What's been happenin

[dopemegently]

I haven't posted for a long time, I was busy pretty much destroying myself with drugs. I started doing those rc's it wasn't long before I was injecting cocktails of 3+ chemicals, I was doing 150 mg of base speed every couple hours. Somewhere along the line I wound up with hep c leading to jaundice. I broke my hip in a blackout, wound up in intensive care with kidney failure and type one pulmonary oedema. I stayed up on avg 3-4 days in a row crashing for 2 days; I'm not trying to exaggerate for effect and I know how stupid my behaviour was, the whole point was self destruction. Now, I'm 31 years old, I have my health, and I haven't touched stimulants for 6 months. I'm prescribed 80 mls of methadone. I use heroin I use .1 g a night; this has to stop. This is what brings me back to blue light, I can't give into a heroin habit after what ive been through. I haven't had any yesterday or today and I feel okay no doubt thanks to the methadone. If I can get 5 days under my belt, that'll be a big thing, that'll get me past the physical symptoms

When I'm feeling less jittery and clearer in my mind I can get down to making sense of the last year and a half, I have a lot of scattered memories of the mother of all drug rampages. I don't feel as bad as the 16mg suboxone cold turkey I did, or the diazepam detox. I was on these when I had the jaundice; they didn't know it was caused by hep c so they took me off those, replacing it with 20 ml of methadone. It was hell, I wanted to die but I'm past that now. Sorry if this is rambly, I'm on a bit of a cluck. I gave my bank card to somebody I trust so I can't buy brown I need to let my body adapt. I think I just needed to put this out there. By rights I shouldn't be alive.

A large breakthrough was my Aspergers diagnosis recently. I used to think there was a magic pill out there I could take to make me interact "normally", if only I could find it...now I know that was the wrong idea.

 

[herbavore]

I'm glad to hear that you survived all the madness and are in a clearer head-space. I don't think any of us ever really feel 'normal' but it can be empowering to understand your own mind more objectively and with less emotional judgment. The fact that you got a recent diagnosis must mean you are working with a therapist or psychiatrist of some kind? Therapy is hard work and it can even take a while to find a well-trained person whose intelligence you trust--but it is worth the effort (and frustration).

Good strategy to give your card to your friend. What other kind of support do you have around you?

 

[Moreaux]

It sounds like you're getting back on track - that's great! I think realizing there is no magic pill that will fix everything is also going to be a huge turning point in your recovery. I used to think there was a pill that would fix everything and I was always on the lookout. When I finally started looking within to fix everything I finally began to make progress towards getting healthy. It's hard as the pharmaceutical companies make huge promises (and now market and advertise those promises) and the real world results are often much less effective than what we were lead to believe, or hoping for. Limiting your access to resources that would enable you to acquire substance is a very good idea. Please keep us updated on your progress.