Hello Bluelight,
I have used this website much in the past when I wanted drug safety info, lately I have become quite interested in reading about substances I have never touched, but today for whatever reason I feel compelled to spill all my worries to you guys and girls. If you would be interested please read ahead.
I am a 21 year old American boy who first started exploring drugs when I smoked weed at 14. Then I tried some hydrocodone and then lsd, shrooms, adderall, cocaine, ketamine, and my favorite, mdma by 16. The drug use was always very responsible, the sort of thing that me and my friends would get into every few weekends depending on what we could get our hands on. Although, that ended for the most part by the time I was 18, partially because it didn't seem worth it to go through the hassle of finding and buying it and partially because I realized the things I played around with before (weed, lsd, shrooms) primarily put me into an panicked state for a couple hours. While I let go of all of that, I developed a joy for kratom during quarantine and found myself drinking most weekends since I've entered college.
Kratom started out as a once every couple of days thing, that went on for about 2 years, then for the past year I used every single day until I took a month long break in June. The reason I took the break was primarily because the kratom gave me puffy nipples (gynecomastia) which is a horrible thing to think about as much as I do and a sign that my hormones are way off. But another reason is because I've seen myself become more and more unhappy, reclusive, hopeless, and whatever else over the past few years and I wanted to see if the kratom had anything to do with it. The month long break started off with about 4 days of feeling bad physically (not as bad as the flu, but still not great), then once that ended I felt normal except I was missing one of my favorite things to do everyday.
For a while, it has felt like I am doing everything just because I need to. I'm not particularly jazzed about my schoolwork, my part-time jobs are quite boring. I expect everyone to feel pretty close on those things too, but what gets me is how I view even the things I "like". Now, I don't feel like I'm having much fun from hanging out with friends, playing video games, exercising, gardening, or most of the other things I do for enjoyment. Idk what's up with me, I can generally get myself to do all these things, but the joy is more rare than I would hope for. I think the main problem is that I am not a very social person, but that is also the result of me not feeling very happy day to day, both cause and effect.
It really makes me wonder how much kratom plays into all of this. I think back to before I ever used it and before it became any sort of crutch and I still felt the dread I'm describing, but it's entirely possible that using it has prevented me from finding better coping strategies to my daily problems. I started taking it again at the beginning of July and it happy at work instead of completely miserable. It also makes the time off of work better too. Most importantly, it gives me something to look forward to every day. I think that is very valuable since I'm living at my parents house for summer break. My parents and siblings are great people, but for some reason I feel like I can't be myself around them, something I started to feel once I was about 12 that never went away. For that reason, I am only comfortable staying in my room when I am home. to deal with this I talk to friends on discord while playing games or go on a bike ride during the day, and I go to the gym with a buddy of mine most days.
It feels like a struggle to make it through this summer, but I'm running on the hope for how things will be once I move into a house with my friends on August. Kratom is a band-aid to help me get through this summer that I hope to get off of around the time I move in. I'm really riding out this move-in, but if I think about it, Idk what it will really do. Obviously it will be nice being comfortable in the place I live, but I will still be me. The me who will avoid talking to coworkers and friends, the me who wishes he could sleep through a week, the me who wishes he could skip out on family vacations. I don't have anything better to do, but it hurts to be unhappy with people in a situation where everyone is supposed to have a good time.
I have much more life to live so by some point (maybe in 2 years, probably in 5, definitely in 10) everything I think about now will replace with something new, probably something more positive. But despite recognizing this, my feelings are telling me that the rest of my life will be a long road of discontent. It makes me want to say fuck it. I am not close to low enough to end my life or anything, and even if I was I wouldn't because I don't want to affect the people who know me. Instead I fantasize about either riding my bike across America (which sounds lonely, but atleast I won't be around anyone I know) or getting all strung out on meth. That's why I'm on this forum so often. It's fascinating to read the stories of meth users and I think about how awesome I would feel for a while. I am not going to do meth because I know it ends with either 1. quitting while you're ahead, leaving you with a disappointment that life can't be how you felt on it, 2. quitting after reaching the bottom, leaving you with a big mess and an inability to experience much happiness (atleast for a while), or 3. it completely eviscerates your soul and you become, at best, a person too far out to really be a part of society, or at worst, a desperate vagrant who dissolves all morals to get another hit. Even though I feel like I'm too fucked up in some way to be a part of society, if I actually had the realization that everyone I know lost respect for me and sees me as merely a tweaker, I would never escape that self hatred.
I probably just need a girlfriend tbh haha, but I wonder what good would come from going on some sort of antidepressant. I've held off since I should go awhile without kratom before adding anything to the mix and because if I want to talk to a professional I would need to open up to my parents (because of their insurance), which I can't bear to do. I just need to find the version of myself that I can be proud of, the kind who can have fun with friends and family, at parties or bars, the kind who can comfortably do the things everyone else does and be happy with it. I just don't know if I can find the person with who I am right now. In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep doing the things I have to. Imma start to play around with adderall here and there, which can be dangerous, but I'm not too worried since I did it before without any problems and if I find myself reliant in any way I'll just replace it with kratom because I've seen I can enjoy that without messing too much up. I also think it could be genuinely helpful if I did some molly with my friends and unleashed all the worries I've been holding onto. It seems like once every couple of weeks I get so pent up that all I want to do it cry, but I can't even if I sit there and try for 45 minutes. Expression is such an important aspect of mental health (and linguistically I wonder what the connection between EXpression and DEpression is) that I find such a hard time to do.
Anyways, this turned into a rambling that I hope is understandable (I don't feel like reading it over jajaja). I find with writing that I start light and as I get deeper into my problems I get more and more dark/dramatic (most of the time I'm not as depressed as I may come off here but I'm getting moody now I guess). I'm sure many have felt like me and I would love to hear what anyone has to say about all this whether they sympathize, empathize, or think I have my head in my ass.
Hugs and Kisses,
Creg
I have used this website much in the past when I wanted drug safety info, lately I have become quite interested in reading about substances I have never touched, but today for whatever reason I feel compelled to spill all my worries to you guys and girls. If you would be interested please read ahead.
I am a 21 year old American boy who first started exploring drugs when I smoked weed at 14. Then I tried some hydrocodone and then lsd, shrooms, adderall, cocaine, ketamine, and my favorite, mdma by 16. The drug use was always very responsible, the sort of thing that me and my friends would get into every few weekends depending on what we could get our hands on. Although, that ended for the most part by the time I was 18, partially because it didn't seem worth it to go through the hassle of finding and buying it and partially because I realized the things I played around with before (weed, lsd, shrooms) primarily put me into an panicked state for a couple hours. While I let go of all of that, I developed a joy for kratom during quarantine and found myself drinking most weekends since I've entered college.
Kratom started out as a once every couple of days thing, that went on for about 2 years, then for the past year I used every single day until I took a month long break in June. The reason I took the break was primarily because the kratom gave me puffy nipples (gynecomastia) which is a horrible thing to think about as much as I do and a sign that my hormones are way off. But another reason is because I've seen myself become more and more unhappy, reclusive, hopeless, and whatever else over the past few years and I wanted to see if the kratom had anything to do with it. The month long break started off with about 4 days of feeling bad physically (not as bad as the flu, but still not great), then once that ended I felt normal except I was missing one of my favorite things to do everyday.
For a while, it has felt like I am doing everything just because I need to. I'm not particularly jazzed about my schoolwork, my part-time jobs are quite boring. I expect everyone to feel pretty close on those things too, but what gets me is how I view even the things I "like". Now, I don't feel like I'm having much fun from hanging out with friends, playing video games, exercising, gardening, or most of the other things I do for enjoyment. Idk what's up with me, I can generally get myself to do all these things, but the joy is more rare than I would hope for. I think the main problem is that I am not a very social person, but that is also the result of me not feeling very happy day to day, both cause and effect.
It really makes me wonder how much kratom plays into all of this. I think back to before I ever used it and before it became any sort of crutch and I still felt the dread I'm describing, but it's entirely possible that using it has prevented me from finding better coping strategies to my daily problems. I started taking it again at the beginning of July and it happy at work instead of completely miserable. It also makes the time off of work better too. Most importantly, it gives me something to look forward to every day. I think that is very valuable since I'm living at my parents house for summer break. My parents and siblings are great people, but for some reason I feel like I can't be myself around them, something I started to feel once I was about 12 that never went away. For that reason, I am only comfortable staying in my room when I am home. to deal with this I talk to friends on discord while playing games or go on a bike ride during the day, and I go to the gym with a buddy of mine most days.
It feels like a struggle to make it through this summer, but I'm running on the hope for how things will be once I move into a house with my friends on August. Kratom is a band-aid to help me get through this summer that I hope to get off of around the time I move in. I'm really riding out this move-in, but if I think about it, Idk what it will really do. Obviously it will be nice being comfortable in the place I live, but I will still be me. The me who will avoid talking to coworkers and friends, the me who wishes he could sleep through a week, the me who wishes he could skip out on family vacations. I don't have anything better to do, but it hurts to be unhappy with people in a situation where everyone is supposed to have a good time.
I have much more life to live so by some point (maybe in 2 years, probably in 5, definitely in 10) everything I think about now will replace with something new, probably something more positive. But despite recognizing this, my feelings are telling me that the rest of my life will be a long road of discontent. It makes me want to say fuck it. I am not close to low enough to end my life or anything, and even if I was I wouldn't because I don't want to affect the people who know me. Instead I fantasize about either riding my bike across America (which sounds lonely, but atleast I won't be around anyone I know) or getting all strung out on meth. That's why I'm on this forum so often. It's fascinating to read the stories of meth users and I think about how awesome I would feel for a while. I am not going to do meth because I know it ends with either 1. quitting while you're ahead, leaving you with a disappointment that life can't be how you felt on it, 2. quitting after reaching the bottom, leaving you with a big mess and an inability to experience much happiness (atleast for a while), or 3. it completely eviscerates your soul and you become, at best, a person too far out to really be a part of society, or at worst, a desperate vagrant who dissolves all morals to get another hit. Even though I feel like I'm too fucked up in some way to be a part of society, if I actually had the realization that everyone I know lost respect for me and sees me as merely a tweaker, I would never escape that self hatred.
I probably just need a girlfriend tbh haha, but I wonder what good would come from going on some sort of antidepressant. I've held off since I should go awhile without kratom before adding anything to the mix and because if I want to talk to a professional I would need to open up to my parents (because of their insurance), which I can't bear to do. I just need to find the version of myself that I can be proud of, the kind who can have fun with friends and family, at parties or bars, the kind who can comfortably do the things everyone else does and be happy with it. I just don't know if I can find the person with who I am right now. In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep doing the things I have to. Imma start to play around with adderall here and there, which can be dangerous, but I'm not too worried since I did it before without any problems and if I find myself reliant in any way I'll just replace it with kratom because I've seen I can enjoy that without messing too much up. I also think it could be genuinely helpful if I did some molly with my friends and unleashed all the worries I've been holding onto. It seems like once every couple of weeks I get so pent up that all I want to do it cry, but I can't even if I sit there and try for 45 minutes. Expression is such an important aspect of mental health (and linguistically I wonder what the connection between EXpression and DEpression is) that I find such a hard time to do.
Anyways, this turned into a rambling that I hope is understandable (I don't feel like reading it over jajaja). I find with writing that I start light and as I get deeper into my problems I get more and more dark/dramatic (most of the time I'm not as depressed as I may come off here but I'm getting moody now I guess). I'm sure many have felt like me and I would love to hear what anyone has to say about all this whether they sympathize, empathize, or think I have my head in my ass.
Hugs and Kisses,
Creg
been suggested that atypical, dopaminergic antidepressants may act on such aberrant reward processing and be better suited to treat anhedonia
. Bupropion is unique among antidepressants as an inhibitor of dopamine reuptake, leading to increased dopamine levels in the synapse.
Important Notes. Bupropion is unique among antidepressants as an inhibitor of dopamine reuptake, leading to increased dopamine levels in the synapse.
Which antidepressants increase dopamine levels?
Important Notes. Bupropion is unique among antidepressants as an inhibitor of dopamine reuptake, leading to increased dopamine levels in the synapse.
