Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

[Carl Landrover]

I'm having a rough time getting adjusted to life on sub vs. heroin. I'm just used to doing all these things after shooting up. Now I don't have that and it's like something is missing. I have a lot of anxiety. I've got to go to work. I always get real nervous before work now. Was used to doing a shot before I left and then shortly after I got there.

 

[Jorayzz]

Yesterday my son told me that my sister had made plans to take my son as her son had been killed by a drunk driver at the age of ten well in 2003 I had my son and she asked me to name him after her late son well my son is now 10 and to be told that she was after my son was a shock ,why do people think that they could just cause un needed problem's just to pick up with another person's son I was flabbergasted and sad for her at the same time like calling Child and family services just to have the child that she had lost mind you my son look's like her he could be his doppelganger and I love my son and my sister I could give a flying cup to what she has on her sorry mind .

 

[Corazon]

FUCK!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been scared and anxious like a fucking bitch for like a month over this stupid disability renewal, and I finally got over the paralyzing anxiety and fucking finished it, and these fucks are closed at NOON and today is supposed to be the deadline. WHO THE FUCK CLOSES AT NOON ON A WEDNESDAY?? WHAT kind of fucking business is this?? FUCK LIFE REALLY SUCKS RIGHT NOW.

I can't keep living like this. I need some money and some friends, i'm supposed to be doing intelligent shit for a large corporation, not be fucking scared on my couch with no friends no money no girlfriend stuck in this peice of shit life. And I'm terrified over some dependent on the gov't $800 a month bullshit that I can't even live on. FUCK THESE PEOPLE FOR CLOSING AT NOON TODAY. FUCK!!!!!!! NOW I WILL BE SCARED AND STRESSED UNTIL 9AM TOMORROW AND THEY WILL PROBABLY FUCK ME OVER AND EXTEND THIS OVERWHELMING RENEWAL SHIT THAT I ALREADY CAN'T HANDLE.

I already broke down crying and shaking at the welfare office renewal thing. I am not supposed to be living like this. I HATE myself I hate people. FUCK THIS SUCKS

Wow, it's a miracle. The ss office called me back (they close at noon but are there all day apparently w/out clients), and she reassured me that I could bring it in tomorrow and it wasn't going to get cut off. I feel so much more relaxed. I have to overcome this life-shithole. Every day is horrible.

 

[ad lib]

Well you gotta think of it from a guys point of view. Most guys see getting a vasectomy as taking their manhood away lol and could possibly lead to mental problems or more like their mind telling them that they're not a man anymore. I for one wouldn't care to have a vasectomy. IMO it wouldn't take my manhood away. Just means you can have sex all you want and not have to worry about gettin their partner or whoever pregnant. I see it as a win-win situation hahaha. Everyone is different though and take things differently. If one idea doesn't work than play around with other ideas

That is true haha. I can't imagine the procedure is a walk in the park either

 

[Eveleivibe]

Ugh I don't feel well. Aching all over, feel sleepy n i've a sore thtoat. Serious need/want sleep. Tried to do some digging for a bit.

Someone told the teachers something I wrote about them n the head talked to me. It was ok because she was lovely n said she understands. She sorted things out n I was pleased about that.

What I'm not happy about is that someone would do that. I apologised when the event happen so all the person has done by doing this has hurt someone unnecessarily. The teacher has told me that I can vent to her if there's anything again.

It's extremely difficult when I'm scared of conflict.

I don't really bother with people much. I don't know if I want to go to my recovery meeting because I don't feel like the want me. They all seem to do stuff out of the meeting n never ask/invite me. A new member starts n they ask her to the drop in in the mornings for a bacon butty n a cuppa tea. They've NEVER once invited me n when i asked to do volunteering they said yes but when I turned up they said there was no space. So i feel like they were just saying yes hoping that I'd not turned up.

Also a few weeks ago we were going to go for a day out to a recovery cafe. Then a week before they cancelled it (again) i snapped at them, which isn't like me n I kept apologising. They said they had to go somewhere else instead n that there were only 5 places. I explain that I could not got for 5 am n come back at 11 pm. They put a photo up n it wasn't 5 spaces at all. - it was the whole group but me n I feel that, that was a bit deceptive.

What's wrong with me????
Why don't they like me????
Is it cause I only had a codeine addiction? There are people there with alcohol n drug problem.

They don't real how loney it gets being a single mother n how much I was looking forward to a trip like that.

Ugh i hope I'm going to feel better soon i feel like I'm in a dream

I'm seeing my key worker tomorrow. Should I tell her how I feel?

All I ever want is to feel like I accepted by people. That's all

Sorry for for the moan everyone.

 

[plmar]

actuallly fuck this previous post.

I just feel really detached and hopeless right now.
I want to get a car and get my driving license done but we're broke and I don't want to spend hundreds of £ on fucking driving lessons which I don;t need.
I know how to drive I just need to get the tests done and get my papers and that as well as the full license. tbh I don't even know how to start or what is required to get a full license. Don;t really give a shit atm.

Probably won't even be able to get a job anywhere anyway. Broke for life. How fucking great.

 

[manboychef]

Id be ok with not being needed but still wanted. Knowing that im neither needed nor wanted in my sons life is doing me in.

I shouldnt have gotten my hopes up, but at heart im an optimist. I mean he calls me by my first name like im his uncle. I have no say in his upbringing...at the science center his mom was so scared that he was with me out of her sight...its like childhood all over. Being made to feel worthless.

 

[Maya]

Ugh I don't feel well. Aching all over, feel sleepy n i've a sore thtoat. Serious need/want sleep. Tried to do some digging for a bit.

Someone told the teachers something I wrote about them n the head talked to me. It was ok because she was lovely n said she understands. She sorted things out n I was pleased about that.

What I'm not happy about is that someone would do that. I apologised when the event happen so all the person has done by doing this has hurt someone unnecessarily. The teacher has told me that I can vent to her if there's anything again.

It's extremely difficult when I'm scared of conflict.

I don't really bother with people much. I don't know if I want to go to my recovery meeting because I don't feel like the want me. They all seem to do stuff out of the meeting n never ask/invite me. A new member starts n they ask her to the drop in in the mornings for a bacon butty n a cuppa tea. They've NEVER once invited me n when i asked to do volunteering they said yes but when I turned up they said there was no space. So i feel like they were just saying yes hoping that I'd not turned up.

Also a few weeks ago we were going to go for a day out to a recovery cafe. Then a week before they cancelled it (again) i snapped at them, which isn't like me n I kept apologising. They said they had to go somewhere else instead n that there were only 5 places. I explain that I could not got for 5 am n come back at 11 pm. They put a photo up n it wasn't 5 spaces at all. - it was the whole group but me n I feel that, that was a bit deceptive.

What's wrong with me????
Why don't they like me????
Is it cause I only had a codeine addiction? There are people there with alcohol n drug problem.

They don't real how loney it gets being a single mother n how much I was looking forward to a trip like that.

Ugh i hope I'm going to feel better soon i feel like I'm in a dream

I'm seeing my key worker tomorrow. Should I tell her how I feel?

All I ever want is to feel like I accepted by people. That's all

Sorry for for the moan everyone.

Hi Evey, I feel like it's about time that I say something to your post. I don't know how you communicate or deal with people IRL but it just seems odd that you are not accepted/well liked if you are not doing anything wrong and being caring and nice to others.

To answer your question "What is wrong with me?" and "Why don't they like me?" IMO is because you are trying so hard to be liked and accepted. Now my question to you is why do you want so bad to be noticed so much by people? Who cares if not a lot of people like you or wants to be friends with you, to be honest you only need yourself and your daughter and a few close friends you can trust that's all.

I think that you are expecting too much from people that it makes you feel like you are getting left behind. Why don't you try to just relax and go with the flow for once? The more you force people to notice you, the more you are driving them away. Like I said, I don't know how you are IRL but this is just a gut feeling that I get from you based from your posts. We are exact opposites, I am a type of person where I am am fine being alone or not have tons of friends because at the end of the day, no one will really be there for me but myself and my family. I am not here to lecture you, but I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and strive to be independent and be stronger. I hope you feel better soon Evey

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya May,

Thank you for taking time in responding to me. I appreciate it.

Because I joined the group to make friends. I was an original member. I understand what you are saying but is it too much to ask that I'm included too when they go for a coffee etc?

My key worker keeps saying that you'd have all known each other when they were taking drugs n I wouldn't because my addiction was different n the way I bought stuff was whereas they 'd go to a dealer n know each other. Is it really too much to ask?
Surely they can see I'm feeling.
Last time I stopped going one of the members persuaded me to go back but I think it was just to make numbers up.

I've spent 5 years on the outside looking in.

Thanks for your response, Maya xxxx

Hasn't anyone posted since I did, I feel strange posting this now lol

Talked to my Key Worker who seems to think that I'm putting too much empathise on that group, that I should have more interests and I wouldn't think the way I do. She could have a point because I remember when I used to have nothing else other than Facebook I'd wonder why no one ever invited me out for coffee especially when I put a similar message to another single mother about being lonely. The other person received at least 30 comments while I received none. I suppose it may have been because the persons parents worked in a local pub where everyone know them. So yes she has a point there that I could be focusing n having too much expectations on the group because I have nothing in my life.

Then I told her about Cardiff and how I felt they were rubbing my face in it all over facebook and she says can't you be happy for them? She does not seem to get that I'VE HAD FIVE YEARS OF "HAVING TO BE HAPPY FOR OTHERS AND SIT BACK DUE TO BEING A SINGLE MOTHER WHEN IS IT GNA MY TIME?" Is it TOO MUCH to ask that I have some happiness for a change. And the way everyone feels that I should have to settle for this life when I never chose it really gets me down. Being lonely was one major reason for my addiction.

I'm seeing the doctor on the 15th April n they want me to reduce to so I'm gna reduce for sub but how or what is the point when nothing has changed n I'm still gna be the same lonely, bitter person on the outside looking in.
It's taught me one thing for sure. People are selfish and heartful. Out for themselves and what they want. To hell with who is hurting and the pain they are feelingl being stuck at home all the fkn time with the same shitty life being told to suck it up. I know for one I'd never treat people how half my "old friends" treated me. I'd always be there for people and try to help in whatever way I could. I can't understand why others are not that way n are just out for THEM?????

 

[Corazon]

out of food and scared/anxious about going to the grocery store.
I hate this life. Today I've spent all day on the computer trying to not think of my problems. It isn't working and I've accomplished nothing all day.

 

[plmar]

out of food and scared/anxious about going to the grocery store.
I hate this life. Today I've spent all day on the computer trying to not think of my problems. It isn't working and I've accomplished nothing all day.

That's me every day.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Well I'll join you in being anxious once I'm off this med as they so want I'll just go back to my old DOC f it I'm not going back to feeling like I used to for no one.

 

[Papaverium]

Ugh, this is so bunk. Im so close to losing my job if I don't make some phone calls that I've been procrastinating on for like 2 weeks, since my workplace found out about things and made me take a sick leave and I'm forced to find a doctor and have them sign this paper in order to get back to work, I don't have a phone, or any money to use a payphone. I would have money if I could find my wallet, which has the paper I need in it as well., but it's MIA in my house somewhere and I'm wayy too frustrated to even try to look for it. I just wanna give up, lose my job and run away to Vancouver. I hate it here.
If all that crap didn't happen that one week, I'd still be at work.....
WTF am I even doing?? I don't know what to do anymore. Why can't I just up and leave this crap city, and leave this crap job... it might just happen...

and on top of that my cats need food and I can't even go take out money, or skip town with a missing bank card and cats to take care of. I dont need to eat but my cats do!!
maybe i do care.... just enough to stay. Starting to really not give a fuck though.... not sure what to do.
Leave the job im most likely gonna get fired form? run away to Vancouver, for all the wrong reasons.. ugh.....

the stupid thing is, I shouldn't even be complaining because I did this to myself ._.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Ugh, this is so bunk. Im so close to losing my job if I don't make some phone calls that I've been procrastinating on for like 2 weeks, since my workplace found out about things and made me take a sick leave and I'm forced to find a doctor and have them sign this paper in order to get back to work, I don't have a phone, or any money to use a payphone. I would have money if I could find my wallet, which has the paper I need in it as well., but it's MIA in my house somewhere and I'm wayy too frustrated to even try to look for it. I just wanna give up, lose my job and run away to Vancouver. I hate it here.
If all that crap didn't happen that one week, I'd still be at work.....
WTF am I even doing?? I don't know what to do anymore. Why can't I just up and leave this crap city, and leave this crap job... it might just happen...

and on top of that my cats need food and I can't even go take out money, or skip town with a missing bank card and cats to take care of. I dont need to eat but my cats do!!
maybe i do care.... just enough to stay. Starting to really not give a fuck though.... not sure what to do.
Leave the job im most likely gonna get fired form? run away to Vancouver, for all the wrong reasons.. ugh.....

the stupid thing is, I shouldn't even be complaining because I did this to myself ._.

Sorry to hear that. That sucks. I hope things turn around for you xxxx

 

[Papaverium]

Can't turn around, just gotta keep moving forward i guess.... wherever that will lead me...

 

[Eveleivibe]

I'm so extremely angry at myself for the thoughts I've been having tonight. Being jealous of people because they take drugs and all because I'm lonely n want to belong. How pathetic n stupid is that? I shouldn't be thinking that like when I'm a parent I don't know myself anymore.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I'm so fucking sick of bullshit favouritism... I don't give a shit if someone is your friend, if they're a dickhead that causes trouble then they're a problem, plain and simple.

 

[herbavore]

Can't turn around, just gotta keep moving forward i guess.... wherever that will lead me...

Great mental place to be, papaverium. Sometimes getting comfortable with the uncertainty is the strongest position you can take.


@evey--at least you are recognizing your thoughts as not productive. We can't always help having petty thoughts but recognizing them for what they are means not acting on them and that is nothing to sniff at so congrats!

 

[Corazon]

I have done an amazing job overcoming horrible overwhelming adversity. (Assuming I continue to live) I am still going to achieve a level of success where I can be relatively comfortable and happy.

 

[manboychef]

Going back to work today. Going to do a little cooking.