Mr. Sticky
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 24, 1999
- Messages
- 10,033
HOW TO WRITE AND SING THE BLUES
1) Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town."
3) Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes-sort of. "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds."
4) The blues are not about limitless choices, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMW's, opera, college trust funds or environmental impact statements.
5) Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, North Dakota, Marin County or Cape Cod are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8) The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a) violet
b) beige
c) mauve
d) taupe
9) You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10) Good places for the blues:
a) the highway
b) the jailhouse
c) an empty bed
Bad places:
a) ashrams
b) Gallery openings
c) weekend in the Hamptons
d) Trump Plaza
11) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12) Do you have a right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a) your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
b) you're blind
c) you shot a man in Memphis
d) you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a) you were once blind but now can see
b) you hold an elected office
c) you have a trust fund
d) your woman can be satisfied
13) Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. Kenny G cannot play the blues.
14) If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a) wine
b) Irish whiskey
c) muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a) any mixed drink
b) Any wine kosher for Passover
c) Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15) If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
Other blues ways to die include:
a) the electric chair
b) substance abuse
c) being denied treatment in a hospital emergency room.
It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16) Some blues names for women:
a) Sadie
b) Big Mama
c) Bessie
17A) Some blues names for men:
a) Joe
b) Willie
c) Little Willie
d) Lightning
e) Jr.
* Persons with names like Sequoia, Sierra, Megan, Kiira, or Kasia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B) Other blues names (Starter kit)
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b) First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c) Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie Nixon, or Syphilitic Blueberry Eisenhower(this one almost killed me...I'm talkin' a hyperventilating, falling outta the chair, gigglefest).
Hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did.
------------------
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
[This message has been edited by Mr. Sticky (edited 27 December 1999).]
1) Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town."
3) Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes-sort of. "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds."
4) The blues are not about limitless choices, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMW's, opera, college trust funds or environmental impact statements.
5) Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, North Dakota, Marin County or Cape Cod are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8) The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a) violet
b) beige
c) mauve
d) taupe
9) You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10) Good places for the blues:
a) the highway
b) the jailhouse
c) an empty bed
Bad places:
a) ashrams
b) Gallery openings
c) weekend in the Hamptons
d) Trump Plaza
11) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12) Do you have a right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a) your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
b) you're blind
c) you shot a man in Memphis
d) you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a) you were once blind but now can see
b) you hold an elected office
c) you have a trust fund
d) your woman can be satisfied
13) Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. Kenny G cannot play the blues.
14) If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a) wine
b) Irish whiskey
c) muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a) any mixed drink
b) Any wine kosher for Passover
c) Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15) If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
Other blues ways to die include:
a) the electric chair
b) substance abuse
c) being denied treatment in a hospital emergency room.
It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
16) Some blues names for women:
a) Sadie
b) Big Mama
c) Bessie
17A) Some blues names for men:
a) Joe
b) Willie
c) Little Willie
d) Lightning
e) Jr.
* Persons with names like Sequoia, Sierra, Megan, Kiira, or Kasia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B) Other blues names (Starter kit)
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b) First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c) Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie Nixon, or Syphilitic Blueberry Eisenhower(this one almost killed me...I'm talkin' a hyperventilating, falling outta the chair, gigglefest).
Hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did.
------------------
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
[This message has been edited by Mr. Sticky (edited 27 December 1999).]
