I'm lying to everyone IRL about my drug progress.
I'm supposed to be on suboxone and doing well on that.
I'm still slamming dope everyday. I'm not a good person. I'm extremely selfish, and quite frankly I'm rather disrespectful to all the people that are legitimately trying to help me.
Stuff does happen that's not really my fault though. My suboxone doctor went on vacation this week. He was supposed to leave a refill script with this other doctor who was going to be running the weekly group meeting that we have to attend. It was one of the main reasons I still went, even though I could have probably skipped it since they were on vacation. However I NEEDED my script because my doctor doesn't write any extras. I happen to have a few extras because of the days I used (and I fortunately didn't tell my doctor that I had the few leftover strips still). Anyways, the doctor did NOT leave the refill script. There were at least 3 other people that also went to the meeting on Monday and were in need of a refill. I have no idea how they are managing or if they somehow got their refill. I'm rather annoyed that he left us dry like this. It's pretty irresponsible. I don't know how I would have not relapsed if I had been doing everything he had been telling me to do. If I had been 100% compliant than I would have been without suboxone since Tuesday (it's Friday night). So he would have had me go from 16mg a day to 0mg because he forgot to leave the refill script. Jackass. 8) I mean what was I supposed to do if I didn't have those extras?
I feel like I'm constantly being tested in various ways, and I keep failing. The pull of IV heroin is strong. It's got a strangle over my mental power. It's weaved it's way into just about every aspect of my life. It's like those vines that keep growing, wrapping themselves around the trees and vegetation, continuously rooting itself in the ground in more and more spots. Pretty soon it's wrapped around everything and can't just be quickly pulled out.
Argh! I just am so conflicted. I honestly think I could be a lot happier if I was just taking suboxone, not getting high on dope anymore, and was focusing on getting clean. I just can never seem to get adjusted to suboxone again. I don't give it enough days though before I relapse. I'm just so down then. I already feel depressed on dope. Without it I'm not even functioning.
This was an incohesive rambling of a post and I apologize if it doesn't make sense. That would be appropriate as not much in my life makes sense.