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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

Thanks everyone for the compliments. This is the only place except NA where I can get what i'm feeling out there. I appreciate everyone that reads whether they agree with me or not.

Most of the weekend I was sending out resumes and visiting businesses looking for an interview. I heard back from a few people and have two interviews lined up tomorrow. The new me, the one without a shotgun pill. If it's a new beginning why am I so frightened? I mean i'm petrified of having to rebuild my whole life. Too much history in this city for me. I have memories of every area of this metropolis. Treading water and trying not to mess any of this up.

Night is always the worst time. Wish I could fast-forward to morning. Night always makes me think of all the mistakes i've made. Replaying each and every of them in varying order. Basis for it is loneliness, in time that will change too hopefully.
 
I just wanted to tell you, that when I first read this thread, I was in the beginning stages of quitting my own oxy habit... you really inspired me and helped me to see that I was making the exact same mistakes. I too feel nervous about rebuilding my life....everything seems oddly strange and unfamiliar now that I am done with that shit, but I know (hope) that in time everything will feel normal again. It's like we get used to instant happiness by putting shit up our nose that our brain forgets how to find happiness in just being alive....good luck to you, sounds like you are doing all the right things now, and you are definitely not alone, many people here and everywhere are going through similar things. we will make it <3
 
jay, it is fucking scary doing wat ur doing
NA advise that u take at least a yr off all responsibilities like work and school wen ur cleaning up, but i guess thats over here where theres a lot more in the way of welfare
i dont blame u freaking out a bit, and i want to tell u i admire ur bravery
i havnt looked for a job yet - im looking at starting uni and doing a small course part-time wen im 10 months clean
i hope all goes well for u - ur doing well and r an inspiration to many of us here <3
 
Nah, getting a job was required in the halfway house I was at if you were at least two weeks clean. You either came home with 7 applications filled out or you found a new place to sleep that night.

Job searching sucks, especially when you're recovering but when you land something it really helps you have something to focus on other than your own crazy addict brain. :) Best of luck.
 
In the Zone 614: Good luck in your recovery. For me it's a minute to minute thing sometimes. Onward and Upward to you!

This has been a real odyssey for me. I'm attempting to re-integrate back into society without drugs. Not sure it's time to take off the training wheels but I have no alternative. To be self-sufficent again is my goal. To get some pride back in my heart and be of use somehow. I cried alone in my room late last night, rewinding everything that's happened and brought me to this point. It's really something I can only do in privacy. I'm carrying enough of a burden, my sister and her husband didn't need front row seats to that display.

Had a couple of job interviews Tuesday. My anxiety level is off the charts. Thankfully it wasn't outwardly seen even though my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. The first interview was for a position at a Gym doing some personal training. The manager of the club was quite cordial and nice. She complemented me on my appearance and said I looked like some actor she knew. Guess we all have a twin out there somewhere perhaps. I heard back from them early this morning for a second interview tomorrow. A positive sign with a hopeful job offer coming. This is a fresh start in a sense but this newfound depression is a dark cloud hovering over my head everywhere I go. I want it to dissipate soon, it's getting the best of me right now.
 
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depression is common wen coming off opiates
hopefully having a job (well done wiv ur interview) means u wont hav time to keep locked up inside ur head, which i can imagine wud b going 100 mph atm
hang in there jay - wat u r doing is brave
and its so worth it!
 
I'm sorry I haven't checked in for awhile. I got a job at a gym doing personal training. Will be a good flexible job when I go back to school in January. I really don't know who I am anymore. Do you ever have a conversation with someone and their lips are moving but you're not hearing a word they're saying? I do that all day long. I have started drinking beer after work with my brother in law. I'm weak in that sense and wanted to bond with him so i've had a few.

The depression is really consuming me. I often think i've fucked my serotonin levels by taking so much oxy. Getting pleasure in anything is tough at the moment. People at work are nice and give me compliments but they just roll off me. This fucking fog in my head is consuming me. I just want to be normal again.
 
^^^

Just be careful with the booze. Quite a few people who quit opiates switch to booze... myself included. I drank heavily for 2 years after I quit and I'm still struggling with it somewhat... I'm not getting drunk often at all but I still always want to have a few.
 
im wiv phactor on the booze thing
r u still going to NA?
really glad uve got a job
ur early in recovery - dont expect to feel ur natural endorphins coming back for a gd while
for sum ppl it can take yrs - depends how long u did the dope for
 
Amazing thread, read it start to finish.

Hope you feel better man. I've never had an opiate habbit, but I can tell from you and many others that its not something I want to fuck with. You can feel some pride in the fact that you've helped me decide that im never ever going to go down that path.
 
Phactor: Yeah I know, it's a slippery slope and quite moronic on my part. I'm going to try and eliminate the beer. On the bright side your Sox are on a hot streak. I guess Ozzie's tirade a couple weeks ago worked. Sorry I'm a big baseball fan and saw your avator.

It's called thrusting: Thanks for the feedback. This is where I feel most comfortable expressing.

DW: I still go to three NA meetings a week. I should do more but i'm working a lot of hours at the moment and don't want to piss off my employer. Good to see you around.

Care: Thanks for the kudos. I'm glad you're steering clear of the opiates. It's fairytale beginning with a nightmare end most of the time.

I've really let this thread fall by the wasteside which I shouldn't have. Everyone here has been there for me and I should continue to reciprocate. As stated in my last message I'm working at a gym full time. While not my life's dream it is something that gives me both things I like to do. One is to help people get in shape and feel more confident and two is to resume my hard weight training regime without having to pay for a gym membership. In essence I guess I accomplished both those feats. The iron helps keep my mind off the drugs for increments of time and gives me the natural high. With that said I still think of getting high every single day. It won't leave me for months or even years.

Through work I've met a beautiful woman on the outside, I'm not sure what she looks like on the inside yet. For some ongodly reason she is quite fond of me. If she knew how fucked and damaged I am inside she would run for the hills and not even shoulder check. I can tell she wants me to ask her out. In my fragile mental state it would be a catostrophic mistake so I haven't. Like any human being she wants to know more about the person she is conversing with. Who I am? What makes me tick? I guess it's not a good topic starter to say drugs made me tick........ like a timebomb. So instead I give the mundane answers such as well I like to read,exercise,cook,movies. The same normal surface BS lists that one would give. She also doesn't know that I've applied to go to school for my Master's in Addiction Councelling. That would open a can of worms I'm not ready to uncover.

Still living with my sister and brother in law. The sooner I get my own space the better. While my personality around others is that of an extrovert, I very much prefer and am more relaxed as an introvert and loner. My parents and I still aren't speaking. I want to mend that fence soon. I just don't feel i've displayed enough positive attributes to do so yet.
 
I can totally relate and I can tell you from personal experience that Suboxone is a miracle-maker. I would highly recommend it for your situation... it will take away any cravings you have, and (at least in my case) you'll still notice a lot of the same benificial effects you got from opiates in the first place (relieving anxiety, helping insomnia, etc.)... You can beat this and it doesn't have to be as miserable as you might think. Talk to a doc about medical detox... inpatient or outpatient.


Edit: I'm so sorry I missed the part about you being homeless. The one problem with medical detox is that it ain't cheap (as I'm sure you know) :( ... If you can find someone that is willing to help you financially if you convince them that you're really serious about getting on the right track.... Good luck.
 
^i think hes past needing medical detox
ur flying along, jay
b very proud of urself
if 3 meetings a week is all u can make then thats fine
i only usually go to 4 a week
i wud b honest with this woman if i were u - thats wat is the key factor that makes relationships work
i hav told all my new friends at the farm i graze my horse at that i am an addict
i didnt go into detail, except with my closest friends.....like they dont need to know about how i obtained the drugs or how i administered them
they dont even need to know which drugs, tho this being NZ, they all guess straight off that one is meth :\
there is no shame in it now ur clean and she may admire u for ur strength in giving up!
as far as ur parents go, time will heal those wounds
 
drug_wench said:
i wud b honest with this woman if i were u - thats wat is the key factor that makes relationships work
Click to expand...

Thats a tough judgement to make. IMO it really depends on the person. While I believe that honesty is the best policy omitting details about your troubled past while you get to know someone isnt lying.

I speak from experiance when I say that most people who arent familiar with drugs tend to look at users as sub-human out of total ignorance. If you arent confident with how she will react to your past then my suggestion would be to let her get to know you first. Ask her out on a date, or just be social with her. Try to be the person you were before you felt dependant on drugs. Then once you feel she is more comfortable with you open up to her about your past. If you are half as convincing as you've been to me then you will be fine.

You seem to be one of the most articulate posters i've ever seen on bluelight. I can tell you have what it takes to beat this. Good luck and keep us posted, i'll be watching this thread.
 
Downward great to hear how far you've come. It sounds like you got your whole life ahead of you. Are you a younger person? Dont mess it up and keep chugging. Sometimes you just gotta dance so to speak, ask that girl out and see what happens....

On another note, Just remember that all those highs you enjoyed through the years will be met now w/ equal lows with an added sort of "karma interest" for the time that has lapsed. Life is a balance and right now your out of balance. I find often that attics think that the hardest thing to do is quit but no its living day to day after you finally quit. It doesnt get any easier thats the price you pay for all the extreme endless hours of high, escape, or whatever you wish to call it. Its a bitter pill to swallow but thats the deal now you gotta ask yourself if you have the heart to do it... If you can you will be rewarded b/c your will have overcome lows that normal persons never are faced w/. Rant over!
 
PoOkIeHeAd said:
I find often that attics think that the hardest thing to do is quit but no its living day to day after you finally quit.
Click to expand...
so so true
 
Pookiehead: I'm 27, turning 28 in October.

I thought about what you guys said about telling Janelle about my past. Was going back and forth on it. At this time I don't know her well enough to open myself up and tell her the whole sorted mess. My hormones are certainly ready to proceed and spend a great deal of time with her. Unfortunately emotionally I'm not close to ready. Still have that internal anxiety within me that I can't shed, it's a problem. My coping skills have to be relearned. For so long I got high and would just glide and bury any neccessary anxiety that set foot in my head. That's no longer an option and it's painful. I agree with the sediment that it's not tough quitting drugs it's tough living without them. Sounds like an oxymoron but how I feel. Tomorrow I'm meeting Janelle for coffee then probably go to a bookstore and look around. During the conversation I will mention that a friendship with no expectations would be a good starting point. I hope that doesn't offend her but I can't handle much more than that right now.

After work I went and visited a couple of apartments to gage where I could live on my limited my budget. With the prospect of paying for school and a place to live, being prudent with every dollar is paramount. The process was a kick in the stomach and a reminder that I still have a long way to go. Every place in my price range was rundown and in need of some serious maintenance. As I was driving back to my sisters place I tried to envision when the last time I could say I was truly happy, it's been awhile a long while. Guess it would be last summer with Sharlene. Try not to think about her too much and how things ended because it makes it hard to breathe. I had never been in love until then. I fell hard for her and would've done anything for her except quit drugs and that's why I'm here alone in my box staring at the four walls. I should find out next week if I've been accepted for Graduate Studies in January. I hope I am as I really need to put forth some positive energy into something. It's tough to smile out there when all you want to do is sit in the corner curled up in a ball.
 
many ppl will say u shudnt get involved in a relationship in early recovery
i hav had problems cos i got back wiv my ex-bf early in recovery (for both of us)
and if u feel ur head is still too cluttered with other stuff i totally understand why u dont want a relationship yet
it makes u wiser than i was
ur really coming along
i luv reading ur updates and i think ur a very strong person
 
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