What substances will make me feel better, both in the short term, and the long term?

[Theresalwaystomorrow]

Well I hope you guys will have some answers to my questions.

I was given this shot one time at an acute psych hospital in salt lake city.

I take medications, but honestly they DONT really help all that much, and with ALL the bullshit im dealing with at the moment, I cannot find a psych doctor really, In Arizona, that would work in depth will any of this shit. I have many psychiatric problems there is no doubt about that. I do not know what exactly they are, but I know that I don't have schizophrenia for sure, but I could possibly have bipolar disorder. Right now, I take: propranolol, Wellbutrin, Seroquel at night, doxepin at night, and buspirone. Oh and gabapentin

I have had the same problems for most of my adult life. The main ones are: very HIGH anxiety, social anxiety, I feel like I sweat WAY too much, problems with concentration and focus, testosterone problems, very irritable ALL The time, GI tract problems like diarrhea and nausea, some physical back pain, those are the main ones I can think of right now.

Whenever I go to a psychiatric hospital, they put me on the same generic meds I have taken or been given for years. They don't work. In addition, they don't ever prescribe any controlled substances, and my situation is one that needs to have controlled substances thrown at it right now. There's really no argument about that here. I need IMMEDIATE help, and I also need long term solutions as well. But help needs to be done immediately.

Because of my generally horrible experiences with psychiatrists, physicans, counselors, and anyone else within the American health care community, I like to go to any of them as little as possible. They generally are miseducated, misinformed, ignorant, and they ALWAYS throw the same medications at you as any other ones everywhere. They should be ashamed of how shitty they are at their job, I'd be embarrassed. I will go to them, and I'm sure if I ask for ANY uncontrolled substances, they'll prescribe those. Anything else, I will get in another way

I have testosterone problems, I believe because I have been on Anabolic steroids since maybe 20 years old, and I will continue to be on them for the rest of my life. Only reason I have hormonal problems, is because the USA legal system likes to throw people in jail for STUPID things that are inconsequential, and I wasn't allowed to post cycle right once or twice.

I buy my Anabolic steroids from online sources. They have stuff like arimidex, cabergolin, anything to do with hormones, is at my disposal. So please take into account that I can get my hands on ANY substance that has to do with hormones. I'm not gonna go to an endocrinologist, the last 3 I went to, back when I was around 20 years old and my dad was willing to pay for that stuff, all of em were a HUGE waste of money and mostly didn't know as much as I did for things that had to do with me. They are part of the American healthcare system, a heavily flawed and useless system. So they can go fuck themselves, I'll play doctor to myself, and I have bodybuilding pictures and an athletic career that got me through college to show that I KNOW better than them. Right now, I'm on testosterone cypionate, 200 mg injection 1x a week. I have hcg and more test enanthate ordered, should be here any day now.

Other than those two sources to get whatever substances from, I obviously have the black market, in person drug dealers. Only substances I buy from there are heroin and meth, maybe some Xanax sometimes. I don't trust the lot of these idiots, but I have a very trustworthy and reputable source, that sells heroin and meth.

And after all that, I can also go try that deep web, or dark web, whatever the hell it's called, a lot of people say they can get anything from there.

I have a lot of money to use as resources, I have a good job and money saved. But I WILL not waste money on inconsequential or harmful items. So please, can someone tell me what substances I need to buy, and I'll get it somehow. thank you for your time and help

 

[Theresalwaystomorrow]

Also...

When I was in college, everybody didn't like that I was taking so many benzos, and I also took SOME opiod pain pills and amphetamine ADHD medications, and I also drank a good amount. But I was having fun in life for the most part, life was good.

I tried being sober and doing life at all. I really have tried life sober, on and off, for many years. Right now, at this point in my life, with as many physical health problems and chemical imbalances that I have, that would NEVER work. It's kinda like having the flu, all the goddamn time. It just does not work, and I wish I could explain in words how bad I generally feel, but I really can't. I feel like shit though.

And now, people are so worried about me doing hard drugs. Except, the days when I take them, everybody is fine withe on those days. It's only the days I don't take them, where people see things as a problem. So I mean, if people really want, I could just sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life. Does that sound alright? Well, it's not alright to me, and if it sounds okay to you, then you really are not a logical person.

 

[ChivaKing86]

Did you ever think that your high anxiety, trouble concentrating, etc. is due to some of the drugs you’ve taken? Or is there no way it has anything to do with those? Benzos are the best for short term anxiety, hands down. Personally, I love the benzo/opiate combo but that comes with increased overdose risk. Have you tried adderal or methylphenidate (Ritalin)? You said you’ve done meth right, that’s quite bad for you long term. Like anything, it’s all about moderation, so if you’ve found what works for you short/long term then just space out your use. Hope that helped some. Sorry I couldn’t give you more advice, it’s really individualized when it comes to what works for you.

 

[ac360]

I've been in a psych ward once although I've only been put on the same medication twice when I requested it. I guess things are different up here thankfully. Here's what's worked for me

Anxiety - SSRI + benzo or gabapentin
Focus - ADHD meds (Adderall, Ritalin and Vyvanse all work for me)
I have bad irritability too and the SSRI + benzo + stim combo fixed that right away.

 

[Vastness]

I was gonna ask about your diet and exercise habits but you say you are a bodybuilder so presumably you are in reasonably good physical health and have some awareness of the importance of these things.

I don't know too much about the PEDs you're taking so I'll refrain from giving any specific advice on that but I would suggest you don't discount the idea of going to an endocrinologist so quickly. Just because you've had a few bad experiences doesn't mean they're all bad, and there are for sure some of them who would have expertise in substance oriented performance enhancement and would probably know better than you, a person who, presumably, does not have a medical background. As I'm sure you know it's not impossible that you could really fuck yourself up long term while messing with your hormones. To me it seems highly likely these are a contributing factor to your current mental state.

As for the other substances, you probably already know these are not sustainable long term in most people, I'm not a doctor (although you don't trust doctor's anyway right ) and everyone is different, but any solution you are looking for that involves taking increasing doses of powerful sedatives and stimulants is just going further down a road that is going to be harder and harder to get off.

And now, people are so worried about me doing hard drugs. Except, the days when I take them, everybody is fine withe on those days. It's only the days I don't take them, where people see things as a problem. So I mean, if people really want, I could just sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life. Does that sound alright? Well, it's not alright to me, and if it sounds okay to you, then you really are not a logical person.

As much as I dislike the terms "hard" and "soft" when it comes to substances, most "hard" drugs have limited therapeutic potential in the long term... by which I mean, again, if you're taking them just to be able to cope with everyday life, it's never going to get any easier without them, and the overwhelming likelihood is that whatever problems drove you to need these substances in the first place are going to stay unresolved and keep finding ways to re-emerge, leading you to take more "hard" drugs, increased tolerance, feeling even worse without them, etc, etc...

I know everyone wants a quick fix but there really isn't one that's going to do you any favours in the long term. I'm sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience with psychiatric doctors also, but again, I would urge you not to write off the entire profession just on the basis of your bad experiences so far. It is true, the support system for people with mental health issues in America and in fact most of the world is pretty dire right now, but as hard as it is to keep trying different doctors and different avenues to get some help, for most people it's even harder to overcome these kind of issues with no help at all.

I really don't like giving substance oriented advice in response to these kind of posts because often the answer is NOT substances, but on the basis that right now the idea of taking nothing at all is probably ludicrous to you (and I do understand that feeling to some extent, in all honesty) I would advise that what you want to do is move AWAY from the harder stuff.

SSRIs are fine if they help, but you want to keep away from benzodiazepines, most amphetamines, and opiates. Gabapentinoids are pretty borderline, but probably OK for the moment given your other issues. Definitely stay away from methamphetamine, if you absolutely need a prescribed amphetamine for focus then plenty of people do take these long term, but maybe look into something a bit more sustainable like modafinil.

Also, goes without saying but look into taking up some kind of meditation practice, don't expect immediate results and go into it with an open mind. Make sure you are cultivating positive mental habits and indulging in intellectually stimulating activities on a regular basis. And again, please keep trying to find an endocrinologist or a doctor that you can work with, the potential rewards are worth the suffering in the short term, but no matter how you go about things there will be some suffering in the short term. Best of luck to you.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Well I hope you guys will have some answers to my questions.

I was given this shot one time at an acute psych hospital in salt lake city.

I take medications, but honestly they DONT really help all that much, and with ALL the bullshit im dealing with at the moment, I cannot find a psych doctor really, In Arizona, that would work in depth will any of this shit. I have many psychiatric problems there is no doubt about that. I do not know what exactly they are, but I know that I don't have schizophrenia for sure, but I could possibly have bipolar disorder. Right now, I take: propranolol, Wellbutrin, Seroquel at night, doxepin at night, and buspirone. Oh and gabapentin

I have had the same problems for most of my adult life. The main ones are: very HIGH anxiety, social anxiety, I feel like I sweat WAY too much, problems with concentration and focus, testosterone problems, very irritable ALL The time, GI tract problems like diarrhea and nausea, some physical back pain, those are the main ones I can think of right now.

Whenever I go to a psychiatric hospital, they put me on the same generic meds I have taken or been given for years. They don't work. In addition, they don't ever prescribe any controlled substances, and my situation is one that needs to have controlled substances thrown at it right now. There's really no argument about that here. I need IMMEDIATE help, and I also need long term solutions as well. But help needs to be done immediately.

Because of my generally horrible experiences with psychiatrists, physicans, counselors, and anyone else within the American health care community, I like to go to any of them as little as possible. They generally are miseducated, misinformed, ignorant, and they ALWAYS throw the same medications at you as any other ones everywhere. They should be ashamed of how shitty they are at their job, I'd be embarrassed. I will go to them, and I'm sure if I ask for ANY uncontrolled substances, they'll prescribe those. Anything else, I will get in another way

I have testosterone problems, I believe because I have been on Anabolic steroids since maybe 20 years old, and I will continue to be on them for the rest of my life. Only reason I have hormonal problems, is because the USA legal system likes to throw people in jail for STUPID things that are inconsequential, and I wasn't allowed to post cycle right once or twice.

I buy my Anabolic steroids from online sources. They have stuff like arimidex, cabergolin, anything to do with hormones, is at my disposal. So please take into account that I can get my hands on ANY substance that has to do with hormones. I'm not gonna go to an endocrinologist, the last 3 I went to, back when I was around 20 years old and my dad was willing to pay for that stuff, all of em were a HUGE waste of money and mostly didn't know as much as I did for things that had to do with me. They are part of the American healthcare system, a heavily flawed and useless system. So they can go fuck themselves, I'll play doctor to myself, and I have bodybuilding pictures and an athletic career that got me through college to show that I KNOW better than them. Right now, I'm on testosterone cypionate, 200 mg injection 1x a week. I have hcg and more test enanthate ordered, should be here any day now.

Other than those two sources to get whatever substances from, I obviously have the black market, in person drug dealers. Only substances I buy from there are heroin and meth, maybe some Xanax sometimes. I don't trust the lot of these idiots, but I have a very trustworthy and reputable source, that sells heroin and meth.

And after all that, I can also go try that deep web, or dark web, whatever the hell it's called, a lot of people say they can get anything from there.

I have a lot of money to use as resources, I have a good job and money saved. But I WILL not waste money on inconsequential or harmful items. So please, can someone tell me what substances I need to buy, and I'll get it somehow. thank you for your time and help

Sounds like a benzodiazepine would do wonders for you. You can pretty much take your pick on the dark web. Xanax and Diazepam are both excellent

 

[Chris42393]

Sounds like you have a little depression and anxiety. Id try Ketamine for an anti-depressant. I took it for like 4-5 weeks and I was like a new person. I took 25mg twice a week and never felt so good. Depression/anxiety went completely away. SSRI's take MONTHS to work, but ketamine worked the first day for me. After the 5 weeks, I stopped taking it and have been good for several years after. Typically "real" treatments cost anywhere from $400-800 dollars in a hospital/doctors office setting (for each treatment). Thankfully I was able to get Pharma grade IV/IM ketamine and was able to treat myself. Saved me a shit ton of money. I DEFINITELY recommend trying it. It can literally change your life. Watch some videos on youtube about it.

Id stay away from opiates/benzo's. This can lead to addiction and cause a life of troubles (and horrible WDs). I know from experience.

BTW Id stay away from certain online markets. One is currently doing an exit scam right now and is taking everyone's money. Id do some research on which one it is. Be careful.

Mod Edit:
If you want to know... <snip> . Sourcing through BL in any form is against the rules

 

[Vastness]

I took 25mg twice a week and never felt so good.

I must say, speaking as someone who likes the effects of much larger doses of ketamine, I think this kind of dosing requires an impressive degree of self control... Good to hear it worked well for you though.

 

[sekio]

very HIGH anxiety, social anxiety, I feel like I sweat WAY too much, problems with concentration and focus, [..] very irritable ALL The time, GI tract problems like diarrhea and nausea, some physical back pain

these are all side effects of testosterone overuse... seems to me the simple solution is greatly reducing/discontinuing AAS usage

using benzodiazepines for anything other than acute, temporary anxiety is not a bright plan... everyone i know who attempted to use benzos long term for anxiety ended up waking up one day finding themselves dependent on benzodiazepines and also finding they no longer fixed the anxiety.

if you're expecting to find a "doctor feelgood" type who throws a bunch of abusable depressants/stimulants in cocktail, you're dreaming, and moreover you should realize that more pharmaceuticals in your system is rarely if ever a solution for problems induced by pharmacy in the 1st place.

 

[Byrdman]

To prevent drug addiction and tolerance, yet treat the symptoms of illness, you'll need to develop a 7-10 day cycle of drugs from different families. You should never take the same type of drug more than once a week because your body will adapt. Drugs should always be effective in low doses. If you have to raise dose, than your body is adapting and youve taken the drug too often. For instance, if you wanted to treat insomnia effectively without becoming addicted you could use barbituate on sunday, benzoziazapine on monday, antihistamine tuesday, muscle relaxant wednesday, meprobate thursday, seroquel (atypical psychotic) friday, ramelteon on saturday. This cycle can be repeated indefinitely without the need to ever increase dosage. Of course tyrannical drug laws make obtaining the needed drugs difficult and risky. And Pharma spends millions hiding these cycles from the public because they dont cause addiction. you can stop the cycle at any time without suffering withrawal

 

[Nicomorphinist]

For instance, if you wanted to treat insomnia effectively without becoming addicted you could use barbituate on sunday, benzoziazapine on monday, antihistamine tuesday, muscle relaxant wednesday, meprobate thursday, seroquel (atypical psychotic) friday, ramelteon on saturday

That is brilliant -- I will certainly try that the next time I feel a nuit blanche coming on, as they tend to come in threes for me for some reason.

I am aware of difenoxin (and not diphenoxylate nor loperamide for some reason) as well as trihexypheindyl and other Big 16 anticholinergics being used to combat excessive sweating, which of course could be caused by the testosterone and maybe taking a break could cure it by itself?

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

I have alternated between Clonazepam and Phenobarbital on a weekly basis and it worked really well to stop dependence on one or the other and help reduce tolerance building. Having said that, if I tried to take NEITHER I would have horrendous anxiety as well as tremors, nausea and sweating and tachycardia.

 

[chicken hoagie]

To prevent drug addiction and tolerance, yet treat the symptoms of illness, you'll need to develop a 7-10 day cycle of drugs from different families. You should never take the same type of drug more than once a week because your body will adapt. Drugs should always be effective in low doses. If you have to raise dose, than your body is adapting and youve taken the drug too often. For instance, if you wanted to treat insomnia effectively without becoming addicted you could use barbituate on sunday, benzoziazapine on monday, antihistamine tuesday, muscle relaxant wednesday, meprobate thursday, seroquel (atypical psychotic) friday, ramelteon on saturday. This cycle can be repeated indefinitely without the need to ever increase dosage. Of course tyrannical drug laws make obtaining the needed drugs difficult and risky. And Pharma spends millions hiding these cycles from the public because they dont cause addiction. you can stop the cycle at any time without suffering withrawal

That really is a brilliant strategy..its unfortunate that people cant have readily available access to these drugs. For those of us who are pharmacology savvy, this would be a huge benefit to our quality of life.

BUT by the same token, for those of us that are polydrug abusers, this could also pose a problem if self-control is not applied.

 

[Theresalwaystomorrow]

Did you ever think that your high anxiety, trouble concentrating, etc. is due to some of the drugs you’ve taken? Or is there no way it has anything to do with those? Benzos are the best for short term anxiety, hands down. Personally, I love the benzo/opiate combo but that comes with increased overdose risk. Have you tried adderal or methylphenidate (Ritalin)? You said you’ve done meth right, that’s quite bad for you long term. Like anything, it’s all about moderation, so if you’ve found what works for you short/long term then just space out your use. Hope that helped some. Sorry I couldn’t give you more advice, it’s really individualized when it comes to what works for you.

I haven't taken a benzo in maybe over a year. I haven't been living in situations or environments where i am capable of taking a couple Xanax bars and trusting who I'm with or around or living in an area where good people hang out. But, at the same time, i am NOT living in a situation that is CONSIDERABLY better and in a middle class part of town at the least, I know I could probably walk outside in the part of town I'm living in and there's a 90+% chance someone would just make sure I got home with my wallet keys and cell phone most likely. Actually, in most of AZ, you have more to worry about with the police arresting you for stupid stuff, than you do about people messing with you if you're walking around very high/drunk. Most of the people in PHX seem to stay to themselves or their crew or whatever they have, save for the "skid row" parts of the city, but every somewhat large city has one of those places.

these are all side effects of testosterone overuse... seems to me the simple solution is greatly reducing/discontinuing AAS usage

using benzodiazepines for anything other than acute, temporary anxiety is not a bright plan... everyone i know who attempted to use benzos long term for anxiety ended up waking up one day finding themselves dependent on benzodiazepines and also finding they no longer fixed the anxiety.

if you're expecting to find a "doctor feelgood" type who throws a bunch of abusable depressants/stimulants in cocktail, you're dreaming, and moreover you should realize that more pharmaceuticals in your system is rarely if ever a solution for problems induced by pharmacy in the 1st place.

If I do not take testerosterone, or do something to "reactivate" my testes into making testosterone naturally again. I've sat here with borderline low testosterone for 2 1/2 years, watched myself gain some fat and mostly lose muscle, my sex drive is very low, I mean all the symptoms were there, and when I got bloods done, ofc I was right, usually am. I've been on and off of AAS since 20 years old, like I said, I was playing college football at a d1a uni on scholarship, and I planned on honestly playing my whole football career on em, and then get into possibly...idk powerlifting after college was done, honestly I was a pretty decent MMA fighter too.
I had big aspirations and I was going for broke with decisions like that. I know what stuff like hcg and clomid, arimidex, and just the whole lot of it, I was determined to be the best athlete I could possibly be. No dieting like that IS NOT good for your gi system. No taking hormones at that young an age is neither good for you, nor a good idea. I didn't care back then, I was so set on being an elite college athlete (played rugby too, for what it matters) that I was literally doing things that were considered insanity. Easily. When I tell people the stuff I did and how fucked off my mind worked back then, people tell my those were illogical, insane, and maybe psychotic decisions. It's not that I did HORRIBLE things, but it's that I did things that didn't make sense back then, it was harmful to my life and goals as well as everyone I cared about really. I was raised in a very abusive way, but probably not in the traditionally abusive sense. I had zero siblings, had huge troubles iwth making friends in the generally unfriendly city of Las Vegas, and as far as I'm concerned, Both of my parents (that divorced when I was 2 and had dual custody) have considerable amount of mental illness. But they were always able to function at a very high level, both very smart, and civilized and all that, but anyone that has spent maybe even just one week living with either one will definitely say there's something misfiring up there. But they aren't harmful to society, they contribute actually very much, they have disorders I think that are considered "social": neither one of em had many, ans somtime's ANY, friends in their life. I was also shuttled around between family in different states, probably would've been best if i stayed with them. Idk how else to explain my parents or family and how I was raised and whatever. And I mean, i know EVERYbody kn the world's childhood sucked, but just think about what I said: I grew up with two parents, that divorced and refused to have contact at all with each other, and i stayed with either one or the other at a time, only child, could hardly make friends honestly growing up, either of them generally didn't have many friends over (there were a select few), and instead of taking me to another state (or country: Germany) so that i could least grow up around extended family, they fought and made sure I grew up in a place that people are known for being pieces of shit there. I don't really think it was Las Vegas tho, I just believe I was a kid that couldn't socialize or make friends very well. But I made like halfass friends playing on football and basketball and track and whatever else teams I was on, I loved sports. Also, I found it easier and more sexually interesting (obviously) for me to just hang out with girls my age growing up, I started really hating other boys or men or whatever. Always felt like, cuz I was always one of the bigger and most athletic boys, that every other male was just someone I had to beat in everything to be good enough. Idk if anyone will read that, but it might explain some shit better than idk talking about my feelings does. I feel like shit 24/7/365, except for rare occasions, where sometimes I maybe wake up and feel like life might be livable someday. I'm not a person that can't handle pain of any type but man, I don't think that people that have the most hateful of hearts ever really get as dark as it gets in here. It's like the end of 1 mile deep excavation tunnel, dark.

 

[Vastness]

Do you think you've had the most difficult life out of anybody in the world?

I guarantee, everyone who has struggled with any sort of mental illness has had the exact same thoughts that you have just written down, right down to the "I guess my childhood wasn't as bad as some" ("abusive in the traditional sense", as you put it) BUT "here's why it was actually especially fucked up!" You seem like you have some awareness of the fact that what you are saying is not unique, but have not followed this awareness to it's logical conclusion.

It's impossible to know the struggle of anyone else's life unless you lived it, so it doesn't make any sense to talk of your struggle in relative terms (ie, "people just don't understand what I've been through!"). This applies in the other direction too, of course - it makes no sense to pass judgement on anyone else's lack of ability to deal with their own struggle, because it's impossible to know exactly how hard it is to them.

On that basis of course, I would not dispute for a moment the reality of your own struggle. That said, I think someone born with no arms or legs, or into a third world slum, would probably look at your life and wonder what exactly you had to complain about. Suffering, to some extent, is relative however, and please don't take this as a criticism. But evidence suggests that your own situation is not unique, and the circumstances that lead you to your current predicament are not entirely relevant to the options available to you now.

 

[Theresalwaystomorrow]

I was gonna ask about your diet and exercise habits but you say you are a bodybuilder so presumably you are in reasonably good physical health and have some awareness of the importance of these things.

I don't know too much about the PEDs you're taking so I'll refrain from giving any specific advice on that but I would suggest you don't discount the idea of going to an endocrinologist so quickly. Just because you've had a few bad experiences doesn't mean they're all bad, and there are for sure some of them who would have expertise in substance oriented performance enhancement and would probably know better than you, a person who, presumably, does not have a medical background. As I'm sure you know it's not impossible that you could really fuck yourself up long term while messing with your hormones. To me it seems highly likely these are a contributing factor to your current mental state.

As for the other substances, you probably already know these are not sustainable long term in most people, I'm not a doctor (although you don't trust doctor's anyway right ) and everyone is different, but any solution you are looking for that involves taking increasing doses of powerful sedatives and stimulants is just going further down a road that is going to be harder and harder to get off.


As much as I dislike the terms "hard" and "soft" when it comes to substances, most "hard" drugs have limited therapeutic potential in the long term... by which I mean, again, if you're taking them just to be able to cope with everyday life, it's never going to get any easier without them, and the overwhelming likelihood is that whatever problems drove you to need these substances in the first place are going to stay unresolved and keep finding ways to re-emerge, leading you to take more "hard" drugs, increased tolerance, feeling even worse without them, etc, etc...

I know everyone wants a quick fix but there really isn't one that's going to do you any favours in the long term. I'm sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience with psychiatric doctors also, but again, I would urge you not to write off the entire profession just on the basis of your bad experiences so far. It is true, the support system for people with mental health issues in America and in fact most of the world is pretty dire right now, but as hard as it is to keep trying different doctors and different avenues to get some help, for most people it's even harder to overcome these kind of issues with no help at all.

I really don't like giving substance oriented advice in response to these kind of posts because often the answer is NOT substances, but on the basis that right now the idea of taking nothing at all is probably ludicrous to you (and I do understand that feeling to some extent, in all honesty) I would advise that what you want to do is move AWAY from the harder stuff.

SSRIs are fine if they help, but you want to keep away from benzodiazepines, most amphetamines, and opiates. Gabapentinoids are pretty borderline, but probably OK for the moment given your other issues. Definitely stay away from methamphetamine, if you absolutely need a prescribed amphetamine for focus then plenty of people do take these long term, but maybe look into something a bit more sustainable like modafinil.

Also, goes without saying but look into taking up some kind of meditation practice, don't expect immediate results and go into it with an open mind. Make sure you are cultivating positive mental habits and indulging in intellectually stimulating activities on a regular basis. And again, please keep trying to find an endocrinologist or a doctor that you can work with, the potential rewards are worth the suffering in the short term, but no matter how you go about things there will be some suffering in the short term. Best of luck to you.

Those ssri antidepressants, every time I've taken them, I've toughed out the bullshit they made me feel for a month or more for each, and either stopped or went to the ER one time. I rememer I started taking Zoloft, and man I started shaking a lot like someone w/ding from alcohol, I was sweating too much, was sober, other than some beer sometimes, and I went maybe two weeks of no sleep to end it all, gave me pretty bad diarrhea and give tract issues, worst anxiety I've ever felt bar-none period, I mean now that I've taken meth quite a bit, it was like the worst meth comedown you ever have, with no other drugs or pills to make anything any better. Additionally, it was the summer in California at the time, and i was in a horrible living situations. Worst month of my life maybe. I ended it all by calling a paramedic , telling em I was going through w/D's from benzos (wasn't, hadn't taken any benzos for maybe a mknth) but I told the doc or nurse or whoever it was, I was so out of it I couldn't tell you what he was, that I needed some valium to stop me from dying pretty much, and cu northern California is way more worried about helping people and making sure they survive at least, instead of being like most health care providers nowadays and letting people with insurance go through the worst of hell's to make sure they don't get a goddamn controlled substance ever no matter what, he gave me, I think like 12 10mg Valiums, or a script, and i took uber to the wal mart....got the script, took the bottle outside and ate all of em at once, fuckin took Uber baxk home, walked into my mom/stepdads living room, laid on the couch, and went to sleep for 15 hours, for my first sleep in over 2 weeks by my calculations. Then i was woken up by a new pair of paramedics, because my mom and whoever else decided to call em because they thought i "overdosed" cuz i took so many and was asleep for so long. Why the fuck would you waste their time like that, they had to have seen me breathing, just try waking me up? Lol I don't get how people are always so stupid, I'd had no overdoses or anything that even could make slip by as one then, never even had shot anything yet, if you would've handed me some heroin or some meth at that time, id have probably just tried to eat a chunk of it, like a pill lol And I was on NOTHING other than Zoloft, gabapentin, and I was drinking some at night sometimes, mostly cuz back then, for some dumbass reason, I believed this theory that alcohol is a downer and works on the same receptors as benzos right? So in theory, should put you to sleep like benzos do. Lol, I've realuzed a long time ago that alcohol doesn't make me sleep if I just drink it alone and nothing else, alcohol is complete trash tbh, only good to drink when u took other substances, especially downers and wanna Make them more potent. Idk why, but i drink just BARELY a little alcohol after taking a good dose of benzos (my benzo tolerance is SKY high, so maybe 4 2mg Xanax), you'll black out, an for me, I either do stupid shit and lose a lot, or you're having fun around friends. But yeah, only thing alcohol ever helped me with is getting dehydrated over various points at my life, screwing up my already bad GI tract, or I mean, just having a couple drinks with maybe girls or whatever, just to show out, I mean as long as I took 100ng of valium, maybe a Soma or 5 and a line of speed beforehand that they probably don't know about lol

 

[Theresalwaystomorrow]

Oh man....half the fuckin page I typed, it seems, was just somehow written over each other. I meant to say that, my childhood was different and the abuse was different. I had two parents that themselves could not really make friends, I mean their own families don't especially want either of them around tbh. Both of them have a serious enough nental illness, to where most everyone spending any wualiry time around them knows there's something they've got that most people dont have. And my mom is an alcoholic, but that was never her problem: my moms problem is that she has some very severe mental conditions that have gone, for 95% of her life i think, 100% untreated. And nobody wants to be around her because, she's just not tolerable to be around.
And my dad is tolerable to be around, and I lived with him half the time when i was real young. But the man didnt teach me a goddamn thing, and when I say nit a goddamn thing, I mean it. I was taught to wile my ass in a county jail in caliofrnia. Seriously. So my mom was too mentally I'll to teach me anything or help anyone else out other than herself, and my dad just didn't teach me anything ever, and never really parented. And what do u get? A fucking 25 year old male that doesn't know how to do shit in life except a select number of things I somehow managed to wrap my head around through the years. Like, there is abuse, and then there is totally isolating a kid, giving him no siblings, not letting him make real friends nor showing him how, and then to top it off, yiu either show that kid no attention or aggressive Abusive attention. Ifa not the fuckin physical abuse shit that sticks with you, it's the mental emotional bullshit

 

[Vastness]

Ifa not the fuckin physical abuse shit that sticks with you, it's the mental emotional bullshit

I think that many people who have been physically abused might beg to differ... not that they would necessarily be any more right than you are, which is my point.

I'm sure you have suffered, but so has almost everyone alive. Yes, some to a greater or lesser degree, and perhaps it is the case that your own unique genetic chemistry and particularly unique set of circumstances just made it so that your own struggle has been so great that there is just no hope for you to ever feel normal by any route that doesn't involve continuing to take large doses of powerful narcotics to numb your feelings, such is the extent of the psychological damage inflicted on you growing up. I mean, it's possible, in some sense of the word, but somewhat unlikely, wouldn't you agree?

 

[GoingtheDistance]

I've had too many different med's in my system at the same time as well. That's when I felt my best. I couldn't believe I could get a pharmaceutical speed ball for just a couple co-pays. Man, I believed I was in heaven and I never wanted it to end!! Unfortunately, or fortunately for longevity sake, I was pulled off just about every med one by one. After tons of time and money chasing that special feeling, I couldn't get back to it. Even at the high cost of being short of breath, it wasn't happening anymore. Long story short, I'm down to using Ambien or Seroquil (depending on how I feel) and Clonidine. I still have tons of Gabapentin left over which I've tapered off as well. I have Adderall short release and the XR's out of my system, as they don't show up on my monthly urine screening anymore. Smoking a mary jane nightly has helped.......so I added one. Oh well. I got it in Las Vegas where it is legal and brought it to VA. For some reason, my shrink is ok with that.
I'm looking forward to hearing more.

 

[Zonxx]

Also...

When I was in college, everybody didn't like that I was taking so many benzos, and I also took SOME opiod pain pills and amphetamine ADHD medications, and I also drank a good amount. But I was having fun in life for the most part, life was good.

I tried being sober and doing life at all. I really have tried life sober, on and off, for many years. Right now, at this point in my life, with as many physical health problems and chemical imbalances that I have, that would NEVER work. It's kinda like having the flu, all the goddamn time. It just does not work, and I wish I could explain in words how bad I generally feel, but I really can't. I feel like shit though.

And now, people are so worried about me doing hard drugs. Except, the days when I take them, everybody is fine withe on those days. It's only the days I don't take them, where people see things as a problem. So I mean, if people really want, I could just sit around and do nothing for the rest of my life. Does that sound alright? Well, it's not alright to me, and if it sounds okay to you, then you really are not a logical person.

Man can i give this a +1 ^^ fuck people worrying as long as you believe youre in the safe zone, who are they to stick their noses into your substance use, as far as im concerned as we all use drugs we all get different baselines which make us normal, whether it be coke, heroin, opiate pills, stims, the important thing is to try to maintain a safe zone of use for your tolerance and yeah sure hard drugs are ' hard' but hey if i can smoke 20 grams of coke and take 100's of mgs of opiates and maintain a mostly healthy lifestyle and physical health why cant everyone

I dont have a suggestion for drugs to take, i mean hey, cocaine will make you feel better but as you have high anxiety it may worsen it in the long term, opiates arent necessarily what id reccomend because withdrawal is hell, but a moderate speedball may be somthing to look into be it amphetamines or coke with a low dose benzo, but this isnt a suggestion just a throw out idea as the drug combo to make you better, youll find on your own trust me with that, one day youll wake up and know what to take during your day
My normal day consists of waking up taking opiates, and if my day is gonna be a working active day deciding on amphetamine vs coke and going from there, everyones different