I got sober in 2009. Before that, I had gotten so bad that I was in and out of jails and living on the streets. When I got sober it was as if a miracle was overtaking my life. I began to walk again. I became functional, likable, capable! Most of the time, I was so happy! Eventually, I came back to college, have had a perfect GPA since starting and am even considering getting my doctorate.
Almost five years of sobriety went by, and then I hurt my back. Now, to make a long story short, I've been using heroin everyday for two months. I'm putting everything at risk: a good job, a wonderful relationship, college, my pets, my relationships with my family and friends, material shit. Most frightening is that I feel cut off from God. I used to have such a strong feeling that God has a plan for me: now I'm not so sure. I used to feel my relationship with God through other people. I'm hoping God will speak to me through a few of you folks.
I'm working on a heroin taper, and I gotta be honest: it's hard. Today is the closest I've gotten to my daily goal and I still chipped off a little extra.
I gotta live this taper, this attempt to be sober, one day at a time. There is no other way that I know.
Tomorrow's dose schedule:
Breakfast: .15of a gram
(.05 if needed)
Dinner: .15 of a gram
Other things I'm doing:
-In the process of talking with an old AA buddy so that I can get honest
-Journaling to God at night
-touching base with you folks
-*new* saying a prayer:
"Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
I understand that a lot of people aren't into religion, and believe me--I've so far from Catholic. I just like this prayer because it's familiar and comforting.
Currently, I am drifting between the space of wanting and being willing to do what it takes. One day at a time, I pray I make it there.