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wife not sexually fun

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psykedenlitenment

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
249
So I guess I should start at what I know to be the beginning. When my wife was in grade school, ~4th grade, she found a Kama sutra book in her parents room. The pictures basically taught her to masturbate. She eventually got caught in school. A catholic private school, none the less. She has never touched herself since, and she's 29 (like me). Skip to now. We've been together 9 years as of Tuesday. I've ran dry of ways to spark the interest, do exciting things; I feel pretty alone when it comes to trying to be intimate. Every time we do get intimate, it's at her 'convenience' (not the right word, but it fits). Every time it's the same. She walks over, puts her hand out and we go upstairs. It's always Sunday night. I'm 97% of the time on top 'doing the work'. She claims she can't climax unless all her muscles are completely relaxed, that's..... whatever. Probably ~60-70% of my advances are turned down for whatever reason. I've told her that I've ran out of ideas/patience/(without actually saying it) desire. We have sex if it's a good month 3 times. She wants to see a therapist, I, secretly, want her to try MDMA or 5-meo-mipt but know she's against drugs (for her personally), but don't know if I should or even how to broach the topic. I really am at my wit's end. I love her so desperately, but she's always so distant lost in her own thoughts. Thank you for reading and PLEASE help!!
 
Questions:
1. Can she climax ? Or does she just act like it ? In other words, given that she was chastised in a catholic school, how far is she contitioned into thinking "sex is bad"?
2. Is she passive, will she just lie ther and let you "get on with it" or will she actually participate ? It could be she isn't getting what she fantasizes about...
3. DO take her to a therapist, it's either because she feels guilty about not "being nice" to you (but she realizes this) or because she needs someone to "let her loose" of all the mental conditioning she went through at catholic school.
4. DO NOT drug her, she would take this as a kind of betrayal and, if she were unconscious or unable to be in full control, she might actually draw away from you, feeling "almost raped" if you know what I mean.
... unless she enjoys a drink or three, in which case you might wait until she's a bit more "friendly" and suggest it like you would suggest something naughty... not sex related... and getting her to agree...
"I have a headache" "here, try this new pill, colleague at work swears by it" is also another option...

Let us know
 
If you do convince her to try MDMA, make sure its the real thing; test kit it. Lots of fake stuff about out there; but if you do luck out, MDMA can be a lovely way to spice up the connection. Long time ago, some therapists suggested it for their clients. 60's. Ah, where did all the pure MDMA go? How I wish those chemists would come back.
Sorry to read about the lack of loving. Its hard to suggest talking about it with her as talking is not what's needed here. I find it interesting she can't climax on top. On top is a main position for me personally but everyone is different. How about toys? Would she be open to that? Unlocking the past. Masturbation is a good thing and something both parties can do together. OPens doors.
goodluck
 
I'm fairly sure she's not faking and can climax (it feels like it anyway). She'll scratch a little or let her hands wander, but generally is pretty contained. I've asked her a few different times what revs her engine, but she either doesn't know or doesn't want to tell me. I suppose that's where the therapist comes in, but I personally prefer fixing things myself. I don't really like the idea of it being easier to open up to a stranger and unable with me. I definitely would NEVER intoxicate someone without their knowledge, especially her. That'd be an interesting way to introduce it. Kinda like Hunter (Murray) in where the buffalo roam does for Harris on the plane.

And you sound extremely helpful.

I was hoping, if MDMA, to use it simultaneously and talk through things without a prominent sexual push. Conversely, if 5-meo-mipt, just let that stuff run its course *wink nudge wink*, but that definitely seems less plausible. She says being on top doesn't work, also, due to me being a bit longer (I think I hit her cervix and it's painful, but I don't know. I just know she doesn't enjoy it as much.). She really is receptive to toys. Makes me think that I'm blowing the situation out of proportion and it's easier to address than I think.

Now, just to start the conversation. Thank you two for your objective advice. It shall prove most helpful. Very sincerely, thank you.
 
Get another wife, and make sure you are on the same sex page so you like the same type of sex and about the same amount. Someone who wants sex once a month with someone who wants it 3 times a week is not compatible and you will NEVER be happy.
 
baggerr said:
Get another wife, and make sure you are on the same sex page so you like the same type of sex and about the same amount. Someone who wants sex once a month with someone who wants it 3 times a week is not compatible and you will NEVER be happy.
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this. sorry but i agree. if your mismatched it will always be an issue. she sounds kind of lazy and controlling sexually.

was the sex ever good?

you want someone to have passion, without it there is no intimacy and open heartedness.

thats just me though. try and fix it if need be
 
I understand completely! My wife's parents are very religious and Never talked about sex! Get her to ask some of her close friends about X. You explaining it just feels like you are pushing her to it. Pot is a lot more accepted today than other things. Get some good hydo and a vaporizer and enjoy.
 
Ha ^!! She asks questions like "aren't PCP and LSD the same thing?" (Watching drugs, Inc). I try to tell her the most honest and plain answer I can. But you can only explain so much. Her colleagues are teachers, so probably not that much experience in the pool. I guess the question now lies in the realm of, "is it that difficult of a topic to broach with my best friend?" Shouldn't be.

For the Debby Downers - sex is not the most important part of our relationship, I just wouldn't mind it being a bigger part. There's more to us than smashing our genitals together. We work each other intellectually also.

To those who actually want to help, again, thank you; to the others - no thanks.
 
Hey, me back again. My sweetheart is on the longer side too. It took some time to figure things out because being on top is something we both like (me on top). But yes, the ol cervix didn't agree too much sooo, we came up with a plan. very simple. A little awkward but after a few sexonds we didn't care and this is what we did. We wrapped a thick towel around his, well, you know; around that and his hip area, a padding of sorts that allowed for full motion without his, well, you know, poking through to the other side and into the womb which as you well know, hurts a lady.
This worked fine. He says for him the sensations remained as he claims it is towards the end of the shaft towards the tip that he enjoys the most and the towel there for me allowed full weight and pressure, motion without it going through to the door of the ever so sensitive cervix.. Simple and cost effective. Hope that helps.

Sex is important. So is intellectual chemistry. Sounds like you and your lady are doing just fine. You know, some men don't even care. I think it is just grand that you do
 
This may be an odd question, but has she ever told you why she doesnt want sex often?
It may be a really basic question, but communication is key. Especially in relationships.
I would highly reccomend not giving her anything unless she is willing too take it herself and is very comfortable with it because otherwise she will feel pressured and may have negative feelings towards you.

Also, Do you's have any children together?
And is she on any form of contraception?

It may just be a body image/confidence thing, or hopefully just a hormone thing.
 
Thanks, Ubi!! I'll try to work that in (no pun intended (?)).

Colour - you raise an interesting point. When I've taken it upon myself to try satisfying her, she says she doesn't want one or she isn't the type of person who needs an orgasm every other day. Other than that, she won't really divulge as to why. It's not a satisfying answer to me either, but I don't want to frustrate her either. As above, absolutely I would only walk the straight and narrow in the intoxicants path. I don't mind burning other bridges (as past actions indicate), but I would never do anything shady against her. No kids yet, but it is in the future. She's on tripevifem for the kid kontrol. Now to the interesting bit. In her youth, through highschool, she was a gymnast until a recurrent broken ankle put the kaybosh on that. So there may be the body image issue there..... I do my best to tell her she's beautiful/gorgeous/very sexy/cute every morning, with the most fitting adjective for the day as I see fit. Maybe that'll be my convo starter - " you know how I always say you're pretty?, it's because I want the best for and one way to do that is to try, every day, to convince you of such facts. What if we did something that would make it wayyyy intense and feel like Jesus just landed a spacecraft on your genitals (I know, a little off the rails at the end)" or something of the like..."sometimes your cards aren't worth a dime / if you never lay them down" truckin.
 
For the most part, you sound like you're doing the right thing and are being a good partner.
Just watch how you bring up trying mdma or whatever. I had never taken anything before I met my now partner, and i was a bit hesitant about taking anything for fear of the unknown. So he linked me to this and told me to read and ask as many questions as I want.

Maybe you should try to romance her a little. They say the brain is a females biggest enemy of orgasms, and that it's also the biggest eroganeous zone(sorry if that's spelt wrong).
So maybe plan to cook a nice dinner for her, run her a bath, offer a massage, send a few racy messages during the day even?
 
Women hit their peak later in life, men younger. It is a cruel act of God and should be punished. I tortured my husband for 20 years, now he gets to torture me.
 
Maybe get another copy of the kama sutra?

I bet she will pick up fast as she read it as a kid.

Maybe you sre not giving her an orgasm and sex is a chore for her. Try eating her out.

Is she down with anal cuz that sure spices things up?

If she hates it and leaves maybe you are better off without her.

Sex 3 times a month must suck. Was it always that way? It should be more like 3 times a week.

Women hit their sexual prime in their early 30s so something is off. Maybe she is cheating or just really boring.

If you have kids maybe you need to get a babysitter or take a vacation.

You could try romance like a weekly date night or helping around the house.

I would adress the issue because I wouldn't want a marriage like that.
 
Get her an issue of Cosmopolitan, seriously! Haha it seems kinda weird but every issue has a section all about sex, crazy positions, where to lick your man/where you should lick her, embarrassing sex questions etc etc. What I'm getting at is maybe her seeing a major magazine that sells millions of copies every month might make her realize that sex is normal, especially things that once were taboo or kinky are completely normal now. You could benefit from reading it too haha I've heard a couple guys say they have learn a few things from the sex articles. I think it would be an easy way to bring up the topic.
 
Just a small update - last week I sent her a text saying that we should put the X back in Xmas. She replied, seXmas? I said that sounds like a wonderful idea. Now to foreplay for a month. (I think she's already forgotten even though I'm trying to invade/pervade/inundate her brain with it, without sounding desperate (which is in fact, and deed, difficult)). Here goes another attempt. If this IS unsuccessful (again, divorce is NOT AN OPTION), should I just take care of myself and whenever her body is starved, let her beg? And even then, I'm not trying to be an ass hat, but it would be nice to be the one holding the cards. Why's this 'life' shit so uneasy??
 
psykedenlitenment said:
Why's this 'life' shit so uneasy??
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It shouldn't be. There is no reason in the world you should ever have to play mind games with your life-partner, that's indicative of a huge, deeply seeded issue between you two. I grew up around my father, uncles, and all sorts of adult role models that would say things to me like "don't ever get married, kid", sometimes right in front of their own wives.... It's sickening how many people think that the "price" you must pay for companionship is through marital suffering, justifying to themselves that this is "just how it is". My parents had an awful relationship, physical fights and all, went through an incredibly ugly divorce, and yet, they still stick together (they're dating again, much to my objection)....both of them miserable as could be. They do nothing but complain about each other, my dad openly talks about how he cheats on her, they literally cannot stand each other, but neither of them has the balls to cut things off. It's the saddest thing ever. I've been with my fiancee for 8 years and we cannot wait to get married, and I can honestly say we're that "gross" couple that makes everyone gag when they see us because we're still so madly in love, truly best friends, and couldn't possibly do enough for one and other. That's how it should be and there's no reason it can't be like that for everyone. Life itself is hard enough, your companion should be a source of relief and sanctuary, not added complication. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't be able to come to some kind of compromise with her. You hate not having sex just as much as she seems to hate having it, there's no reason one person deserves to always get their way.

To be very frank, it just seems like either you're not being honest and upfront enough with your wife, or she is very unreasonable and selfish. She might appreciate the masculinity of you directly confronting her about this issue, and don't let her laugh it off as "Oh, some issue!" because that's a selfish lack of respect if she can't understand why intercourse is important to a man, and specifically important to you. It's a very natural instinctive role of the female to submit to her male counterpart that she devotes herself to, so if she's always taking control of the situation and shutting you down, that could potentially say something about how "alpha" she views you as, which might not be her fault at all. Most women do like to be controlled to a certain degree. Gotta do it tastefully. :)

Yes, relationships are about compromise, not SACRIFICE.
 
Thank you very much for that. I really am being honest when I say this is our only issue. I hate the TV and I hate her phone, especially their constant coincidental use; maybe stepping into that space will allow me the time I'm searching for. About your parents was really heartbreaking to read as there are relationships like that in my family; I have an idea where you're coming from. I'm really uncomfortable in crowds so we're not super PDA-y. There was a great lot in your answer, it'll take a while to absorb it. Again, thanks
 
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