Well, well...
Kinda sad this thread got abit of topic but it's still a great infosource and motivator for me.
I slipped myself again, and is now at stage one where this thread started...
Meaning that every 2-3 hours I get the panicattacks.
Sadly I can't get my hands on any benzo. Although I hate diazepam for making me a Zombie, it does miracles during this phase. 20 mg diazepam, and I'm out in 24 hours from this hell I marvelously created for myself again.
The panic that comes is sometimes battled with zen-meditation and it's really mind of matter fights. But during workdays I can't really get into saizen in my office and meditate. So, it's easy to take geenas way out...
Currently holding semi-stable at 3-4 hours and 2,5 ml:s. But when nighttime closes up...Well things are harder to battle. Got a kid and wife at home, no peace and rest for meditation. We live in a small flat, no escape.
I know realise how ignorant I was, talking about my friend earlier in the thread...I know realise how his world looked like. Sadly he didn't believe in meditation and had eaten benzos like candy for years...He tried killing himself in this hell.
I don't have these thoughts, I compete in bodybuilding and starve myself for months before a competition. Train like mad...Now you might ask? No, now this selfbrought hell is taking up all of my focus. No training no eating no nothing but an inferno.
I realised I am a weak person after all putting myself in this situation again.
This is not who I was ment to be...Why, one might ask, did you awaken this demon...Well we all have our reasons, mine is just a kliche...Escapism...
I am not a psychonaut...Im just a psycho...Trying to escape what has been a wonderful life full of great moments and huge triumphs.
My worst enemy is not the world, it is me...
Sorry for the long topic, maybe should have created my own thread...But I kinda think this is ontopic. Just felt to write this of my chest...
Again, thank you all for your contris to this thread, it is a great inspirationsource for me. Knowledge is power, power is control. Control is everything...