AutoTripper
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2019
- Messages
- 9,991
My HPPD actually developped in 1996 from one weekend, 8 Californian Sunriser ecstasy pills, 6 at a friday night rave. They were cut with an unknown hallucinogen.
Looking back I suspect it was DXM. We all tripped on the Sunrisers, they had MDMA but were not normal.
The Saturday night I took 2 more, then later 2 microdots.
I experienced a bizarre drug interaction, had a long, messed up trip.
I was only 16. Maybe 30 e's under my belt at the time, hardly any acid and the microdots were weak, like 50ug probably.
But there was a freao reaction. I wonder if it was a mild serotonin syndrome.
I suffered genuine impairment. Going to school on the Momday and ever since, 25 years ago, I had a little black pixellated dot on the lens of my visual field, always just off centre focus, it shifted around always just out of the corner of my eye, never able to get a good look at it.
As well as these squiggly little sort of ripples and scratch marks, more central and kindnof transparent, which would appear and float up and down over my visual lens.
Both were really brought out, and still are to this day, by bright sunlight.
Now MDMA was the real cause over time of a ceftain type of HPPD or halluucinogenic visual defects.
I would always see these sparking, luminous, seemingly living like atoms, tiny little flashes of light swarming around.
But you see that sort of stuff actually on ecstasy, on the huge doses anyway.
Those 8 weak, cut, ecstasy pills and 2 weak microdots, caused me a brain injury and permenant visual defect.
I also had to scrap to keep my mind. I went to school, it was like the film the
Deadpool- nothing was ever going to be the same again.
I had terrifying brain zaps that monday morning in art class. Each one was so intense it felt like my brain would burst and I would cease to exist.
The impact that one weekend and freak, likely serotonin syndrome due to possible DXM with the MDMA, was as big and transforming as anything in my life.
I was never going to be the same again.
But I looked back in time and couldn't make sense of how such weak drugs had that level of impact.
When years going on I would take the best MDMA pills ever, much stronger acid, effectively 4 or 5 times, maybe more, as much MDMA and LSD in singke nights, without any such noticeable reaction.
Heavy MDMA abuse fiddled with my visual field heavily.
Now my HPPD. Right now, last few weeks, Im hardly aware of it at all.
At times past I was more aware of it.
But like with the Longterm comedowners, I've never rued it, worried about it, considered myself disadvantaged by it, sorry for myself like a wounded crow.
I feel pretty crazy and am working so hard with mental strength to keep my emotions settled and sanity together in the aftermath of the intense tripping of late.
I would handle it with suggared ease if I was just physically well, not dealing with intolerable suffering and pain drugs or no drugs, unrelated to drug use.
But Im really encouraged, despite the emotional rollercoaster and lingering post trip intensity for a day or two, massively spiked up by cannabis, to honestly feel and see no sign of increased, or even barely present HPPD currently, or any actual negative impacts on my brain, memory, mental sharpness, awareness and witt, even my personality.
I actually feel as much my true self as ever strangely. As confident in who I am as ever. As comfortable, at ease, and effortlessly capable of speaking directly to any person in any situation, never struggling or having to think to say precisely, concisely, exactly what I mean and want to express, as articulately and accurately as I have ever been able to really.
And Im not noticing HPPD at all. It acfually feels like my brain and imagination has been in for servive and been cleaned out and toned up.
And this is after...150 ug yesterday, 275 ug Friday, 2 mini doses last week and 150 ug last monday, I think 150 ug 3 days prior and that 18 day 7930 ug journwy a few weeks back.
And about 26.5 mg's or over since End of 2019.
After 25 years of intermittent, extensive LSD use.
My emotions suffer but they are already a problem due to illness and nervous system damages from Lyme Disease and other neurological viral infections over time. I have felt totally, inconsolably crazy after certain heavy trips recently like 1130 ug and 1230 ug following day.
Like too much intensity- physical LSD vibrations and being too sky high to get my feet on the floor.
These manic feelings pass though and I've done well, by myself alone,,to keep counselling and assuring myself to just stay calm, keep breathing, trust in the "vitals" and let time do it's healing.
But I really honestly do not feel as though I have incurred any actual physical damage, disorder of loss of brain function, particularly imagination,,and especially my verbal and social communication skills, adeptness and confidence.
I would suggest this is a good advert for LSD's relative harmlessness in a truly physicsl damaging sense.
Whatever governs HPPD we can't just say- there's your evidence of brain damage.
Neurological changes- that is something else. In this sense I feel it is kind of immaterial, possibly even reversible.
Never am I spending a waking or sleeping moment worrying about any HPPD I might notice, which strangely I don't atm. Maybe because things have retained a sort of luminous glow which I'm unconsciously accustomed to.
If I had been taking MDMA in the same relatively huge amounts and frequency as LSD lately, my brain would be a wreck, memory and cognition noticeably declined to myself and all others, and feeling vere irrepairably damaged.
The body has a memory. So does the mind. Maybe HPPD has more to do with the consciousness than an actual pysical basis.
Like when I dream, I trip to the moon. Visuals and luminence like no trip in waking reality.
We can hear music we know, in sleep paralysis, literally played out as if on a stylophone next to our bed.
Reverberations from the mind. I won't rule out that HPPD could be exactly this.
I should have right now, on top of my 25 years already of bombardment, a marked increase in HPPD following recent LSD usage.
But I have none that I am noticing at present. I almost want to say the recent heavy tripping might have cured it, whatever varying level of HPPD I have experienced over time.
It's just something which can sometimes linger for a bit, but not always.
Not most LSD users have taken as much acid as myself. Im not one bit afraid of suddenly developping bothering, permanent mental or visual defects from whatever amount of LSD I may (ideally not) go on to take from now.
Even substantial HPPD, if that was my biggest problem in life....life would be "Dandy."
I guess my point is, and obviously it's not black and white, that LSD really can be one of the most harmless drugs which can take you so far.
I just went down to see a house visitor just now. We were just talking about drugs in the house in general during lockdown, and we mentioned the storage of LSD we wish to keep secret in the event of forced Police entrance for the abominous and punishable "crime" of having a friend visit, shock and shame lol.
He asked about the acid "Do you take that stuff?"
I explained to him that since last time I saw him, I've likely taken more LSD in a time period, than anyone he is ever likely to meet possibly.
To his perception, I seem better in all regards than last times he saw me. Physically looking better. My speech is as easy, fluent, imaginative and sharp as ever.
My sense of humour and awareness and context of all things is as intact as ever. I feel absolutely zero pressure or difficulty conversing with anybody about anything. Total control and command.
I feel like I can go on auto-conscious-pilot mode. And just start the dominoes in my mind and be looking ahead and elsewhere like a chess player, moves ahead, while reeling off as if by automation, bit not without consciousness, awareness, purpose and precise valid meaning, and not dogmatically at all, the verbal script in perfectly formed and conjugated language, exactly what comes to my mind to say.
It's a remarkable observation. I should be...cabbaged right? Lol. Not one tiny little piece.
Emotionally I go through a rollercoaster. But that is my life due to illness, pain, a fucked up world, and a high level of perception and awareness.
That's a different matter. Not physical damages.
So I still want to defend LSD's ironically longheld high safety profile, based on the evidence I'm seeing right now.
I seriously feel as though my brain, imagination, memory, thinking, speaking, expressing ability, has been toned up and refurbished by what many would assume would be my demise.
It's very interesting indeed. I DO need to stop the acid, or break, and use less in general. But not because I fear losing my mind, my witts, becoming irrecoverably detached from the world around me.
In that sense, I feel as collected and connected as ever.
It's just not easy tripping too much when physically unwell, sufferring intensely in life, unrelated to drugs I mean.
And the LSD is really making me too hyper aware and perceptive about every little things, sight and sound going on around me. This is wha drives me up the wall at times.
I yearn at times for "un"consciousness (and sleep, two wuite different things- I mean, I'm actually more conscious when I'm asleep than most people I see walking the streets are when they are awake.)
That said....don't rule out me suddenly falling off the map at any point, having a change of heart and mind, and becoming yet another Acid casualty.
It can happen to anyone anytime for all we can be sure.
For now though, I see myself as an Acid Phenomenon. I don't mean that at all boastfully, just literally.
