Why I feel that telling kids to "be themselves" is a destructive message.

[psychedelicsoul]

Now let me ask you a question?
How many of you are 100% happy with who you are and your personality? I mean there is absolutely NOTHING you would change about yourself at all? You see yourself as perfect the way you are?
I didn't think so...

Now lets get on a topic that makes my blood boil. This is how two simple words have destroyed the generation of today. It destroyed my generation and will continue to destroy generations in the future. This is a message that's destructive to society and is peddled in schools, cartoons and by parents.
That is "be yourself".
Now, isn't "being yourself" what I'm all about? No. I think you should create an ideal version of yourself and spend your life striving to become THAT person. Be a creation of yourself, become yourself, don't just "be yourself" unless you happen to be 100% happy with everything about yourself... If you are, good for you, most people aren't.
Telling kids to "be themselves" only works if there's nothing wrong with them, or something extremely minor wrong with them.

How I was as a kid

Spoiler: me

When I was a kid, my mom told me to be myself, and I resent her for it to this day. I resent the lies that were fed to me through cartoons and the self-esteem building lies society peddles to kids.
I had zero social skills, I had freakish repetitive behavior like mimicking sounds, repeating words and phrases all the time, running in circles, spinning around for hours, yellings, laughing for no reason, I couldn't make eye contact, I couldn't hold a conversation, I was disinterested in everything other kids liked so I had nothing to talk about, I was hyperactive, I played pretend by myself, I had no friends, I felt awkward in social situations, I was constantly parinoid about being used by others, I was aggressive and unpredictable, I had so much energy that I couldn't stop bothering people randomly. Bizzarre attention seeking behavior...
I would jump up and down and yell and scream, when the other kids got annoyed I had too much energy to stop. I'd talk about whatever, the conversation could go from aliens, to food, to zombies, to video games within the span of 3 sentences. Unstandably the kids hated and bullied me, which I deserved.

Bottom line, anyone who would have told me to "be myself" would be a fucking retard.But when I went into high school, I learned from seeing other kids like me, just how annoying I was. I met other kids who annoyed me, and I bullied them. However, that was because I hated the person I was as a kid, and I took it out on people who were similar to me. Even now, I fantasize about going back and time and drop kicking my 7 yr old self. In fact, I blame my mother for not whooping me enough with the belt and telling me to "be myself". All she did was contribute to the problem. And the teachers were wrong for defending me. They should have let those kids beat me 7 ways from sunday until I learned.
I remember when I was first realizing that I was the one with the problem. I was actually watching Fosters on cartoon network. I saw the first episode with Goo... y'all early 2000s kids know what the fuck I'm talk about. I saw a character who was me... Goo was just like me as a kid. And what happened in the end, her behavior almost drove away her only friend. And what was the message? BE YOURSELF!!! How the hell does that work? Even after "being herself" nearly costed her friendship, the message was still "be yourself", not... Stop being a hyperactive nut ball or you'll never have any friends.

This message also makes people feel self-entitled. You're free to be yourself, but you're not entitled to acceptance by others. This mentality has led to the LGBT movement and it's crusade against religious freedom. People feel that they should always "be themselves" and that if someone else has a problem then they should be forced to tolerate it. This isn't a gay thing however... EVERYONE is getting that mentality. It seems like everyone on the planet wants to be themselves, but when other people don't like who you choose to be you wanna change them. People like me who identify as ex-bi or ex-gay are also mocked in society because of it's stupid "be yourself" mentality.

 

[Xorkoth]

Now lets get on a topic that makes my blood boil. This is how two simple words have destroyed the generation of today. It destroyed my generation and will continue to destroy generations in the future. This is a message that's destructive to society and is peddled in schools, cartoons and by parents.
That is "be yourself".
Now, isn't "being yourself" what I'm all about? No. I think you should create an ideal version of yourself and spend your life striving to become THAT person. Be a creation of yourself, become yourself, don't just "be yourself" unless you happen to be 100% happy with everything about yourself... If you are, good for you, most people aren't.

When I heard that, it's not what I interpreted it as meaning. If you work to try to be the ideal version of yourself, isn't that just being yourself? What you don't want to do is try to be the version of yourself that someone else sees, that you don't actually agree with. Given that this was basically expected of people at many different times in history, I always thought the message of "be yourself" (as I interpret it) was a good one.

 

[LuGoJ]

Definitely not 100% happy with myself but perfection does not exist. There are things we can change about ourselves and things we cannot. That doesn't mean I won't always try my hardest but no point in getting into a rage or angry over it. When I am unhappy with myself, I focus on bringing others happiness.

There is a great quote by Reinhold Niebuhr that I try to keep in mind, especially when getting frustrated. "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I believe it starts with God but I am not religious so I leave that part out.

What happened to you in your life that made you hate yourself so much? Almost every post I read from you are about how you hate yourself, you hate what you are sexually attracted to, you even seem to get upset over people that are happy with themselves. I agree you have some things you need to improve and fix but I don't think any of those things are who you are. They are just parts of you. They don't define you.

While you may laugh at the people that are "being themselves", at least they choose to be at peace with themselves while you seem to choose to make yourself miserable. Maybe i'm wrong, maybe you are happier than all of them, sure doesn't seem that way though.

 

[Help?!?!]

Exactly! You seemed a bit confused and it seems like your over generalizing something, I personally believe is one of the most important things in life! I guess some people are fine being some cookie cutter mold persona that simply follows others, aka the opposite of true evolution, IMO. Be what you want, do what you want! Clearly you shouldn't be hurting others by doing so but being who you are is so freeing...it may as well be the definition of freedom!

First things first, others acceptance is bullshit! The only acceptance that matters is yours. The only truly important opinion is yours! Of course you learn from others but you set boundaries. Being yourself IS NOT EASY! It's something you work at! It isn't an automatic thing that simply happens...well maybe it does if your an egomaniac....

IDK man if some person not accepting who you are as a person is any more than their problem, you have a problem! Being who you are and being happy is far more important than being some fake douche who only does things based on whether someone else likes it while you slowly die inside because nothing you do is real, it's just a fallacy created by yourself to gain acceptance. You'll grow old surrounded by people who love you for what you aren't. After the years pass you'll disdain life, your "friends", and most importantly that you wasted your life never knowing yourself, or if you do, you'll disdain that you choked it down just so someone would admire you. In the end your all you need...

Do I love myself? Surely! Am I perfect? Certainly not! Are there things I would change? Sure, no ones perfect, but the good traits outweigh the bad. If I don't like something, well then I'll simply work and do my best to change.

Lastly, I'll check this out later when I'm in better shape to make a reply. Oh and please make sure to be yourself OP! It's the only way to be....

 

[psychedelicsoul]

When I heard that, it's not what I interpreted it as meaning. If you work to try to be the ideal version of yourself, isn't that just being yourself? What you don't want to do is try to be the version of yourself that someone else sees, that you don't actually agree with. Given that this was basically expected of people at many different times in history, I always thought the message of "be yourself" (as I interpret it) was a good one.

If you're working towards an ideal version of yourself and you wanna change and improve then you wouldn't be being yourself, you'd be being better. However, I understand what you mean.

I agree 100% with what you're saying. However, a lot of kids as well as adults, end up interpreting the phrase "be yourself" in a different way. I interpreted "being myself" as never changing. However, that ended up leaving me completely alone. I had this attitude, "I'm gonna be myself" and I ended up not learning any social skills. It's kinda my fault I got bullied as a kid.

I've seen that happen a lot. I would give a kid advice on basic conversation skills and he'd be like "I'm not gonna be who YOU want me to be. I'm gonna be myself"... and well, you can see the "forever alone" meme in front of their face. Kids with no friends, no social skills, who are lonely because they're unable to relate to anybody else say "I'm special just the way I am"

I remember sitting in the corner at recess alone thinking, "I don't need them. Let them play together. I'm fine playing all by myself, I don't need those stupid retards, let them do what they want. All I care about it me"

 

[psychedelicsoul]

Definitely not 100% happy with myself but perfection does not exist. There are things we can change about ourselves and things we cannot. That doesn't mean I won't always try my hardest but no point in getting into a rage or angry over it. When I am unhappy with myself, I focus on bringing others happiness.

When I am unhappy with myself, I focus on finding what I'm unhappy about and changing it.

There is a great quote by Reinhold Niebuhr that I try to keep in mind, especially when getting frustrated. "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I believe it starts with God but I am not religious so I leave that part out.

Some people can change, but don't out of laziness or out of some misguided idea that there's nothing wrong with them, even if deep down they feel bad.

What happened to you in your life that made you hate yourself so much? Almost every post I read from you are about how you hate yourself, you hate what you are sexually atracted to, you even seem to get upset over people that are happy with themselves.

I don't hate people for being happy with themselves, where'd you get that from? Also, click the spoiler button in the thread, I told you why I grew up so angry and depressed.
And I hate being attracted to little girls.... Are you REALLY trying to argue that's a bad thing?
I hated being attracted to the same sex because for every time I felt pleasure, I felt twice as much disgust. It meant there was something wrong with my brain and I wanted it changed. And God wanted it changed too. Or maybe he didn't. I believe I used the power of my soul, but maybe God was on my side helping me.

While you may laugh at the people that are "being themselves", at least they choose to be happy.

You misunderstand the message I was bringing. I was talking about people who have problems that negatively affect themselves and others, but refuse to change.

 

[LuGoJ]

When I am unhappy with myself, I focus on finding what I'm unhappy about and changing it.



Some people can change, but don't out of laziness or out of some misguided idea that there's nothing wrong with them, even if deep down they feel bad.

I agree. Sometimes, what may take you a week to change, could take someone 10 years to change. For some, change is simply too painful and they would rather die.

I don't hate people for being happy with themselves, where'd you get that from? Also, click the spoiler button in the thread, I told you why I grew up so angry and depressed.
And I hate being attracted to little girls.... Are you REALLY trying to argue that's a bad thing?
I hated being attracted to the same sex because for every time I felt pleasure, I felt twice as much disgust. It meant there was something wrong with my brain and I wanted it changed. And God wanted it changed too. Or maybe he didn't. I believe I used the power of my soul, but maybe God was on my side helping me.

I missed the spoiler part. I don't mean that you should be happy with it. I'm saying that you must accept that is part of you in order to fix it, not simply wish it away and pretend it doesn't exist. As for what you need to do, who knows. Maybe it will take you years of outpatient and group therapy to overcome it? I'm not sure what standard treatment for such a thing is.

You misunderstand the message I was bringing. I was talking about people who have problems that negatively affect themselves and others, but refuse to change.

I did misunderstand you. Apologies.

 

[JessFR]

Of all the crazyass posts I've seen you make, this is one of the first where I semi-agree.

I agree that 'being yourself' can be negatively interpreted, that the concept of everyone seeing themselves as special, unique, and unneeding of change can be counter-productive, and I think there's evidence to support that.

I've been different all my life, I don't think quite the same way most people do, for a long time I didn't want to believe it and just wanted to be normal. Eventually I realized I hated what was seen as normal, and found a level of peace in the different beliefs and ways of thinking I had. That is a positive interpretation of 'being yourself'.

We have something in common, I was alone all my life growing up too. I didn't fit in with the other girls in school, didn't fit in with the boys, didn't fit in anywhere. And like you, I hate myself, maybe not to the level you do, but to some level at least.

Have you considered that maybe you've been conditioned to be disgusted (by perhaps a religious upbringing) of homosexuality? And maybe if you accepted it, would 'be yourself', you would be a lot happier? I suspect perhaps you're one of those people who feel god in his infinite goodness wants you to be miserable.

You indeed are right to hate your attraction to children, it's wrong in every way. But to be honest I wonder if perhaps you're so conflicted and messed up in how you feel that you're not even sure who you are or what you want.

You did not deserve to be bullied, and you sure as hell shouldn't have been belted by your mother... you need help man, seriously, like professional psychological help.

This is no way to live.

 

[psychedelicsoul]

Of all the crazyass posts I've seen you make, this is one of the first where I semi-agree.

Well that's nice

We have something in common, I was alone all my life growing up too. I didn't fit in with the other girls in school, didn't fit in with the boys, didn't fit in anywhere. And like you, I hate myself, maybe not to the level you do, but to some level at least.

I don't hate myself. I "hated" myself. As of right now there's things about me I love and things I hate about myself. I feel that I need to earn love for myself by changing all the things I hate.

Have you considered that maybe you've been conditioned to be disgusted (by perhaps a religious upbringing) of homosexuality? And maybe if you accepted it, would 'be yourself', you would be a lot happier? I suspect perhaps you're one of those people who feel god in his infinite goodness wants you to be miserable.

Now really... My parents weren't any more homophobic than a late night comedian making fun of gays... I was never taught hate. However, when I first heard of homosxuality I was 8 years old. I had no idea it was considered a sin. However, I thought the idea of it was really fucked up.
Also, if you believe in god, then why are you so resistent to the idea sexuality can change? Also, do you seriously think God is infinitely good? Look at the world around you. Personally I believe god is amoral.

You indeed are right to hate your attraction to children, it's wrong in every way. But to be honest I wonder if perhaps you're so conflicted and messed up in how you feel that you're not even sure who you are or what you want.

Pedophilia might be worse than homosexuality, but they're both equally natural.

You did not deserve to be bullied, and you sure as hell shouldn't have been belted by your mother... you need help man, seriously, like professional psychological help.

This is no way to live.

You get yo butt tore up when you act up. It's that simple... plus the stuff I was bullied for was understandable. If I wasn't a freak, I'd not have been bullied. And spanking is a legitimate disciplinary techniques. Kids today need to be spanked more

 

[RichardMooner]

Telling kids to be themselves has nothing to do with the destruction of generations.

Children are forced to internalize the social authority of their culture. We do not exist inside of a vacuum; the structure of our environment shapes a significant portion of who we are, and the idea that we can just "Be ourselves" is an illusion coughed up by capitalism.

We find a false sense of security in the idea that we, as individuals, are so significantly advanced that we're born with an inherent identity immune to environmental influence. The very idea that we are immune to environmental influence, is a product of our environment.

Every individual is different, people are wired differently, two peoples' conditions are never the same, but we will never just "be ourselves". We have a need to belong, and in order to belong, it is necessary that we conform to some social standards.

What has destroyed generations, is the system that created our current conditions. We accept and internalize oppressive notions of how the world is supposed to work.

It is neither, being told to be yourself, nor conformity, that destroys generations. It is the system that has created the standards we conform to, and the idea that we did it all on our own.

 

[ForEverAfter]

telling kids to be themselves can't be blamed for bad parenting.
you can tell your kids to be themselves inappropriately.
everything can be overdone with kids.
you can hug them too much.
compliment them too much.

but, that doesn't mean we shouldn't compliment them at all.
or hug them at all. or not tell them to be themselves.

telling kids to be themselves isn't a destructive message.
nor is hugging kids destructive. the world isn't black and white.
parenting, like all things, should not be approached fundamentally.

if you tell your child to be themselves, you need to monitor how they interpret that.
if they've got serious developmental problems and you keep saying, "just be yourself"...
that is like hugging your child to cure pneumonia.

it's all about context.
everything is.

you wouldn't say "go for it!" if your kid was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down.
but it would be totally appropriate to say "go for it!" while attending your kid's soccer match.

i'm sorry that you had a difficult childhood, OP.
i had social issues, too. lots of us have.

in the end, though, i worked through them.
a lot of my anxieties in life stemmed from not being myself.
all that ego shit: it's hard to get to the other side of it.
but, when you do, you realize it is good advice.

i'm more comfortable with who i am now than I ever have been.
and, from a lot of your posts, it doesn't sound (to me) like you are.

Stop being a hyperactive nut ball or you'll never have any friends.

maybe there's a middle ground between this and "be yourself"? (if you tell a child to stop being themselves or they'll never have any friends, that will - probably - fuck them up even more long-term...) you need to be delicate, with your explanations.

they should be themselves, within reason.
just as people should exercise their freedoms, within reason.

 

[Xorkoth]

^Great post

 

[LuGoJ]

This seemed relevant.



Perhaps you just needed a little Mr Rogers growing up, psychedelicsoul.

 

[alasdairm]

^ or a hug...

"be yourself" and "become the best version of yourself" are hardly mutually exclusive. indeed, for me, they're essentially synonymous.

alasdair

 

[Foreigner]

It means practicing authenticity. It means avoiding being overly self-conscious and overly self-critical, which are destructive to self-esteem.

They're methods of counteracting shaming that is typically used against non-conformists, or people who can't conform even if they wanted to.

Most children in healthy families don't become at risk for low self-esteem until they reach adolescence, which is when systemic programming tries to "prepare" them for adulthood.