I started smoking at 14. Before that I was shy and got nervous but was able to cope with it and control my thoughts and reactions rationally. I was flourishing socially and began binge drinking then moved onto weed. It made my anxiety and depression become physically and mentally uncontrollable. Not like where you hear people smoke for years and then suddenly can't because it's starting to make them paranoid and panicky. That was my reaction from the first time and every time after but I didn't take it seriously. Why didn't I stop? Wanting to be cool, thinking weed couldn't have that much of an effect long-term. Enjoying feeling fucked up and playing with my brain. Most people who try weed and it makes them paranoid realise it's not for them.
At 15 I started struggling to read aloud when it was my turn in English class. Voice tremors and unable to breathe properly.
At 16 I had a panic attack when fooling around with a girl.
Went to uni and developed physical tremors and social anxiety.
Panic attacks when smoking or sober, when getting a haircut, ordering a drink, unable to make new friends or get a girlfriend.
Kept smoking though, plus MDMA and mushies. Too stupid and addicted to stop.
Had a full on breakdown at 23 when I convinced myself I had a fatal illness. Got to the point I went on ADs. Came off them. Yep, started smoking again. 25 now and just getting out of another 6 month depression/panic episode triggered by a skunk freak out and ending in more ADs, which just made me worse in the end.
Not a single toke in 5 months and all my anxiety and depression symptoms are still here. Mental and physical. I started a new job hoping I could have a fresh start but I'm already clearly the weirdo there and I can tell my manager is wondering why he hired someone so socially inept.
What have I done to myself? That's the worse part. I'm furious with myself. What chance have I got to be normal? How could I have turned out if I never touched such an insidious drug? I'd have been better off getting hooked on something heavier so that I bottomed out quicker and could have begun recovering instead of taking 11 years of cumulative damage.
I understand my issues were probably already there, or were latent, or I was more predisposed to them but I wish I'd heeded the signs when they first started appearing.
What do I do? I've tried medicine, therapy, exercise... if this is my life for the long run then I may as well go back to drink and drugs.
At 15 I started struggling to read aloud when it was my turn in English class. Voice tremors and unable to breathe properly.
At 16 I had a panic attack when fooling around with a girl.
Went to uni and developed physical tremors and social anxiety.
Panic attacks when smoking or sober, when getting a haircut, ordering a drink, unable to make new friends or get a girlfriend.
Kept smoking though, plus MDMA and mushies. Too stupid and addicted to stop.
Had a full on breakdown at 23 when I convinced myself I had a fatal illness. Got to the point I went on ADs. Came off them. Yep, started smoking again. 25 now and just getting out of another 6 month depression/panic episode triggered by a skunk freak out and ending in more ADs, which just made me worse in the end.
Not a single toke in 5 months and all my anxiety and depression symptoms are still here. Mental and physical. I started a new job hoping I could have a fresh start but I'm already clearly the weirdo there and I can tell my manager is wondering why he hired someone so socially inept.
What have I done to myself? That's the worse part. I'm furious with myself. What chance have I got to be normal? How could I have turned out if I never touched such an insidious drug? I'd have been better off getting hooked on something heavier so that I bottomed out quicker and could have begun recovering instead of taking 11 years of cumulative damage.
I understand my issues were probably already there, or were latent, or I was more predisposed to them but I wish I'd heeded the signs when they first started appearing.
What do I do? I've tried medicine, therapy, exercise... if this is my life for the long run then I may as well go back to drink and drugs.