Bomb319
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2011
- Messages
- 583
Seriously...I have no control even by heroin addict standards. I seem to be completely and utterly incapable of keeping heroin around (and to a lesser extent, pills) longer than a few hours to a day at most. Even if I have already done several strong shots, and even if I absolutely know without a doubt that I've had too much and am even starting to feel a little sick with headache and nausea, I just can't leave it alone. I end up sitting around online or whatever, thinking about how I actually have it and there's enough to do at least one great shot. I try to forget it, reminding myself that I'm already as high as I'm gonna be and it won't do a thing; a total waste. This kind of thinking is intrusive, and I start to develop a great deal of anxiety about it, not knowing if/when I'm going to do it, if enough time has passed so that I get enough out of it, etc. This cycle can very easily keep up all night. Inevitably, I end up using what's left way too soon, then regret it and actually become quite depressed, knowing that I won't be able to afford it for a fairly long time.
The messed up thing about it though is that I'm currently quite happy on methadone, and when it comes to buying H I could MOSTLY take it or leave it - certainly physically. Psychologically however, my mind continues to see it as the top prize - the holy grail and a very rare treasure. It doesn't really matter that I do a shot which I actually feel quite strongly (it's good stuff) but it disappears entirely not long after that. This is around when I start going through the messed up circular obsession phase I described above. I keep doing this until its gone. Often I will even start to feel a bit sick...never severe because I'm always very careful with regard to how much I take, no matter what I feel my tolerance to be at. With the strong stuff I had and my very high methadone dose of 220 mg, I still will never do over 0.25g in one hit - NEVER if it's a new batch, even if it looks the same as the last one. Overall, I'm way better off and relaxed with just my methadone of course, but it's just still so hard to occasionally get enough money to be able to buy, have the right connect available for the good stuff, then go nuts like I did...even though it makes no sense. Anyone else have similar issues?
Also, I tend to have extreme buyers remorse afterwards, of course...having spent hundreds of dollars I can ill afford on something that did nothing but give me anxiety and is completely gone shortly after waiting all day to get it (I suppose that the "thrill of the chase" is part of the problem, and deeply ingrained in my psyche after the years of addiction and times feeling so awful and then finally getting a great fix).
EDIT: Oh yeah...another thing - because of all this, it's actually mostly a RELIEF when I run out! It's crazy.
The messed up thing about it though is that I'm currently quite happy on methadone, and when it comes to buying H I could MOSTLY take it or leave it - certainly physically. Psychologically however, my mind continues to see it as the top prize - the holy grail and a very rare treasure. It doesn't really matter that I do a shot which I actually feel quite strongly (it's good stuff) but it disappears entirely not long after that. This is around when I start going through the messed up circular obsession phase I described above. I keep doing this until its gone. Often I will even start to feel a bit sick...never severe because I'm always very careful with regard to how much I take, no matter what I feel my tolerance to be at. With the strong stuff I had and my very high methadone dose of 220 mg, I still will never do over 0.25g in one hit - NEVER if it's a new batch, even if it looks the same as the last one. Overall, I'm way better off and relaxed with just my methadone of course, but it's just still so hard to occasionally get enough money to be able to buy, have the right connect available for the good stuff, then go nuts like I did...even though it makes no sense. Anyone else have similar issues?
Also, I tend to have extreme buyers remorse afterwards, of course...having spent hundreds of dollars I can ill afford on something that did nothing but give me anxiety and is completely gone shortly after waiting all day to get it (I suppose that the "thrill of the chase" is part of the problem, and deeply ingrained in my psyche after the years of addiction and times feeling so awful and then finally getting a great fix).
EDIT: Oh yeah...another thing - because of all this, it's actually mostly a RELIEF when I run out! It's crazy.
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