What made you decide to "clean up your act"?

[MoreFeens4Morphine]

For the last few years I've always had suicidal ideations but I've never really followed through with them. I lived to get high and got high to live. I'm the kind of person where if I don't have my morphine xanax and other drugs I'm not motivated to do anything. I sit in bed all day. When I take my drugs I can go out and be a normal functioning person and I hardly even get "high" anymore - it's just maintenance at this point.

The other day I took 15mg xanax, 4 pounds of PST and 200mg of hydroxyzine in an attempted suicide. I just fell asleep and I think I'm starting to realize at this point this is no way to live.

I just need to hear some stories of what the final turning point was for you guys to clean up your act so to speak. I know I should seek professional help but my insurance is garbage and one doctors visit costs me hundreds of dollars and I'm already thousands and thousands of dollars in debt between other medical bills and student loans. I just don't know what to do and as cheesy as it sounds I'm crying out for help with the attempted suicide and all the talk of not wanting to be alive anymore.

I have no clue what to do or how to even get a jump start on trying to not need drugs to be my motivation.

I know I'm not well known in this community but I've been lurking and posting here and there for years and I highly value your guys' opinions. What are your suggestions?

I also want to make it clear I once was physically addicted to alcohol but I am no longer physically addicted to anything surprisingly. I just have this thing in my head where if I'm sober I hate life and hate everyone around me and have no interest in even being alive.

Thanks
-MF4M

 

[PaulyPointz]

I know what you mean. I had a bad experience injecting a half gram of desoxypipradrol in a suicide attempt. It just made me crazy for a few days. I quit my job, quit school, got sent to the psych ward and then to a detox which cost me 600 bucks. I'll call that my bottom, That was three weeks ago and I've been clean since with no real depression, though my mood does get negative sometimes. I can identify with what you said about drugs being your only motivator, your only joy. For me the obsession to use has been somewhat lifted, it's just a nagging voice in the back of my head now, with no real power. I'll give you my advice. Get in community, compulsion largely dissolves in community in my experience. Find a community of like minded people in your city and hang out with them. Try to get one day, two days, keep hanging out. Get a list of phone numbers and text the people every day and let them know how you are doing. What happens is when you feel low you will invariably get a text back that will pull you out of the obsession. So far that has worked for me. Life is bigger than drugs and your life is bigger than drugs. Don't try to fight it with shear resolve, the addiction will only gain strength. Just flow with the cravings as they come, but keep yourself away from access to drugs. Delete your hookups, they are not your friends. Where can you find community? Well I do NA, but you can find community in other places if 12 step grosses you out. I used to hate NA meetings and now I love them. As you find grounding in your community of like minded people, your motivation will switch from drugs to helping others. Relationships with other people are the meaning of life. Drugs are an artificial approximation of that, they stimulate you then go away so all your left with is grief and you lay in bed all day. Okay enough rambling. Get into a community, find your tribe and you will be saved, at least it's working for me.

 

[herbavore]

I'll give you my advice. Get in community, compulsion largely dissolves in community in my experience. Find a community of like minded people in your city and hang out with them. Try to get one day, two days, keep hanging out. Get a list of phone numbers and text the people every day and let them know how you are doing. What happens is when you feel low you will invariably get a text back that will pull you out of the obsession. So far that has worked for me. Life is bigger than drugs and your life is bigger than drugs. Don't try to fight it with shear resolve, the addiction will only gain strength. Just flow with the cravings as they come, but keep yourself away from access to drugs. Delete your hookups, they are not your friends. Where can you find community? Well I do NA, but you can find community in other places if 12 step grosses you out. I used to hate NA meetings and now I love them. As you find grounding in your community of like minded people, your motivation will switch from drugs to helping others. Relationships with other people are the meaning of life. Drugs are an artificial approximation of that, they stimulate you then go away so all your left with is grief and you lay in bed all day.

Fantastic advice.

There is something else that you can do as well and it complements the above advice: get to know yourself in a different way. Most of us are running from ourselves or what we think of as "selves". But remember yourself as a really really young child? Your awareness was turned outward and the world was infinitely intriguing. Over time we learn to become self-obsessed, but not in a good way. Mostly we take on the role of prosecutor, judge and jury in our own minds. Worst case scenario is that we become executioner as well. Just as you learned to do this self-defeating stuff in your head, you can unlearn it. There are many tools you can use--mindfulness practice, spirituality as you understand it, art or a creative outlet, risk-taking (from just pushing the mental envelope to pushing the physical limitations of the human body). Find out why your life is not engaging enough to sustain you and go about taking steps to repair it. Suicide attempts are a sure sign that the authentic you wants the societal you to get off his neck.

 

[cyberius]

I just grew up I guess. I want a hot girlfriend, a house, my own little crop of land.