Wow. This is actually still going on. I can't believe it.

[deadendgame]

So yall know my story. 26 year old paranoid schizophrenic graduated from a diploma mill living in my parents' basement with no friends, no bitch, no money, no health insurance, no job, no friends. But what I do have is student loans and credit card debt. I have a roof over my head and my basic amenities provided for. Other than that, my life pretty much sucks ass. To be very honest, I am in poor health both physically and mentally. For starters, I have insomnia and have to pop a remeron in order to sleep. I'm overweight, don't know if I'm diabetic. Yeah, I get heart palpitations and arrhythmia sometime. My resting blood pressure is 150/90. But I learned to ignore that, because my life fuckin sucks ass and dying wouldn't really be much worse. Yall might tell me to seek mental/physical help. Here's the problem with that. As mentioned, I don't have good health insurance and each day I stay in the psych ward costs me 2 grand. If I do seek help, my parents will tell me to go fuck myself and this living arrangement I have going on over here is going to end. So in addition to having nothing, but debt, I'm gonna lose my car and housing. There is a special label given to one who does not have housing and that is called homeless which is now illegal to be.

So now I am in this situation, but it gets worse than that. I did the math and there is potentially 572,000 hours of life left for me. Hopefully it's not that. I really hope it is much shorter than that as I do not want to live that long. I know there is a way out of this. There is always one way out of your situation but that way is taboo and stigmatized by society so I won't say it on here. Yeah man, that is my life and I can't compare it to other peoples' but I think it's pretty shitty. And if it's shitty now, I can only imagine how much shitty it's gonna be. Honestly, I am trying my best. If I make any sort of mistake, I can say goodbye to my ride and my crib. I really don't understand what I am supposed to do. I know what I am supposed to do actually. I am supposed to live to 70 or 80 without any problems and try to make a living for myself, but I don't see that happening. I don't see any way this can end well for me. I'm going to mess up at some point. If not for the heart palpitations, arrthymias, headaches, and all sorts of physical maladies (ie. the many cysts/tumors on my arm and chest), I am going to fuck up at something. I don't care what people think of me. People can go fuck themselves seriously. Thanks yall for taking the time to read this message and I seriously wish yall the best.

 

[Trigtrig]

Dude take a breath, there is always a worse spot you can be on. While it may not be much always appreciate what you do have!
Try your best to find something that you love doing like video games and better yet something you love doing while exercising such as swimming going for walks etc. exercise relieves pent up stress.
Making a hobby will give you mutual interests with other people making it easier to make friends. I know it hard at ties but do not wallow in self pitty.
Hopefully this can help you friend.

 

[deadendgame]

Yeah man. i been playing some video games these past few days and it did make me feel better. Thanks man. I think I feel a little bit better.

 

[Moreaux]

Deadendgame, I'm sorry you're feeling so low and it's not fair for you to have these stress as you're ill. There is a chance for you to have a normal life but honestly you will have to work harder to obtain that (also not fair). I know several paranoid schizophrenics who have decent full time jobs and earn a decent living. Thy have a house, a wife, a car, a couple of them have children, and so forth. Sadly schizophrenia has been demonized by the media for entertainment so there is a stigma associated with the disorder, but you can overcome that stigma by educating people. Also, your said you have a degree by a degree mill...are you referencing one of those online for profit institutions? If yes, you may be able to get the balance of your student loans dismissed, especially if you can't get employment in your field. There is information all over the internet discussing that. I think your biggest priority is getting your medication sorted out as your shouldn't be feeling this way. The people I know who have paranoid schizophrenia had to go through a long process of trial and error to find a combination that worked for them, but once they did they were able to face their lives more objectively and were able to make long term plans and goals, including damage control and clean up. It's not an overnight process but it can and does happen and I can happen for you. Please don't write yourself off. I also agree with the above poster, find and cherish those activities that give you pleasure. I'm glad you have one that you enjoy readily available to you now (video games). I also agree with him in that your should make a point to go out and take a walk every now and then - there I something very healing in a nice long walk. I hope you start feeling better!

 

[Tallblondeopiate]

Gratitude

Deadendgame, I'm sorry you're feeling so low and it's not fair for you to have these stress as you're ill. There is a chance for you to have a normal life but honestly you will have to work harder to obtain that (also not fair). I know several paranoid schizophrenics who have decent full time jobs and earn a decent living. Thy have a house, a wife, a car, a couple of them have children, and so forth. Sadly schizophrenia has been demonized by the media for entertainment so there is a stigma associated with the disorder, but you can overcome that stigma by educating people. Also, your said you have a degree by a degree mill...are you referencing one of those online for profit institutions? If yes, you may be able to get the balance of your student loans dismissed, especially if you can't get employment in your field. There is information all over the internet discussing that. I think your biggest priority is getting your medication sorted out as your shouldn't be feeling this way. The people I know who have paranoid schizophrenia had to go through a long process of trial and error to find a combination that worked for them, but once they did they were able to face their lives more objectively and were able to make long term plans and goals, including damage control and clean up. It's not an overnight process but it can and does happen and I can happen for you. Please don't write yourself off. I also agree with the above poster, find and cherish those activities that give you pleasure. I'm glad you have one that you enjoy readily available to you now (video games). I also agree with him in that your should make a point to go out and take a walk every now and then - there I something very healing in a nice long walk. I hope you start feeling better!

Hey deadendgame,

I came across your post this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I myself am in withdrawals from banging black tar into my veins and trying to enjoy life again without drugs or alcohol. I came up with some basics today of enjoying life.

Food
Music
Sex/Love
Connections with people friends/family
Activities in the world

I don't know about you but when I'm really down and I play some really loud music and sing along or dance around my living room I feel better. I know your in a basement but I'm sure u got some headphones? What kind of music u into?

U keep saying your gonna mess up at some point. Lose your benefits from your folks. What's that about? They must love you. Do u hang out with them? I'm currently renting from my parents and I'm in my 30's. I know I'm on thin ice cause I've gone on benders where I don't come home for days and when I do I'm a mess everyone is worried and it's awful. If I get caught with needles in this house it won't be good. Stupid thing is the only reason I'm not getting high tonight is because the tar I'm putting in is fucked up every site on my arms and I have a swollen ankle from trying to inject there. So ashamed to even write that.

I know u said u hate people but sometimes we need them. I can isolate a lot too. Are u interested in dating?

Just know I'm thinking about you and that your life may seem shitty but it could always be worse. There are people in the world that are hungry and cold that have chronic pain and are suffering in so many ways.

Find something! Anything that makes you happy. It's not gonna always be roses but life can be sweet.

Good luck

 

[bomber]

M8, I have to dissagree with most of the comments that say: just find something that makes you happy. To my opinion u should do your best to improve the quality of your life. One thing at a time. First you should try to put your mental problems under control. Make it a task. It want be easy, it will take time and effort, but it's the first thing you can do for a better life. You sertainly gonna need help for that. Seek it. Money or not, there MUST be some way of getting some kind of help.
Then improve ur self. Nutrition and workout. With a stronger body things will become easier. Then the money thing. Improve your skills at something so that you can make it a job or find other ways for getting money. Through doing this you will see your personality changing. Then you should try to socialize better. At the end, bitches friends jobs and stuff will become part of your life.Yeah I know I wrote all this in such a small text and make it sound like it's an easy thing. No it's gonna be a hard efford with a ton of failours and dissapointments and perhaps it will take long for things to start becoming better. But that's the only way out I can see and suggest, since I don't really think anything good could come from a suiside.While you are in that effort, finding something that makes you happier and gives you a nice time could be good and helpfull, but I don't think it would be enough alone.Good luck m8, and take care.

 

[Stuart303]

Hey Deadendgame, this may sound a bit strange but do you like animals?? A few years ago when I got off heroin after a long time using my life felt totally shit, no enjoyment in anything and I was back living with my mother and never had a penny to my name. Then a friend of mine asked me to look after his dog while he went on holiday. It was a big slobbering beast a cross between american bulldog and English bulldog. I had always thought dogs were nice to look at but never thought about getting one so I wasn't too keen but he gave me a large block of hashish as payment. It was great. It gave me a reason to get up everyday and get out walking meaning I was getting exercise which helps loads but the main thing was having a pet really cheered me up. When my friend came back from holiday i wasnt too keen on giving the dog back so he sold it to me. I know that its not the first thing that people think about to help improve mental health but it worked wonders for me.

If you don't like dogs get an aquarium.

 

[deadendgame]

Thanks for the advice yall. Yeah, I went to a diploma mill. I can't find a job in the field because the school is not legit and I picked the wrong major. I can't have animals. My parents are not okay with that and they barely give me enough space to house myself. I do like animals. I mean I never had one, but the only thing is it is really hard to clean up their mess. I took up your advice and I'm listening to some music. I will sometimes indulge in my favorite foods, but most of the time, I can only spend like 5 dollars on meals. Yeah man, this is really happening to me.

 

[phydo]

yeah, but it could be worse. Ive been there. I got involved in some crazy shit once and I've been there so bad lol. I agree first thing is address the mental issues and find something you like as in music or something. Food is good too. I'm withdrawing now so I'm right there with you. This time I have a job (when I get back from the holiday), and they didn't fire my ass so I'll retain insurance and stuff and my car, but I've been right where you are too, seven years ago. I can remember it like yesterday and I don't know how I almost got into the same spiral again. Also, just keep your hopes up. Nothing good will come from beating down on yourself because you gotta think of the future not the past. Remember it, but don't beat yourself up on it. The only way out is through, as one of my favorite artists put it.