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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Want to get clean

Not a day. I meant at a time. When I have the OP's though, since they are time release I can take 20 mg just twice a day. If I have regular ones though I tend to take much more. And yes, I can do the physical part. I've been very careful limiting my usage. Like you said, it's my damn brain. It just demands more. I wish I could turn that off. I would literally do anything to just turn that part of my brain off forever.
 
OP's are my DOC too. i like them so much better. i can pop one to make the high last, but will cook n sniff one while i pop another for the rush and then keep the high steady... mmm. just thinking about it makes me want some. but i am trying to resist too. its not easy. im in school and working myself, also am an EMT. so i understand your situation, kinda.

I actually did my first NA meeting yesterday. it really was kinda helpful. i have no one to talk to about this stuff. not one person knows that i am addicted, not famly friends no one. so its really tough. but finding someone to talk to is a huge help. i actually just started a thread for exactly that reason. its not easy. but there are thousands of others that have done it, so why not us, right?
 
You're definitely right greengnome. So many people have done this successfully. Including myself, off of methadone no less. Difference then though was I had a supportive husband. No job. No real responsibility. Today I have a high stress and physical job. I support a family of 4 on my own. I have no support. And far too easy access. Also, I'm not exactly in the place mentally that I was back then. You have to be beyond done to have the mental resolve it takes to come off of methadone. A month of acute withdrawals but still wake up every day and say no.
But I'm going to for it anyway. If no one in my real life is there to hold me accountable then I'm hoping you guys will be enough.
I have melatonin, lope, some valium and clonidine. As well as a few muscle relaxers if I need them. So it should be all I need to get me through. As long as the RLS stays away I know i can get through the physical part. And at my current low dose I don't think I have to worry about that too much.
I do not want to end up like my mother. 50 years old, coming of a nasty H addiction and looking to most likely spend the rest of my life on methadone. I won't allow that to be my story.
 
And PS. No one needs to worry about me trading my opiate addiction for a benzo one. It will be a sleep tool only. I can not function on those things. They knock me slick tf out. I have no interest in them other than a sleep aide and to calm any rls I might experience.
 
Ok. So I'm totally out. The pills could have lasted me until tomorrow. But I didn't want to put it off anymore and wait another day. If I feel like i have to have it I'll get some clonodine tomorrow. Do any of you know much about kpins?they're pretty easy to get around here, but I've always heard crazy things and have been afraid to try them. If I took a low dose would it help negate withdrawal symptoms while leaving me able to function? I have to work (at a hospital around nurses, doctors, you name it) take care of my kids and not be super obvious to my fiance.
I'll only go looking for them if I feel like I'm going to break down and do an opiate though.
Here goes nothing..... Again.
 
K-Pins aren't crazy but they take a while to kick in so only take like 0.5mg and wait at least an hour and a half before taking anymore. They also last a long time. If your going to have Clonidine and/or muscle relaxers in your system as well you might even consider 0.25mg. You can always take more. With a conservative dose you can always use a redbull to pull yourself back up if you start getting a bit drowsy but too much Klonopin and you could end up asleep in the break room for 4 hours.
Staying busy will help keep your mind occupied and that's a big part. Keep the Lope handy as hourly bathroom breaks are not productive either. Also eat well and as healthy as you can even though you wont feel like it. Vitamins are also a big help til your brain chemistry balances out. In a few days this part will be in the rearview mirror. Good Luck !
 
I almost sent a text out. Didn't though and hopped on here instead. I don't even feel bad! It's just mind games right now. I gotta stay strong.
 
You have to change that language in your head. I know it is hard but you can do it. Rather than saying, "I am so weak", try: "I will try again and keep trying ." No need to berate yourself for being human and being vulnerable.<3
 
How are you doing Notnemore? It seemed you were doing pretty well a few days ago. I definitely agree with Herbavore. Keep your thoughts positive, as hard as it is.

In reference to your other question, kpins help a lot. i prefer them over xanax or any other benzo for w/d symptoms. The "Benzo Feeling" lasts longer then xanax or some other benzos. much more helpful to get through the night or the day at a smaller dose.

Just remember, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. you've done this before! you got this! its nothing this time, you've been through worse, and as every day passes your only that much closer to the end! Stay strong!
 
I'm still lurking. And fucking around with my 40s.
I'm trying though. Every day is one step closer to me getting clean. I have another 3 day weekend coming up. So I'm shooting to taper and try again on those days.
I never get 3 day weekends, we work holidays (as you know gnome!) so what are the odds I get two so close together. It's like God is giving me another chance and telling me not to screw it up this time!
 
I hear ya. I relapsed recently myself. Not to proud about it. But I just lost my job. It's so hard to find the motivation to continue to muscle through this and get off when I can just feel better and stay motivated while high. Life's a b!+¢$ ain't it?

I hope you make the most if this 3 day weekend. Your in day 1, hope it's off to a good start.
 
It's not this weekend. Wish it was so I could get it over with.
I got my hands on some zubsolv. So I'm going to do a quick taper with those and jump. Great things about those are i don't need much. Quarter of a pill. So i should be able to taper to a tiny dose without much problem.
 
So tomorrow will be day 1.... Again. Have some valium, ambien and trazadone (which I hate so probably won't use)
Bad part is there is a shipment coming in tomorrow. So the temptation will be strong. Especially since I'm broke and need to make the money.
I wish I had someone close to me that could get and get rid of the stuff for me and just bring me the cash. But I know no one like that. And the one person I might know, my buyers won't know them. So certainly won't mess with them.

I'm literally going to take it one minute at a time. Screw one day! I need to do this. More than I've ever needed anything. And come to think of it, more than the money I would make tomorrow.

Wish me luck.
 
Notnemore1985 said:
I'm literally going to take it one minute at a time. Screw one day! I need to do this. More than I've ever needed anything. And come to think of it, more than the money I would make tomorrow.

Wish me luck.
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Write this on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket. Take it out and look at it during the day. No matter what you do today, no matter what you do tomorrow or the next day, this is your truth--you know it in your deepest heart/mind. This is your true self talking over addictions luring voices. Keep listening, keep nurturing that voice and eventually the work of hearing it will become much more effortless. I am wishing you luck but more than luck I am wishing you compassion for yourself.<3
 
So I went to do that "one last deal" 4 days ago. Sorry I didn't listen to ya Herb.
It was almost the last thing I ever did.
I was robbed. At knifepoint. Addicts huh?

But I've been clean since. And I've not even felt sick. Spent half the day working outside today. I think my mind is much too preoccupied with almost dying.

What a ride. But I think this is what I needed. I'm glad I got to kiss my kids and fiance again. Glad I get to do anything again.
It put us in a very tough spot money wise, but hopefully we'll get that taken care of before they come take my car. What a week. What a year.

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I feel your desire to not let it effect your career, I wish I had tried to use these forums before it happened to me. I lost a job that I held for 14 years, my entire adult life to my addictions. It was a downward spiral that I have yet to recover from. I was overseas in an area where it was completely legal to buy opiates OTC, and I couldn't control myself. Spent the year in a haze, figured I had time to clean up when I went back to the states, but completely forgot the first thing I would do when reporting to my school was take a piss test. Came up hot, and got the boot. The worst part about it is that while overseas my pancreas died, and I became a type 1 diabetic. Could have been retired from my job, but the hot test took precedence over my medical issue. Trying to pick up the broken pieces of my life, but still feel the draw to it every day. Find a support system, lean on it, because staring over only makes it harder to stay clean.
 
Oh man, I am so sorry this happened to you. How terrifying.

So use those feelings of appreciation for life (they can be more fleeting than you think) to continue to motivate you to walk away from that way of life altogether. You've been treating your pain with a medication that does not work. Time to change it up!<3:)<3
 
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