what do i do? dont want her to be the one that got away

[lost_my_user]

Hi all, used to post here back in the day, went offline for ages n have forgotten my user and pass. Used to post in EADD mainly.
Anyway, ill tell this as short as possible. Its not massively complicated.

Right, met this amazing girl in December. The first time i met her she told me she was moving to italy in a month or two. That didnt stop us getting it on and hanging out loads. By the time she left we were seeing each other pretty much everyday. Although slightly gutted she was leaving cuz shes cool as fuck and hot, I was gona jus get over it n move on.
Anyway few days later when shes moved to italy, she starts emailing me. We end up chatting pretty much all day everyday. She tells me how she feels, telling me shes gutted but she had to leave.

Fast forward a month n we're still chattin all the time, and she invited me over to stay with her in italy for 5 days. I book flights straight away n go see her a few days later. Had an amazing 5 days with her. But before i left we had a chat about "us". We both agreed that long distance wouldn't work, and that we would want each other properly in each others lives. Long distance would drive me mad not being able to see her regularly. Anyway that was a bit awkward n weird, but I knew that chat was gonna happen cuz we were so into each other.

Now, since i left ive been really really gutted about the whole thing. I fall asleep thinking about her, and i wake up to find myself thinking about her. Im obviously thinking about her right now. Anyway we've been chatting pretty much everyday since i got back like a month ago, and we skyped last night for the first time since i been back. Just seeing her face, smile, hearing her talk an laugh was amazing. Maybe too amazing. We chatted for hours. But when it ended i felt that gut wrenching feeling i got when i left her when i had to coem back home from italy. I still have that feelingin my stomach now, not as bad but its there. Haven't stopped thinking about her all day pretty much.

Now, what the hell do i do? Long distance isnt an option.
My only thoughts are moving to be with her.
Is this mad of me considering ive known her like 3months? Ive been toying with the idea since i went to see her in italy tbh. My friends ive talked to this about think im mad wanting to move to be with her after 3months knowing her. I just didnt have the guts to mention it to her when we had "the chat" For a few reasons really.
Mainly, i dont talk italian, she has her own group of mates there already, i have 1 other friend apart from her living nearby. I also wouldn't wana live with her, and i doubt she'd wana live with me.
On the plus, i have no ties or responsibilities at home. And will be leaving here regardless to go travelling in october time. I also have plenty of savings to fund this move, rent a flat, and even quite a hefty bit to potentially put into a small business.
My only fear? Her saying no this is an absurd idea, and totally embarrassing myself.
So what would you do? has a similar scenario happened to any of you? She's already invited me back to italy, and wants to go on holiday in the summer. But we're not in a relationship and I've told her im not sure if its the best idea, cuz ill be gutted when i have to leave her again to come home again. But shes still persisting saying she wants to see me again n stay in regular contact. So ideas anyone please?! And if i decide not too, or she says no..... do i cut her off after? I really dont want too, but talking to her all the time definitely keeps her in my mind more. Not a good situation to be in, watching my best friend pretty much be the girl that got away......
Thankyou in advance for any replies
Sorry that ended up being so long

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

If I were you I'd move to Italy since you want to be with this woman, and it sounds like you'll regret it if you don't move and have a relationship with her or at least do it and attempt it. Yes you can learn the Italian language and culture as you'll pick it up via immersion, and she and people who you meet can teach you. Or there are classes you can take there. Instead of putting your money into opening up a business there try to become a resident and find a job, and save your savings for paying rent and for groceries.

Talk to her about you moving, ask if you can live with her, or the other issues you wrote. Good luck.

Where in Italy is this woman located?

 

[Ubi]

Just do it

When I met my sweetheart we both knew we had something special going on and we recognized this within the first moments, which became the first weeks, onto months and so on; and years later, we still know it.. My point is, often, when two meld well together, it is felt right away so going off to be with someone you've known for three months isn't far fetched, it's beautiful
.
Allow me to also tell you, though I know not your age, these special connections are rare. And become even more rare as we get older so if your feeling something something with and for this girl, why wouldn't you nourish that.
You say your planning to travel anyway? Well, sounds like the Universe is laying it all out for you then. How romantic to jet off to Italy, rent your own flat, have some extra cash and get to know this sweetheart of yours a little better.
I say, move mountains to be with her. Again, rare these special connections are and ought not be taken forgranted....

Don't get wrapped up in too many what if's. Just go for it man, go for it and good luck. Sometimes you just got to believe.
How sweet indeed...

 

[nuttynutskin]

I agree with the previous posters. I would just say go for it. It sounds like you're making excuses why it wouldn't work which is understandable cuz it's scary making a life changing decision. But you don't want to look back and wonder what could've been. You'll never know if you don't try you and all that you know? Like Ubi basically said it's rare to find that special someone. I'm in a similar situation btw so if you have any questions feel free to ask.

 

[lost_my_user]

Hey all, thanks for the replies.
Not gona lie, i am making excuses yeah. It's quite a scary thought. And whats scarier is getting told its a stupid idea by the most amazing girl ive ever met. Every time we've discussed feelings/whats gonna happen between us, she's said it wont ever work cuz we're doing different things. Which we are at the moment. But like i said im not tied down or have any responisbilites at all so its not a huge risk apart from losing a few grand from my life savings. Im 26 shes 22 by the way ubi, so both young enough.
My few issues are, like i said, her turning me down. The language barrier. And the fact she already has a pretty big social circle over there. Most of them ive met, theyre nice enough people, but not my sort of people id hang round with. This girls so nice she gets on with anymore, where as im a picky individual. I just wouldnt want to move there, and feel left out, or imposing on her life. Living together, i duno, the 5 days together we got along really well. But thats 5 days. But then again could i room with some italians i dont know? So many thoughts going round my head at the moment. And theyre all pretty much revolving round this girl. I know shes into me, we''ve told each other if the scenario was different we'd be together, and shes invited me back to see her an asked me on holiday with her. Ive told her im not sure, cuz i dont wana look forward too much to seeing her, then having to leave her n be gutted all over again. Ive just been reading some of our messages from the last couple months. And she seems to be doin th same denying anything can happen cuz of distance.
I just dont know how to mention it.
I almost brought it up on skype the other day, she knows i wana open a bar abroad, and asked her what rent is in her area roughly for a small dingy place, she just said "pretty cheap". I duno if proposing the idea is good or not.
Ideally, id ask her straight up, and say lets see what happens over the summer when i visit and we holiday. But im a pussy. Really dont know how to do it, well i do, but im too scared.
Time is ticking too, i have a mate waitin for me tell him if im gona go aus/nz/thailand with him october time for like 6months.
Do i tell my 1 of my best friends no?
Or do i tell my new best friend i wana move to be with her?
Sorry for rambling. Skyping with her the other night was maybe a bad idea, havnt stopped thinking about her since.

edit - just emailed her now to see how her new jobs going.
I told her our skype chat has made me realise how much i actually miss her, and that i do wana see her again, depending how she replies mabe i can dropa hint. I know ill regret it if i dont do this, its jus 1 hell of a decision.
Thing is i wana leave where i am in the UK, i dont particually wana go aus/nz with my mate, its just a get out clause. Stayin in the eu, not having to worry about visas etc. Fuck im a fool.

 

[pokepoke420]

I'm in the same position with this beautiful woman in Brazil right now.
You have to be confident in fact she won't think it's absurd, and she will just melt if you came.
If you are confident she feels that way, by all means, go.
But if you don't, you may want to re-think the whole situation. You need to KNOW in your own mind if it is right.

 

[lost_my_user]

What are you gna do poke? Where you based? You manned up and asked her yet? Or you still dwelling on it?
So much shit going through my mind, no idea what im gona do. Or how im gona bring this up. Or even worse, how ill deal with the rejection if it happens....

 

[Ubi]

Just do it for you.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I think you're over thinking things. I know, I do it too. But you'll never know if neither of you bring it up. If she does want you to move there it's probably not going to work tho if you don't want to live with her, which I forgot to ask why that was...

 

[lost_my_user]

I definitely over think things nutty.
Why dont you think itd work if we lived seperately?
Im thinking it'd be better to live seperately to start cuz in reality we havent known each other that long at all. Ive never lived with a girlfriend before. And i recon it'd be better to start it that way. Plus her flatmates are lovely people, but their not really my sorta crowd id hang out with out of choice..... the same with all of her mates i met there.... so duno about living there, although the location and flat is amazing.
I'm thinking i might drop a hint when we skype next that i think itd be a cool place to setup a bar/cafe(something ive wanted to do abroad for a while) and see how she responds. Haven't stopped thinkin bout this for a while now. Going to be so difficult to actually go through with bringing it up. But i guess the fact ive never met a girl i get on with this well and that shes constantly on my mind means i should go for it.....

 

[malakaix]

Just make sure you yourself wants to do this, even if she wasn't part of the picture.

I went through a similar situation in 2012. I met a beautiful Hungarian girl who simply melted my heart; i fell very hard for her and we spent a couple of months together.. we also discussed our circumstances and how long-distance wouldn't work (Im from Australia, so it's some serious distance). However i did mention to her my desire to move to Europe for my own reason's in the beginning, and then a couple of months later i mentioned living in Hungary to be with her.. of course this wasn't received well and she told me im crazy; which from her perspective i can now understand.. the Hungarian economy is fucked, the politicians are corrupt, the wages are very low and their language is one of the most difficult to learn.

But because i was caught up with my infatuation with her, i wasn't able to see these issues clearly.

I went back to Australia in 2013.. i kept in brief contact with her, i could barley keep her off my mind for the 6 months i was back home.. and then i went back to Europe to visit some friends and festivals in July 2013. I met up with her again, we hit it off again for a week.. but then she broke down in tears and shut me out, and said she wanted this to end last year.. i couldn't offer her any guarantee of stability (financially, career-wise, etc).. i kept trying for a while, but it's just became more distant with her.. im still in Europe and i still think about her often, but im slowly accepting the reality of the situation. It's really hard to establish yourself in a foreign country.. you HAVE to want to do it for yourself and only yourself; if you do it for someone else.. you're investing everything into the idea that they will be as committed to you as you are to them, and that's never a guarantee..

I know it may sound 'romantic' to tell a girl you're moving there for her.. but what this does is it indirectly places responsibility for your life onto her, and this may freak her out. If you really want to do this.. do it, but make sure you're doing it because you want to.. not just because of her.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I'm thinking i might drop a hint when we skype next that i think itd be a cool place to setup a bar/cafe(something ive wanted to do abroad for a while) and see how she responds. Haven't stopped thinkin bout this for a while now. Going to be so difficult to actually go through with bringing it up. But i guess the fact ive never met a girl i get on with this well and that shes constantly on my mind means i should go for it.....

That sounds like a pretty good plan to me. It sounds like she's definitely into you. Just try to keep it casual and don't put her on the spot at first. Drop some hints here and there and see what her responses are.

 

[lost_my_user]

malakaix, you have a very good point there, that i have beared in mind.
Tbh, iive barely spoken to her the last couple of days, over the weekends we dont so much
In 6months time im leavin the UK regardless, where, i have no idea. Starting a new life with her would be cool, i have life savings that ive been wanting to put into a business for a while. Its either that, or go travelling.
The only thing that makes me want to go for it, is that we've talked about our feelings loads, and ive never met a girl i get along with like her. I'm gona drop a couple hints n see what happens next time we hava proper chat. I knew this was gona happen, and it was a bad idea going to see her in the first place, i actually knew the second time i went to go meet up with her ever that this would lead to this essentially. I guess if it goes to plan it'll be worth it, but not gona lie im scared as fuck of her rejecting me.

 

[pokepoke420]

What are you gna do poke? Where you based? You manned up and asked her yet? Or you still dwelling on it?
So much shit going through my mind, no idea what im gona do. Or how im gona bring this up. Or even worse, how ill deal with the rejection if it happens....

Nah man, I can't ask. I live in LA, a cool 16 hours away. She is very important at her job, and I don't want to get in her way. I am just dealing with meeting women that don't make me feel half as great as she did. It's unfortunate. We were talking and would Skype everyday, but now the time in between when we speak grows longer. Nothing I can really do. If you know this woman wants you 100%, go make it happen man.

 

[lost_my_user]

I know what you mean poke.
Ive decided to man up and im gona drop a few hints.
Since she started her new job last week we've barely spoken. Which i am fine about. Actually having not spoken for a good few days, the thoughts about her have subsided, only slightly. And i know wha'tll happen next, she'll send me a huge email or we'll skype and the gutwrenching feeling of her not being with me will come back with vengenace. I don;t think ill be able to keep in touch with her if she says no.
I already told her im dubious about going to visit her again, and going on holidays with her cuz of my feelings, and she understood that. Little does she know id move to be with her.
I think the fact shes the one that kept this whole thing going after she left, instigated me to go over and see her, and get alot of (some drunk) messages off her telling me her feelings, i need to go for it.
Sorry to ramble, will let you all know how it goes.


edit - and poke, i know what you mean. I could go on a date with 1 girl this week, and another i know next week. Probably sleep with them both quicktime too. But their boring and just not the girl i actually want. I'm gona compare every girl to this one, as shes the most amazing ive ever met. I feel your pain mate

 

[malakaix]

I'm gona compare every girl to this one, as shes the most amazing ive ever met.

This is what i hate, ever since the Hungarian girl i was with.. i've compared every girl to her; i've slept around and tried to meet new women since.. but i havn't completely let go of her so im always comparing every girl to her, she set the standard and she set it very high..

 

[nuttynutskin]

Do it!!!

 

[nuttynutskin]

Any updates?

 

[pokepoke420]

I know what you mean poke.
Ive decided to man up and im gona drop a few hints.
Since she started her new job last week we've barely spoken. Which i am fine about. Actually having not spoken for a good few days, the thoughts about her have subsided, only slightly. And i know wha'tll happen next, she'll send me a huge email or we'll skype and the gutwrenching feeling of her not being with me will come back with vengenace. I don;t think ill be able to keep in touch with her if she says no.
I already told her im dubious about going to visit her again, and going on holidays with her cuz of my feelings, and she understood that. Little does she know id move to be with her.
I think the fact shes the one that kept this whole thing going after she left, instigated me to go over and see her, and get alot of (some drunk) messages off her telling me her feelings, i need to go for it.
Sorry to ramble, will let you all know how it goes.


edit - and poke, i know what you mean. I could go on a date with 1 girl this week, and another i know next week. Probably sleep with them both quicktime too. But their boring and just not the girl i actually want. I'm gona compare every girl to this one, as shes the most amazing ive ever met. I feel your pain mate

The only thing I take from the whole situation is that she elevated my standards. I know now when I meet the right woman, if that ever happens again. Yno? It was the most intense, passionate, just unbelievable situation I have always wished for in my young life. Good luck to you though, keep us updated .

 

[DCypha]

Sometimes Its just best to walk away. If you guys are meant to be together then perhaps you will meet again. I was just in a similar situation, the more you want to hang out with her the farther she'll run. Eventually I had to let her go. I opened myself to her and I got burnt bad.

Hope it all works out for you. Sending you some good vibes.