I keep hitting rest/impossible to quit with technology

Hello all,

I've been reading the forums over the past months trying to gain some perspective that would help me stay clean. I'm 6 months off opiate, 3 months off benzos, 4 months off weed, and now one week off spice. That was probably the worst. That spice shit turns you into a selfish zombie POS. Right now I have nothing. However I am constantly looking on the internet for drugs. I'm trying to stop this behavior but the addict in me just can't stay away. I have some weed coming which is no big deal. Even my therapist agrees. However I still fiend for opi, benzo and that stupid spice shit. It has a grip on me and I'm trying to get back the natural. Thankfully I spent my money already so getting more spice right now is not possible thank god. I work in front a computer 8hrs a day. I have A LOT of down time. I end up spending some of it reading drug forums and such. I like RC's so I'm always looking out for new shit. I HATE THE PERSON I HAVE BECOME. My mind is obsessed and feel like I'm the person in the AA book who is hopeless. Granted I have clean time with benzos and opiates, but I still fiend for them and have already sourced some of both. I'm regressing and it's pissing me off. When I get off work I instantly feel the urge to use. Since I have nothing, I end up getting really depressed. This has lead me to repair old relationships in hopes of scoring something.
I feel like there is another person in me. I want to live a life just smoking pot and not using any chems. I did a 30 day rehab and fucked it up the day I got out. I hear what they say, but it's not registering. So I thought I'd share my story and get some conversation going. My shrink tells me I should spend more time on sober living type forums. The more I read and talk about it the more I'll want to get clean. It makes sense. These damn computers make it too easy for me to score.

This is going to sound simplistic and obvious, so please forgive me: Have you tried working on cutting out looking for those drugs on the Internet? (Hear me out!):

Based on what you've written, it sounds like you've already had enough restraint and resolve to stop abusing these drugs (amazing!), however, you let yourself fiend for them on the Internet. Why? Because fiending for them seems like the lesser evil (you're not actually doing those drugs, you're just looking around). This is true, however, actions have consequences. I think that if you're wanting to move forward, you have to resolve not only to not do the drugs, but to not read stuff about them.

Ex. if a friend asked you if you wanted any benzos, I bet all sorts of crazy red flags go up in your head to tell you, "stop dude, think about this for a second." Great. However, you probably allow yourself to read all sorts of things without thinking that this activity deserves the same red flags.

Train yourself to apply the same red flags.

Good luck dude.

You're dead on. I really need to stop reading about drugs. It's just really freaking hard. We all know boredom causes problems. Drug use was a hobby of mine and I'm having major issues getting rid of it. They still intrigue me. But they also get my mind thinking the addict inside. All I can say is addiction is a bitch. I'm addicted to everything. Information. I love that stuff. I'm trying to find new hobbies and change my pattern so I don't relapse. I almost ordered benzos's today even though my mind is telling me not to. I'm calling my shrink now to vent actually. I did rehab and sorry groups ain't for me. I'd rather be part of an online group. I'm not comfortable around people in real life. I still have anxiety. But you're right, I need more red flags. Thanks for your reply. Just having this conversation was helpful. So thank you ;-)

I guess like recognizes like... Even though I've never had a serious addiction compared to most around these parts, I definitely have issues, and one of my problems is indeed boredom and frequenting these forums to soak up information. The amount of shit that I know about drugs is way out of proportion from my actual drug usage. Very strange and not altogether healthy.

Anyway, good job on not ordering the benzos. If you're not confident that you can control your impulses, what about staying away from any forums/sites/whatever that potentially link to vendors?

As Listening has said, easiest way to prevent being tempted is to avoid temptation. I know it sounds trite, but it's true. I go long periods of time away from BL, cut off other websites entirely, as well as a whole bunch of online acquaintances and, sadly, a few real life friends, because it was the only way I could stop getting high.

Of course it's easier said than done, but do your best, don't beat yourself up too much if you give in to temptation, just strive to do better next time. And find new hobbies and interests to dedicate your time to so you're not constantly thinking/reading/talking about drugs. This was another big one for me as well - giving up drugs leaves a huge hole in your life, and you have to find something to fill it with that gives you more enjoyment and contentment than getting high and obsessing over drugs did.

Thanks for the replies guys. The sober living section is helpful, I just need to ignore the rest of BL. I almost slipped and ordered multiple things this weekend. I ended up ok and didn't order anything, but I feel a relapse coming. I see my shrink in 1hr and can't wait to unload. I really have a great life and I can't afford to keep fucking it up. But the addict in me keeps saying, "oh a couple of those wouldn't be bad". No anything would be bad. It honestly feels good I'm having this inner debate with myself. I'm winning. Even though I almost ordered shit, the real me took over and quickly deleted those items from my basket. I'm not letting this addiction win dammit. I'm taking it one day at a time as they say. So I'm still sober and have zero drugs on the way. I plan to keep it that way. Thanks for the replies. Helps to know I'm not alone in this.

The internet can be tricky, and led to lots of relapses for me. However, I found that once I accepted that I could no longer use drugs without everything turning to shit and that I had no control over them it got easier. I just do not look at sites about drugs (I skip all the drug related discussions here on BL though, I sure as hell spent my time in them though).

ThaDudeAbides said:

Thanks for the replies guys. The sober living section is helpful, I just need to ignore the rest of BL.

Click to expand...

I often think about the paradox of this site. In a way, I think it is probably helpful in one of those back door kind of ways. An alcoholic knows that alcohol will be available and plentiful 24/7 everywhere he or she goes. Here in the world of BL, you will find people extolling the pleasures and virtues of your DOC, no matter what it is, and laying triggers out like minefields all around you. If you think about it, its kind of like the best training you will ever get for developing coping strategies in the presence of triggers and opportunities.

Good to hear you were able to delete the items from your basket. That took a lot of self-control. Self-control is one of those traits that is built. Every time I manage it lays the foundation for the next time being easier.

herbavore said:

I often think about the paradox of this site. In a way, I think it is probably helpful in one of those back door kind of ways. An alcoholic knows that alcohol will be available and plentiful 24/7 everywhere he or she goes. Here in the world of BL, you will find people extolling the pleasures and virtues of your DOC, no matter what it is, and laying triggers out like minefields all around you. If you think about it, its kind of like the best training you will ever get for developing coping strategies in the presence of triggers and opportunities.

Good to hear you were able to delete the items from your basket. That took a lot of self-control. Self-control is one of those traits that is built. Every time I manage it lays the foundation for the next time being easier.

Click to expand...

You know, its kinda funny. Lots of people that were primarily addicted to substances other then alcohol ask me how I handle walking past bars. What I do is look at the people in there and see that most of them are having fun. I then remember that I didn't have that kind of fun for many many years. When I went to the bar, it was to get loaded plain and simple. I'd use it as an excuse ("well I am out so its okay"). But I usually ended up passed out at the bar....

glad to hear others talk about the paradox of the SL forum on BL. like the OP, i know that reading about drugs totally fucks with my efforts at getting/staying clean. according to my own rules for myself, i shouldn't even be writing this!

I remember in the past when trying to get clean I would like detox off of something and have more of it on the way. I would spend several days working myself up to throw it away the moment it hit my hands. I actually did it few times.