ThaDudeAbides
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2013
- Messages
- 573
Hello all,
I've been reading the forums over the past months trying to gain some perspective that would help me stay clean. I'm 6 months off opiate, 3 months off benzos, 4 months off weed, and now one week off spice. That was probably the worst. That spice shit turns you into a selfish zombie POS. Right now I have nothing. However I am constantly looking on the internet for drugs. I'm trying to stop this behavior but the addict in me just can't stay away. I have some weed coming which is no big deal. Even my therapist agrees. However I still fiend for opi, benzo and that stupid spice shit. It has a grip on me and I'm trying to get back the natural. Thankfully I spent my money already so getting more spice right now is not possible thank god. I work in front a computer 8hrs a day. I have A LOT of down time. I end up spending some of it reading drug forums and such. I like RC's so I'm always looking out for new shit. I HATE THE PERSON I HAVE BECOME. My mind is obsessed and feel like I'm the person in the AA book who is hopeless. Granted I have clean time with benzos and opiates, but I still fiend for them and have already sourced some of both. I'm regressing and it's pissing me off. When I get off work I instantly feel the urge to use. Since I have nothing, I end up getting really depressed. This has lead me to repair old relationships in hopes of scoring something.
I feel like there is another person in me. I want to live a life just smoking pot and not using any chems. I did a 30 day rehab and fucked it up the day I got out. I hear what they say, but it's not registering. So I thought I'd share my story and get some conversation going. My shrink tells me I should spend more time on sober living type forums. The more I read and talk about it the more I'll want to get clean. It makes sense. These damn computers make it too easy for me to score.
I've been reading the forums over the past months trying to gain some perspective that would help me stay clean. I'm 6 months off opiate, 3 months off benzos, 4 months off weed, and now one week off spice. That was probably the worst. That spice shit turns you into a selfish zombie POS. Right now I have nothing. However I am constantly looking on the internet for drugs. I'm trying to stop this behavior but the addict in me just can't stay away. I have some weed coming which is no big deal. Even my therapist agrees. However I still fiend for opi, benzo and that stupid spice shit. It has a grip on me and I'm trying to get back the natural. Thankfully I spent my money already so getting more spice right now is not possible thank god. I work in front a computer 8hrs a day. I have A LOT of down time. I end up spending some of it reading drug forums and such. I like RC's so I'm always looking out for new shit. I HATE THE PERSON I HAVE BECOME. My mind is obsessed and feel like I'm the person in the AA book who is hopeless. Granted I have clean time with benzos and opiates, but I still fiend for them and have already sourced some of both. I'm regressing and it's pissing me off. When I get off work I instantly feel the urge to use. Since I have nothing, I end up getting really depressed. This has lead me to repair old relationships in hopes of scoring something.
I feel like there is another person in me. I want to live a life just smoking pot and not using any chems. I did a 30 day rehab and fucked it up the day I got out. I hear what they say, but it's not registering. So I thought I'd share my story and get some conversation going. My shrink tells me I should spend more time on sober living type forums. The more I read and talk about it the more I'll want to get clean. It makes sense. These damn computers make it too easy for me to score.