March Getting Clean Thread v. If I can do it, you can too!

Hi everybody

It's the 1st of March and I am 80 days off buprenorphine and opiates.

I am not using needles today. I am proud of myself for that.

Haven't used needles in a while.

It makes me feel strong to let that burning desire and impulse die.

Much to everyone here. How many days do you have? Any experience or advice, stories, or comments?

Old thread can be found >here<

March is welcome in the Midwest US! Of course we opened it up w/ snow. lol

CaptainH - sounds like you've been rockin it! I'm still maintaining a holding pattern. I'm not smoking, I'm drinking less, staying away from the stims (with much effort), been a little loose w/ the psychs last month, but it's been a couple of weeks... Was honored w/ a moderator position a week ago, so I'm available to anyone on BL, should you want to talk w/ me.

360 days today.

As my one year of sobriety approaches, I am feeling a gratitude that is so loaded with emotion, I am going to be a wreck by the time the day arrives. A positive one, but a wreck no less. I think I will call in sick that day (or as I like to call those days, "mental health days") so that I can process and cry and be nostalgic without my clients thinking their social worker is more of a mess than they are.

Tonight is one of my best friend's birthday parties. We've known each other for 18 years. Went to high school togther. Lived in Spain together when we were 16. Did the rave scene together. As adults our bond runs deeper than most of my other relationships because of that shared history. I'll be DJing a room full of drunken San Francisco government officials and non-profit managers. I'm gonna sip on my green tea and eat pie and play some soul and funk jams.

Zwanya said:

360 days today.

As my one year of sobriety approaches, I am feeling a gratitude that is so loaded with emotion, I am going to be a wreck by the time the day arrives. A positive one, but a wreck no less. I think I will call in sick that day (or as I like to call those days, "mental health days") so that I can process and cry and be nostalgic without my clients thinking their social worker is more of a mess than they are.

Tonight is one of my best friend's birthday parties. We've known each other for 18 years. Went to high school togther. Lived in Spain together when we were 16. Did the rave scene together. As adults our bond runs deeper than most of my other relationships because of that shared history. I'll be DJing a room full of drunken San Francisco government officials and non-profit managers. I'm gonna sip on my green tea and eat pie and play some soul and funk jams.

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Well said! You are the man! (Or woman if that's the case!)

Thats awesome Zwanya, I hope to be where you are in a couple more months! 291 days myself.

And congrats on 80 days captain, you're doing so amazing! I know how long you used needles even after quitting heroin, so that really is an incredible accomplishment right there.

JAG & NSA, keep it up too, as well as everyone else!

Thanks for starting this ch!

Good thread..
Ill have 5 months clean and sober on the 5th of March. I've been feeling great physically but mentally i have a real urge to smoke weed.. I've been fighting an addiction to opiates since i was 14, on my last run i ended up trying heroin, losing my job and ended up homeless.. i ended up starting to use needles and eventually sold everything i owned.. being 20 and living in a flop house was hell i knew i wasn't living right so i tried to get help.. i got into a halfway house and with help from them and AA I've been sober since. Things have been great which brings me back to the question why do i still want to smoke weed.. its always been my d.o.c I've smoked since i was 12, but everyone in the program says if i smoke ill end up shooting dope again, anyone have any advice? Sorry for ranting this has been an issue I've been wrestling with the past couple of months.

Hey Agnostic, Welcome to this thread & SL in general!

To answer your question, it's difficult to say. Everyone is different, but in my experience I have never been able to "just smoke weed". I certainly cannot smoke weed occasionally, every time I've relapsed on it in the past I went strait to smoking all day everyday basically right off the bat. And every time, without fail, I started using heroin again within a couple weeks of smoking weed. Right now, in a sober state of mind, you can't see how that would happen most likely. But when you use any drug, even pot - it changes your way of thinking. After a couple weeks of being stoned I was always able to somehow rationalize using heroin even if I planned on "just once". My stoned mind was able to convince myself it was possible to use without becoming dependent/just once. It was never remotely possible for me, and to be quite honest I have never met a single person who successfully got clean off of hard drugs and only smoked weed, without relapsing on hard drugs, for any extended period of time. However I know dozens of people who tried it and failed. Thats not to say that it's totally impossible, and it's not to say that people don't exist who have done it. But even those who are smoking weed and haven't relapsed on opiates/hard drugs - yet - whats to say that they won't at some point, once their minds are clouded enough from the pot?

My advice is don't do it. Why risk it? Once hit of pot could very well lead to shooting dope for people like us, and basically you need to decide if thats a risk worth taking. Also consider whether or not you will even be happy with just smoking weed, even if you manage to do it.

Thanks for the advice Case, that's similar to what everyone has been telling me. And your right about the everyday all day use even in my sober mind i know that that's what ill do, thats just how i smoke.. i guess i need to just play the tape through and equate smoking pot with doing heroin because it always has lead me back to opiates. The thing i don't get is I've already been taken through the 12 steps, i know im powerless over all substances but still part of me tells me daily you can still manage a joint here and there even though i know that it would be the most selfish/risky thing i could do.. i just don't understand why im not fully satisfied with sobriety.. i apologize for being such a downer but I've tried everything to turn out these thoughts including daily meetings, sponsorship, prayer, therapy and meditation..

^^ It's great that you are working a solid program of recovery! So don't get me wrong because I go to meetings everyday and work the steps with a sponsor as well - But you need to find more to life then just your program of recovery. The steps are an incredible tool to gain back some sanity and sobriety, but there is more to life then that. I feel sort of hypocritical telling you this, because honestly right now I feel the same way with my life - but I guess I know the reason and it's because I don't have much besides myself and AA. I'm staying sober, for now - but I know I desperately need to build a life for myself that is way more expansive then that in order to be truly happy and content with sober life.
For me, I feel like the missing link is relationships with other people. So what I'm doing as of recently is making an effort to make friends and spend time hanging out with people having fun, and exploring different hobbies and whatnot. I have been getting a bit happier and a bit more comfortable with myself since I started putting effort into being social, so I know that I am finally starting to create more of a balance in my life - though I still have plenty of work to do.

So the question is, what's missing in your life? What do you need to do, in order to create a balance?

Woohoo!

I'm in.

This is the month that I'm getting clean!

Captain.Heroin said:

It makes me feel strong to let that burning desire and impulse die.

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I think I finally am getting down to understanding the concept that if you indulge a craving or urge, it can only serves to reinforce it / make it stronger.

The only way to overcome unhealthy urges and cravings is to deny them as they arise.

Zwanya said:

Tonight is one of my best friend's birthday parties. We've known each other for 18 years. Went to high school togther. Lived in Spain together when we were 16. Did the rave scene together. As adults our bond runs deeper than most of my other relationships because of that shared history. I'll be DJing a room full of drunken San Francisco government officials and non-profit managers. I'm gonna sip on my green tea and eat pie and play some soul and funk jams.

Click to expand...

Right on.

You just reminded me, I love tea, I think I'm going to go make some right now!

I think you hit the nail on the head case, in definitely slacking in being social im a bit of a recluse and since I've started working full time its gotten worse. I live in a sober living apartment that's connected to a halfway house so i have a great opportunity to help the next alcoholic/addict but I've been wasting that chance by b.sing in my room.. and don't worry about being a hypocrite atleast you are aware of where your program is slipping. Your right about finding new things to get into i think getting into school would help me out tremendously, but i want to wait until i move back to my hometown where their are numerous university's compared to where i am now. But until then i guess i gotta take it one day at a time. Thanks for the advice/talk Case!

Space Firebird said:

I think I finally am getting down to understanding the concept that if you indulge a craving or urge, it can only serves to reinforce it / make it stronger.

The only way to overcome unhealthy urges and cravings is to deny them as they arise.

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Absolutely. Being mindful of which thoughts will benefit us, and which thoughts are toxic is such a huge part of being healthy. When I notice a negative thought or urge arising in my mind, I notice it, and let it continue to float away. I find it important to remind myself that I am not those thoughts and urges. They don't identify me. As I do this, I am able to cut guilt and shame--such poisonous feelings--directly at the root.

Just A Guy said:

Well said! You are the man! (Or woman if that's the case!)

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Haaha. Thank you! I'm a lady. But when I am feeling particularly saucy and devious, I have been known rock a skinny tie, so you might not be the the first person to question it

caseface99 said:

Thats awesome Zwanya, I hope to be where you are in a couple more months! 291 days myself.

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Thanks so much, Case. I remember before I started actually contributing to threads, I read your posts while you were tapering from subs. I have always respected the recovery program you have created for yourself.

^^ Damn dude if your remember my posts while tapering subs, that was AGES ago... I haven't tried tapering subs this time around...


And it's official - If anybody recalls me mentioning that I was applying to volunteer with a local needle exchange, the volunteer coordinated finally got back to me and I'm scheduled to start on March 18th.

In response to http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...ber-thread?p=12127345&viewfull=1#post12127345

NSA.. I apologize for not reading this sooner. I needed to step back from bluelight for a while.. just get away from it all. Rather than face my problems I just ran away and hid because it's easier that way. But I can't live like this forever. I don't know why I hid.

I'm still sober. I actually hit 6 months a few days ago. I can't believe it's been this long. This battle started last June for me, and it's been a good ride. Already had my "wake-up and realize addiction is just a fucking mind trick" relapse.

I'm reading your post now.

I agree with your first paragraph. I feel the same way yet I have a hard time actually following through. Willpower can only get us so far. Your second paragraph is interesting. I often feel this strange negative emotions for no reason at all. Even when things are going well in my life, the voices in my head and the anxiety in my chest is painful. I will try what you have said.

I have been improving on my "guilt". Like all addicts, I hurt and lied to a lot of people in my active addiction. I hurt and lied like it was nothing. I am getting better and moving on from this, time is helping me. I'm putting distance from it. I find exercise really helps me to keep in the present.

And I was able to see through the lies. Partially because of that post you make. You do a lot here and I really appreciate everything you have done. You take a lot of time to help people, including me. Drinking fucking sucks and I know that. I still feel that itch but my rational brain knows it's all just a scam. I recently had a large success in my life, something that would NEVER EVER EVER have happened if I was still drinking. NEVER EVER. I can't stress that enough. I used to drink when I had minor successes, so much that my memories of those successes are painfully blurred by the mistakes I made during those drinking escapades.

Speaking of therapy.. I'm going to be going to a therapist in the summer. I realize it's significantly far away, but logistically it just doesn't make sense at the moment. I think I've been depressed my entire life when I think about it more. I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life.

Looking at your list of addictive thinking now.
You are a good reader of people. I am quite impressed.. I definitely align with most of the things you pointed out there. I've always been driven to an extreme.. thanks for this. I'll look into this stuff more.

I guess I still feel a bit paralyzed ya know? Paralyzed that I can't live a normal life, that I'm always going to have this on my back. This time I'm going to keep working at it.. I can't live like this forever.

March is the month. No drugs except benzos. March and however long is my taper
yeaaaaa boyeeeee

Hey Generic, good to see you around here, glad to see you're still sober!

Dunno, you can do this. March IS your month.


I'm thoroughly exhausted. I might actually fall asleep within an hour of laying down tonight.


291 days. (technically it's 292 today, cause its 3:15 am)

Wow. Hello March.

Crazy that I can say I was sober for yet another full month! Booyahhh.