Yesterday, I received a medical marijuana card in California. I've used pot before, but in very small quantities and usually it only made me sleepy, which is why it seemed like a good idea to get a medical card to help relieve insomnia. I went to a licensed dispensary and purchased edibles, as I am also in the process of quitting smoking (10 days so far) and didn't want to smoke weed.
Around 11:30 p.m., I ate 1/2 of the pot brownie. The guy at the dispensary said his customers have told him that about a half makes them very relaxed and gives them a satisfying sleep for 7-8 hours, which sounded perfect.
I ate the three bites, sat down and did some writing, watched TV and then finally decided I was tired enough to go to bed. My partner (SO) was already in bed and said he was going to read in the armchair next to the bed. I lay down and remember feeling that there was a pleasant warm sensation throughout my body, especially in my feet and hands, and that I had better stay in the bed because if I were to stand up I would be dizzy. Shortly thereafter, I began opening my eyes and feeling them roll around in my head. I was on the other side of the bed from my partner, turned away from him, so he was unaware anything was wrong.
My eyes started moving around the room, but I was still able to reassure myself that I knew where I was, and would be fine. But then I started feeling VERY warm, so I got up to turn off the space heater, and my partner said, "Are you all right?" At that point, I started shaking, saying I didn't know if I was all right.
One of the primary things going through my head at that point was that the PHYSICAL THINGS in the room (the furniture, the floor, the dogs, the walls, the lights) all had a VERBAL side to them. They weren't speaking, but they were all WORDS ... not the words of the objects, but random words, all of which were suddenly running through my mind. Every word I could think of was in my mind, they were practically being lobbed at me, and it was overwhelming. But then ... the room started swirling and I said "Call 911" to my partner. He said I was worrying him (he uses weed, but has never had an experience like this or been around someone who's tripping -- nor had I), and I said I knew I was but he needed to call 911. The thought scared him, and he said he was sure I was just having a reaction the pot.
At that point, things started going really awry for me. I became "unstuck in time." I was entirely unable to comprehend where I was and kept asking him, "Am I here?" It was like there was a tiny bit of ME left inside of me, but it was getting completely suffocated by everything -- by the universe, by the colors, by the noise, by the light.
I tried to speak, but only random words came to my mind, all simultaneously. In my head, I was moving all throughout my life -- at the same time, I was getting relentless images of childhood, of my career, of my personal life, of people I had loved and had sex with, of things I had done and sights I had seen. I was SURE I was communicating all of this to my partner, but through sentences like, "Dolphin giraffe queen soldier shadows cucumber matchbook tennis movie heart attack" that made sense to me but I knew I was saying words that weren't communicating anything and that started scaring me -- that I was making no sense and KNEW I was making no sense even though I needed to and wanted to. My partner sat with me and I started screaming at him "Call 911" but he said I was barely making any noises.
Then, everything exploded. I heard all of the noises of all of the universe coming at me, every noise you can imagine, and when I opened my eyes everything was no longer made up of WORDS but of MOVEMENT, of energy. It wasn't the "walls are melting" syndrome, it was that everything in the room was made up of EVERYTHING and I was made up of everything and everything was connected and therefore it was infinite, there could be no beginning or end because when it ends it begins again and always goes this way, which for a moment was reassuring and I could see the infinite universe in my mind, I could travel wherever I needed to go, I was flying through space and seeing stars and galaxies and nebulae.
And then that infinite vastness made me fearful that I was now this way forever, because forever is always ... and always is now ... and that meant that I had F***ED myself up entirely, and that I would never, ever get better, that this incoherent, confused, babbling, helpless state was permanent. And I told my partner this, that he was going to have to deal with this forever, and I was afraid he had called my parents (we're in our 40s), and that EVERYONE I knew, personally and professionally, knew what had happened to me, because many years had passed by now, and my partner was an old man and had stayed with me this whole time and had become alienated from all of his friends because of me and the mistake I made, and that made me even more scared than ever.
I kept insisting over and over that he call 911, and finally he did. (We've realized now that he COULD have just driven me to the hospital, but neither one of us thought about that -- he was just a little panicked.) I was fading in and out of consciousness from what I could tell, and the room was suddenly filled with paramedics. He had done it! I felt a certain amount of relief, but then fear that we had made another big mistake because all the neighbors would know.
At any rate, I went to the hospital emergency room, where they asked many, many times to both me and my partner if I had done ANYTHING else, which I hadn't -- I don't even drink alcohol. At that point, my heart rate was about 140 and they had done blood tests, which showed normal levels on everything. But I was still babbling incoherently, and at one point I told my partner that I saw in him EVERYONE I had ever known, he was the culmination of everyone I had been with, and though we were having problems, he was the one I wanted to stay with forever, because he is so perfect ... so, there was definitely an element of "love" to the feeling, but it was a paranoid love, a guilty one, an intensely SHAMEFUL one, worried he would leave me and he has seen me for what I am. So I started SHOUTING how much I loved him, which made the doctors come and try to bring me down, using IV valium, but it did not have an effect. After about an hour, they said that I seemed to be having a psychotic episode, so they tried a small amount of Haldol, which finally seemed to help bring me back.
I was finally able to go home around 6 a.m. -- the incident had started around 12:30 a.m. When I got home, I woke up around 10 a.m., and saw the Band-Aid from the IV, at which point I knew that it had actually happened. My partner gave me more detail -- that we had argued about calling 911, that the paramedics did come. I was able to describe a lot to him, but to me it felt like it had all been a dream.
The absolute, intense FEAR that my altered state would never change, that I had entered a permanently different place, was the worst experience I have ever had. I cannot describe the abject terror of that feeling. It undermined ANY positive aspects -- and the awareness of the interconnectedness of the universe was, in retrospect, nice ... but it was terrifying, too, because I felt all of the bad mistakes I made in my life were now coming to bear. There was a feeling of being trapped, of being paralyzed, that was overwhelming.
Fortunately, I did no damage, except to our wallets (who knows how much that ambulance ride will cost!).
The ER doctor said that they get at least one pot-related patient every single night, sometimes many more ... so I can tell you this: Based on what I know, pot is NOT innocent. I have not turned into an anti-pot person, but I know it is not something to mess around with lightly.
BE CAREFUL. Know what you are getting into. You may feel foolish, but ask questions about the purity and source of what you're getting, and find someone reliable who can tell you if they have used what you are going to take. And make sure that anyone you're with knows that THIS IS POSSIBLE.
I would not ever want to repeat what happened to me last night!
Around 11:30 p.m., I ate 1/2 of the pot brownie. The guy at the dispensary said his customers have told him that about a half makes them very relaxed and gives them a satisfying sleep for 7-8 hours, which sounded perfect.
I ate the three bites, sat down and did some writing, watched TV and then finally decided I was tired enough to go to bed. My partner (SO) was already in bed and said he was going to read in the armchair next to the bed. I lay down and remember feeling that there was a pleasant warm sensation throughout my body, especially in my feet and hands, and that I had better stay in the bed because if I were to stand up I would be dizzy. Shortly thereafter, I began opening my eyes and feeling them roll around in my head. I was on the other side of the bed from my partner, turned away from him, so he was unaware anything was wrong.
My eyes started moving around the room, but I was still able to reassure myself that I knew where I was, and would be fine. But then I started feeling VERY warm, so I got up to turn off the space heater, and my partner said, "Are you all right?" At that point, I started shaking, saying I didn't know if I was all right.
One of the primary things going through my head at that point was that the PHYSICAL THINGS in the room (the furniture, the floor, the dogs, the walls, the lights) all had a VERBAL side to them. They weren't speaking, but they were all WORDS ... not the words of the objects, but random words, all of which were suddenly running through my mind. Every word I could think of was in my mind, they were practically being lobbed at me, and it was overwhelming. But then ... the room started swirling and I said "Call 911" to my partner. He said I was worrying him (he uses weed, but has never had an experience like this or been around someone who's tripping -- nor had I), and I said I knew I was but he needed to call 911. The thought scared him, and he said he was sure I was just having a reaction the pot.
At that point, things started going really awry for me. I became "unstuck in time." I was entirely unable to comprehend where I was and kept asking him, "Am I here?" It was like there was a tiny bit of ME left inside of me, but it was getting completely suffocated by everything -- by the universe, by the colors, by the noise, by the light.
I tried to speak, but only random words came to my mind, all simultaneously. In my head, I was moving all throughout my life -- at the same time, I was getting relentless images of childhood, of my career, of my personal life, of people I had loved and had sex with, of things I had done and sights I had seen. I was SURE I was communicating all of this to my partner, but through sentences like, "Dolphin giraffe queen soldier shadows cucumber matchbook tennis movie heart attack" that made sense to me but I knew I was saying words that weren't communicating anything and that started scaring me -- that I was making no sense and KNEW I was making no sense even though I needed to and wanted to. My partner sat with me and I started screaming at him "Call 911" but he said I was barely making any noises.
Then, everything exploded. I heard all of the noises of all of the universe coming at me, every noise you can imagine, and when I opened my eyes everything was no longer made up of WORDS but of MOVEMENT, of energy. It wasn't the "walls are melting" syndrome, it was that everything in the room was made up of EVERYTHING and I was made up of everything and everything was connected and therefore it was infinite, there could be no beginning or end because when it ends it begins again and always goes this way, which for a moment was reassuring and I could see the infinite universe in my mind, I could travel wherever I needed to go, I was flying through space and seeing stars and galaxies and nebulae.
And then that infinite vastness made me fearful that I was now this way forever, because forever is always ... and always is now ... and that meant that I had F***ED myself up entirely, and that I would never, ever get better, that this incoherent, confused, babbling, helpless state was permanent. And I told my partner this, that he was going to have to deal with this forever, and I was afraid he had called my parents (we're in our 40s), and that EVERYONE I knew, personally and professionally, knew what had happened to me, because many years had passed by now, and my partner was an old man and had stayed with me this whole time and had become alienated from all of his friends because of me and the mistake I made, and that made me even more scared than ever.
I kept insisting over and over that he call 911, and finally he did. (We've realized now that he COULD have just driven me to the hospital, but neither one of us thought about that -- he was just a little panicked.) I was fading in and out of consciousness from what I could tell, and the room was suddenly filled with paramedics. He had done it! I felt a certain amount of relief, but then fear that we had made another big mistake because all the neighbors would know.
At any rate, I went to the hospital emergency room, where they asked many, many times to both me and my partner if I had done ANYTHING else, which I hadn't -- I don't even drink alcohol. At that point, my heart rate was about 140 and they had done blood tests, which showed normal levels on everything. But I was still babbling incoherently, and at one point I told my partner that I saw in him EVERYONE I had ever known, he was the culmination of everyone I had been with, and though we were having problems, he was the one I wanted to stay with forever, because he is so perfect ... so, there was definitely an element of "love" to the feeling, but it was a paranoid love, a guilty one, an intensely SHAMEFUL one, worried he would leave me and he has seen me for what I am. So I started SHOUTING how much I loved him, which made the doctors come and try to bring me down, using IV valium, but it did not have an effect. After about an hour, they said that I seemed to be having a psychotic episode, so they tried a small amount of Haldol, which finally seemed to help bring me back.
I was finally able to go home around 6 a.m. -- the incident had started around 12:30 a.m. When I got home, I woke up around 10 a.m., and saw the Band-Aid from the IV, at which point I knew that it had actually happened. My partner gave me more detail -- that we had argued about calling 911, that the paramedics did come. I was able to describe a lot to him, but to me it felt like it had all been a dream.
The absolute, intense FEAR that my altered state would never change, that I had entered a permanently different place, was the worst experience I have ever had. I cannot describe the abject terror of that feeling. It undermined ANY positive aspects -- and the awareness of the interconnectedness of the universe was, in retrospect, nice ... but it was terrifying, too, because I felt all of the bad mistakes I made in my life were now coming to bear. There was a feeling of being trapped, of being paralyzed, that was overwhelming.
Fortunately, I did no damage, except to our wallets (who knows how much that ambulance ride will cost!).
The ER doctor said that they get at least one pot-related patient every single night, sometimes many more ... so I can tell you this: Based on what I know, pot is NOT innocent. I have not turned into an anti-pot person, but I know it is not something to mess around with lightly.
BE CAREFUL. Know what you are getting into. You may feel foolish, but ask questions about the purity and source of what you're getting, and find someone reliable who can tell you if they have used what you are going to take. And make sure that anyone you're with knows that THIS IS POSSIBLE.
I would not ever want to repeat what happened to me last night!
I've been really close to calling 911 on strong psychedelics (never been there on weed though I have definitely panicked), I have even considered killing myself before due to the belief that if I died physically before I finished my tripping deconstruction process I would escape utter soul annihilation. Despite that, these trips have been some of my most valuable and impactful trips.