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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Words That Have Changed You.

"Ha, we've talked about this before man, I moved here from Seattle in May!"

ohh hahah i remember now...! my bad.

i thrive on the fog, trees, rivers, rocks, moss, sea and landscapes, the fall and winters daily lunar like lighting and crisp air. the dead fallen decaying massive cedars and evergreens, rotting away into fertile mulch with smaller trees, ferns, moss, and mushies growing, and feeding from them, giving shelter to animals, slugs and bugs, anyway.

B.O.T.
 
Rudyard Kipling - If.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it.
 
"That's When I Reach For My Revolver"

Once I had my heroes
Once I had my dreams
But all of that is changed now
The truth begins again
The truth is not that comfortable, no
Mother taught us patience
The virtues of restraint
Father taught us boundaries
The knowledge we must go
I'm trying to protect my unity

That's when I reach for my revolver
That's when it all gets blown away
That's when I reach for my revolver
The spirit passes by this way

A friend of mine once told me
His one and only aim
To build a giant castle
And in it sign his name
Sign it with complete community

That's when I reach for my revolver
That's when it all gets blown away
That's when I reach for my revolver
The spirit passes by this way

Now that the sky is empty
And that is nothing new
Instead they look upon us
When they tell me
That we're nothing
I say!

That's when I reach for my revolver
That's when it all gets blown away
That's when I reach for my revolver
The spirit passes by this way

That's when I reach for my revolver
That's when it all gets blown away
That's when I reach for my revolver
The spirit passes by this way
 
Haha, I had two quotes but being me can't just write them down without writing some long ass reflection that probably doesn't make any sense.... feel free to delete if too off topic! :)

Whoever said "I’ve been a junkie for ten years and I’ve spent seven of them waiting" or something along those lines) made me think about how “waiting” appears in drug addicts (specifically me). Not just the wasted hours/afternoons/evenings of literally WAITING for drug dealers, but the way that drugs put us in this stage of being in a waiting room. I try to convince myself daily that I’m living the adult life by being financially independent and living on my own. But if I look at the state my life is in, I don’t feel like I’m any more grown up than I was when I left home. I’m just sort of treading water, not pushing myself to make adult decisions/steps in my life. Seriously relationship? Not with guys I would actually marry. Kids? Yes, someday, even though everyday I make it less likely I’ll be able to have them. . Job? I like it, makes me $, but it’s just a means of getting by. Trying to improve? No. In my head I think all of these things haven’t happened/aren’t possibly because of the drug use. But they will happen once I magically decide to stop using drugs… I’m waiting for some epiphany or burst of motivation to get me past this limo-stage and for my life to begin (again).

Another phrase that struck me and is in line with my rant above was something this girl in a group said to me “What’s the real difference between an anorexic and a junkie? Do they REALLY recover that differently?” Anorexics are junkies in my opinion (I’m addicted to not eating and getting high off it, and force me to eat and I’ll go through as much pain/craving to relapse as any heroin addict) but the phrase pushed me to start seeing the connection between how I’ve presumed recovery will work for me with anorexia and drugs. With my ED, instead of thinking life will begin again for me when I get the motivation to stop, I’ve always had the idea that something meaningful will come into my life and it will be a force strong enough to cause me to stop with ED (the magic motivation). Even though my dream of gymnastics from the age of three wasn’t strong enough, I’ve still always thought there is SOMETHING- being a mom, getting married, some essential part of life that will be.

This was (and even though I know its bullshit now still continues to sort of linger around) my theory of recovery for a long time… but was shattered by this image/experience (sorry not a word! Going off topic but I will try and make it tie in so my post isn’t deleted
of being around this woman I was hospitalized with. I was eighteen and she was forty-nine, had been struggling with her ED for 33 years. We were both restricted to this lounge-like room (mental hospital) for three weeks, so about 16 hours of being together with two other nurses who never spoke. This woman was absolutely disgustingly thin to the point of it disturbing me, and she had lived her entire life encumbered by her eating disorder—it had ruined a short marriage when she was younger, she had never remarried or had children, had no friends in her life because every moment of her day revolved around changing/fixing her body, and she had been out of work for years and never had a career.

Anyway, tying it all together: that experience of spending time with her, as well as seeing the direct relation from drugs to ED with the girl’s quote…. And the quote pushing me to think about what “waiting” really means with drug addiction, basically just brought me to the realization that that whole theory of recovery was/is bullshit. My life is now and no outward thing is going to be strong enough for me to give up my ED; the woman was proof that it’s the opposite; the ED would/will stop me from being able to experience any of those powerful things if it doesn’t kill me (already well on it’s way). In regards to drugs, until I decide to stop being such a fucking pussy and lounging around in this stage of waiting for me to decide that it’s finally time for my life to begin, nothing is going to change. And basically, every day I spend using these vices my life is running ahead of me, I’m getting older but not wiser, and I’m wasting a lot of fucking time.
 
Bury itself deep in my facile soul,
Prevailing, claiming me.
Discovering my underbelly, my Achilles Heel.
Merely one more?
Dishonest – to oneself.
All that really matters is that swirl, the blow, fulfilling the promise.
For the day you took our very first hit, you sold everything away. You are no longer you.
A shadow, of one that existed before.
You become somebody whom you never believed existed.
Where are you now?
Your recollection fails you, cannot recall.
The shadows will haunt you, like a crystalline knife.
Cuts into your soul, leaving you numb.
At first you will consider it rightfully gone.
Then – you will yearn for it. Your splendour, and poise.
If you outrun it, fragments of you return, bit by bit.
I cannot liberate.
Breathe, for I in no way did.


I wrote that a few months ago. Not the best but I was highly depressed at the time.
 
the words from my father - "you're the reason why this family is fucked up and broken apart" always seem to resurface from time to time causing a period of depression for me. it impacted me hugely, only being 16 years old at the time.

dad and i have a good relationship now and we've forgiven each other for the pain we caused each other but those words still echo throughout my from time to time.
 
^ Sounds familiar..... I finally stuck up for myself and told my dad if he thought so many negative things about me that he diodn't know me.....the next day he said he respected me more for that.....we love each other very much but i too hear those words when i get down.....
 
^my dad said that to me when i finally convinced mum that we didn't have to put up with his verbal abuse anymore. he always threatened me with things like "well pack up your fucking bags and take off if you're not happy here". and that day his words finally took effect. he didn't speak to me for over 2 years after that. he couldn't accept that he had actually pushed us away. but it was inevitable it was going to happen one day, i could see him and mum were only trying to stay together until both my brother and i were finished school. they had seperated a few times before this when we were younger.

i live with my father now and we just about never butt heads anymore. he lets me live my life how i want to and i let him do the same. he gives me advice now instead of trying to force something into me.

he's definitely changed a lot in his personality, especially since he takes his medication all the time now. that was one of his downfalls. a few of my friends actually like my dad a fair bit and aren't uncomfortable around himwhen we're on drugs or whatever here at home. he actually joins the fun sometimes now:)
 
"Conditioned life is suffering."

"All that is composed will eventually break apart."

-Gotama Buddha
 
"i play the harmonica, but the only way i can play it is if i drive my car real fast and hold it out the window."




"i just got a new engine, forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes really really fast, the harmonica sounds AMAZING."


- the best comedian of his time.
 
in regards to our universe:

the only think more frightful than discovering that we are not alone is realizing that we actually are.
 
fathers words... 8) let's see:

anorexia:
"eating disorders are bullshit, if you had just decided to become a soccer player instead of a gymnast I would be saving thousands a year and your mother wouldn't be so upset all the time"
"over-exercising? that's bullshit. we're having friends over this evening and it's an adult and intellectual affair... three or four hours should be sufficient, you can find stuff to do there"
"would you stop losing weight for fuck's sake? it's making your mother look bad, stand over there so she doesn't look so large in comparison"

in regards to meth:
"meth addiction? what the fuck is that? you're addicted to shoving bleach up your nose? that just means you're insane, not a drug addict"
"meth makes you not hungry and that's why you like it? you have a credit card, save yourself some money and go order some illegally imported diet pills on the internet like the rest of your friends"
"what the fuck goes on in meth detox? you want to see a REAL drug addiction? go call your brother and he'll tell you what it's like to actually be addicted to a drug [heroin] and what real withdrawal feels like"

and my two personal favorites:
"you like your therapist now huh? well if you don't finish those potatoes I'll switch you to getting treated with some fat uncertified fraud, see how much you enjoy therapy then”
"your weight has dropped below what we chose was the minimum, so therefore I'm having you removed from our medical insurance policy” me: “so basically I can’t get treatment for eating anymore… because I obviously need treatment for eating?” his response: “I guess you could look at it that way, however I chose to see it differently”

While none of it wise and most sent me into crying fits, I’ve now managed to get into the spirit of seeing them as some ignorant and openly idiotic humor 8)
 
Crankinit said:
Your father sounds like... quite a character...
Click to expand...

^If by that you mean a controlling, sarcastic, and ignorant narcissist I would have to agree with you :D

I do have to give him some credit however for being able to speak the above in complete in utter seriousness, and for having the extreme dedication to his opions that he is fully comfortable/assured of his ability to argue with mental health professionals, drug addicts, anorexics, etc his opions (of which I've comprised a 45-page journal filled with his very best quotes ;))

I have a 15 page document on my lap-top filled with much more of his inadvertently
 
"If you shoplift again, you'ill go to jail again" after the second time (Brazil jail time) i'm imunne to the "rush" of shplifting...
 
Some of my favourite quotes, sorry if any are repeats from earlier in this thread:

"Life is too important to take seriously" - Oscar Wilde

"An empty stomach is not a good political advisor" - Einstein

"Hell is other People" - Satre

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” - Hemingway (line from garden of eden - not really a quote per se)

"The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful." - Mark Twain

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” - A.A. Milne

“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” - A.A. Milne

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.... those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” -CS Lewis
 
^

i liked them all, especially the dr. seuss quote.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

:D
 
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