where do i go from here?

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

i am totally lost right now....its been the worst month or so of my life. i have been staying good in terms of being clean and all that but the same problems ive had for so long are now becoming too much to take every day. i dont have any friends, and i am 24 and ive only ever been with 2 chicks which makes me feel bad....
i survived another suicide attempt about a month ago, the first violent one i tried, and now every day its becoming harder and harder to not try again. i caught a bullshit DUI (walking down the street, literally) back in 2016 which being my 2nd led to a suspension for 18 months and i knew deep down at the time that for me, it was going to be a death sentence, death by isolation.
i dont know where to go from here. the first chick i was with i fell totally in love for (we were together for almost 3 years, but i fucked it up) and i tried and tried and tried to clean up and get her back, but once i had cleaned up it was too late.
to this day i am still so torn up and i dont knkw what to do. the other chick i was with i met 2 years after losing the first, we lasted like 6 months and honestly i had just gotten out of the county and since she liked me i just went with it, i didnt actually love her. i left her one day out of the blue and ive never missed her.
but i dont know how i can "get over" losing the first. it hurts so bad that once i finally did fix what ruined us, she wasnt willing to give me a chance. i dont have friends and for a while she was my support system, she would talk to me on the phone when i needed to talk about how sad i really am...
we are currently not speaking as she doesnt want me to talk to her at all and i stopped trusting her with my secrets a few months ago because i was at a nightclub and i heard hurtful things being said about me to people that i dont know...
i feel worthless and unlovable, because i see life passing me by while i spend my days either at home alone or at work (i work overnight making fucking nothing at a shitty job). i dont know how to feel better. ive tried antidepressants, they didnt help and honestly, anyone would be sad if they had noone.
i am not sure how i can pull myself out because ive had suicidal thoughts for years now but lately it has been so overwhelming and i dont think i will see next year if things stay like this. does anyone have any suggestions how to make friends (ive tried work, i have no problem talking to my coworkers or people in general but noone gets together or anything..) when you are so isolated?
i dont come across as bad socially because i have legit adhd and when i am around people i dont have a problem conversating or anything...i just dont know how to do more than that. noone knows how sad i really am aside from that one person because i dont want people knowing that about me.
i just want to get to have a healthy life with people and a chick who cares...i have just become so used to not having sex that i dont have any libido anymore, its the companionship and the emotional attachment and stuff that i need.
i have been doing things i like like going to hockey games and occasionally going to shows but i go alone and i feel like i dont fit in at shows...
i am not bad looking, honestly ive never looked better than i do now, but i still feel so bad about myself and i cant convince myself anymore that i wont be alone forever.
i know its long and im sorry, i just dont know what to do. more and more i find myself wanting to try to die again so that it will all be over. the most serene feeling ive ever felt was during my 2nd attempt when i sat on the couch violently shaking, confused, profusely sweating, locked muscles, unable to see clearly feeling my brain "sparkling" (stimulant overdose) because i was sure that it was going to work and that id never have to feel so worthless and alone ever again.

 

[SamanthaB]

Hi,

Well, you sound about as miserable as someone could get I think. And, being suicidal is not good either to say the least. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you are isolated and alone. I hope those feelings are what is fueling your suicidal ideation. If not, then you REALLY need to see someone professionally to get treated for your depression. It is very hard to put yourself out there and try and meet others like yourself, but there are groups that you can get into the you can find online. The one I would recommend are the MeetUp Groups. Google that and look for the ones available in your area. They have groups for just about everything, but I think what you would be looking for is a singles group for people in their 20s. That kind of group would be comprised of singles, like yourself, and they have all kinds of activities scheduled many days a week where you would be interacting with others like yourself and doing all kinds of fun things as a group. Examples of things they do would be going to movies, going out to eat at area restaurants, potlucks, concerts, etc. They are usually $5 or so to join one for a year, plus the cost of whatever activity you would attend. You might even find other MeetUp groups that would revolve around things you are interested in like playing cards or whatever when you look at groups in your area. I hope you live in an area where they have enough people where they would have them. If not, you can get information online about how to start one.

As far as your first girlfriend, my hope would be that once you meet another woman that meets your needs, you will be able to get over the first one. If not, then you need to get some therapy to find out why you are not able to do that. However, I should say that first loves leave an indelible impression on people and you may not entirely ever get over her or that breakup, but you can learn to move on from it.

Keep in touch with us and let us know how things go for you in pursuing the above suggestions.

 

[chompy]

Hey man, as a 20 year old something, I have no clue how to adult or handle relationships and it has caused me a lot of headache and heartaches as well. I'm not being sarcastic, but how is your relationship with god or your version of it? I used to shun spirituality away until my doctor told me that I should try it out since he was about to give up on me for being another 'hopeless case'.

Also if you ever want to talk, hit us up in the irc I told you about. Theres usually someone there and if not, there are the other channels I told you about.

 

[yompf]

Yes that all sounds pretty depressing. I can relate , I think , to the isolation. It feels pretty crappy. I remember feeling alone alot , from a teen till now . I'm 31 . Ive had some good times though.
Freaking loner though , mostly , throughout life. I carved "lone" into my arm once lol . Probably only a few years ago. I know when I was around your age , I felt pretty bad about myself . Actually ... wait ... at 24 , was around when I realized , that I WASNT so bad . I was across country and made a home there , and people actually really liked me. Helped me out when I needed help. I helped them too. Through ups and downs. I stayed for a couple years , on the streets and off and never forgot my experience there. Because up until then , I hated myself for not having any friends. I felt excepted for what seemed like the first time. . I told myself , wow , maybe there isn't anything wrong with me . Maybe I'm OK.

But I'm not there anymore . I'm actually back where I started . Went back to the county I went to school in.
Desolation
I didn't quite make it to high school because of legal trouble and running away . I always thought that was a big reason my social skills weren't very developed and I didnt have any FRIENDS. I mean , seems like close friends people have are people they met in high school... Maybe not , idk.
I really want some people to hang out with. I have bad anxiety though And I'm terrible at small talk. So I feel frustrated .
If you don't mind being around people and conversation is easy for you then get out and talk to people!
Get a new job . I know I am looking for a career change.. even a new shitty job, switch it up a little.
I would totally chill with you and be your friend if we lived close. We could go on a road trip , or something and find other people to chill with . I can have my fun moments I guess..
You know I had this realization when i was 19. About suicide.. because I thought of it alot. Anyway ... I believe that killing yourself isn't an END. And a great sense of regret would envelope me if I did it . It was almost like I was being TOLD this . And I felt connected to this truth very strongly. and so believing this or that.... I just won't kill myself . Id probably be dead other wise . Mostly due to how alone ive been .
Hey , try inviting a co worker to do something ,. Like a movie or show. ?
Hockey game? Just ask . Maybe you will meet some of THEIR friends . More people. Network a little. I bet you can find a crew to chill with .

 

[pofacedhoe]

OH MY DAYS


its your night shifts

fucking listen to me now


your night shifts are making you crazy


its not that girl its not the isolation because those things you can overcome but the night shifts are fucking you up

get a job with no night shifts seriously



night shifts ruin your social life, ruin your mood, make you sit at home in the day alone trying to sleep. they are the worst thing to make you mentally unstable and depressed and you've tried to kill yourself (ALARM BELLS), leave the job, just leave it and get some daytime agency shit.


NIGHT SHIFTS are so bad for you mentally - they make you feel more lonely than anything.



also how long since u took stims MDMA included? and how much were you taking?

you need a counsellor/psych doc cos this is pretty bad