zolpidemories
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2022
- Messages
- 9
i am taking up to 60-80 mg methylphenidate daily with my methadone dosage dropping every month, next step is next week going from 50 to 45, well the equivalent since i am on levomethadone which is half that in dosage, my girlfriend is in another country, she left after i ended up in the mental hospital and she ended up in withdrawal ... have seen her not to long ago after 6-7 months we talked about moving back in together i felt great like at the beginning of a new relationship but with this person i have been with and loved for 6-7 years.... i found an apartment, she was supposed to pay for half of the deposit and i could not get ahold of her exactly that week, whole plan went to shit i started abusing benzos again and pouring methylphenidate on top... thought she would be gone for good but came bac and explained that she got very sick and didnt know how to explain things to me since i am a little paranoid so she chose to tell me at a later date that it had nothing to do with the apartment or moving in together it was just her being ill...she even told me she would front the money beforehand for a next apartment i find, anyway i am in a shitty situation living in my parents hallway on a mattress and too sick from withdrawal and abuse to find a job, takes me 4 hours just to get to a semi normal state of being... i used to have my own business and this girl i loved by my side, never-mind the morphine addiction (gram a day) but it all blew up, and i dont really know how to put the peaces back together, i dont know if i can trust this person i love that tells me she loves me too but acts more and more like a stranger and i have a feeling i am being replaced my methadone tapper has gotten to the point where i can barely sleep and i get very paranoid and instead of focusing on starting a new way to create income i have all these dark thoughts in my mind, jealousy and other impairing mental patterns, snorting methylphenidate line after line and popping clonazepam like skittles again .... and i still cant sleep, new doctor changed my benzos from clonazepam to oxazepam and told me she wont lower my methadone until i am clean of benzos, i was eating a gram of pregabalin a day, i cut that down to 300mg once daily....at least that... this girl is lying to me, but she also acts supportive and like she is trying ... whenever a sensitive subject comes up she somehow manages to sneakily change the subject and not really answer the question... she told me there isn't anyone else, and that im the only person she can be with but i just feel like this is not true, and its fucking killing me... i have been planning for two for the past few months since we first started talking about moving back in together ... and i also get the feeling that this wont happen, i have sacrificed so much time and energy to make things work out and i feel its for nothing..... i need a place to move to asap and i need to be clean of opiates asap so im not stuck in programs that offer the drug and have to plan anything according to doctors, cant move to other countries where i found good jobs because no support for opiate addicts there .... i dont know i just feel like everything i try to build gets knocked down and every chance of something good happening turns out to be a miss and every introspection is hurtful because im either going insane or im losing somebody that really means a lot to me.... a crash off this dosage of methylphenidate after a couple of months will be absolute hell, and i have been taking much more than i can afford to, specially this month (prescription wise, how many i have per month) meaning i will run out before i can get my new scrips and my methadone dosage dropped and i am just waiting for a chemical shit storm alongside withdrawal symptoms and probably heartbreak to top it all off.... stupidity of it all is since i planned for 2 i ignored my choices if i remain alone, which left me no choice to move back to my home country since i rented that flat (they have a methadone program there but its a pain in the ass to get into) but still could have lived there... but chose, together with her to rent the flat there to pay for rent here, she said she would do the same with her own flat...that did not happen ....so my only choice would be moving back with her, she gave it as an option, but if i am not paranoid and insane and my intuition about being on the verge of losing her is correct then i will not have this choice since i will probably not even be able to communicate with her ... cant really eat, lost a lot of weight ... i feel either euphoric or like absolute dog shit ... been at least trying to use my adhd meds to actually concentrate and get some side hustles going on, crypto, my own web3 site, trying to freelance, learn solidity to work on smart contracts and web 3 dapps offering services to others... but at the rate my self destruction combined with my need to get off opiates collide and my feelings being either stupidly hurt because of coincidental things that get another meaning because of my lack of sleep and unstable mind or really getting destroyed while i observe, cant do anything about it and i cant even tell if i can trust my brain .... damn....sorry for the rant, i have no idea if its dark enough to be in the dark side but if it helps i do visualise things like jumping in front of trains and then mentally slap myself for thinking about such things because no matter what, i could not do that to my family and few close friends that i am thankful i still have ... so i am not a suicidal individual, i just imagine scenarios sometimes. Still believe i am unlucky for being born though.... that one sperm that made it .... into this fucked up world, to experience how nothing positive survives, how everything dies and how we have to hurt ourselves in various ways to experience pleasant feelings ... and as time passes quicker, we get older and closer to the end we realise moments we should have cherished more, mistakes that could have been avoided and changed our lives, crossroads with question-marks, that still come up.... and im still ranting .... i will stop here... been also eating zolpidem with methylphenidate and clonazepam so excuse my mistakes or maybe confusing to follow train of thought. Really second guessing posting this ...