Please HELP! I'm covered in bumps from missing for one & I feel like I'm losing it

Please HELP! I'm covered in bumps from missing for one & I feel like I'm losing it

I'm ashamed that this is my truth at the moment.

Please unless you'd like to privately message me concerning how you were finally able to "set sail to your lifeboat" So to speak, I'd appreciate serious answers. I'm so far out in this dead sea this time that it'd be a waste of typing for anyone to say the obvious dangers with injecting ya know? Though it's sweet to care.

Okay. I'm an iv heroin & meth addict. This current run has been goin strong (daily shots) since February 1.. The morning I got kicked out of my sober living for breaking the number one rule for obviously the last time lol so though my heroin use is daily the meth comes into play randomly. Idk what the heck it is with me & shooting that stuff (meth) that it always ends with "missed" bumps. Now I've had cellulitis before so I suspect that's the culprit to these abnormalities sprinkled over my body :/ so scummy. To be honest the last time I had it, it almost killed me & I was kind of disappointed I caught it in time. So I've just been nonchalantly accumulating possible infections everywhere. Though I have been applying hot compresses to them as often as possible.

I have a few questions.

1- I read aloe vera helps with skin infections. Does anyone know if the brand "Equate" 'cooling aloe sunburn relief gel' has any benefit in treating the swelling & such at the injection site?

2- I was told that cutting up raw potatoes or onions (?) & placing them on the effected area is like a secret trick that clears it up.. Any truth to this?

3- if I decrease the number of shots I do daily, will I also decrease my tolerance? Or is that only achieved through increments of clean time?

4- final question, can as many people with this information (following) PLEASE share it; how do find contentment in sobriety??

I've been to rehab 6 times maybe like 7 sober livings. I'm familiar with recovery (through the program at least). I'll admit that it does have its moments lol I just can't see myself drug free. I apologize if I'm boring you to death btw. I just please help me.. I want to love myself & actually have pride for my life. Like I genuinely am in fear that with the rate I'm going, my mind will be too far gone to shelter the last shred of recognition I have of ME. "She" gets suffocated when I'm using. (Did that make any sense?) idk it's just so different this time. I'm literally witnessing myself change. Like new thoughts or feelings I've had I'm seeing/aware of them.

It's just scary cause those thoughts or feelings aren't congruent to my norm . I'll be like in a internal discussion with myself (God I must sound like a tweaker but I'm being honest) like ill think okay now I'll... & then I'm like wait wtf? Why is that a thought that exists in my head. why does that make me happy or sound like a good idea.. Whatever it is. I'm not homicidal or anything. But without really my own f$cking permission I'm impulsively behaving like this new empathy lacking person. I don't like her! Lol

Ugh I'm losing myself right before my eyes. It's so depressing. & what pisses me off most, is while I'm privy to these rubbish character changes, & fully aware that the cause is drugs I STILL DONT WANT TO LET GO! I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I already gone & just don't know? Is it too late to get back to my authentic core & progress towards enlightenment? Rather than my current ignorant existence.. I do believe thoughts become manifestations. So why I'm rejecting the power to change & experience (God willing) that innocent, trusting optimism that this life is a beautiful unexplored realm of possibility & peace is the default feeling. My perception from my childhood (before Santa was outed, my street wasn't never ending, & people were merely vessels of laughter with pure intentions) I want that state of mind again.

Whoever, if anyone lol, actually read this attempt at hopefully making a connection to another "passenger" who thought "jumping ship" was an opportunity to feed our curiosity. Hoping by doing so, our version of washing up on shore compared to what the other people that decided against the curious commitment is: through our journey trying (not even knowing if success was insured) to "make it to land" we had the gift of discovering that because we truly wanted to return to land, instinctively, we pursued the journey in survival mode. Thus inevitably receiving yet another gift.

The wrapping is eerily familiar. The familiarity is because it's your body.. Huh? That can be thrown aside for the gift is hidden beneath the wrappings. By abandoning the communal route & making your own, you're shining light on your true desires. The gift, because of our rebellious detour is self knowledge, self acceptance, confidence (being forced to fight or flight we see our true strength & endurance) & the first steps on the pathway into this life that before the curious commitment was complex & overwhelming. Now ONLY because of the severe misery from walking through that darkness, are we able to conquer this foax dimness. We learned how to discipline our minds resulting in the ability to achieve ANYTHING!

To accomplish something so incredibly intangible to most, proves our life's war has been won. While others struggle to overcome what seems like wars to them our encounter with them would be the equivalent of opening a door; common sense. Because we wholeheartedly believe in ourselves once that level of contentment & faith in ones self is found were at true peace. Finally, this is so because seeing that we're capable of what seemed impossible we lose self doubt & fear. Without those anchors it's smooth sailing. That's what I want.

P.s

Idk where the ship/ocean metaphor came from but I hope my I guess "goal state of living" was conveyed because it give me hope.. HOPEfully someone else will also be uplifted

Thanks for hearing me out!

If I could have split this one post into three or four parts and moved to the relevant sections I would have.

OP - I have moved your post from homeless to the section which I feel would get the immediate urgent replies you wanted.

I hope you do not mind but I broke up your wall of text just to make it a bit easier for people to read and follow.

Great post btw and I wish you the very best

Bear

Thank you! I apologize I'm still learning protocol

Hey sorry to hear you got kicked out of your sober living. I'm in recovery and still struggle sometimes being motivated to stay sober. For your sores, use something like Neosporin antibiotic cream. I wouldn't mess with potatoes or onion. Aloe is good for scars or sunburn. To prevent new abscesses, always first clean the injection site with alcohol and don't re-use rigs.

Where are you staying now that you were kicked out of sle? was it a 24 hour thing? (I know some places do that.) Or permanent?
I am an IV heroin and coke addict and also can't put together significant clean time. I've done meth in the past but honestly it's the darkest drug I've ever experienced. Turned me into a nonsensical disconnected monster - not even only impulsive, but doing things that were so crazy that, looking back, I can't even decipher what "impulse" / thought process was motivating me. It's probably the only thing that, even if it's sitting in front of me, I have no desire to use.
(Though my coke is, according to my UA at the methadone clinic, cut with speed.)
I am also covered in lumps. As long as they're not warm to the touch/growing or changing in size/black in color, even if it takes days or weeks, you should heal. Where on your body are they?
Bit off topic - Can you tell me how to prepare a warm compress that doesn't have to be re-soaked in hot water every 2 minutes?
Maybe try one thing at a time - make a commitment to yourself to only do X amount of h and X amount of meth per day, & stick to it. Then start decreasing that amount. Try to do a minimal number of shots, (otherwise eventually you won't have any veins to inject into anyway) and avoid combining the drugs in one syringe. I know, speed(goof)balls are exponentially more intense than each drug on its own, but they're also much more dangerous.
I know that's not much of a deterrent when you're passively suicidal, but the way I look at harm reduction and avoiding ODs is this: it may not kill you. Could just leave you severely physically or mentally impaired, or in extreme pain. Not dead, just drooling and pissing in a bag.
Do you have any supportive people in your life? What's your relationship like with your family? How old are you anyway?

Hey OP - Im sorry you are having such a tough time. The important thing is to always realize that there is still hope - all is not lost as long as you still have breath in your body. There are stories about on Bluelight from people who have been in the darkest depths of IV addiction and have come out of it to tell the tale and also have found lasting sobriety.

I am a heroin and cocaine addict, have been for five years, been clean for a little over two weeks, and I know how a polydrug addiction to uppers/downers can be so very devastating.

Breaking down your post, here is the best advice I can offer:

As far as rehab/sober living is concerned - something you have been doing isnt working for you and it's up to you to decide what hasn't been working and try something different. The old adage regarding the definition of insanity as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results not only applies to addiction, but recovery as well. Have you been going to rehabs that focus solely on 12 step programs? Those didn't work for me either. Have you tried any maintenance programs? Sometimes when you kick the heroin craving the meth is easier to stay away from when you don't have anything to come down with. I got on Suboxone maintenance and to my surprise I have not only been able to kick heroin but it did significantly reduce my cocaine cravings and my needle fixation.

Regarding your IV use - can you step away from needles for a second? At the very least with the meth? That shit will ruin your veins, and you are right - a missed shot of meth can be devastating to your body. If you have a number of lumps and bumps and infections, then it's really time to step away from the needle for a bit. I know that is so hard - I could never imagine going from IV cocaine back to snorting, but in the past I have resorted to plugging when my veins were shot. The bioavailibity for plugging is as close to IV as you can get, and I found the high to be comparable.

As far as aloe vera goes, that won't do anything for the itching. It may reduce inflammation a bit, but T Calderone is right in advising you to use Neosporin. I have used Benadryl cream for itching in the past. If you think you have cellulitis, then please go to the clinic or your doctor. I know right now you are really low and death seems like a relief, but dying from systemic infection would be a horrible way to go and believe me, you do have a life ahead of you if you can beat this. And I know you can.

You CAN feel like a child again. One thing about sobriety is that I have found such gratitude and joy in the tiniest things I used to take for granted - a run outside on a beautiful day, a good book, a good meal, a road trip...these were all things I couldn't do in my addiction because I was tethered to my drugs, but now that I have a little time away, I am taking SUCH joy in the little things that life has to offer. You will find yourself amazed by the smallest joys once you get clean, as your senses will be reawakened and you will be able to do things that you can't now. Things you took for granted before you started doing drugs.

Look, you know the answer to this if you are cognizant enough to reach out on BL - you know you have to get off this shit, or it will kill you. And it will kill you. You know that the way you have been approaching recovery has not been working for you. You know that you want some kind of life again - I see that in your words. Believe in yourself, know it's the drugs talking and your addiction wanting you dead. If you have anybody you can reach out to in your life, now's the time. If you can just take the steps to get involved in a different form of treatment, maybe outpatient, maybe maintenance, whatever, then you can give yourself the chance at life you deserve.

You can do this girl! As women I believe we struggle with a unique set of issues that make recovery very hard - body image issues, sexual issues, guilt issues. These are the things that must be addressed in order to survive the addiction. Find the root of the problem and work from there.

It seems insurmountable, but it is not. For now, take small steps to ensure your safety. Use clean rigs, try to stay off the needle for a few days at a time, don't mix shit in the same syringe, etc. Take small steps and you will get big results.

I am rooting for you, and I believe in you.

The word sobriety might not sound appealing but there is so much contentment in it. It's about being your true self and you will enjoy it once your past the withdrawals and all that other stuff. It is freedom again with no chains from the drugs. As for the bumps and cellulitis I think it's very important to have that checked by a doctor/clinic. They can check it properly.