Back again.......cuz I'm a freaking junkie

Story like so many. Was in an accident 2012 and got on prescribed meds, then to pain management until kicked off for failing drug test. Been to Rehab for 35 days years ago, made it 6 months of complete abstinence then started drinking again. Then started back with opiates onto black market and found heroin. I haven't been sober since last year around January 2016. Had a few mess ups but then stayed sober for 6 weeks exercising and going to meetings but I fell again. Now I am back to the point of getting sober again. I suffer from PTSD after seeing my father and sister killed and severe panic attacks. So I know why I abuse. I have tried Ibogaine but was unable to stay was actually effd up on my return So I didn't have any after care together or plans due to family emergency, this was the summer before January. So January 2016 was my last sober time. I'm really done for real now. Why? Because I can't get high without spending hundreds of dollars. And I don't even feel high it's a disappointment 90% of the time. Why don't I just quit? I'm weak and can't handle the pain of CT. I have tried sub Taper but am allergic to one or the other ingredients. So I just keep using to not be sick. I have blown so much money I couldn't even say. I have had my own business forever and I'm a damn good day trader. My mom knows everything but I have kept it from most of my clean friends the only ones who know are my user buddies. The dark side as I refer to them. Tapering is not a possible option. Im a daily user. I just want out. I just needed to update my misery and look for any help which I know is available. Thanks for listening all and will be in touch until I get started, any advice always appreciated.

I looked at a MMT clinic today but they don't see me being able to do a short(21) day program and want to get me on at a very high dose and get me stabilized for some long term maintenance. Is it really necessary for me to be on a year long program? Does this needs to be moved to SL I don't know since I'm still using. But want to stop for good.

Have you tried all the clinics.

Obviously regular opiates are easier to get off than methadone.

If you get on methadone you should taper your dose once every two weeks.

Have you considered sub's.. They might be better to stabilize and are generally easier to get off than methadone.

Stabilization is good.. You can begin working on, creating and living a strong recovery plan. No real negative in this.

There are Dr locator web sites you can find a sub doctor.

You got this.. Maybe consider a intensive outpatient to brush up and grab some new things.

Given what you've described, it does sound like a sustained ORT program would be helpful for you, especially one in conjunction with something like the kind of outpatient gig NSA mentioned.

Also seconding NSA, unless you've tried subs before without luck, seems like suboxone would be a sensible place to start in terms of ORT. Whether you go with subs or methadone is kind of tricky. Subs are (often) easier to come off of than methadone. And methadone clinics will hold you to a pretty intense line. But by the same token, some people benefit from the structure of a MMT program.

I cant advise on what sort of program would be best suited for you, as I have no knowledge and little experience with opiates.
Nor can I make any recommendations on a tapering regime

However, if I may suggest, try not to make statements like "cuz I'm a freaking junkie" and "'Im weak and can't handle the pain of CT", they are very belittling to yourself.
My struggle is with alcohol and when I wanted to quit (ish) I did the same thing.
Then Id be a few days (maybe a week or two) clean and then something stressful would happen and my first thought was obviously to drink.
My second thought? Maybe it was "no, thats a bad idea" but usually it was "of course you want a drink, youre a drunk. fuck it, who cares"
And off Id go on my merry way to get wasted.

While I understand these feelings ....of self loathing? ... you need to give yourself more credit.
"... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
(haha nothing like a little Winnie the Pooh to turn the mood around )


Finally my last piece of advice is to develop a routine of healthful things you enjoy.
Personally I recommend cardio and meditation. As, for me, the cardio releases that pent up physical energy that leads to stress (for me) and the meditation makes it easier to regulate and accept my thoughts and feelings when they happen (because lets be honest, negative feelings are going to happen)

Best of luck
TOC

Great post TOC. And simco, from what I've seen on BL at least, people have just as challenging a time coming off buprenorphine as they do methadone. You're absolutely right that there are important differences, but the process of taper - if anything - was a lot easier via the clinic (again, as you mentioned, there is a structure there that helps a lot of people).

I'd also suggest looking into another clinic. Reputable clinics will have the three week-30 day taper option, although frankly it sounds like the OP would benefit from something more than just a month (I'd personally look into the 6 month extended detox, as that works very well for a lot of people - after six months of dealing with the clinic you never want to use opioids again! ).

Also, buprenorphine (not Suboxone, but Subutex) might be an option worth exploring for the OP (lots of folks don't handle the naloxone in Suboxone well, so that well could have been the cause of the allergic reaction to Suboxone.

Iboga/Ibogaine is a fantastic options if you can find a reputable provider and aren't averse to that kind of thing. However IMO it's far more effective once the user has already detoxed and has had enough time for their head to clear a bit, and particularly when there is some support system already established and in place for after the iboga process.