I?m sorry, I could not read 100% of everything but I read most of everything, especially the first reply. Yes I have seen the light and rath of god. I have felt ?being in the presence of God ? and all IV wanted is being in the presence after I lost it but I don?t know how too. I?m so screwed up no one can understand... I really wanna kill musself but I know I won?t ever be able to do it, so I turn to drugs...
I also got clean by coming to Christ. It was my absolute last option after everything else failed but the only one that worked. My addiction (and first rehab visit!) started at 12, and by the time I was 24 I had been to over 14 rehab, psychologists, jail, doctors, psych wards, AA/NA, tried therapy and self control and none of it worked- even after I lost my kids, was facing 10 years in prison, turned to a life of crime, found my boyfriend's body hanging from the rafters in our basement after a binge, lost all my friends and family and ended up homeless- it still wasn't enough to stop. Not on my own.
Addiction truly is a spiritual problem. We our powerless to try and overcome it ourselves. Only God can do it. The thing is that the more we use, the more we let the demonic take over (there is actually a spirit called Pharmakia- which is where we get our word pharmacy from, but it's basically the spirit of drugs), which causes us to do things in our addiction that make us ashamed and feel guilty and dirty and the enemy uses that to lie to us and tell us that we are NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO COME TO JESUS and that he would want nothing to do with us, which makes us more ashamed and we use more and push God farther away.
Jesus came for SINNERS. Addicts, murders, thieves, prostitutes- not this religious crap that we have in America that makes us believe we have to be good people to "earn" Jesus. No one is good- he makes us good- and no one can earn it. The church likes to have "supersins" where they make certain sins seem horrible (drug addiction, abortion, homosexuality ECT) and others are socially acceptable (gossip, cheating on your taxes, gluttony). All are the same to God, and all are forgivable. We have to come to that conclusion first- that God could possibly love us and forgive us as messed up as we are- before we can truly seek him and be set free from addiction. Never in the bible did Jesus hang out with the religious church people. He hung out with the worst of the worst. That's who he came for, not people who think they are good on their own. Sinners know they need him, because they know how bad they are.
I cried out to God when I was at my lowest and told him that I didn't know if he was real, but if he was to please help me, and I told him that I would give him 3 days and after that I was committing suicide. I didn't think he was real and if he was I was sure he wanted nothing to do with me. The only Christians I had ever seen were "good people" who pay their bills and follow laws and give to charities and have perfect families. But I cried out and asked him to help me out of pure desperation.
That was 10 years ago, he showed up and never left. I have my struggles and ups and downs, but he was able to save me from a heroin addiction that I could not have beat on my own. Now I'm a pastor's wife- my husband is a former crack addict- and we met at a church that outreached to drug addicts and was run by former drug addicts- from the pastors on down to the congregation. All former addicts, pimps, prostitutes, liars, gangbangers, thieves, murderers, thugs, threats to society, lost causes. All saved, healed and redeemed by God. They just needed to believe he would want a relationship with them and ask Him into their heart and to save them. And he did.
It took hearing these people talk about the horrible things They had done and how God had wanted them Anyway to believe that just MAYBE he would want me too, and could restore my life the way he had theirs. Those people I could relate to. They had actually been forgiven of horrible things. A churchy preacher talking about how God could forgive you when the worst thing he'd done in his life was get a speeding ticket, I couldn't. Of course God could forgive HIM. He hadn't done what I'd done, but these people had. And He forgave them. It gave me just the tiniest silver of hope and belief that I could be saved too. It helped me see the truth of who God really is- unabounding love. You don't need to be good or get your life together to come to God- just COME.
And I'm here to tell you the same thing. God loves you. He wants you. He will forgive you. You just need to want Him too. Just ask Him to help you, and keep asking. Don't believe the lies of the enemy that you're hopeless and doomed to this forever. That you're not good enough- not one of them. Ask Him to help you and tell Him you want Him to come into your heart and be Lord of your life and to take your addiction away. He will. Talk to Him. He's there, and He's listening- He's just waiting on you.
The bible says over and over again that God will allow himself to be found when he is looked for/searched out/ desired above all else. Keep looking for Him. He will let himself be found (2 Chronicles 15:2). The trick is to KEEP searching Him out. Even when you mess up, just KEEP GOING BACK TO HIM. Keep talking to Him. He will keep you. And eventually you will experience Him and through His power your addiction will be broken, and you will have a brand new life in every possible way. It might not happen overnight, but it will happen. And before you know it you will experience Him and He will empower you to battle your demons with HIS power- because we have none of our own.
I have seen Him do miracles, and just like in the bible- he does them in the lives of the worst of the worst. That's where He gets the most glory from and where His power is shown. By taking lost causes and doing things in their lives no one thought was imaginable. By making a sinner a saint, not by making an already "good person" good. No one is too far beyond his reach.
Please don't give up on God. That's the only way he will not help you- when YOU stop looking to HIM for help. No matter what you do or how far you fall, you can always go back. The only way to lose is by giving up and not looking for Him anymore. He is the only way out. Whatever you do, don't stop talking to Him.
Anyways sorry for the long rant but as you can tell I'm very passionate about this subject because I know what He's done in my life and want others to have the same freedom. I'll be praying for you. You can private message me if you want to talk.
"In my distress I called upon the LORD, And cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, And my cry for help before Him came into His ears"- Psalms 18:6
"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains."
- Psalms 107:10