Need Help Unsure of my endgame here

[Myeaaa]

Hi Folks,

I'm not sure what I am really expecting here, but maybe am hoping for a little encouragement as I am in a very confusing and gray place.

Last night I blacked out drinking, which I never have done in my 37 years on this planet. My GF had to come get me from the bar, and I woke up in bed this AM wearing only a t shirt.

My underwear were on the floor, sopping wet, as was the rug under the bed. Apparently I got up to pee at one point, but never actually went to the bathroom. Very strange.

Events like these remind me that I am not well, despite feeling manageable most of the time. I always end up shamefully trying to sort out why I continue to screw things up.

I go back in history looking for answers. I had a very violent childhood in general along with one or two events where I was almost beaten to death.

I was a very handsome kid, and always had exceptionally pretty girlfriends, but I always had "spikes".

One for example, was after discovering cocaine at about the age of 16, having hypersexual tendencies which led to same sex hookups - a dangerous game to be sure. That along with dealing with the trauma afterwards was a full time job.

Cocaine and booze later lead to blasting oxys, though my use was pretty controlled, maybe 30/mg a day for four years or so, taking suffer days often to maintain. I found that using opes allowed me to stop the booze, blow, risky behaviors and chronic depression. Worked incredibly well, but discovered the opes destroyed my sex drive and even the ability for women to be attracted to me. It was always my joke to say as soon as I clean up, I am in a relationship within 30 days or so.

Had a great job, making great money, owned a big house and drove a brand new pickup. I was incredibly lonely though and wanted to find someone. Had the goal of getting clean since I knew that was prerequisite.

2016 hits, my mom loses a toe to diabetes, then discovers she has cancer a month after that, July she dies. I loved my mom deeply, she was my best friend. Six months or so rolls by and I am just starting to get over her death and my dad died randomly while beating off. Funny as that was, it was the final nail in my coffin. I sold my home, quit my job, did drugs like a mother fucker - it was my "fuck it" moment.

Lots of other fucked up shit happens all around me, no need to cover every event, but those years were not so good. Got clean in 2018, and right on schedule met a girl who is amazing and REALLY loves me. Been together now going on five years, lived together for 1.

I relapsed at the end of 2021, this time using those fake blue pressies. Life from there has been going slowly but surely downhill. The lack of willpower I have with those pressies is something to behold - truly magnificent a killer those are. I don't expect to survive another year on these - HAVE to stop before I get one with a bad hotspot and don't wake up.

Did like 25 of them in two days last week, smoked 4gs of brown H in the next three days, that leads me to last night where I drank myself to oblivion.

I don't know where this ends, I was online looking at sub clinics, I have a feeling I won't be able to pull myself out of this one alone. Gf doesn't know of my use, just senses something is off.

The feelings of cynicism, helplessness, anhedonia, and disconnect from her are killing me. This cycle of addiction I know for sure will take me down as well. My family is gone, my brothers are scattered all over the globe, my friends are losing their shit to addiction as well. I am now living with galpal in a small town while she is in nursing school, and am left quietly to myself to suffer through this new life that feels so foreign to me it makes me want to flatten a cab - which I would have done if I didn't believe in an afterlife.

Before it all goes to shit, I am going to make a last stand for sobriety, both for myself and for her. I want to live, I just feel like all the life has been sucked out of me.

Has anyone kicked successfully and stayed in recovery? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

First, I am sorry for everything you have been through. I know it’s not easy to cope with trauma from my own personal experience. I too turned to drugs which of course progressed eventually for me to IV heroin use. I never did get on the fentanyl train. In fact, fentanyl probably helped me get away from iv heroin because you just can’t find heroin where I’m at anymore and I never liked fentanyl. I tried it a handful of times and it just wasn’t the same euphoria as heroin.

I’m any event, I have had multiple bouts of sobriety. The first time I did a rapid taper off heroin with buoe in detox and then went to a 6 month program. That’s just one way to get sober though. The most success I had was when i was on bupe maintenance ( sub clinic) and I had two years at one point. So it’s definitely possible. I mean I was bad on H for years so it really is possible and there are many with worse addiction history that I have met who have been sober for 5 and some for 10 years.

You can get and stay sober if you chose to. It might be challenging at first and always remember sobriety/recovery is rarely a linear path. Though relapse isn’t a requirement of the path to sobriety, it does often occur so if you do relapse please don’t beat yourself up. Just pick yourself back up and try again. You will get there as long as you are alive and you don’t give up and get the “fuck its”.

Social/emotional support is key especially in the early stages of recovery. So coming here was a great idea. We are here if you ever need to talk. That said I would encourage you to talk to your girl about it and tell her the truth about the drugs, not necessarily about your sexual encounters when you were high as a kid although there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just some girlfriends/wives can be kinda insecure especially if you haven’t had a sex drive from opiate use so haven’t been having much sex with her lately. Not saying that’s the case with you. Just a generalization.

So, she seems like the caring type as she is choosing to become a nurse. Usually, people who choose that field (and aren’t burnt out yet) do so because they care about people and want to help them. So I think definitely talk to her about your use and you can tell her the truth without going into too much detail about your trauma so you don’t have to relive it right now. You can just tell her it all started when you started using harder and harder drugs to cope.

She can be an excellent source of support during your recovery. I would also, very highly, suggest seeing a therapist. A good therapist is so helpful and supportive. I was originally court ordered due to a felony charge I caught to see a therapist and was just going thru the motions when I started therapy but what I found was something so valuable and worth every penny. This is especially true as working out trauma is key to sobriety in my experience. Though I am still working on my own in therapy and it’s a long process if you have had alot of traumatic experiences I haven’t used hard drugs in three months and have no inclination to. I do get cravings here and there (tho they were strong in the beginning) I dont act on them. I don’t do sub maintenance anymore. I haven’t for a year. I got off subs because I was on them for 5 years and sometimes I’d end up selling them for stimulants seeing as opiates just didn’t do it for me anymore. So if you go in subs just don’t fall into the pattern that I did and they can be very helpful.

You get a counselor with sub maintenance but in my experience they are often just CDCAs which is just a certification course and they are not well versed enough, lack the education and experience to treat trauma. You want a licensed clinical social worker or an LPC that has experience with trauma and addiction treatment. That’s what you want to look for in a therapist. Psychology today is a great website if you are in the USA. It sounds like you are being that your discussing fentanyl and fake presses. They list their experiences/training/modality and how long they have been practicing. I suggest getting someone with at least 5 year’s experience in the field. I don’t care for CBT therapy. It has some uses but it’s child’s play compared to other forms of therapy. Again, the key words you are looking for in their profile is trauma and addiction treatment. And not all therapists are good therapists just like any field so you want to try them out for a session or two and see if you connect. It’s very important.

With all that said complete sobriety is possible and even encouraged, but it’s rarely a linear path as I said before. I really think suboxone clinic could be a really good thing for you. I was going for complete sobriety but was getting triggered a lot (trauma) and would find myself obsessed with suicidal thoughts so I started taking kratom to help me get out of that headspace. Not ideal but while I work thru trauma and stuff it is more if a harm reduction type thing. It helped me get off the hard drugs. Again, I am not recommending this for you. I think the best thing for you personally is to do the suboxone clinic.

I highly encourage it. If you use suboxone the way it’s prescribed and work on building support in your life, honest and open support, and work through your trauma with a therapist then I can definitely see you having the life that you want free from the pains of the past and the downward spiral of addiction.

My heart goes out to you man and if you ever need someone to talk with I am pretty active here. Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out.

 

[Myeaaa]

Thanks for your reply. I was up all last night since I've got no gear and had to write that out and get it out there. Somehow I have never really acknowledged all that to anyone, even myself perhaps, so that was probably a good first step.

When I kicked in 2018, I kinda just set a goal with the expectation that I would screw up, and eventually I would screw up less and less. Took about 3 months to stop using, but that was Oxy, I was doing about 200mgs a day so not terrible, but very very expensive. Just kicked CT and made sure my relapses were never two days in a row.

She knows I have used drugs in the past, but there isnt one person who knows about the weird sexual stuff, hell I try to forget it. It was like a Jeckyl and Hyde switch, and always ended with me waking up the next day going "did I really do that"....again and again and again. Mindfuck. Obviously for some people this is a normal thing, I call it weird cause it was weird for me.

Will have to see about talking to galpal about it, she is the type (as am I) where somehow the admission of a problem is actually a step backward in solving it - another weird thing. She's knows I have a problem somewhere and is keen to be patient and supportive of me in beating "whatever it is", but can guarantee she would prefer if I solved it without her having to be involved. She's got her own issues and we are active in bringing our best to each other. Works like a charm, we never get in each other's hair, and when we fight it's only about important shit, never about stupid shit or annoying idiosyncracies. If muddying up those waters are where this is going to take me I have my motivation to stop....actually yeah that might be it.

Thank you for the kind words and advice. Means a lot to me sir.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Events like these remind me that I am not well, despite feeling manageable most of the time. I always end up shamefully trying to sort out why I continue to screw things up.

I get this.
I have hit the "self destruct" button many a time and trying my hardest to lose that freakin thing (the button).
Its like a default self preservation to me for some reason. At least that is what I think.
Trying to work this type of thing out is no fun ime and niether is being 100% sober as I have issues.
The shame can be crushing. Guilt of not being there for others mental and physical well being can also be a PITA.
Trying to get a grip on something that may be too big for me but not going to give up until....
It helps when others insights and perspectives are added into the stew. Just my take.
Um....
How long ya been in what I like to call looping around? lol Years? Decades?
I like alcohol and blow when I "loop" (which is becoming less of an issue); what do you prefer may I ask?
Thanks for posting I find it helps personally with introspection and assesments.
Peace

 

[Myeaaa]

Hey thanks for your reply. I am not quite sure what you mean by looping? Yeah of course, happy to post, I've been lurking on BL for years, but haven't posted until this year.

I've had to try and keep things together as long as I can remember. As a kid, I was what people would call a loser, idiot, longer type, etc. I never finished highschool, actually I never started it even.

Despite that, I was fortunate enough to be around some very talented people growing up due to a place I worked and oddly enough after I discovered drugs I kind of came out of my shell and made some pretty stellar accomplishments in the way of my career.

I kinda let that carry me for a long time, I was a top 1% wage-earner by 25 years old (which I think means much less now a days than it did back then - so many ways to make money now) and was into engineering type stuff and made some great accomplishments there.

Am still in that category, so I have the stamp of functional addict, which is kinda detrimental because you never hit rock bottom in the sense of losing everything. I am fine 95% of the time until something like last weekend happens and I realize that I am not fine in any way. Lol

I think if I can short taper out of these pressies and hold it together without boozing for 2 mos I can stay away. Now is about that time.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I think if I can short taper out of these pressies

Those blue pressies.... Do we know what active ingredient is/are?
I have found that dosing bromazolam at 1-2mg a couple times a day will suck out all creativity, energy, drive, inspiration... basically all the symptoms described in your post and add a few broken bones and bruises along with this depression. lol
After dropping doseages fairly drastically I regained a sense of becoming more "me" and have the confidence back to face down some long standing issues.
I would def taper down the usage of said pressies and see if this has any impact in disposition.
Are we talking fake oxy, xannies or...?

ed:
looping is what i describe as being well and doing fine and then fucking it all up with a sudden unexpected binge.

 

[Myeaaa]

Oh, yeah in terms of looping...I mean for the last year it's a binge every day with weekends off.

With booze, blow, acid, shrooms, etc. Something like once a month starting at like age 16, every weekend at worst. I haven't done blow in years now though, probably lending

The blue pressies are some ope analog mixture - who knows what they are now a days. Pretty consistent but sometimes you get one a little stronger which is concerning.

I never got into benzos in a real way, last time I had a script for those - suicidal thoughts were spinning out of control

Again, thanks for sharing.

 

[Myeaaa]

Well, let's see. Day 1 of nada after blasting through 50 or so pressies. I kinda tapered down though the last few days so feel pretty okay. Two gabapentin's and a kratom extract in the morning along with 5HTP to counter the depression, am able to get some work done without a ton of pain or irritation.

About to redose all of it though, the relief from that only last a few hours. Really only need to get through 6 more hours for today and I'll be solid.

Gotta find some way to stay away from the bar this week. I bet I have a weed pen somewhere.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

kratom

I would not recommend using this on its own coming off high doses of benzos but saying that I have found kratom to be an effective tool to combat many a WD including benzos.
Best with this.

 

[Myeaaa]

I wouldn't recommend it for benzos at all...but I'm also not doing benzos either. Not really sure what I'd do with benzos aside from slow taper.

Kratom extracts work really great for ope WD if you know what to buy and have enough money. Can't use them more than a few days though. Been using this method for like 10 years at least and it does the trick to flip me out of a binge/habit without too much pain.

Staying away is the trick now

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Staying away is the trick now

Not so much a trick imo/e as a change of routine and habits. Doenst always work out but helps a great deal.

I wouldn't recommend it for benzos at all...

Kratom?
Why not? I have found it helps with some of the negative effects from dropping benzos a couple times.
Like now... I dosed kratom and do not feel any need or urge to dose my daily benzo yet. I am sure I will dose tonight but for now I am good.
This benzo is not a weak BS substance either and been onnit daily for going on seven months now, fwiw.
Again I would not suggest relying on kratom only if one were to drop a heavy habit but once ya get low enough on plasma levels its great, ime.

 

[Myeaaa]

Well, am still yo-yoing about on this stuff, big part of me is wondering when my degraded work performance is gonna result in a shoe drop for me. Good buddy of mine just got canned yesterday at another company.

I can't believe the sober version of me would look at what I've been doing the last year and be willing to accept the behavior, but I'd probably try to remind myself of who I was without the drugs rather than scold myself.

Maybe that's an exercise I should run through when I am tempted to get more.

Doing fine, hanging in there, I think watching the news and doom scrolling has a lot of to with my use come to think of it. Need to find a way out of that trend.

Oh the old clawing back out of the hole routine, I almost missed you.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Well, am still yo-yoing about on this stuff, big part of me is wondering when my degraded work performance is gonna result in a shoe drop for me. Good buddy of mine just got canned yesterday at another company.

I can't believe the sober version of me would look at what I've been doing the last year and be willing to accept the behavior, but I'd probably try to remind myself of who I was without the drugs rather than scold myself.

Maybe that's an exercise I should run through when I am tempted to get more.

Doing fine, hanging in there, I think watching the news and doom scrolling has a lot of to with my use come to think of it. Need to find a way out of that trend.

Oh the old clawing back out of the hole routine, I almost missed you.

I’ve found that controlling what I allow myself to think about does impact my mood and cravings tremendously. You can’t always control thoughts that come into your mind but we can control how much time and energy we allow ourselves to think about them.

I found that if I allow myself to dwell on things that bring me sadness or pain or anger, if that dwell on them then I will be more likely than not to be depressed or craving to get high to change my mood or things of that nature.

Pro tip: Distraction is your friend in these scenarios. It’s a good beginner way to control your thoughts. If you find yourself thinking too much about something that is causing you sadness or craving then engaging in an activity that takes up your attention will keep you from thinking about those things.

For example, I will play a video game that I really like for hours and then I am not thinking about the things that bring me sadness or cravings. But doesn’t have to be video games, could be exercising, could be hanging out with sober friends, anything that doesnt cause you to think about sadness or craving. The more positive emotion the distraction brings you the better. You may have to force yourself to do it when you are in the negative states but it will get easier as you practice and eventually you will be able to more or less turn off the sadness/cravings looping with much greater ease and less effort.

Since I have learned to do this I haven’t felt suicidal for a very long time and I have had cravings only once or twice since I started doing this verses having suicidal thoughts and cravings daily.

This is just what’s worked for me. Distraction can most definitely be your friend if used correctly.

Best wishes to you man.

 

[Myeaaa]

I’ve found that controlling what I allow myself to think about does impact my mood and cravings tremendously. You can’t always control thoughts that come into your mind but we can control how much time and energy we allow ourselves to think about them.

I found that if I allow myself to dwell on things that bring me sadness or pain or anger, if that dwell on them then I will be more likely than not to be depressed or craving to get high to change my mood or things of that nature.

Pro tip: Distraction is your friend in these scenarios. It’s a good beginner way to control your thoughts. If you find yourself thinking too much about something that is causing you sadness or craving then engaging in an activity that takes up your attention will keep you from thinking about those things.

For example, I will play a video game that I really like for hours and then I am not thinking about the things that bring me sadness or cravings. But doesn’t have to be video games, could be exercising, could be hanging out with sober friends, anything that doesnt cause you to think about sadness or craving. The more positive emotion the distraction brings you the better. You may have to force yourself to do it when you are in the negative states but it will get easier as you practice and eventually you will be able to more or less turn off the sadness/cravings looping with much greater ease and less effort.

Since I have learned to do this I haven’t felt suicidal for a very long time and I have had cravings only once or twice since I started doing this verses having suicidal thoughts and cravings daily.

This is just what’s worked for me. Distraction can most definitely be your friend if used correctly.

Best wishes to you man.

Thanks for the distraction tip. Suicidal thoughts really are not a fun sword to have over your neck. I never really had them but for one year that was incredibly difficult, and boy did I stare down the barrel of that one every day for that year. I somehow never went back into that thought pattern, and I really do believe all these things are thought patterns that manifest to either a positive or negative crescendo. After my best friends wife hung herself for him and his daughter to find in 2020, I had a grave spiritual experience dealing with that - there was some dark shit that lingered there for awhile, and I think it was enough for me to know that's not an option anymore. (I always held it as a failsafe) We all loved her dearly - suicide is actually a powerful demon I am convinced - rational as I am and given scientists don't know their ass from their elbow on these subjects in theory.

I did end up telling the lady about my use, it remains to be seen whether that ends up being positive or negative in the end. She of course was totally supportive and was just like "were getting you out of this mess by hook or by crook".

Lots of weight off my shoulders to have admitted that, though more onto hers. I will have to repay that later by my own account, but for hers she is okay with it. The issue I have found with womenly women is that they like manly men, so the more minimizing the show of weakness the better. I've tried it the egalitarian way with other gals, they end up losing interest, and I end up as a miserable pile of single, lonely mush eventually. I am not a big fan of feeling pathetic - spent too much time in that town in the past. This is as close as I'll come to doing that again. At least I know she's got my back, which is a boost.

I have been rebuilding good habits, working out every day, doing my morning prayer routine, fasting as much as possible, and just trying to stay healthy. Am thinking that planning out upcoming weekends will be the next step. Got a LOT of stuff to catch up on now.

Cravings are still insane, but I get through those a moment at a time - just have to put a hard mechanism in place for it. I have slipped up once or twice but that was fully expected from my experience kicking before.

I appreciate you taking the time to reach out and follow this post. More often than not real support just comes from others out there knowing what you are dealing with, assuring you that you aren't alone.

I ended up kicking via 8 subs week one, 2 week two before slip up (kind of intentional as I wanted to break from sub a couple days so I wouldn't have too many issues with that) and one more I guess week three. Very fast detox based on how strong the RC opioids are. This was around 3x worse than oxy somehow. Sub was gray market.

Today I had four kratoms and two Aleve.

Tomorrow it's Aleve and uhh Theanine serene blend, will continue that until my good habits are back in momentum, and hopefully will be able to stay away from this god awful dragon for the foreseeable future.

Name of the game now? Don't squander your freedom. Have to remind myself of that.

Ps: Confirmed that night I went drinking I was roofied. I probably saved the gal the drink was meant for from being raped, but man that sucked.