I'm kinda surprised by all the people feeling weird on sub. I've been on it for like 10 months and I don't really feel that I'm on anything. It's just kinda there in the background preventing me from feeling pain and depression and I really like being on it. It's so subtle that I don't feel it. I take 1mg per day and I only notice that it works when I miss a day. And I'm usually very sensitive to meds.
Lucky you! I felt terrible on suboxone each time I tried to go on it (the first few times didn't really take), for at least the first month or two. I was cold, uneasy, shaky, and just generally didn't feel right. It was a huge relief to no longer be dependent on a needle and an expensive habit, but I worried that if
this was the way I was going to feel forever, there was no way I could resist the temptation to use.
Until I went to counseling, I didn't realize that these feelings were normal... addiction fucks up your chemical balance and it can take years for your brain to recover and find its natural "normal" setting again. What I was going through for the first 6 months, even with the aid of suboxone, is called PAWS or post acute withdrawal syndrome, and it's the hardest part of recovery-- staying clean through this prolonged sense of chemical depression and anhedonia is even harder than going through the acute phase of withdrawal. It took me months to learn to enjoy eating again, to sit through an entire movie, to read a book... my brain was so hardwired to take pleasure only in heroin/cocaine. When I went on suboxone, I no longer technically "needed" dope, but my brain had cravings, almost like seizures they were so intense, every few minutes.
Luckily, counseling gave me the tools I needed to learn to deal with these feelings effectively. The counselors helped me see past my diseased thinking, so I could figure out new ways of doing things (since the old ways weren't working). Instead of letting the dope cravings rule my life, and dictate my behavior, I learned to "feel through" them, and breathe deeply while they passed, instead of picking up the phone and dialing for drugs and gratification. Over time, I saw that cravings would gradually subside, and lessen in frequency and intensity, and I learned to enjoy life like a "normal" person again.
Anyway, just wanted to encourage anyone out there who's having a hard time. If you stick it out--if you
really want to get better--you can do it. You just need to be willing to seek out and accept help. I can't say I haven't slipped here and there, or that you won't in your own recovery, but I know now that what's important is learning from your mistakes instead of letting them ruin your life.