received a PM or two so id thought id clarify a couple things here.
ive had mono or some other nasty virus for a couple months now. as most medicinally inclined will tell you, viruses can flare neurological stuff up. so increase in nerve pain, mania, and my schizoid tendencies. the depression is still pretty bad and living in my skin is a difficult task. just going to work and functioning is a bit of a challenge. not really sure what to think anymore. don't know why im getting this very strange buzzing in my ears, only happens when talking about aliens and its really weird. feel like someone is toying with my head and thats a cruel thing to do someone in my shoes. i feel like an experiment to see what the human mind can take.
after two years of losing my mind, and my health. my insides hurt, my body aches, and it seems my mind has grown legs and wandered off. i have little control of my thoughts anymore. damn zyprexa is poison from hell. i usually seem to have a pretty good grip on reality, but i don't know. not sure what happened to me lately. i feel like crap, but nothing new. i feel ok, for me, but something is going on in my head. spiritual awakening, i don't know. maybe i finally snapped after this long of trying to keep it together.
whatever is happening, its pretty scary, i don't really tell anybody anymore, but im kind of terrified of being stuck like this. I was never schizo before, just depressed. it feels like ice cream scoop chunks are missing out of my brain.
that said, i think most of my brain stuff is a separate issue, bc i feel differently now about everything, but its hard to put into words. dont really know how or why that happened. maybe im just completely nuts now, but things seem more clear in a way.if it weren't so damn painful, itd be kind of interesting. not sure schizophrenia is what we really think it is anyway. for all we know, these folks really do have implants and what not lol.
anyhow, navigating the world in this headspace is a difficult task, i kind of feel like my soul is half ripped out my body, been this way for two years, so idk what to think anymore. i just know when i get going, i have no control over my mind. trying to be ok, breathing, whatever. i try to just go to the park, get on the swing, and just chill out in the sun in my happy place.
so im not really sure about what's happening, would love to go somewhere and get patched up, but its just not the way that it works for us crazies.
whatever is going on, i apologize for being a weirdo. im trying to sort everything out, but i mostly just feel like death. wish i could just feel normal, bc anymore its hard to know whats real and whats just in my head. seems real but brains are fallible. shucks.
be good everybody. cheers.