monsterman
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2007
- Messages
- 26
Hey everyone,
Havent posted on here for a few years but could use some advice or even some insight into whats going on with me.
Long story short i started using drugs and alcohol fairly regularly from about 17 - 23 (im 25). I smoked alot of weed, took pills, acid, dmt, mushrooms, opiates, cocaine. Whatever i could get my hands on basically. My parents have a long history of drug abuse if that means anything. Anyway i managed to stop taking everything and barely even drink these days and have been completely sober for about 2 years. I moved to a new state and started a new career.
I have been with my girlfriend for 9 months and love her alot. We have been living together for nearly 3 months. We have sex at least once a day if not more and some weekends will have sex all day and night. I find the sex fulfilling but the last month or so i have found myself looking for more excitement or some kind of rush from sex. I miss that massive dopamine hit i would get from being high and having a one night stand or meeting up with people online to have sex or going to the strippers and just playing out my own kinky fantasies. A part of me really is drawn to that seedier side of sexuality and life (brothels, sex clubs/shops, etc) and i dont know why. I guess it makes me feel bad or dirty and adds some kind of excitement to the whole thing. I get off more on the whole process of seeking out sex online either paid or unpaid then i do from the actual orgasm. It reminds me of the feeling of going to pick up drugs and just that electric excitement i would feel knowing i would be feeling high soon.
I havent cheated on my partner and i will not but i have found myself thinking about it more and more and entertaining the idea of seeing an escort and just experimenting with different types of sex (bdsm, group sex, public, trannys, etc). I just have this insatiable appetite to fuck everything. I will watch porn 3 or 4 times a day (im on holidays) and then have sex 2 or 3 times with my girlfriend at night all while wanting more. I have an extremely physical job and i workout once or twice a day 5 days a week so i am always exhausted but i cant say no to sex.
What the fuck am i chasing or running from? I feel like i am just white knuckling not using drugs and being a complete man whore to save my relationship and career when all i want is to be completely wild and promiscuous. I know i cant live like that and its a fantasy but its a strong urge to live the life of excess.
Can anyone relate or shed some light on what the hell i am experiencing? Only thing i can think of is that im addicted to the rush of dopamine i get from these activities combined with my addictive personality (im also a workaholic, fitness addict) and nihilistic worldview making for a huge appetite for destruction :/
Havent posted on here for a few years but could use some advice or even some insight into whats going on with me.
Long story short i started using drugs and alcohol fairly regularly from about 17 - 23 (im 25). I smoked alot of weed, took pills, acid, dmt, mushrooms, opiates, cocaine. Whatever i could get my hands on basically. My parents have a long history of drug abuse if that means anything. Anyway i managed to stop taking everything and barely even drink these days and have been completely sober for about 2 years. I moved to a new state and started a new career.
I have been with my girlfriend for 9 months and love her alot. We have been living together for nearly 3 months. We have sex at least once a day if not more and some weekends will have sex all day and night. I find the sex fulfilling but the last month or so i have found myself looking for more excitement or some kind of rush from sex. I miss that massive dopamine hit i would get from being high and having a one night stand or meeting up with people online to have sex or going to the strippers and just playing out my own kinky fantasies. A part of me really is drawn to that seedier side of sexuality and life (brothels, sex clubs/shops, etc) and i dont know why. I guess it makes me feel bad or dirty and adds some kind of excitement to the whole thing. I get off more on the whole process of seeking out sex online either paid or unpaid then i do from the actual orgasm. It reminds me of the feeling of going to pick up drugs and just that electric excitement i would feel knowing i would be feeling high soon.
I havent cheated on my partner and i will not but i have found myself thinking about it more and more and entertaining the idea of seeing an escort and just experimenting with different types of sex (bdsm, group sex, public, trannys, etc). I just have this insatiable appetite to fuck everything. I will watch porn 3 or 4 times a day (im on holidays) and then have sex 2 or 3 times with my girlfriend at night all while wanting more. I have an extremely physical job and i workout once or twice a day 5 days a week so i am always exhausted but i cant say no to sex.
What the fuck am i chasing or running from? I feel like i am just white knuckling not using drugs and being a complete man whore to save my relationship and career when all i want is to be completely wild and promiscuous. I know i cant live like that and its a fantasy but its a strong urge to live the life of excess.
Can anyone relate or shed some light on what the hell i am experiencing? Only thing i can think of is that im addicted to the rush of dopamine i get from these activities combined with my addictive personality (im also a workaholic, fitness addict) and nihilistic worldview making for a huge appetite for destruction :/