Trying to fill the void

I was an iv heroin user for 2 years, I have been in a treatment program since October. Scared n confused I entered a methadone program across country, moving in with my bff. I inevitably found new connections n have had several relapses. Now I find , using or not, I feel empty all the time. Nothing fills me up or brings me joy. Its like a constant hunger I cant fill. Any suggestions??? Does it ever get better???

You are likely experiencing PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. If you look up PAWS here on BL or on the net you'll find quite a bit of info about it.

I think the general consensus is, is takes time for your brain to recover. Your brain has changed in response to the drugs, so it will take awhile for it to return to a baseline state. More and more research is being done on the remarkable plasticity of the brain though - the brain has a huge ability to grow and adapt. Every thought you think or experience you have changes the brain - so I think what's important when recovering from a significant habit, is to give your brain exercise - do new things, see different places, give yourself new experiences - give your brain as much positive stimulus possible so it can create new connections. You might have to learn to experience joy and pleasure in things again - but don't give up. Fake it until you make it. There is definitely hope that you will experience a wonderful life, and happiness, in the future.

I also feel like this right now. Im on day 4 and i feel like it will never end. It feels as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Like i am just going to be walking in darkness forever. I know this is my addiction trying to scare me to relapse again. This sucks so bad lol.

footscrazy is right. The human brain is so amazing. They are finding out more and more everyday the brains ability to repair itself after traumatic damage from drugs ect. The part that sucks is it takes time for this and every second is pure agony body and mind. It sucks that we just have to suffer through it. It takes soooo long.

Thanks for the responses... My counselor gave me similar information. It just seems sooooo dismal! I used to be so happy and energetic and outgoing... Now I'm just "bored" and frustrated all the time. I sleep and eat n see counselors. My life needs more to it for sure. Everyone days get a hobby but my addiction is still isolating me for sure . This site has helped ALOT tho! I'm so glad I'm not the only one

Wow I wasn't going to post but this sounds just like me. I can relate to Alikat. I sleep, eat and get on bluelight LOL for the past few days anyway. I'm on day 2, haven't had any opiates at all and feeling alright actually. But that sense of a dismal life, and guilt at not DOING anything every day......even when I'm "using or not" like you said I am doing the same things everyday, staying inside on the computer. Which I am active and an outdoors type myself so I do not enjoy staying inside all the time.

Keep your brain in is at most dopamine usage....by whatever means necessary.SANE of course that is./

It absolutely gets better. It will be difficult to fill that void, but it can be done.

Personally, as an IV heroin user my life was completely consumed with myself. When I began to live with compassion for the first time in years, when I began to see what help I could provide the people around me rather than just worrying about me; things got a lot better. It gave me a sense of purpose and eventually allowed me the experience and opportunity to help other people struggling with addiction. At this point, no offense OP, but you probably haven't got a ton to offer the world. Start small. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Go to a soup kitchen. Help Habitat for Humanity build a house for someone.

As my life's trajectory changed, my self esteem has recovered. If I feel that void beginning to establish itself within me today I know what I need to do: rededicate myself to something besides me. I never realized what a selfish mess I was. I'm definitely not perfect now, but changing my approach has helped me to minimize the feeling you're having--I almost never feel that way at all anymore. I am certain you can get past this awful feeling, just don't give up. You have two dogs inside you: a compassionate and loving one and a selfish self-loathing one. The one you feed is the one that will grow.

I feel the same way. I finished inpatient treatment beginning of april. Went to outpatient. Then I started going to meetings and meeting with my sponsor. I still feel empty and even though I just got a new job all I can think of is bad things - my anxiety is still high and I just don't feel normal and I dont expect to. I still feel like a loner and feel like my life will never get better. Im still drowned in debt and have to deal with it everyday.

Most people who are active in their addiction don't want to hear this, but God (or whatever you want to call it) is all powerful and can relieve your need to use and fill your life with love and blessings.

it will get better but sometimes it takes years before you start to feel like yourself again

Mehm said:

Most people who are active in their addiction don't want to hear this, but God (or whatever you want to call it) is all powerful and can relieve your need to use and fill your life with love and blessings.

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I know I had a hard time with that one back when I was getting sober. I then had problems with it getting clean (if there's really any difference between the two).

I was sitting in a meeting a couple of nights ago and one person was sharing (no names as anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, I really like the 12th tradition) about their experience in finding their higher power. They had been in and our of the program and someone else was sharing and the message that was shared with this person resonated SO POWERFULLY that this particular message finally made it through.

This particular person now has 6 months where they have never been able to make 5 days, ever. It's not that God has kept this person sober, that's not the message here. The message is that there is a need for a higher power in our life (and I do call it God). Without this simple thing, we alholic/addicts can find no real way to freedom from our bondage (unless you're into that sort of thing )

Heh...crack myself up. But even a week ago I couldn't find humor in life. I've now been clean for over 11 days personally and sober for over 7 months. It's been just the last day or two where I've been able to find some sort of joy and happiness (outside of actually being off dope).

Go to a meeting, that's all I can do to try and keep myself clean and sober. It's working for me and I'm one of many. I mean, we're all pretty fucked up in one way or another and what better way to spend an hour or so with other fucked up people that want the same thing I do?

How can you be clean for 11 days but sober for 7 months? lol, not trying to be a smartass it just sounds confusing....please exlpain.

At any rate I'm glad to hear how you're doing!

Mehm said:

Most people who are active in their addiction don't want to hear this, but God (or whatever you want to call it) is all powerful and can relieve your need to use and fill your life with love and blessings.

Click to expand...

I believe in a "higher power" but I don't think there is ANYTHING that will take any my need to use drugs

^^ have you tried taking the steps before?

Yeah I've done 1,2, and 3 the 5 times out of the NA step working guide.. I've done a couple fourth steps too, one of them was even searching and fearless. I never got to go over it with my sponsor though bc I relapsed.

So you have done 1/3 of the steps That is an awesome start! I would however highly suggest going to a meeting every day and working all of the steps if you want to stay sober for good. A lot of people basically live in meetings at first, going to 4 or 5 a day. What other choice do you have really?

Yeah that's what I did when I got clean the first time, but now I've been using for over a year again. (I had two years clean at one point) I kinda just lost faith in the fellowship because when I relapsed my sponsor and all my close friends just dropped me, even when I was reaching out for help they don't want anything to do with me. And I thought the program was supposed to be about helping addicts get clean!

This is what I'm hearing... You were in the fellowship for 2 years without every going past step 4, and the people that you chose to hang out with ended up not being much help when you needed them.

The 'program' is the 12 steps. The 'fellowship' is a group of sober people to share our lives with. Simply hanging out with sober people without working a program is not recommended by most people who have a lot of sober time. Keep coming back, it works if you work it

your right and I know the steps work if you put everything into it and be honest, i just don't see the point if there's nobody i can trust

Do you still believe in steps 1, 2, and 3?