Been sober for 2.5 months, off the heroin, on the vivitrol.
I was wondering the best way to describe my situation without giving my entire life story.
Background in a nutshell - 25 Y Female. 5 Years on percocet 30s, only 1 yr on heroin -- all street use.
Went from full time work/full time nursing student to a reduced pc of shit junky.
Anyway, I fucked up my life pretty bad.
Always was a hard working, independent person and prolonged drug use eventually led to everything unraveling slowly over the years until my first shot of heroin - that's when the downward spiral sped up and I ended up with multiple charges (accomplice status), jail, debt, etc.
Anyway, I am completely sober. On probation next two years, so I plan on continuing the vivitrol for that time.
I now live my parents again after 8 years of not living with them (6 yrs estranged-daddy was a psycho on steroids) and I am grateful they let me live with them, but I cannot stand them and barely interact with them unless I have to. I need to get a job and have even had plenty of offers, but I literally can't bring myself to do anything. I sleep as much as possible and when I am awake, I read, listen to music and zone out.
It's not funny- but it's like I morphed into a little shit bag 14 year old who's mad at the world. I disgust myself in the way I am feeling and acting.
I have very little desire to interact with people, it's alot of effort to pretend everything's cool, so I ignore phone calls and ditch. I only have the desire to meet up with this one kid, because he will listen to music with me and have sex -- which btw, sex and music have kept me from becoming completely insane and killing myself. I know I sound really pathetic, because I am. But the bottom line is, I need to get out of this funk and move on with my life. Get over myself, my past,etc. But I am in a weird fucking state right now, I don't even feel like I am alive, it's like I am fading into nothing-- worst part is, I can't blame drugs lol. And I would love to blow my fucking brains out in the middle of a forest- HOWEVER, I'm not going to do that, for the sake of everyone in my life. I've hurt everyone enough, I don't need my mother identifying my body with brains leaking out of my skull. But I really do not want to live.
The only thing I do go to twice a week is therapy - group and individual counseling - court ordered. Not really helping, but I'm still open to it.
I know my problem is that I need to get busy and start working and things will get better - I know this - absolutely. But, my problem is getting the will to get up and do it. This is not who I am. I've always been a determined little bitch, but now, I feel like such a giant loser.
I'm extremely discouraged from this mess I am in. I hate the world, but I know I really just hate myself. And I am ashamed of myself and that's why I have no problem hiding away from the world. But I know there is no way I can go on like this.
Can someone tell me they've felt something similar and that this phase is going to pass? Do I need electroshock?
Cause my depression and isolation is continuing to get worse and it sucks.
Is this normal to feel in early sobriety? I need to get some perspective on the situation.
I was wondering the best way to describe my situation without giving my entire life story.
Background in a nutshell - 25 Y Female. 5 Years on percocet 30s, only 1 yr on heroin -- all street use.
Went from full time work/full time nursing student to a reduced pc of shit junky.
Anyway, I fucked up my life pretty bad.
Always was a hard working, independent person and prolonged drug use eventually led to everything unraveling slowly over the years until my first shot of heroin - that's when the downward spiral sped up and I ended up with multiple charges (accomplice status), jail, debt, etc.
Anyway, I am completely sober. On probation next two years, so I plan on continuing the vivitrol for that time.
I now live my parents again after 8 years of not living with them (6 yrs estranged-daddy was a psycho on steroids) and I am grateful they let me live with them, but I cannot stand them and barely interact with them unless I have to. I need to get a job and have even had plenty of offers, but I literally can't bring myself to do anything. I sleep as much as possible and when I am awake, I read, listen to music and zone out.
It's not funny- but it's like I morphed into a little shit bag 14 year old who's mad at the world. I disgust myself in the way I am feeling and acting.
I have very little desire to interact with people, it's alot of effort to pretend everything's cool, so I ignore phone calls and ditch. I only have the desire to meet up with this one kid, because he will listen to music with me and have sex -- which btw, sex and music have kept me from becoming completely insane and killing myself. I know I sound really pathetic, because I am. But the bottom line is, I need to get out of this funk and move on with my life. Get over myself, my past,etc. But I am in a weird fucking state right now, I don't even feel like I am alive, it's like I am fading into nothing-- worst part is, I can't blame drugs lol. And I would love to blow my fucking brains out in the middle of a forest- HOWEVER, I'm not going to do that, for the sake of everyone in my life. I've hurt everyone enough, I don't need my mother identifying my body with brains leaking out of my skull. But I really do not want to live.
The only thing I do go to twice a week is therapy - group and individual counseling - court ordered. Not really helping, but I'm still open to it.
I know my problem is that I need to get busy and start working and things will get better - I know this - absolutely. But, my problem is getting the will to get up and do it. This is not who I am. I've always been a determined little bitch, but now, I feel like such a giant loser.
I'm extremely discouraged from this mess I am in. I hate the world, but I know I really just hate myself. And I am ashamed of myself and that's why I have no problem hiding away from the world. But I know there is no way I can go on like this.
Can someone tell me they've felt something similar and that this phase is going to pass? Do I need electroshock?
Cause my depression and isolation is continuing to get worse and it sucks.
Is this normal to feel in early sobriety? I need to get some perspective on the situation.
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