early sobriety/ depression ... need some input.

Been sober for 2.5 months, off the heroin, on the vivitrol.

I was wondering the best way to describe my situation without giving my entire life story.

Background in a nutshell - 25 Y Female. 5 Years on percocet 30s, only 1 yr on heroin -- all street use.
Went from full time work/full time nursing student to a reduced pc of shit junky.

Anyway, I fucked up my life pretty bad.
Always was a hard working, independent person and prolonged drug use eventually led to everything unraveling slowly over the years until my first shot of heroin - that's when the downward spiral sped up and I ended up with multiple charges (accomplice status), jail, debt, etc.

Anyway, I am completely sober. On probation next two years, so I plan on continuing the vivitrol for that time.
I now live my parents again after 8 years of not living with them (6 yrs estranged-daddy was a psycho on steroids) and I am grateful they let me live with them, but I cannot stand them and barely interact with them unless I have to. I need to get a job and have even had plenty of offers, but I literally can't bring myself to do anything. I sleep as much as possible and when I am awake, I read, listen to music and zone out.

It's not funny- but it's like I morphed into a little shit bag 14 year old who's mad at the world. I disgust myself in the way I am feeling and acting.

I have very little desire to interact with people, it's alot of effort to pretend everything's cool, so I ignore phone calls and ditch. I only have the desire to meet up with this one kid, because he will listen to music with me and have sex -- which btw, sex and music have kept me from becoming completely insane and killing myself. I know I sound really pathetic, because I am. But the bottom line is, I need to get out of this funk and move on with my life. Get over myself, my past,etc. But I am in a weird fucking state right now, I don't even feel like I am alive, it's like I am fading into nothing-- worst part is, I can't blame drugs lol. And I would love to blow my fucking brains out in the middle of a forest- HOWEVER, I'm not going to do that, for the sake of everyone in my life. I've hurt everyone enough, I don't need my mother identifying my body with brains leaking out of my skull. But I really do not want to live.

The only thing I do go to twice a week is therapy - group and individual counseling - court ordered. Not really helping, but I'm still open to it.
I know my problem is that I need to get busy and start working and things will get better - I know this - absolutely. But, my problem is getting the will to get up and do it. This is not who I am. I've always been a determined little bitch, but now, I feel like such a giant loser.

I'm extremely discouraged from this mess I am in. I hate the world, but I know I really just hate myself. And I am ashamed of myself and that's why I have no problem hiding away from the world. But I know there is no way I can go on like this.

Can someone tell me they've felt something similar and that this phase is going to pass? Do I need electroshock?

Cause my depression and isolation is continuing to get worse and it sucks.

Is this normal to feel in early sobriety? I need to get some perspective on the situation.

Change the numbers and gender around, and MANY of us (includin myself) have been there. are there. Yes, I considered electroshock. No, I doubt you need it. It comes and goes with me, sometimes I go years sober, other times I fight it HARD. and lose. but sometimes you win. You're still, at 2.5 months, by no means 'normal'. But it's normal to feel the way you are feeling. Take a job. Evenif you quit/get fired, keep doing it. It does get easier.

I read it takes about 35 days to reach homeostasis… then there is PAWS for sometime. I have over 3 months and I finally have some energy back after experiencing ALOT of lethargy -- although I feel quite dissociated. This could just be part of paws a general flat feeling as well as trauma I've experienced. I basically don't 'feel' a lot.
So, basically I understand where you are at a bit, although I am not you … it will get better. I used oxy for a few years than couple years of dope.

It's really important to discuss what happened, which you are doing … as well as boost the endorphins up, with exercise, acupuncture, chocolate helps.. chili peppers.. and a lot of amino acids. L Carnitine helps me a lot, it turns my food into energy and I have really noticed a difference.

It's hard not to take suffering personally, sometimes I do and start beating myself up -- but must remember it's just the process and will get better. Addiction is an illness and it's not our fault. It does get better and it did for me in the past and will again… maybe slow, but it does.

Congratulations on staying clean! Not many do.

Hey hunny and welcome to BL

First off, please give yourself a break already. Your being WAY to hard on yourself. You were never a piece of shit junky. Your an addict.. now your an addict in recovery, with some strong work you will be recovered. Whens the last time you gave yourself credit for getting and staying clean. Shits not easy even if you have the fucking law dogging you the whole way.

The fucked thing with addiction is it goes so much farther than the drugs. We can eliminate the drugs and stay clean, but if we dont heal ourselves then we remain miserable and the chances of us staying clean, being happy, or having any sort of a life are 0. If we take a proactive aproach, place our recovery as our main priority for a couple years, and successfully heal ourselves our chances rise to about a 100%

In order for you to have a peaceful existence and have an opertunity at whatever life you choose you will need to take a proactive aproach to some key aspects.

What you are going through is completely normal. There are a few things going on. Lets take a look at PAWS first.

There are two phases to withdrawal.. the acutes which we all could never forget. There are intense and suck, so we focus on them. They turn out to be the easy part. You will need to identify and implement a strong plan to deal with this if you wan to pass through them as quickly and as smoothly as possible. Here is some great information on them and some good information on some strong ways to deal with this. I can not stress the importance of exercise enough.



There is a war going on in every humans brains.. its just that when we become addicted the part that is traditionally the puppet has to become the puppeteer. Its also in a very weakened state.

Here is a good thread that explains what addiction is and how the mind works. The Brain and Addiction

First throw all that guilt and shame out the window of a jet plane. Its not warranted, drives use, and does no good. You became addicted to drugs. This means that your subconscious, which is traditionally much more powerful then you conscious mind, drove you almost irresistibly to use drugs no matter what effect it had on your life, your loved ones, or yourself. You didn't choose to do these things, its just feels that way. Its an illusion or rather a delusion. How many times did you say fuck this im done and then a few hours later find yourself useing. If you consciously had much power you would not have chosen to do all those things. Your unconscious chose to do those things, you were just driven to figure out how they could be done.

Your an amazing person.. forgive your unconscious.. it powerful, but has no concept of future consequences, thinks its an indestructible all powerful god, has no ability to reason, has the patience of a toddler, and is a bully as well as a huge wimp. Forgive it, it new not what it was doing.

The unconscious has become even more powerful than it was before the drugs. You must have a mature unconscious because mine is more like five and not fourteen. Its a huge chicken so its always worried about the future. It also can not get over things in the past without your help. This is why unhealed addicts totally miss the here and now. We are either freaking about the future or dwelling over the past. If you look at your post you should see clear indications of this.

We need to keep things very simple for awhile. We need to focus our thoughts in the hear and now. If we slip into the past we can get hit with guilt, remorse, shame, resentment, anger etc. If we jump into the future we get hit with fear, anxiety, sever apprehension, hopelessness, self doubt. We need to focus in the hear and now.

In early recovery things that should be so easy for us can be extremely hard if not impossible depending on how we choose to think and aproach them.

We need to simplify.. or we get so overwhelmed by stress that we cant function. Sit down and without freaking out at all come up with a list of everything you need to do. DONT FREAK OUT YOU WILL GET IT DONE. Now take that list and split everything up into Tasks. Now take that list and split into jobs. Now take that list and split it into easily done tasks. Now you will have a big list of super easy shit to do. When you get through all that super easy shit you will have gotten all that you needed and wanted to do done. In early recovery its so much better to look at a list of easy ass shit then it is to fixate and have stress and anxiety immobilize us when face the bigger picture.

Plan the night before what easy shit your going to knock off. The wake up and knock it off. Thats all you have to do.

I hope this helps.. If you like it I have more.

i have been in your situation, i remember many months after getting off methadone i was completely lethargic and just depressed...no desire to live..i wont mention how long this lasted as it might scare you but its a bitch..the PAWS from opiate addiction is a nightmare and very rarely addressed by experts u see on tv networks...the worst symptom i suffered from and still do is anhedonia, the inability to experience pleasure..i feel like i need a bat beaten over my head to just register a little hit of pleasure, do you have similar problem OP?

the only way i got through the hardest part was by exercising and just forcing myself through..i could not do it again...what i said isnt much advice but i also recommend trying to find sober friends that have similar hobbies..this has continued to be an ongoing struggle for me...

I read that the first three months would be tough as you would feel lethargy all the time, so it is advised to get the endorphin level up by eating lots of chocolates and force yourself to exercise - first by walking, then running or jogging. Sex increases the endorphin level too, that's why you feel better when/after having it.

Your endorphin level will naturally increase by having enough sleep every night. Hope you feel better soon!

I have no experience with electroshock myself, but my supervisor and I were talking about it and she claims that it has changed and isn't like it used to be portrayed nowadays.
Just wanted to throw that out there.

I feel sick and am not in the best frame of mind to answer this but I will try to remember to give you a detailed one tomm. Try some meetings... it cannot hurt. Also, what about Meds? I am on an SSRI and Wellbutrin.... it really helps. Exercise is huge too, but I wasn't able to do it at 2.5 months.

I'm in a very similar situation too, and I really do just want to go back to the opiates to make myself feel better. That's the addict part of me crying out for opiates. I'm seriously considering anti-depressants, like Abilify and Wellbutrin to make myself feel better. But strangely I know that's the addiction part of me talking too. Whatever works for you, do it. God / higher power is there for us all too. Peace