Why can't he get over the PAST??

[The_One]

Please, someone sympathize with me.
Here's the story:
I'm again dating the first love of my life. I fell in love with him 5 years ago; he was my first bf and we went out for 2 years. I was young and naive, obviously didn't have my morals or expectations of a relationship set. My point is that we went through tough times for cheating on each other once in the beginning of our relationship. Somehow, we managed to stick out our togetherness for another two years. During those two years he was very verbally abusive, almost everyday, but I held on. I stayed with him because under the bad, I saw the good. C'mon, I know no one has evil roots...I guess I'm a very loving person and can tolerate alot.
We broke up on bad terms. I dumped him because I couldn't stand being called names everyday or being accused of cheating, although we were both guilty of that. I didn't talk to him for 3 1/2 years.
***TIME WARP***
The time is October 99. He calls out of the blue cuz he hears I go to raves (one of his loves). So we go and totally hit it off. We slowly start building up the friendship that we never had, and things are going well. He is the friend I wished he always would have been, listening to everything I have to say.
We continue to rave and start to date. Dating is going really well and I take the next step: to ask him back to me. I can't explain to you all what kind of rush that was to know I was still in love with the same person from 5 years ago and not having talked for 3 of them. It felt so right to be back.
Lately, he has been reverting to the past. He'll bring up the one instance that I cheated on him, accusing me of probably still doing it. He doesn't understand that that's not possible cuz I'm a full time college student who works 7 hours a day and then does homework (bookworm, I know

). It hurts me to know he still thinks this...I'm sick of defending myself and having to explain WHY I won't cheat on him. I go through this without being catty and bringing it up how he did the same for me.
So we go through bouts of this arguing for a day, then he kisses ass for a week, then the one day arguement is back again. We've only been back together for 2 months, but I'm scared to see where this is going.
Am I dumb for going back? Am I the only one who can see through his insecure exterior? Maybe I'm too patient. But I love him just as much as I did 5 years ago....he knows he wants to be able to get the disturbing thoughts out of his mind...we just need to get through this together.
Any advice? I know this topic is boring....
But thanks!
PLUR,
The One

 

[PaRaDoX]

no, it's not boring... and no you aren't stupid.
However.... I don't have faith in people. The way I see it is, if that is the way he was before, (verbally abusive... etc.) then that is the way he is, and things aren't going to change without some serious effort on his part.
secondly, I don't want to judge you... though "patient" you may be... this has little to nothing to do with it. It almost sounds like desperation... You have to remembr that love is blind... this... emotion, that we have inside of us make us do realy dumb things.
I realize that you may be in love with this guy, and sure enough, he very well may love you in return. But relationsihps aren't built on love. I'm sorry but they're not. Love plays a big role, but it doesn't mean a thing without respect, trust... and all of those other things.
sounds to me like he was on his "best behaviour" to win you back, and now that he has you, he can treat you however he likes... because he KNOWS you'll put up with it... for two years.
Don't facilitate him. He'll walk all over you. sounds like he is.
maybe, in time, as in APART time, he could come to his sences... and make a serious attempt to work it out... but THEN, and RIGHT NOW, are clearly not going to work.
You deserve the best. This isn't it.
------------------
Who you are never realy changes... It's who you THINK you are that does.

 

[buttonhead]

Paradox, very well said I couldn't agree more.
Good Luck!
jenn

 

[*SWeeT-e*]

The_One:
Reading your post reminded me alot of a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. He would always, you know, "say things he didn't mean." And the things that he did that hurt me, he didn't "mean" those either. Because I loved him and I could see past all that, I could see that he really did have a good heart inside and he really did love me.
Well, we broke up and I didn't see him or talk to him for a long time. Then, just about a month ago I saw him again and we started talking, and it was really nice, and all that good stuff. Well, things progressed and I thought we were going to end up back together again, it just felt so *right* to be with him. I thought he had changed and that he wouldn't ever hurt me again. He ended up screwing me over bigtime and hurting me YET AGAIN.
My point is, we want to have so much faith in people, to believe the best of everyone. We want to see the good in people and see past their faults. And that's a good way to be, but you get to a point where you can't let a person hurt you anymore, no matter how much you think they love you or how much you love them. Sometimes love just doesn't cut it. Just because it FEELS right to be with that person, doesn't mean it IS right. Our hearts are so trusting and our eyes can be so blind.
This is just what I've learned in my experience. And it felt so good for me to finally cut myself off from this person, to tell him I didn't want to see him or know him anymore. I think a part of me will always love him, but I no longer want to be with him because I know it's not right for me. I hope this helps you out and I hope that whatever you decide about your situation will be the right thing and it will make you happy. Love n hugz sweetie!!
PLUR,
kimmy

 

[Wyrm]

I agree with the others, and I would sum it up this way......His true colors are showing through again...give him his walking papers and meet someone who treat you right.
Good Luck,
Wyrm
------------------
"Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda

 

[The_One]

Thanks so much guys. You are all so insightful.
I sat up and thought about this a lot last night. And it's true that relationships aren't built on love. But I think that he and I are starting to build the friendship that we need for a stone foundation of a relationship. I questioned over and over again, Why would he have been so nice then started acting like a jerk again? I thought we had both grown up--a lot. It seems that I'm the one with my head on straight.
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing him apologize for saying the same things he used to, although he has not called me a name since we've began talking 4 months ago. Last night we had a discussion about our "friendship." He mentioned that he felt a little rushed to get back with me, since I WAS the one to ask him back. It made total sense: I think I saw the good in him that I fell in love with 5 years ago, and that seemed to be his prominent emotion. BUT, we left some things unfinished...and the emotions associated with those things are starting to resurface.
I think we may decide to not be so serious. I know, I'm too much of a wimp to break up with him, but last night we unanimously agreed that things need to slow WAAAY down. I just hate feeling that tension knowing that if a split up was to occur, I'd be left in square one again, wondering what the hell could we both have done different.
But I'll keep on trying because my love in unconditional...but that doesn't include verbal abuse. In that case...I'm OUT.
Thanks SOOOO much for listening! I love you all...
The One

 

[Skipp-E]

Tell him to fuckin kick rocks!!
Nobody deserves to be abused, emotionally or physically, no matter what!

I agree with every1 else about his true colors surfacing again.
YOU DESERVE BETTER BABY!!

Good luck!
Skipp-E

 

[partydiva]

The One, I feel your pain...I had a guy who was my best friend for 2-3 years, and I felt more comfortable with him than anyone and one day I realized I just loved him...we lost our virginity to each other and after that he was really possessive and jealous of me talking to other guys, etc. We broke up on horrible terms and didn't talk for over a year and then out of the blue one night ended up hanging out>he apologized and we just picked up right where we had left off. At first I was thrilled to be in a relationship with him again, but we never really worked the old issues out (besides his little "I'm sorry" speech that I instantly accepted) and almost immediately he started throwing things back in my face; he would talk about guys I had dated while we were separated...when I wouldn't even have been dating them if he hadn't have pulled away from me! I hung in there for a year but the games were too much and I got tired of trying to prove myself to him. It turned out even shittier than the first time we broke up. I still have issues about it, cause it is hard when you love somebody, open up to them, give them everything you can, and then they just toy with your emotions. Basically he was out for revenge and while I don't think every guy is that way [yes, I still have faith in mankind! =)] I think people's egos get in the way and even if you both genuinely care about each other sometimes the past holds too much baggage. I would definitely advise you to COMMUNICATE with this guy...as hard as it might be you need to get everything out in the open, for good or bad. That will go a long way to resolving it. It may not work out perfectly but you deserve to have your say and hear his perspective. I'm not going to say you deserve better or anything like that because I think we all deserve whatever makes us happy and we have to determine for ourselves what that is. Some relationships do require effort - you have to decide if it is worth it. And there is no such thing as a mistake; even if this guy hurts you it will serve as a learning experience and teach you a lot. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.
[This message has been edited by partydiva (edited 25 January 2000).]

 

[The_One]

partydiva---
You went through the EXACT same thing that I'm going through now. The first phone conversation we had in 3 years was nothing but an apology on his part that brought me to tears. I thought by talking and becoming friends again that we were smoothing everything out.
Until he, like your ex, started bringing up other guys. He wasn't even part of my life then, why should he be able to say shit about it? I hope it doesn't take me a year to see that his true colors are resurfacing.
I've been strong and independent before, I can do it again. The only thing I fear is the heartache.
The One

 

[partydiva]

Even though it turned out badly for me, I am all for you giving him a chance. At least you won't always wonder "what if..?" Yes, obviously I am still not quite over it but the only thing I would change is that I didn't tell him my TRUE feelings. I don't regret taking him back because I wanted him back all along, anyone who has been in an intense relationship knows you don't just get over it in a snap. I still feel unresolved because I held back important things from him, but I know everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to be we will find each other again. As I said before the BEST thing to do would be to talk it out. I know that is easier said than done but based on your description of the situation that is what it will take. And IF it does fall apart you cannot blame yourself because it sounds to me like you are trying and there is only so much you can do...it's impossible to MAKE a person love you or trust you - those emotions depend on that indvidual. But if you guys are making an effort and coming back to each other after all this time, I don't think he is just playing you or intending to hurt you - there is something there, for both of you so take comfort in that. And you are attempting to make it work which is the most you can do. Again, good luck and let me know how it turns out!

 

[The_One]

Trust me, everyone will know how things turn out. Partydiva, Paradox, and everyone else on this thread, thanx so much for your support.
Partydiva--hang in there also. Email me if you ever wanna talk, and to you: good luck.
The One

 

[Jennika]

stay away!! If this guy can't trust you and can't get over issues from 5 yrs ago he's not going to be any good for you.
Its easier to be angry and cruel to someone and then apoligise after, than to deal with your insecurity issues and get cleanly over them. Obviously he is chosing the easy route.
take care!!