In response to
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...ber-thread?p=12127345&viewfull=1#post12127345
NSA.. I apologize for not reading this sooner. I needed to step back from bluelight for a while.. just get away from it all. Rather than face my problems I just ran away and hid because it's easier that way. But I can't live like this forever. I don't know why I hid.
I'm still sober. I actually hit 6 months a few days ago. I can't believe it's been this long. This battle started last June for me, and it's been a good ride. Already had my "wake-up and realize addiction is just a fucking mind trick" relapse.
I'm reading your post now.
I agree with your first paragraph. I feel the same way yet I have a hard time actually following through. Willpower can only get us so far. Your second paragraph is interesting. I often feel this strange negative emotions for no reason at all. Even when things are going well in my life, the voices in my head and the anxiety in my chest is painful. I will try what you have said.
I have been improving on my "guilt". Like all addicts, I hurt and lied to a lot of people in my active addiction. I hurt and lied like it was nothing. I am getting better and moving on from this, time is helping me. I'm putting distance from it. I find exercise really helps me to keep in the present.
And I was able to see through the lies. Partially because of that post you make. You do a lot here and I really appreciate everything you have done. You take a lot of time to help people, including me. Drinking fucking sucks and I know that. I still feel that itch but my rational brain knows it's all just a scam. I recently had a large success in my life, something that would NEVER EVER EVER have happened if I was still drinking. NEVER EVER. I can't stress that enough. I used to drink when I had minor successes, so much that my memories of those successes are painfully blurred by the mistakes I made during those drinking escapades.
Speaking of therapy.. I'm going to be going to a therapist in the summer. I realize it's significantly far away, but logistically it just doesn't make sense at the moment. I think I've been depressed my entire life when I think about it more. I don't want to feel like this the rest of my life.
Looking at your list of addictive thinking now.
You are a good reader of people. I am quite impressed.. I definitely align with most of the things you pointed out there. I've always been driven to an extreme.. thanks for this. I'll look into this stuff more.
I guess I still feel a bit paralyzed ya know? Paralyzed that I can't live a normal life, that I'm always going to have this on my back. This time I'm going to keep working at it.. I can't live like this forever.