace.

    When you settle for mere existence, I thrive and grow more powerful every day, but when you work to feel fully alive, I weaken. I hate all of you who have recovery. Your Program, your support groups and your persistence weakens me. I can't function in the manner I'm accustomed to. When you have recovery, I must lie here quietly, but I’m always here waiting for you.

    Until we meet again, I wish you Continued suffering and death.

    Your disease
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    Ex-Bluelighter Enki's Avatar
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    Jul 2008
    Dear multiple addictions,

    Back the fuck off . If you can not play nice you will not be allowed to come around at all. When I let you come over you can not trash the place and you can not stay all day anymore. Don't you have a home? If we need to have this talk again expect that I will escalate to more drastic measures. Yes nicotine gets to stay all day and is getting treated differently. He is an all or nothing situation and I'm not ready to evict him yet.
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    Bluelighter mdmantpa's Avatar
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    Feb 2009
    Florida, USA
    This is an awesome thread, thanks KC. I found the letter I wrote in rehab last summer...

    To my disease,

    You used to make me happy. I remember the good times like they were yesterday. What happened to that? I mean I loved you, I fucking loved you! And for what? You tried to kill me you bitch! I brought you everywhere with me, and would do anything for you. Hell I even robbed my own parents and stole out of my little brothers piggy bank so that I could be with you. But know you were playing me the whole time. You knew you had me from the moment we met. I remember it vividly. I was only in fifth grade, and you were the only one there that could take my pain away. I hated my life until I found you. Now I hate it even more. How could you do that to such an innocent kid? You stole my soul with those little rocks and left me completely empty inside. As if that wasn't enough you permanently marked me with your track marks up and down my arms. Like I could ever forget you? You brought me to the deepest, darkest places I could ever imagine. So all i have left to say to you is FUCK YOU!!!

    I'm done with you, and you won't win me back. I've seen you for what you are now, and it disgusts me. Leave me the fuck alone, I don't want anything to do with you ever again!


    ...after we wrote it we were supposed to burn it, but I wanted to keep it to remember. Oh well
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    Disease, you have officially been locked up by drug court and my desire not to go to jail. Like an old girlfriend, I sometimes get nostalgic and romanticize the good times and think that maybe we'll get we'll give it another go when you're released in 2 years. Maybe we'll get it right next time? Just weed this time? Just you and me this time... no psycho girl... she was the problem, not you. You were my best friend, and they took you away...
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    Bluelight Crew ocean's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
    In the shadow of the mountains by the sea
    There are alot of good letters-
    but Enki I got a chuckle out of yours....
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    Bluelight Crew drug_wench's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    auckland, nz
    yea Nicky (nicotine), Kath (caffeine), Mary Jane, Molly and Lucy r always welcome with me still
    (Mary Jane, Molly and Lucy rnt really addictions for me anyway)
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    Nov 2008
    Chicago, Il
    Dear Crack Cocaine,
    i hate you
    i hate you
    i hate you
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    Dear Opium,

    You make me feel like I'm in love. When you are gone, I feel like a part of myself is missing. I know in my heart that I will never leave you.
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    Bluelighter rangrz's Avatar
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    Mar 2008
    Canada eh, we get milk in bags.
    Dear various psychostimulants;
    I fucking love you. You make everything more fun, more awesome and I would rather be with you then with that cunt called sobreity and her sister "normal healthy life" any day.

    the only thing I hate about you is the physical impossiblity of of being with you 24/7 for reasons of insanity, tolerence and the fact my body needs to rest and get some food into sometimes.

    ah well, thats no biggie, and your still 100% worth it. No negative from you has ever been as bad or repulsive as as being a huge faggot with a minivan and 9 to 5....seriously bro, crashing off methylphenidate in the middle of winter 50km from home with no money or credit cards on me is more tolerable then reading the new trendy novel and talking about it with my douchbag friends.

    tl;dr, your fucking awesome and I dont want you to go away.
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