Girlfriend of two years, 17-19 (I'm 21 btw)
From the get go it was terrible, I was terrible, I'd spent months pursuing her, all the while knowing she was in to me, knowing those months could've only been days. I was 16 then, in turmoil with myself, turmoil I projected onto the world and ultimately onto her. I wanted to be with her but it was such a hard thought to contemplate, I'd existed for years killing myself slowly, enthralled by the prospect of death, and yet, here was the first person to give me reason to hope, possibly even embrace life again in all of my memorable life.
I struggled with this duality, all I wanted was to be with her, make her laugh, make her happy and be there for her. I loved her. Unfortunately though this cataclysmic tear I found myself hopping back and forth upon only led me to hurting her in my unsurity of what was fundamentally the divide of my life and my death.
I slept with her best friend, I was inappropriate with an ex, and other girls, I'd hidden my drug use for the first year, and that wasn't pretty when it came out. I never trusted her, I was controlling and over protective. I harassed her when she left me. There's nothing I feel more shame for, I was a loving tormentor.
To this day I can't use social media, I just find myself scouring for her with a deep burning pain that I may actually see her face.
I loved her, I still do. But I changed her, I passed my trauma on to her and now realise I love a memory of a person who no longer exist. I never expect her to speak to me again but I just want to explain, I've had a lot of therapy since, I just want to explain.
Well that was a dive into me a little bit, my most honest truth and my biggest shame. I've not had a girlfriend since, I just can't.