Thanks for making me stop fooling myself. I am taking it slow, used just enough not to be sick and didn't take oxy today. I have about 10 days to go. My plan is to use as little as possible and for the last 5 days just use oxy so there won't be any issues with urine. I have Covid right now so not able to get to work. No wd right now from taking zero oxy today. I feel OK.
Once I get my scripts refilled, I am NEVER going to put myself in this situation again. The funny thing is that I am so scared right now that I think it will break my usual med habit and though my pain is horrible, I would rather be in pain than ever do this again.
So the plan is now that I know the stuff is legit (guy that got it says he specifically looks for quality over price), if I can keep it to 1 spot a day then in 5 days from now I can go back to my meds and leave the other stuff behind. As soon as I have my script this shit is going down the toilet.
I don't want to get high, just not be sick. It is OK for pain but not as good as regular meds. I should be thankful because I have major ptsd from a bad wd years ago that I didn't sleep for 3 weeks, not one wink. Days seemed like entire weekends just full of extreme anxiety, pain, self hatred, verge of a nervous breakdown.
I see now that pain is better. My problem is that when in pain my BP skyrockets along with pulse and arrhythmia. Kratom didn't work and I would rather die than do subox again, I used it for about 2 weeks and it was awful.
So now I just wait and try to take care of myself best I can with being sick from Covid and when I get refilled, I pray that I will have no problem with refills, then this was a real wake up call about what happens when "just one extra today because it hurts so bad" turns into doing that several times a week and being short.
Thank you God and my guardian angels for this possible chance to change. Please pray for me that I can get through the next 10 or 12 days and test clean and get reauthorized and never ever let this happen again. I feel like such a piece of shit. I pray for another chance and the willpower to make these changes.
I am grateful for all of you, this is so stressful and awful. I swear I learned my lesson, I swear I will not monkey around like this again.