Rush of Beck
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 8, 2014
- Messages
- 19
Please HELP! I'm covered in bumps from missing for one & I feel like I'm losing it
I'm ashamed that this is my truth at the moment.
Please unless you'd like to privately message me concerning how you were finally able to "set sail to your lifeboat" So to speak, I'd appreciate serious answers. I'm so far out in this dead sea this time that it'd be a waste of typing for anyone to say the obvious dangers with injecting ya know? Though it's sweet to care.
Okay. I'm an iv heroin & meth addict. This current run has been goin strong (daily shots) since February 1.. The morning I got kicked out of my sober living for breaking the number one rule for obviously the last time lol so though my heroin use is daily the meth comes into play randomly. Idk what the heck it is with me & shooting that stuff (meth) that it always ends with "missed" bumps. Now I've had cellulitis before so I suspect that's the culprit to these abnormalities sprinkled over my body :/ so scummy. To be honest the last time I had it, it almost killed me & I was kind of disappointed I caught it in time. So I've just been nonchalantly accumulating possible infections everywhere. Though I have been applying hot compresses to them as often as possible.
I have a few questions.
1- I read aloe vera helps with skin infections. Does anyone know if the brand "Equate" 'cooling aloe sunburn relief gel' has any benefit in treating the swelling & such at the injection site?
2- I was told that cutting up raw potatoes or onions (?) & placing them on the effected area is like a secret trick that clears it up.. Any truth to this?
3- if I decrease the number of shots I do daily, will I also decrease my tolerance? Or is that only achieved through increments of clean time?
4- final question, can as many people with this information (following) PLEASE share it; how do find contentment in sobriety??
I've been to rehab 6 times maybe like 7 sober livings. I'm familiar with recovery (through the program at least). I'll admit that it does have its moments lol I just can't see myself drug free. I apologize if I'm boring you to death btw. I just please help me.. I want to love myself & actually have pride for my life. Like I genuinely am in fear that with the rate I'm going, my mind will be too far gone to shelter the last shred of recognition I have of ME. "She" gets suffocated when I'm using. (Did that make any sense?) idk it's just so different this time. I'm literally witnessing myself change. Like new thoughts or feelings I've had I'm seeing/aware of them.
It's just scary cause those thoughts or feelings aren't congruent to my norm . I'll be like in a internal discussion with myself (God I must sound like a tweaker but I'm being honest) like ill think okay now I'll... & then I'm like wait wtf? Why is that a thought that exists in my head. why does that make me happy or sound like a good idea.. Whatever it is. I'm not homicidal or anything. But without really my own f$cking permission I'm impulsively behaving like this new empathy lacking person. I don't like her! Lol
Ugh I'm losing myself right before my eyes. It's so depressing. & what pisses me off most, is while I'm privy to these rubbish character changes, & fully aware that the cause is drugs I STILL DONT WANT TO LET GO! I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I already gone & just don't know? Is it too late to get back to my authentic core & progress towards enlightenment? Rather than my current ignorant existence.. I do believe thoughts become manifestations. So why I'm rejecting the power to change & experience (God willing) that innocent, trusting optimism that this life is a beautiful unexplored realm of possibility & peace is the default feeling. My perception from my childhood (before Santa was outed, my street wasn't never ending, & people were merely vessels of laughter with pure intentions) I want that state of mind again.
Whoever, if anyone lol, actually read this attempt at hopefully making a connection to another "passenger" who thought "jumping ship" was an opportunity to feed our curiosity. Hoping by doing so, our version of washing up on shore compared to what the other people that decided against the curious commitment is: through our journey trying (not even knowing if success was insured) to "make it to land" we had the gift of discovering that because we truly wanted to return to land, instinctively, we pursued the journey in survival mode. Thus inevitably receiving yet another gift.
The wrapping is eerily familiar. The familiarity is because it's your body.. Huh? That can be thrown aside for the gift is hidden beneath the wrappings. By abandoning the communal route & making your own, you're shining light on your true desires. The gift, because of our rebellious detour is self knowledge, self acceptance, confidence (being forced to fight or flight we see our true strength & endurance) & the first steps on the pathway into this life that before the curious commitment was complex & overwhelming. Now ONLY because of the severe misery from walking through that darkness, are we able to conquer this foax dimness. We learned how to discipline our minds resulting in the ability to achieve ANYTHING!
To accomplish something so incredibly intangible to most, proves our life's war has been won. While others struggle to overcome what seems like wars to them our encounter with them would be the equivalent of opening a door; common sense. Because we wholeheartedly believe in ourselves once that level of contentment & faith in ones self is found were at true peace. Finally, this is so because seeing that we're capable of what seemed impossible we lose self doubt & fear. Without those anchors it's smooth sailing. That's what I want.
P.s
Idk where the ship/ocean metaphor came from but I hope my I guess "goal state of living" was conveyed because it give me hope.. HOPEfully someone else will also be uplifted
Thanks for hearing me out!
I'm ashamed that this is my truth at the moment.
Please unless you'd like to privately message me concerning how you were finally able to "set sail to your lifeboat" So to speak, I'd appreciate serious answers. I'm so far out in this dead sea this time that it'd be a waste of typing for anyone to say the obvious dangers with injecting ya know? Though it's sweet to care.
Okay. I'm an iv heroin & meth addict. This current run has been goin strong (daily shots) since February 1.. The morning I got kicked out of my sober living for breaking the number one rule for obviously the last time lol so though my heroin use is daily the meth comes into play randomly. Idk what the heck it is with me & shooting that stuff (meth) that it always ends with "missed" bumps. Now I've had cellulitis before so I suspect that's the culprit to these abnormalities sprinkled over my body :/ so scummy. To be honest the last time I had it, it almost killed me & I was kind of disappointed I caught it in time. So I've just been nonchalantly accumulating possible infections everywhere. Though I have been applying hot compresses to them as often as possible.
I have a few questions.
1- I read aloe vera helps with skin infections. Does anyone know if the brand "Equate" 'cooling aloe sunburn relief gel' has any benefit in treating the swelling & such at the injection site?
2- I was told that cutting up raw potatoes or onions (?) & placing them on the effected area is like a secret trick that clears it up.. Any truth to this?
3- if I decrease the number of shots I do daily, will I also decrease my tolerance? Or is that only achieved through increments of clean time?
4- final question, can as many people with this information (following) PLEASE share it; how do find contentment in sobriety??
I've been to rehab 6 times maybe like 7 sober livings. I'm familiar with recovery (through the program at least). I'll admit that it does have its moments lol I just can't see myself drug free. I apologize if I'm boring you to death btw. I just please help me.. I want to love myself & actually have pride for my life. Like I genuinely am in fear that with the rate I'm going, my mind will be too far gone to shelter the last shred of recognition I have of ME. "She" gets suffocated when I'm using. (Did that make any sense?) idk it's just so different this time. I'm literally witnessing myself change. Like new thoughts or feelings I've had I'm seeing/aware of them.
It's just scary cause those thoughts or feelings aren't congruent to my norm . I'll be like in a internal discussion with myself (God I must sound like a tweaker but I'm being honest) like ill think okay now I'll... & then I'm like wait wtf? Why is that a thought that exists in my head. why does that make me happy or sound like a good idea.. Whatever it is. I'm not homicidal or anything. But without really my own f$cking permission I'm impulsively behaving like this new empathy lacking person. I don't like her! Lol
Ugh I'm losing myself right before my eyes. It's so depressing. & what pisses me off most, is while I'm privy to these rubbish character changes, & fully aware that the cause is drugs I STILL DONT WANT TO LET GO! I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I already gone & just don't know? Is it too late to get back to my authentic core & progress towards enlightenment? Rather than my current ignorant existence.. I do believe thoughts become manifestations. So why I'm rejecting the power to change & experience (God willing) that innocent, trusting optimism that this life is a beautiful unexplored realm of possibility & peace is the default feeling. My perception from my childhood (before Santa was outed, my street wasn't never ending, & people were merely vessels of laughter with pure intentions) I want that state of mind again.
Whoever, if anyone lol, actually read this attempt at hopefully making a connection to another "passenger" who thought "jumping ship" was an opportunity to feed our curiosity. Hoping by doing so, our version of washing up on shore compared to what the other people that decided against the curious commitment is: through our journey trying (not even knowing if success was insured) to "make it to land" we had the gift of discovering that because we truly wanted to return to land, instinctively, we pursued the journey in survival mode. Thus inevitably receiving yet another gift.
The wrapping is eerily familiar. The familiarity is because it's your body.. Huh? That can be thrown aside for the gift is hidden beneath the wrappings. By abandoning the communal route & making your own, you're shining light on your true desires. The gift, because of our rebellious detour is self knowledge, self acceptance, confidence (being forced to fight or flight we see our true strength & endurance) & the first steps on the pathway into this life that before the curious commitment was complex & overwhelming. Now ONLY because of the severe misery from walking through that darkness, are we able to conquer this foax dimness. We learned how to discipline our minds resulting in the ability to achieve ANYTHING!
To accomplish something so incredibly intangible to most, proves our life's war has been won. While others struggle to overcome what seems like wars to them our encounter with them would be the equivalent of opening a door; common sense. Because we wholeheartedly believe in ourselves once that level of contentment & faith in ones self is found were at true peace. Finally, this is so because seeing that we're capable of what seemed impossible we lose self doubt & fear. Without those anchors it's smooth sailing. That's what I want.
P.s
Idk where the ship/ocean metaphor came from but I hope my I guess "goal state of living" was conveyed because it give me hope.. HOPEfully someone else will also be uplifted
Thanks for hearing me out!
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