Tumbling Down Thunder Road

[Hannah Capps]

Being a female with autism seemingly ‘having it all together’ but truthfully a lifetime of social crisis mode.

I was interviewed for tropical smoothie in the summer of 2008. The interview was very informal, I recall arriving ten minutes beforehand and requesting to talk with the manager. Clawing through my skin I aced the interview.

After being hired, explaining my autism to the tune of ‘and how does this affect what you are doing?’ Working diligently efficiently and as accurately as possible. Coming to work I’d wipe down the back kitchen preparation areas and made sure everything needed was accessible.

Going the extra mile not understanding the concept of ‘workplace culture’ reasoning business was simply about coming in, executing required tasks, fulfilling orders, producing smoothies, etc.

Often asked to clean bathrooms, I’d stay after my shift to mop floors, wipe down tables, stack chairs and lock up all without complaint. A few coworkers had an issue with me (now realizing this in hindsight.) Repeatedly mentioning autism when a mistake was made only to be harshly criticized, feeling very small and unimportant. I shied away from speaking at all knowing something was ‘off.’

Nevertheless one coworker displayed kindness assisting me with smoothie recipes, how to best and most efficiently make sandwiches what to have on hand and how to become better at what I was doing.

As August came to a close I was told there would be an ‘intervention’ the following day. I was stunned and internally slack-jawed. The following morning I perceived something was awry.

The manager who hired me wasn’t present but the coworker who appreciated me was. Sitting across from her I wanted to crawl out of my skin and gag. She was put in an awkward position and looked very uncomfortable. I was told that I was being fired because I was ‘too slow’ in preparing food and smoothies. My stomach sank, I sat numbly and asked for further clarification to which I didn’t receive.

Gathering my last paycheck and asking to speak with the manager of whom wasn’t available. I never saw him again, he refused to speak with me and tell me why I was being terminated. No one had an answer for me, just a feeling of ‘don’t let the door slap you on the way out.’

Refusing to explain why I was terminated I ran out to my car with reflexive sobs splitting my chest in half. From that point forward I decided disclosing autism wasn’t in my best interests.

 

[FixXxer]

I wish some people were more understanding... hug

 

[Hannah Capps]

I wish some people were more understanding... hug

Thanks

 

[December Flower]

I knew I felt a rapport.
I'm autistic, too, and I have been looked down upon by many people at work. I don't understand all the jokes, or why they are being told, I don't join in the banter, I do my work and want to be left alone, but others always seem to feel uneasy about that.

The first time I was fired, I got a similar reason like you. "My work wasn't enough" - my work was meticulously perfect, I knew my work was perfect. In the end I deduced that it was because my behaviour is so "anti social", and they just didn't want to say that to my face. I feel that many "normal" people just feel uneasy around us. It's always something like "would it hurt you to smile?" - I never saw reason in moving my face muscles to express happiness. I do smile now, but it's just a mask. Much better results in social situations though.

Hang in there, you can find a great job. There's many professions that would profit from a mind working like ours. It's just not jobs that require too much social activity, sadly I'm really happy with my new job. I'm one of the owners, but basically all I do is take care of plants. It's really serene. Plants are my favourite lifeforms, they just need water and light.

 

[FixXxer]

The first time I was fired, I got a similar reason like you. "My work wasn't enough" - my work was meticulously perfect, I knew my work was perfect. In the end I deduced that it was because my behaviour is so "anti social", and they just didn't want to say that to my face.

I feel like I have been let go of from jobs for this reason in my past as well. I am not autistic, but I never go to the doctor to get tested.

The way I work is very similar to your description in that I'm there to work -- not socialize.
As such I have a harder time fitting in with "the crowd" sometimes.
When it is time for seasonal layoffs, it's usually the bosses' favourites or friends that stay working.
Did not seem to matter how much more, or better work I may have done compared to them.
Ultimately, I would rather not work in such an atmosphere anyway.

 

[December Flower]

I feel like I have been let go of from jobs for this reason in my past as well. I am not autistic, but I never go to the doctor to get tested.

The way I work is very similar to your description in that I'm there to work -- not socialize.
As such I have a harder time fitting in with "the crowd" sometimes.
When it is time for seasonal layoffs, it's usually the bosses' favourites or friends that stay working.

Warning: Wall of text.
If you're interested in knowing, I've written down my own experience,
maybe you can come to a conclusion about yourself

Spoiler

I always say: If you ever felt a sensory overload, you know it.
Autists have very sensitive sensors. If you feel like information is trying to beat the shit out of you with a sledgehammer once you enter a city or a danceclub, you're pretty much there. But some are much less sensitive than I, so I cannot speak for that experience. My mind is an information sponge and it needs all the information.

It's pretty tricky to diagnose if it's a weaker form of Autism like Aspergers, which is what I have. One of the biggest telltale signs is an absolute fascination about a particular subject, for me this is music and frequency. Everything I do is governed by frequency, I can not un-rhythmically do something, it's just not in the cards. I've worked as a freelance musician since I was a teen. Music/Frequency is the essence of my life. If I went deaf I would probably have to end my life, because I can't be calm without hearing a clock ticking, or at the very least some sort of rhythm or singing.

Most Autists are very direct in nature, but some have a fable for words, and do lots of puns and metaphors like @Hannah Capps . Words are a major weapon, and once you learn how to wield them, they are just an amazing tool of expression. I just love them because they are rhythmic :D
But we can often just blurt out something that's absolutely off-key. I've "killed the mood" at the dinner table dozens of times by asking inappropriate questions, because they popped into my head at the time.

We're also very precise about what we do. I know exactly how many ml of water I'm giving my plants. I just know it, there's 0 doubt, I tested it a multitude of times. This is the same when I'm doing music, especially the piano. I have incredible muscle memory, have to pat my own shoulder here, and can dig out pieces I haven't played in over 10 years, play them without really knowing how the piece went, but my hands just move the right way.
Other than that..there's usually ticks, something you do to stimulate yourself. Some bite nails, tip their feet/fingers(mine), hum, hop, clap, snap their fingers, wag their head, pull their hair, I've seen many different ticks in my life.

The "anti social" behaviour is not truly anti-social. It's more being overwhelmed by social contact. There's so many possibilities, and so many different individuals and thoughts involved that it makes me uneasy to try and adjust. Neurotypicals have a natural way of feeling morphogenetic fields and therefore feeling the emotions of others. This is something Autists do not naturally have, but it can be trained, by carefully watching others. Since I have abused MDMA in my early adult years, I am very attuned to these electromagnetic waves, and can very precisely tell how someone is feeling. The first time I took it was an eye-opener. This is not a suggestion to take anything, just an account that it helped me make some connections in my brain. Every brain is different, and some Autists might panic if they do this. I microdosed at the start.

I hope this was an accurate description. This is ofc mostly only taken from my own experience, there are many different forms of Autism. If you show some or all of this behaviour, you might want to know for sure, but honestly, there's never much to do but adjusting to life, like everybody else does.

 

[FixXxer]

Warning: Wall of text.
If you're interested in knowing, I've written down my own experience,
maybe you can come to a conclusion about yourself

Spoiler

I always say: If you ever felt a sensory overload, you know it.
Autists have very sensitive sensors. If you feel like information is trying to beat the shit out of you with a sledgehammer once you enter a city or a danceclub, you're pretty much there. But some are much less sensitive than I, so I cannot speak for that experience. My mind is an information sponge and it needs all the information.

It's pretty tricky to diagnose if it's a weaker form of Autism like Aspergers, which is what I have. One of the biggest telltale signs is an absolute fascination about a particular subject, for me this is music and frequency. Everything I do is governed by frequency, I can not un-rhythmically do something, it's just not in the cards. I've worked as a freelance musician since I was a teen. Music/Frequency is the essence of my life. If I went deaf I would probably have to end my life, because I can't be calm without hearing a clock ticking, or at the very least some sort of rhythm or singing.

Most Autists are very direct in nature, but some have a fable for words, and do lots of puns and metaphors like @Hannah Capps . Words are a major weapon, and once you learn how to wield them, they are just an amazing tool of expression. I just love them because they are rhythmic :D
But we can often just blurt out something that's absolutely off-key. I've "killed the mood" at the dinner table dozens of times by asking inappropriate questions, because they popped into my head at the time.

We're also very precise about what we do. I know exactly how many ml of water I'm giving my plants. I just know it, there's 0 doubt, I tested it a multitude of times. This is the same when I'm doing music, especially the piano. I have incredible muscle memory, have to pat my own shoulder here, and can dig out pieces I haven't played in over 10 years, play them without really knowing how the piece went, but my hands just move the right way.
Other than that..there's usually ticks, something you do to stimulate yourself. Some bite nails, tip their feet/fingers(mine), hum, hop, clap, snap their fingers, wag their head, pull their hair, I've seen many different ticks in my life.

The "anti social" behaviour is not truly anti-social. It's more being overwhelmed by social contact. There's so many possibilities, and so many different individuals and thoughts involved that it makes me uneasy to try and adjust. Neurotypicals have a natural way of feeling morphogenetic fields and therefore feeling the emotions of others. This is something Autists do not naturally have, but it can be trained, by carefully watching others. Since I have abused MDMA in my early adult years, I am very attuned to these electromagnetic waves, and can very precisely tell how someone is feeling. The first time I took it was an eye-opener. This is not a suggestion to take anything, just an account that it helped me make some connections in my brain. Every brain is different, and some Autists might panic if they do this. I microdosed at the start.

I hope this was an accurate description. This is ofc mostly only taken from my own experience, there are many different forms of Autism. If you show some or all of this behaviour, you might want to know for sure, but honestly, there's never much to do but adjusting to life, like everybody else does.

I had the same effect from MDMA, I definetly get overwhelmed but "many unknown eyes" in a room.
I am not very precise in what i do in all ways as i like to leave things open to others' own interpretation rather than to be forceful, but i do try to be precise in doing so. I do however, like being understood when i speak mostly, and will reiterate things several times to make sure you get it.
I only have muscle memory like that for things I have done many many times and should.
I sometimes chew my finger cuticles, but i will stop for long periods of time.
I am very ryhthmic as well, even in the way i move my body when walking or playing sports.
Music brings me to tears without even trying many times. Very sensitive there.

Feel like some of it is the same, but definitely not all. I was a step father of a child with Asperger's for many years, part of it may have been learned through my highly empathetic nature.. I tend to become like people I spend time with in ways that I like about them.