I can be beautiful too

I can live on coffee and cigarettes
I can watch everyone around me eat and not take a bite
I like the feeling of being hungry
and I love hearing you say
I'm too thin and I should eat more
I can be beautiful too.
I can count all of my ribs one by one
and I can even grab hold of the bottom one and feel the other side
I can make you bruise if you bump into my hips bones
they stick out so far
and my breasts have shrunk a whole cup size
but I don't care because I look like the girl in the magazine
I can be beautiful too.
I can wear short shirts that show off my stomach
and watch you stare and watch you get so jealous
because you know you wish you looked like me
I can be beautiful too.
I can hate myself for eating dinner
I know I just gained 5 pounds
I can want to die for eating that chocolate bar
but really I'm perfectly happy
I can cry myself to sleep every night
and wonder what it would be like to feel alive
but you just see me when I smile
because I am always
in control
I can be beautiful too.
I can be the girl you all want to be
I love this torture
it makes me stronger
and I know you all admire me
but don't tell me you love me
because I don't know what to say
because I never learned to love myself
and I won't believe you anyway
I can be beautiful too.
I can feel full on a meal of lies
I can believe that I am free
it's not because I don't know how to change
this is the way I want to be, really
(why don't you believe me?)
so don't judge me or call me stupid
because you don't know what it's like
and you don't know me
I can be beautiful too.
~kimmy.
[This message has been edited by *SWeeT-e* (edited 01 November 2000).]

*SWeeT-e*
I hope you find the confidence and support to battle back from this...I know what you are talking about. I've been there, thought it was THE way to be. But I am so much happier now that I am healthier. I won't lie, it's not gone 100% but I am able to control it way much better. You have my support. Peace and good luck.
------------------
"In a world where you can be ANYONE, be YOURSELF."
[This message has been edited by flutterbyxtc (edited 01 November 2000).]

Good job. This really captures all the complicated stuff that drives us toward eating disorders. (I rarely diet, and I've never forced myself to throw up, but as a female citizen of our society, I feel all those pressures too. I have the eating disorder that we all do--thinking too much about food, viewing food as more than nutrition.)

The "I" in this poem could be me, as I've had my own struggles with eating disorders. And you're right, flutterbyxtc, it's something that never completely goes away. But I also wrote this to represent every girl that feels society's pressure to have the perfect body, as Starfucker said. And for any girl who, like me, lets herself believe the lies and lets it become an obsession. I don't think people who don't go through having an eating disorder can really understand the WHY...and the whole mindset behind it. Call these girls flaky, superficial, obsessed with looks, stupid...I've heard it all...but it's not true. IMO, it has more to do with self-confidence or the lack of it, the need to have control over something and feel good about yourself, and self-hatred...not just simple vanity. Just some thoughts.

I hope no matter what it is you find in your life that it makes you happy.

Kimmy, that was amazing.
------------------
"Imagine, he said, that you enter a large, somewhat crumbling hall that echoes with the sounds of people mumbling and talking repetitively to themselves. All around you these people fall into prostrate positions, some of them weeping. Where are you?
Sara's answer was immediate: in an asylum.
Perhaps, Kriezler answered, but you could also be in a church."
-----from "The Alienist" by Caleb Carr

BUMP
Well written

Very relatable... I was in that situation, or maybe I still am. It's hard, you know, to grow up being so worried about what everyone will say or think. My grandma confronted me and my sister once telling us that we were getting fat and that we both needed to loose wait. I don't think I have an eating disorder but I probably do; its denial. When people start telling you that you could use a good meal and to do something about the bags under your eyes, there's probably a problem. Good luck...
beautifully written.
------------------
Truth is disputable; not taste.
God bless Darwin.

Kimmy,
Girl you know we are always here to support you.
------------------
"Deep in the human unconscious is a deep pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic."
"When law and duty are one, united by religion, you never become fully conscious, fully aware of yourself. You are always a little less than an individual."
Muad'Dib
Dune

wow...thanks for this...so very well said.
much love
ange

I had to bump this....very powerful....

you can be...and you are.
mad love to you, beautiful girlie.
xoxox.b

that's definitely a hard situation to deal with, and i'm sure every girl has been there at least once, i know i have.
it takes one person to tell you your beautiful in a different way... not beautiful because you're a super-skinny flawless model, but beautiful inside... that's all it takes to make a world of difference. guys... remember that.
you could save a life. everyone is beautiful in their own way. we all just need to be reminded sometimes.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
Find one person you can count on forever, one person you can love forever, and one person you can be with forever... and if you're lucky, it will all be the same person.
"Live for the memories."

That was a beautiful poem and very sad also. It reminds of a person who used to be extremely close to me. Thank you for those wonderful words.
------------------
To see evil in thy eyes,
is not to see thy inner
self.
But to see goodness,
is discover thy soul.

I love this. (that you can explain your emotions so well) And hate it all at the same time.
"I can feel full on a meal of lies"
-----------
don't you get tired of people looking at you like you're not as pretty as them? or maybe not looking at you at all? sometimes i feel like i don't exist. and the first thing i blame is my size, it must be because im fat. If i were skinny, at least people would want to get to know my personality. And all those times i just wished i could have someone elses body. Just wanted to know why me out of all the people on this earth had to be "fat" (big-boned as the people who like to make you feel better put it). well i've been tired since 5th grade. when i was 10 i wore a bigger size than i do now...17. Still unsatisfied with my appearance. So now i have a modeling contract, and you would think I'm conceited, ha, i should've been an actress, because it's all an act. I'm still the fat girl who hides food under the bed to eat after dinner...who sits in the corner at dances, and waits for people to notice me...The one who screams in agony at herself for being fat, laying in my bed of self pity crying so much you'd think i'd shed pounds too. well I want to be beautiful too, and I'm afraid I'll always be at the end of the line. So I'm with you. And I don't know what to think of it.
plurr
raychul

You're a great writer.

i hope every girL couLD seE this..although we do have a longing to have a perfect body, there is more beauty besides the physique... i juss hope that ppl..and guys esp notice this..and not being so materiaListic and stufF
------------------
always smile
AIM: ililonei

{{kimmy}}

Hmmmm...haven't read this for awhile. Since a year ago, I've gained weight and initially hated it but came to accept and even like my new weight, mainly due to everyone telling me how much better I looked. And also largely in part to my wonderful boyfriend telling me over and over that I'm beautiful and that he likes "pudge". Funny thing is, most guys aren't nearly as concerned with the way we girls look as we are!!
Ravinraych: I dunno either girl. It always stays with you to some extent. Modelling probably doesn't help with all the emphasis on looks and thin-ness. It takes time, but it also takes learning to accept yourself, imperfect as you are. And learning to enjoy food without guilt, cuz life is just too short to starve yourself. *hugs*
Peace,
~kimmy.

bump.....
for the newbies who havent had the chance to read this wonderful piece.