Hi Folks,
I'm not sure what I am really expecting here, but maybe am hoping for a little encouragement as I am in a very confusing and gray place.
Last night I blacked out drinking, which I never have done in my 37 years on this planet. My GF had to come get me from the bar, and I woke up in bed this AM wearing only a t shirt.
My underwear were on the floor, sopping wet, as was the rug under the bed. Apparently I got up to pee at one point, but never actually went to the bathroom. Very strange.
Events like these remind me that I am not well, despite feeling manageable most of the time. I always end up shamefully trying to sort out why I continue to screw things up.
I go back in history looking for answers. I had a very violent childhood in general along with one or two events where I was almost beaten to death.
I was a very handsome kid, and always had exceptionally pretty girlfriends, but I always had "spikes".
One for example, was after discovering cocaine at about the age of 16, having hypersexual tendencies which led to same sex hookups - a dangerous game to be sure. That along with dealing with the trauma afterwards was a full time job.
Cocaine and booze later lead to blasting oxys, though my use was pretty controlled, maybe 30/mg a day for four years or so, taking suffer days often to maintain. I found that using opes allowed me to stop the booze, blow, risky behaviors and chronic depression. Worked incredibly well, but discovered the opes destroyed my sex drive and even the ability for women to be attracted to me. It was always my joke to say as soon as I clean up, I am in a relationship within 30 days or so.
Had a great job, making great money, owned a big house and drove a brand new pickup. I was incredibly lonely though and wanted to find someone. Had the goal of getting clean since I knew that was prerequisite.
2016 hits, my mom loses a toe to diabetes, then discovers she has cancer a month after that, July she dies. I loved my mom deeply, she was my best friend. Six months or so rolls by and I am just starting to get over her death and my dad died randomly while beating off. Funny as that was, it was the final nail in my coffin. I sold my home, quit my job, did drugs like a mother fucker - it was my "fuck it" moment.
Lots of other fucked up shit happens all around me, no need to cover every event, but those years were not so good. Got clean in 2018, and right on schedule met a girl who is amazing and REALLY loves me. Been together now going on five years, lived together for 1.
I relapsed at the end of 2021, this time using those fake blue pressies. Life from there has been going slowly but surely downhill. The lack of willpower I have with those pressies is something to behold - truly magnificent a killer those are. I don't expect to survive another year on these - HAVE to stop before I get one with a bad hotspot and don't wake up.
Did like 25 of them in two days last week, smoked 4gs of brown H in the next three days, that leads me to last night where I drank myself to oblivion.
I don't know where this ends, I was online looking at sub clinics, I have a feeling I won't be able to pull myself out of this one alone. Gf doesn't know of my use, just senses something is off.
The feelings of cynicism, helplessness, anhedonia, and disconnect from her are killing me. This cycle of addiction I know for sure will take me down as well. My family is gone, my brothers are scattered all over the globe, my friends are losing their shit to addiction as well. I am now living with galpal in a small town while she is in nursing school, and am left quietly to myself to suffer through this new life that feels so foreign to me it makes me want to flatten a cab - which I would have done if I didn't believe in an afterlife.
Before it all goes to shit, I am going to make a last stand for sobriety, both for myself and for her. I want to live, I just feel like all the life has been sucked out of me.
Has anyone kicked successfully and stayed in recovery? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
I'm not sure what I am really expecting here, but maybe am hoping for a little encouragement as I am in a very confusing and gray place.
Last night I blacked out drinking, which I never have done in my 37 years on this planet. My GF had to come get me from the bar, and I woke up in bed this AM wearing only a t shirt.
My underwear were on the floor, sopping wet, as was the rug under the bed. Apparently I got up to pee at one point, but never actually went to the bathroom. Very strange.
Events like these remind me that I am not well, despite feeling manageable most of the time. I always end up shamefully trying to sort out why I continue to screw things up.
I go back in history looking for answers. I had a very violent childhood in general along with one or two events where I was almost beaten to death.
I was a very handsome kid, and always had exceptionally pretty girlfriends, but I always had "spikes".
One for example, was after discovering cocaine at about the age of 16, having hypersexual tendencies which led to same sex hookups - a dangerous game to be sure. That along with dealing with the trauma afterwards was a full time job.
Cocaine and booze later lead to blasting oxys, though my use was pretty controlled, maybe 30/mg a day for four years or so, taking suffer days often to maintain. I found that using opes allowed me to stop the booze, blow, risky behaviors and chronic depression. Worked incredibly well, but discovered the opes destroyed my sex drive and even the ability for women to be attracted to me. It was always my joke to say as soon as I clean up, I am in a relationship within 30 days or so.
Had a great job, making great money, owned a big house and drove a brand new pickup. I was incredibly lonely though and wanted to find someone. Had the goal of getting clean since I knew that was prerequisite.
2016 hits, my mom loses a toe to diabetes, then discovers she has cancer a month after that, July she dies. I loved my mom deeply, she was my best friend. Six months or so rolls by and I am just starting to get over her death and my dad died randomly while beating off. Funny as that was, it was the final nail in my coffin. I sold my home, quit my job, did drugs like a mother fucker - it was my "fuck it" moment.
Lots of other fucked up shit happens all around me, no need to cover every event, but those years were not so good. Got clean in 2018, and right on schedule met a girl who is amazing and REALLY loves me. Been together now going on five years, lived together for 1.
I relapsed at the end of 2021, this time using those fake blue pressies. Life from there has been going slowly but surely downhill. The lack of willpower I have with those pressies is something to behold - truly magnificent a killer those are. I don't expect to survive another year on these - HAVE to stop before I get one with a bad hotspot and don't wake up.
Did like 25 of them in two days last week, smoked 4gs of brown H in the next three days, that leads me to last night where I drank myself to oblivion.
I don't know where this ends, I was online looking at sub clinics, I have a feeling I won't be able to pull myself out of this one alone. Gf doesn't know of my use, just senses something is off.
The feelings of cynicism, helplessness, anhedonia, and disconnect from her are killing me. This cycle of addiction I know for sure will take me down as well. My family is gone, my brothers are scattered all over the globe, my friends are losing their shit to addiction as well. I am now living with galpal in a small town while she is in nursing school, and am left quietly to myself to suffer through this new life that feels so foreign to me it makes me want to flatten a cab - which I would have done if I didn't believe in an afterlife.
Before it all goes to shit, I am going to make a last stand for sobriety, both for myself and for her. I want to live, I just feel like all the life has been sucked out of me.
Has anyone kicked successfully and stayed in recovery? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.