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Wracked with Guilt

M

Maximum

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 24, 2015
Messages
22
Hey guys, need some advice.

I am absolutely wracked with guilt over something that happened the other night. I have a very close friend who is in a strictly monogamous relationship and has been for 4 years and we ended up having sex. I am usually an extremely respectful person of relationships but the chemistry between us just swept that out of the way after trying to resist and calm her down.

She has a high sex drive and while she has sex on a regular basis and enjoys it with her partner, she doesnt get affection and is starved for that. It was a cold night and we are good enough friends to share a bed and we turned in for an early night for work in the morning. We cuddled and it ended up progressing. I held off as best I could but she worked me up and it ended up happening.

Now we are both feeling guilty as she has never done it before and said it never has happened before but the hugs made her realise how much she needed affection that her partner didn't give her. I know she is committed and loves her partner truly and deeply and we are both the same level of friends despite talking at length about this and the fact it happened.

I dont know what to think. She is one of my best friends and even though she remains that way I cant help feeling that im the bad guy here and I am a douchebag for not staying strong and resisting. She isnt the bad one either because I know how committed she is and the way we both meld personality wise just ended up sweeping it out of the way even though we both had the guilt in the back of our minds holding us both back a bit.

What do I do? Ive never been the asshole and now I feel I am. :(
 
Welcome to BL buddy. :)

At least you feel remorse man, don't beat yourself up too much. I would try and keep things on the down low as much as you might want to come clean. That doesn't always work out so hot. Confessing to BL is probably a better option.

I wouldn't pursue it any further and try and respect their relationship. You may want to keep a little distance from them for a time. I hate to break it to you, but you may have wrecked a friendship. It's hard to have sex with a friend and things remain the way they were before. Usually there will be some pretty mixed feelings for a while. It can get confusing.

Good luck.
 
Appreciate it Jammin. Good to be here.

I have been trying to find an outlet as I can't tell anyone else for obvious reasons and there seems to be some level headed people here.

I agree that we may have wrecked the friendship and it may be at a slightly higher tier now compared to what it was before.

We still talk the same as before and are still extremely close but it doesnt help that she told me she enjoyed me more than her partner because of everything and the unpredictability instead of straight down the line sex with nothing else added in. I fear that things may go down again but I would hate to lose and shun my best friend because of it.

I am just at a loss. She is amazing to hang out with and has helped me through a rough patch in the past so I know she is a genuine friend but I dont want to ruin her relationship accidently.
 
Sounds like she's making the moves man. Watch out for that shit. It can get sticky. Don't get tangled in the web dood.
 
I think I am going to keep away from her for a couple of days and wait until we hang out again. We will still talk but stay away physically from her.

The worst part is I have been introduced to her partner and hes a good guy but he is very distant.

Initially the point was to meet him to show that I wasnt a threat and we were clear on boundaries. I don't know what changed but it did and now, especially since ive hung out with him before and hes okay I feel terrible.
 
Would you normally take breaks from her? If not then a sudden break after spending the night together will be a warning flag waved at her partner (and could make her feel rejected).

When you have a close a really close and loving friendship with a person the boundaries between purely friendship and sexual can become a bit cloudy at times and were all human. I honestly would not beat yourself up too much over this as it doesn't sound like you went out of your way to make this happen. Tell her frankly that what happened was a mistake and that your feeling really bad about how it went down as your friendship with her means to much to lose over such a thing.

Could she maybe be giving you the hint that she wants to move your friendship into something more? Would you want that?
 
for a friendship to go back to normal after having sex you need to spend time apart.

BUT i think if you and her like each other, this other dude who has sex with her but isn't giving her any of the nurture kind of love a relationship needs is possibly just in the way of you two...

do you want a relationship with her if this man wasn't there? if so then maybe its time to step up.

if you dont want to be with her even if she was single them distance yourself for a while




be honest with yourself and go for what you want. alls fair in love and war
 
I think she would be an amazing girlfriend yes but her partner and she have been together for 4 years and im not going to get in the way of that.

I couldnt stomach it if I ruined that and I have my eyes on another girl as a love interest, thats what makes this so confusing. Me and this other girl live different states from each other and we are not even close to officially involved or even dating but we have a mutual interest in each other.

My head is a mess as you can imagine.
 
hmmmm - i don't think this will help, but this is what it's like on my side of the fence. sex happens. a monogamous relationship means you are committed to each other and eschew the enticements of others. but if you put two men together in a monogamous relationship with the condition that it ends when one of them strays...well, that was a fun six months, now for the drama. it's pointless and stupid. you just don't hide it or lie about it - you talk about it. all of you, together, if the extra is important to your life, or between you two. is something missing? was it just a guy thing with too much testosterone/other substances? but honestly, if i'm in a committed relationship with another guy, we've been faithful for years, and my husband by some freak chance has an opportunity to fall in bed with Joe Manganiello....and he passes it up and comes home to tell me about it? i'll slap the stupid bitch and send him back out after mr. werewolfsexy. damn, some things you do NOT pass up.
 
I just dont know! Thanks for your insight but its bit more difficult. She has said she is committed to her partner but has asked if Id ever date her if the circumstances were different. I dont know what to make of that, whether its an innocent question or wanting to know to make a move. This is doing my head in.
 
You said they have sex on a regular basis but you noticed he's distant, what do you mean by that? Distant as in doesn't pay her any attention?

I don't think their relationship is gonna last and the guilt is only gonna get worse before it gets better. If you 2 get along so well and have amazing chemistry then why ain't you ever been more than friends before?

You shouldn't feel so bad as you hardly know the guy, she is in the wrong for being unfaithful to him and potentially ruining your friendship.
 
Distant as in if I didnt know they were together I wouldnt have picked it. Apparently its a rough patch but its been that way on and off for a year and a half.

Because she has had a partner for 4 years and I've known her less time than that and I've been respectful.

The friendship is, surprisingly, still strong but I think ive made it worse for her because apparently, "she had no idea what she was missing out on before she had sex with me".

Its both our faults. I could have stopped but too caught up in the moment to be able to.
 
Hey Max! (short - saves typing).
For some people, you've both fucked up bad. Stop blaming yourself, you both did it. She opened herself up to you, and you accepted the invite.
okay... shit happens.

Now for the thinking part. Her guy, lets call him "Norm". How is he around her? Is he PDA or a guy that is somewhere. Reason being, "his lack of affection", is it real or made up. Since you kind of know Norm and this female friend of yours isn't some girl you meet at a bar - you should tell what is real, what is BS.

If you are truthful was your story (and it seems you are), I give you points for feeling like an asshole for what you both did.
But I am reading between the lines a bit. As a lover, I've had many women - some excellent, some who sucked so bad in bed, masturbation is easily more enjoyable. There is a thing as sexual and romantic compatibility. I've had girlfriends in which, we went through the motions, had fun... but the intimacy was lacking. My EX, for example has a great sexual relationship with her man. He's not me. But I know one thing, I need more than 5~10 minutes of fucking and want some cuddle time afterwards - which the EX didn't do. Now, if I wasn't enough or sexually right for a woman, I wouldn't want her to stick around with me. But that *IS ME*. Needless to say, my EX GF of many years ago, wasn't thrilled with my style either... of wanting to fuck for hours.

When I meet my future wife, our SEX was top notch. The intimacy afterwards - was something we both craved for, more rare for her - than me.

So here is your problem.
You both know each other on an honest level for years... Hell, I've stripped one of my female friends naked from passing out drunk and barfing on herself and a bit on me. Washed her body (she has a sexy body), put her in my bed naked as well as myself and went to sleep. We're not compatible as a couple, sexually or romantically.

She has opened up to you, about FEELING something, alive - with you. But in reality, she has to feel dread for Norm... another 4 years with him... or another 20 years, whatever. ugh. After 5 years with mine - we still have intimacy. We'll hug or cuddle for a few minutes before going off to work.

So, what do you do...? She doesn't seem to be attached to Norm all that much. And its worth bringing up... "imagine if you both got married and it was that way for decades?"

Do you want her? Yes or no?

Then you'll need to talk to her about this... see if she is willing to change? My EX from above has been with losers or guys who were emotionally weak, so its good to see her with someone nice, thoughtful and good for her in bed too.

Do you both tell Norm that its over and you two want a relationship?
Does she break up with him, then months later - you both "end up" together?
She is living with him, so it means her life is intermixed with his... so she would have to be the one to move out.
Does Norm deserve a chance to become a better lover? Can he learn? Would he try?

What one considers love, could be on a different level to someone else. Maybe what Norm does, is the best he can do?

As you said: "she had no idea what she was missing out on before she had sex with me". Remind her, she said that.

I've been with a few divorced women. One cutie, married at 19 for about 12 years. So when we meet, I was the 3rd man to ever touch her, be inside her. I meet her on the dance floor and got her panties off that night.
I did things to that woman that night, that she NEVER GOT in 12 years! I was first to eat her out... tasty. She was embarrassed and tried to stop me, but after a few seconds of my tongue - she was in heaven. We dated a bit, became fuck buddies for a few years. I never came over for a "quickie", I'd spend the night. Our lives weren't compatible, sex was very good - but we couldn't click as a couple, nor did I want to at that time.

She wasted her 20s with a lame 2min. fuck who would roll over and go to sleep when he finished.

So... maybe you two belong to each other? Its worth consideration... its also fair for her to give him a chance to learn.

There are 3 kinds of guys in this world.
1/3 who will never eat pussy.
1/3 who eat pussy because of respect, she wants it.
1/3 who love to eat pussy.
 
Clitnhawk. Wow. Thanks for putting the time and effort into writing that, that was a thoroughly enjoyable read.

To be open with everything, she is the sort that enjoys the wrestling, growling and biting in bed, struggle for dominance play and actual real affection which she never gets from her partner. The other day for example, she went to his trying to get some mucking around in. He was on the couch watching TV, she went down on him and teased, played around and everything and his eyes didnt move off the screen, she tried to have actual intercourse and he did with her but made sure he could still see the TV and eventually he got off but didnt bother to finish her. I was there for her when she messaged me feeling dejected and not sexy. And she is stunning too so I had to remind her of that.

We click in such a real way that I can imagine a relationship but at the same time I dont want to ruin what she has. I had a good talk and made sure after all was said and done, that she was truly happy. She said she thinks she is and she wants to be there for him because he has emotional issues and he makes her very happy some of the time. I didnt push it but I dont think its good enough. She deserves better. I dont want to push for anything more though at this stage I dont think though, I want to sit back and observe and if she doesnt improve ill have a serious talk to her.

Ive said they need to have a proper talk about everything and apparently they have many times. They are on a small break from seeing each other all the time (maybe once or twice a week) so he can improve but apparently theres been no change. If shes still dejected and sad I may step in and get a bit more forward. Im not sure.
 
Max said: "but at the same time I dont want to ruin what she has."

What does she have?

Trust me, several hours ago, wife gets home from work as a manager. She lays down, and I give her a massage on her sore hips and naked butt. That is what lovers do.

I said something rude yesterday that bothered her, we talked about it - I was playing around, but it was something she didn't like. So I'll make an effort to NOT DO THAT... and she is right. There are things *I* help her out - to make her a better wife. we talk, we sort things out.

"She thinks she is"? Sorry, she is not able to fix his emotional issues. Is she a trained professional? Does he see a doctor? Seems like, he doesn't give a shit.

My EX (who I am on good terms with) recently left a GUY like the one your friend is seeing. She was with him for 3~4 years 3 months ago, after 3 previous break ups - she left him for good with a guy who *IS* mostly normal. - I mean that in a nice way.
He's a better man in and out of the bedroom. People like him, I like him.

So the question for you is (And I am asking you).

Are you in love with her?

(I've gotten a shy lesbian to talk to her "straight" friend who she feel in love with. It took months, but that friend finally admitted she had feelings and they are a couple now. I gave her a push to "ask" the friend who was dropping signs, but didn't know it)

So if you love her, and she is FEELING real feeling from you and for you... then time to jettison the dead weight.

And don't be forward to "take her"... its not about that. You figure your own feelings (I don't know any of you) - but would you say/think its true that "I really like you as a friend. I would never and have never done anything like that before. And if HE really made an effort to treat you how I LIKE being with you / doing things with you / holding you - then I would never have touched you or say these things".

I get the feeling, she's not just a piece of ass.

Re-read my earlier post, take your heart out of it and look at the situation as a friend or an outsider.
 
Oh... also, if you two decide to take this further.

NO SEX or real dating while she is with Norm. You can talk, share each others thoughts... kissing could easily turn into sex.

Having a moment of weakness / desperation is one thing - a continuing affair is another level.
 
Oh I understand entirely, we still talk and say silly things but we know our limits. Ill take a step back and see what it looks like to me from afar. I really dont want to split them up or anything like that so I will tread very carefully.
 
You can't break them up. Only *SHE* has the ability to do so... unless you sabotage him, which in turn backfires and will end her relationship with you (so we know you won't do that).

Good, sounds like a good plan.

But I asked you a question.

Are you in love with this woman?

As a friend or romantic partner, it matters how SHE see you. - she doesn't seem to have much of a future with Norm. There are thousands of guys out there who would treat her better, once she figures that out *AND* that she owe's him nothing. If you're just a fuck-buddy or FWB, then how things happen will be different if you *LOVE* her.
 
Oh of course, I moreso meant that I didnt want to be the catalyst that separated them. It wouldnt be right in my mind.

Im not sure, theres definitely feelings there but I wouldnt call it so strong as pure full on love. She has been a friend for the sort of time that I consider her very close but things changed when we cuddled and ended up having sex. I think it may be the beginnings because i care for her unconditionally which is why I dont want to cause her the sort of pain she would get separating from her current partner, no matter how she is being treated because she thinks shes happy...
 
Be the catalyst. Why? Because its seems like you truly care about this girl and it seems "Norm" does not. Just from what you said, reading between the lines she is throwing all kinda of openings out there for you. She probably doesn't want to be the one to step up and initiate talk of relationship between you two but she is giving you big wide openings for you to step up

You don't want to "ruin what she has"? Why? It sounds like you'd be doing her a favor. She surely doesn't sound like she is in a great relationship. Are you afraid she will blame you down the road? If so remember it is her decision ultimately of whether to leave of to stay. Sounds like she is hoping you will stand up and say "hey I think we would be great together. Lets give it a shot".

Sometimes a girl wants a guy who wants to have her bad enough to fight for her. Not in the literal sense but as in "I want you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make you see that"

I honestly think if you put it out there that you want to be with her you'll be a couple that day
 
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