Why do I feel like its my fault my family is falling apart?

[Ijustneedavent]

Tbis is going to be stupid and I dont expect anyone to care, but I need a way to anoymously vent my feelings. Ever since my mom got her first divorce with my real dad, it seems that everything in life went down hill. For a while I didnt see my mom cause she was in a mental hospital. Doctors say if she never had me, she would have lived a normal life. But it was okay at the time cause I was little and just thought that was how lofe was. My grandmother took care of me a lot until my mom found another she loved and madried him. For a while things were going good again. Suremy stepdad would get mad a lot. But most times it was cause someone was being mean to me or mom. But after my grandma passed, it got worse. My step dad started calling words, ones used for women who sleep with everyone. I was still little and I didnt understand what I had done to make him so mad. It got to the point I was okay with it, I thought it was okay cause it was a punoshment for me making my mom go crazy. Years went on like this till it started to get physical and anytime he was mad he would punch my shoulders. And hard. My mom finally got tired of him cheating on her and broke off their marrage a few years ago. My two half zisters ended up going with him. Then it was just me and my mom, but she started to have another mental breakdown and she ended up kickinv me out. She lived with my grandpa til just a few days ago. Shes currently in a mental hospital because she started yelling at me and pushing me around. My grandpa had me call 911 and put her in the hospital. I know she needed to get help, and that it would have happened one way or another, but why do I feel like everything that has happened was my fault? If i would bave never been born, my mom would still be normal. If I would have kept my mouth shut I could have kept my sister close to me where I could protect them. Why couldnt I do anything to help my mom? Why did everything I tried to keep my family together fail? What could i have done differently? Why couldnt I be smarter or stronger? Or even never been born at all....

 

[Help?!?!]

Why is it your fault? All those why's could be pointed right back at your mom... Why wasn't she a proper adult? Why couldn't she properly care for you? Why couldn't she keep it together for you? Why's get you nowhere really. If you wouldn't have been born your mom would still be mentally ill. That wouldn't change. What can change is your self doubt. Forget about your mom and her problems. Focus on you and learning to love yourself because your worth it. Your the one stuck worrying right now because you care. You don't have to stop caring for your mom but you should start caring for someone more important who obviously hasn't been shown the care they need, yourself!

 

[herbavore]

Looking for fault or blame will not help anything. Your mom is mentally ill and for that reason she could not care for you or for herself. It is tragically normal for children to take the blame onto themselves, but you are old enough now to seek help for how to undo that way of thinking. It sounds like you have had a very, very hard life and I am really sorry for your suffering. We are born helpless into families that we had no part in creating. Some of us get lucky and are born into healthy families and others see all the horror life can offer from their earliest days. It isn't fair. In a way it is like being born into a peaceful country or a country at war.

I do not think any doctor worth their diploma would say that your mother would not have been mentally ill had she not become a mother. Perhaps a medical person acknowledged the strain on her already fragile state of mind but mental illness is very different from stress. I hope you can know that in whatever flawed way she has shown it that she surely loves you and is glad that you were born. At some point in life, whether we are blessed with a peaceful childhood or a traumatic childhood, every human being comes face to face with their own solitary existence--the knowledge that no one but you yourself can know you, can change you, can be counted on to craft the life that will bring you happiness. Yes, others can help or hurt us along the way but in the end we have just ourselves. If you can get past how scary this feels at first it is actually a very powerful source of strength. Once you learn that you can change your thoughts you can change your life. Try to define yourself anew. You have been given a very difficult beginning and you will have to build trust slowly. But here is the place of power I was talking about: build it within yourself first. That blame you are taking on is not yours to shoulder. Try your hardest to let it go and know that you can make a safe home within your own psyche. From that strong position you can make relationships that are not based on need and pain but are based on compassion and respect.

Do you have any access to counseling or therapy? This is a lot to work through on your own but it can be done so either way, don't give up. Do you still have any relationship with your half-sisters?

 

[Xorkoth]

What "doctors" said that if your mom hadn't had you, she wouldn't have been mentally ill? That sounds really suspect, or maybe like something that your mom or stepdad told you to make you feel bad

I'm very sorry you feel this way. Your family's problems are NOT your fault, at all. Your mother is obviously mentally ill, and made a bad decision with your ex-stepdad. He sounds like the worst one in this situation, verbally abusing his wife and her child. Please do not blame yourself for not being able to help your mom... she's an adult, and you're a kid (or you were a kid anyway, if you're not still a kid), it's her responsibility to help you, you can't be expected to know how to fix your parent.

You sound young, I think you need to seek out some therapy with a good talk therapist, to help you create a better internal dialogue. Your perception is your reality, if you think these things about yourself all the time it's going to seem like they're true, but if you instead start thinking better things about yourself, soon that version of your self-image will replace this one.

 

[Trajal]

It's not your fault.

its not your fault.

i don't know how to get that onto autorepeat, but pretend I did.

i hope you're able to come into contact locally with folks who can get you some clearly much needed support. You seem like a d cent individual who is stuck in a shitty situation.

i will repeat.

its not your fault.