Talking to parents

Well I thought I might share a little story that may seem a little familar to some of you. I visted my parents last night for the sole purpose of getting my Mum to take up my phat pants. However as usually occurs when I visit, my father and I somehow end up debating various issues about drugs (He doesn't know anything more than I choof). Well he starting blurting out more media driven bullshit than normal so I get my back up and turn this into the most vigorious debate ever. Well after three hours, numerous diagrams and many, many counter arguments I actually got him to point where he believed all drugs should be legalised (de-criminalised, regulated whatever the names not important) on the basis of safer drugs, harm minimisation, health funds etc, etc.
Now the thing is that I always told myself that once my Dad was up to speed (Mum's always been far more open minded) I would tell him the whole truth. The problem now that I think I have to this point I'm to scared to tell him. Not because he'll beat me up or throw me out (I'm bigger and live out of home) or anything like that, I just don't want the relationship we have to be destroyed.
Well I would love to know what some of your experiences are, what advise you can offer and all that.

Airwalk bro, you have my total sympathy and i can understand your position. Well i'm only 18, i'm living at home and my mom and dad know that i take drugs, i've discussed it with them in detail just because they're comparatively open minded. They haven't really done drugs, i mean they've smoked pot but that's it. My dad is like almost 60 and he's probably cooler about it than my mom. But they still belive that it's my decision and they'd rather know what i'm doing than worry about what i could be doing. I'm very lucky to have such good parents. I say that usually the truth is a good policy, but some parents can be too dogmatic in their beliefs. However it seems that yours are open minded enough to take it, i'd leave it a couple of weeks to let it sink in and then break it to them as gently as you can... good luck bro!
Best way to do things like that is, what would you want your kids to do if you were in that position.
peace
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"Try combining a childlike wonder at the beauty of the world with cynicism at the state it's in, and stay sane... it isn't easy" - Me

I can only speak from my own experience and that is...I don't tell my mum, it would simply put her under too much undue stress.
She knows my liberal-minded stance on drug-taking and I know her opinion of the risky and potentially fatal nature of chemicals [she's a psychiatric nurse]...so I think she's at the stage where she suspects but would rather not know for sure. It's like an unspoken understanding.
I think she pretty much trusts me to be careful, no matter what I'm doing
It's nice being honest with your parents but are you wanting to tell your dad just to ease your own conscience? I think information like that is sometimes best kept to yourself, otherwise it may just worry them unnecessarily, especially if this is just a phase in your life. At least give the man some time to adjust to the thought that you might be dabbling... he probably suspects you do anyway - why else would you know so much?
respec'

Well, I ain't so good at talking to my parents ABOUT drugs, but I'm getting rather good at talking to them ON drugs.

*enter the girl who happily shares her pills with her mum* few months ago, pill party at mine.. sat down with mum, told her what i was on.. then a few hours later asked her if she wanted one (her reply? "YES please!!!") and since then.. it's all been good. Get back from an event and don't have to make up any more stupid stories about buying $50 worth of drinks or anything.. haha
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only users lose drugs

LMAO: Right on, Plague Bearer!
For those that live at home or have to deal with family on the day after a big one, it's all about scraping yourself together enough to look almost normal for those first 30 seconds when you walk in the door and say "G'day Mum, how're ya going?". Sometimes you do whatever it takes; visine, mouthwash, clear-eyes, lip balm, showers at friends places, food, makeup, certain extra drugs, whatever, staying away for that extra half hour... just so you can pull it all together for that grand entrance.
They'd be proud if they knew how hard we tried to impress them. Maybe.
BigTrancer
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Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Shoot.

I dont speak to my parents about it.
I live with them and they aint stupid. Like someone else said we share an unspoken understanding. Its obvious I dont go out drinking when I go to clubs because I drive, but I'm sure they would just rather pretend I dont do anything and then everyones happy ..... sorta.
They even respect my state of scatteredness when I'm coming down, they just know to avoid me cos they wont get anything useful outa me anyway.
Bongs and Beers are ok to most parents I feel but as soon as they think your 'using' harder drugs that whole druggie thing comes into play, god damn media, but I think as long as your parents see that your use of whatever is under control and not affecting the rest of your life their generally cool with it (wide generalisation). I mean adults arent stupid, they watch the news, read the paper and gossip about everything. Just because they dont talk to you about it doesnt mean they dont know about it or have their suspicions. A lot of them just relise it's better not to say anything and let you learn for yourself, the hard way sometimes, and then if maybe they do notice your slipping offer a guiding hand or something like that.
Just something I thought of.

I ended up telling my parents everything and would like to pass on the advice that its not worth it. You will think it is and then afterwards when you cant change it its most certainly not. Have a good long think about it before you do it, then think about it some more.
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"in essence, its all good"

my parents know allll about it, i've shared drugs w/ my mom, my folks go to some psy parties etc.
i think it really depends on yr parents, and only you can judge that. some folks are going to be cool w/ it and some wont...
i think tho, if your father has only *just* come to a new understanding about drugs, it might be too early to launch into the whole truth. wait until you've had more discussions w/ him, broach the subject more slowly. probably, when he reflects on how much you know bout all this stuff, he's prolly already worked out that you've done these things anyways.
i guess in the end you'll just have to weigh up all the factors and listen to your intuition.. values differ family to family.. to some the honesty is important even if they dont like what you are doing, to some they just cant come to terms w/ that kind of behaviour for whatever reason. parents are ppl too, and i've heard the stories of reactions going both ways.
good luck if you choose to spill the beans tho, i hope it works out well
=)

I can sympathize with everyone here on this issue. I would say definetely that it is best to keep some things secret if posible. Once the cat is let out of the bag there is no turning back.
You may not like what you have started, you can lose parents trust easily, and don't know how they will react.
You may be able to convince you're direct family that the habits you have are justified but there will be members of you're family/extended family who will never understand.
Basically this could be due to the generation gap.
Also all the misconceptions about drugs in the media doesn't help. Just the mere mention of the word to some of my relatives invokes pure disdain. All drug users are scum mentality, its pure bullshit. Most of the people I meet hold high profile jobs and are quite intelligent.
I have had my nuts busted about drugs that many times it isn't funny, sometimes just after coming down. There is nothing worse in the world, now my family just excepts it. After I re-appear 3 days later.
Its pretty much a catch 22 situation. Either way you go they eventually find out. Unfortuntely parents aren't that stupid !
[This message has been edited by PeRvErT (edited 28 June 2001).]

i reckon the problem is that in the media, and even in offical government strategy documents, the term "drugs" is taken as "injecting drug use" or "injecting heroin". those three terms are interchangeable in general use, and it clouds the issue. *WE* can see that MDMA and heroin are vastly different, in terms of effects, dangers and user demographics. But when people aren't familiar with it, it's easy to confuse the two (Ecstacy is a "drug", therefore it must be like "drugs", which means heroin).
i think this is the mistake a lot of people in the general public make. and then they get really fucking freaked out when they find out that their son/daughter/nephew/neighbour/student is "on drugs". they think they're gonna OD or get addicted and start stealing electrical appliances. now in my experience of E users, this is almost the opposite of reality. Sure, bad shit happens sometimes, but mostly not, and especially not if you're careful and use your brain. and most (if not all) of my pilling friends are uni students, have graduated or hold good jobs. they don't steal cars for their habit.
until the distinction between drugs is clear in people's minds (and in the language used in the drug literature) the people reaction will continue to be one of misguided outrage.
props to those who help people see the distinctions, be they your parents, friends or whoever. more is needed tho, and it's a difficult thing to do.
DQ.
[This message has been edited by De Quincey (edited 28 June 2001).]

My parents have never trusted me. If, at any point they actually did trust me, I did not catch any vibes which indicated so.
After telling them the absolute truth for years, about everything, and still being questioned as if I was running a crime & drug ring about the pizza and video games I had eaten/played the night before, I gave up.
My initial drug use was a rebellion which sprouted from my parents inability to trust me, and the utter exclusion I felt from their lives... They had been split up for years without telling me, and mum was moving out "next weekend". Two days later, I had my first pill.
My father found a saddie with white powder in it in my room... Being a part of the hippie age, he was into magic mushrooms, pot and acid in a big way for almost a decade... I explained everything to him, he understands I'm not using drugs on a regular basis. He also knows that because of the absence of trust I feel between us, and the little interest he's taken in my life since last year, he's not in a position to talk or force me out it. He has no influence over me when it comes to what's right and what's not. He's smart enough to know that trying to force me not to do something will probably result in reverse effects.
My mother knows I've smoked pot, and been pissed before... She knows nothing more. I don't have four hours to explain the situation between her and I, but it's that fucked up that I don't tell her one, single thing about my life.
I should add that once my parents realised all this had led to me drifting so far from them, they both begun putting effort back into the parent/son relationship. Although I already decided it's too late for that, I feel someone else may benefit from my experience... If you have rather liberal minded parents (only you can judge this), you may be better off telling them.
I'll try to conclude... Basically let things take their natural course, if your parents find out about you using drugs (notice I did not say "catch") then maybe it is time they knew. Be calm about it, even if they aren't. If you feel the need to tell them, tell them. If you are unsure, time will cure uncertainty.
Thats my 2c.
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wisest is he who knows that he does not know...
[This message has been edited by nostalgic (edited 28 June 2001).]

Great advice each and every one of you. I guess there is a big thing in my Family with a cousin who was completely addicted Herion for years. He also stole etc to support his habit. After $40,000 mostly my money he seems to going quite well. I've never walked down the heroin path and never will (I can say that with confidence). The thing for me is that I'm not sure how they would take the info in light of my cousin. My Dad in particular sees me as reasonably successful young businessman and may have trouble accepting my socially unacceptable side. Well I've decided to leave it for bit (A month or so) and reassess the issue then. Thank-you all very much.

Leave it a month, but don't bring it up yourself. If he asks, tell him. If he doesn't, then he probably doesn't want to know anyway. Let him make the first move, so then you're both ready. Springing it on him when he doesn't want to believe it would be more trouble than it's worth.
My Dad knows, but only cos he asked. On the other hand, if Mum ever asked I'd flat out lie. Dad has a more logical approach to the world, and although he as shocked at first he now says that he'd rather I didn't but is confident that I'm smart enough to do it as safely as you can. I had to show him plenty of non-media research, but now he has the full facts he's not as worried.
I'll second what Mac said though... make sure you give it a lot of thought, because you can't take it back once it's done. Is it really eating your conscience that badly?
Good luck, which ever way you decide to go.

My parents are the straightest, most down to earth people I've ever met. All through my life my friends have been saying OMG, you have the coolest parents - or something to that effect. They're only young, 39 and 44, mum had me when she was 19.
However, drugs was a weird issue with them, it was a pretty big no-go zone. My uncle had to go to re-hab numerous times when he was younger and one of my grandfathers friends (yes that's right, grandfather) had a brain hemorrage last year, which is thought to be caused by a combination of years of alcohol & drug taking and the fact that he had just returned to Australia after a 3 week visit to Amsterdam with no sleep involved. (The most commonly accepted theory, even docs can't pinpoint exactly why it happened.)
Before Advent*jah last december, after much deliberation, I sat them both down and told them about my 'recreational activities'.
I was living with them at the time, and I was taking my younger sister with me as her 18th birthday present, and they had approached me, worried about the rave environment and the fact that drugs would be available. A needless worry when it came to this one of my sisters - she is a little anal about the whole 'drug are bad' thing - she doesn't mind anyone else doing it but if they even start to offer her some, she throws the biggest fit about her personal choices and how they should be accepted - and good on her! My other sister (who is even younger) is a whole other story though.
Anyway, I've gone off track.
The main factors in my decision were:
Mum and Dad still go clubbing occasionally, and many times they've come across me on their travels (the Gold Coast is a small place)when I've been chopped and i'm sure they knew something was up. (Helloooo Pupils!) Rocking home at 10 or 11 am the next day, still bouncing to the beats in my head wasn't helping my sweet and innocent image either
I wanted them to know what to do if I came home all fucked up and needed help, at least they would be able to tell the medics what I was likely to have taken
I wanted them to understand that it's not all deadly and that I am extremely careful - actually anal about being sure i'll be ok - to the point that I won't drink any alcohol at all when on other substances and I test everything that goes in my mouth or up my nose (not 100% safe but better than nothing)
I wanted them to have a bit more of a clue when it came to my younger sister, the one who is naughty and very much like me, than they did when it came to me
and
for me lying to my parents about what i was doing was just not an option, I respect and love them as friends as well as my parents.
I was very lucky. They were really cool about it, Dad asked to see the tester and see how it worked and mum asked for any literature I had on what I take. Now, obviously this isn't the way it would/has go/gone for everybody, but on the whole, I'm glad I told them.
It's quite funny, now that I've moved interstate from them, if they're silly enough to ring on Saturday morning, I can just say: "mum, I'm kinda comming down, can I call you later or tomorrow?" and she accepts it.
Good luck, whatever way you decide to go, from what you say, you have a good realtionship with your parents. Telling them could either make it stronger or cause a few speedbumps in this road we call life, but even if it does, it sounds like they'd soon come round.
Let us know how it goes if you decide to tell them
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Find happiness:
live like there's no tomorrow
work like you don't need the money
love like you've never been hurt
dance like nobody's watching
and fuck like you're being filmed.
[This message has been edited by PsychoKitten (edited 28 June 2001).]

You guys are lucky.
My parents are both doctors, thus, they know "all there is to know" about drugs and how "bad they are for you." (even though they are doctors... some of it is the usual society-driven bullshit.)
They are quite conservative also. Thus, even more of a boundary.
I am fairly sure my mum knows I smoke the ganj. They know I drink occasionally... but that is all... and that is all I can tell them for fear of being locked up forever!
Sigh.
What are the odds of having 2 doctors for parents? I tell ya....
[This message has been edited by shoe (edited 29 June 2001).]

why do you think I hid in the dryer?

I personally think there are certain thing, that after certain age you don't want to discuss with your parents. means all it is sometimes going to end up with is them feeling more responsible about it, and u going mom, dad it is not a big thing, I do it once in a while have fun and walk away from it. I think after certain age like 21 or so if u are thinking you are getting hooked on to something then friends, or elder brother or someone are more likely people to talk to. As Airwalk said everytime he tries to talk or discuss, it all leads up to a big argument, and frankly howmuch ever we like it or not there is no excuse to doing drugs...
Personal opinion, nothing personal....

It's funny, we all know the majority of parents are hypocrits, and they assume the right to protect us from the *evil drugs*... My parents are like that, they are very much aligned with the views of society.. You mention ecstacy, speed, and their first thought is needles and smacked out homeless people..
Often when I get home from something big I'm still very much drugged up, and they will question me later on whether I've taken anything. There is no way I would ever admit to it.
I know and control what I do, but there are just certain things that don't need to be discussed. It would create so much tension between everyone, I wouldn't be able to go out without feeling guilty and repressed.
It's sad thats how their impression is on drugs, but its their choice.. I don't want to change their view, if that's what they want to believe, fine.. Why argue it? I'm happy taking drugs, their happy believing I don't take drugs.
Vua La!

"ask no questions, get told no lies"
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"ill never try an E" quote from me june1999(and i didn't untill about 40 pills later)