Meds toxic chemicals, toxic relationships, looking for way out

[zolpidemories]

i am taking up to 60-80 mg methylphenidate daily with my methadone dosage dropping every month, next step is next week going from 50 to 45, well the equivalent since i am on levomethadone which is half that in dosage, my girlfriend is in another country, she left after i ended up in the mental hospital and she ended up in withdrawal ... have seen her not to long ago after 6-7 months we talked about moving back in together i felt great like at the beginning of a new relationship but with this person i have been with and loved for 6-7 years.... i found an apartment, she was supposed to pay for half of the deposit and i could not get ahold of her exactly that week, whole plan went to shit i started abusing benzos again and pouring methylphenidate on top... thought she would be gone for good but came bac and explained that she got very sick and didnt know how to explain things to me since i am a little paranoid so she chose to tell me at a later date that it had nothing to do with the apartment or moving in together it was just her being ill...she even told me she would front the money beforehand for a next apartment i find, anyway i am in a shitty situation living in my parents hallway on a mattress and too sick from withdrawal and abuse to find a job, takes me 4 hours just to get to a semi normal state of being... i used to have my own business and this girl i loved by my side, never-mind the morphine addiction (gram a day) but it all blew up, and i dont really know how to put the peaces back together, i dont know if i can trust this person i love that tells me she loves me too but acts more and more like a stranger and i have a feeling i am being replaced my methadone tapper has gotten to the point where i can barely sleep and i get very paranoid and instead of focusing on starting a new way to create income i have all these dark thoughts in my mind, jealousy and other impairing mental patterns, snorting methylphenidate line after line and popping clonazepam like skittles again .... and i still cant sleep, new doctor changed my benzos from clonazepam to oxazepam and told me she wont lower my methadone until i am clean of benzos, i was eating a gram of pregabalin a day, i cut that down to 300mg once daily....at least that... this girl is lying to me, but she also acts supportive and like she is trying ... whenever a sensitive subject comes up she somehow manages to sneakily change the subject and not really answer the question... she told me there isn't anyone else, and that im the only person she can be with but i just feel like this is not true, and its fucking killing me... i have been planning for two for the past few months since we first started talking about moving back in together ... and i also get the feeling that this wont happen, i have sacrificed so much time and energy to make things work out and i feel its for nothing..... i need a place to move to asap and i need to be clean of opiates asap so im not stuck in programs that offer the drug and have to plan anything according to doctors, cant move to other countries where i found good jobs because no support for opiate addicts there .... i dont know i just feel like everything i try to build gets knocked down and every chance of something good happening turns out to be a miss and every introspection is hurtful because im either going insane or im losing somebody that really means a lot to me.... a crash off this dosage of methylphenidate after a couple of months will be absolute hell, and i have been taking much more than i can afford to, specially this month (prescription wise, how many i have per month) meaning i will run out before i can get my new scrips and my methadone dosage dropped and i am just waiting for a chemical shit storm alongside withdrawal symptoms and probably heartbreak to top it all off.... stupidity of it all is since i planned for 2 i ignored my choices if i remain alone, which left me no choice to move back to my home country since i rented that flat (they have a methadone program there but its a pain in the ass to get into) but still could have lived there... but chose, together with her to rent the flat there to pay for rent here, she said she would do the same with her own flat...that did not happen ....so my only choice would be moving back with her, she gave it as an option, but if i am not paranoid and insane and my intuition about being on the verge of losing her is correct then i will not have this choice since i will probably not even be able to communicate with her ... cant really eat, lost a lot of weight ... i feel either euphoric or like absolute dog shit ... been at least trying to use my adhd meds to actually concentrate and get some side hustles going on, crypto, my own web3 site, trying to freelance, learn solidity to work on smart contracts and web 3 dapps offering services to others... but at the rate my self destruction combined with my need to get off opiates collide and my feelings being either stupidly hurt because of coincidental things that get another meaning because of my lack of sleep and unstable mind or really getting destroyed while i observe, cant do anything about it and i cant even tell if i can trust my brain .... damn....sorry for the rant, i have no idea if its dark enough to be in the dark side but if it helps i do visualise things like jumping in front of trains and then mentally slap myself for thinking about such things because no matter what, i could not do that to my family and few close friends that i am thankful i still have ... so i am not a suicidal individual, i just imagine scenarios sometimes. Still believe i am unlucky for being born though.... that one sperm that made it .... into this fucked up world, to experience how nothing positive survives, how everything dies and how we have to hurt ourselves in various ways to experience pleasant feelings ... and as time passes quicker, we get older and closer to the end we realise moments we should have cherished more, mistakes that could have been avoided and changed our lives, crossroads with question-marks, that still come up.... and im still ranting .... i will stop here... been also eating zolpidem with methylphenidate and clonazepam so excuse my mistakes or maybe confusing to follow train of thought. Really second guessing posting this ...

 

[cdin]

Hey man! Glad you're here and posting. That is a lot on one plate.

So - for one - stimulants and benzos around the clock will make anyone in a bad situation feel so much crazier.
I strongly suggest putting down everything you can and focusing on getting out of this hole.
IME, you have to do these things one at a time, leave the others stable and do it systematically. In my experience, the scattershot approach ends with wild rebounds of all kinds and never finding any place of stability in taper.

Identify the ones that will be easiest to quit and proceed down the list. Hopefully, you do not have a full-blown dependency on benzos or pregabalin. If that were the case, I would drop the stims, then the benzos and pregabalin and have all of my energy available to focus on the rest of the methadone taper.

... as to the relationship stuff --- Reading through your post (please, in the future - you seem to be paranoid, losing weight, in and out of institutional setting for said paranoia (which I'm sure bleeds over into your living situations and relationships, how could it not if it is that severe?),
a history of really severe drug abuse and it doesn't sound like to me you have really made it off them to stability -- morphine to methadone, mental institutions --
I have been in similar positions in relationships.

They all ended, and I felt distraught and abandoned when they did. But looking back, I can see that I was on a highly taxing path of self-destruction, and it wasn't that there were "other people" in my partner's life. It was that my own behavior and self-management were so out of hand that no average person could handle the heat of dealing with my mess, and I don't blame them.

There's a reason why NA/AA recommend no relationships during the first few years of getting sober. Having another person in the picture, especially if they use, makes relapse more possible - gives you a reason to look somewhere but yourself for problems and solutions - and puts you at the mercy of your thoughts about the partner or their actions. All of this does not serve the purpose of seriously getting down to managing yourself.

To be a desirable person to yourself, this person, or future partners, you must have some hold on your habits and behaviors or deal with very sick/predatory partners who don't mind someone in such a compromised state. I know it sucks on the floor, in your parents flat, and there's a lot to think about with this other person... I would take this relatively stable opportunity and put everything out of my mind except getting myself better, starting with whichever Rx/habit was the least stable/least entrenched. I would stop the stims asap, as they are the lowest impact. Hopefully, you are not super habituated to the benzos/pregabalin/GABA agents in general... if you are not, I would get off those as soon as I could to avoid the long-term withdrawals, which frankly make opioid withdrawal look easy in comparison.

You seem intelligent, and I think you have much life to look forward to. If I were in this situation, I would focus on myself, excluding other concerns. Getting off the drugs and onto a good diet, exercise, a therapy process/some meditation or martial arts, and a period without drugs as a primary focus.

I think you can achieve this, and when you do, you will start finding the kind of interactions and intimacy that you are looking for, and I think it will be much healthier for yourself and the person/s you end up with being a partner to. Just my .02.

one last thing - try breaking up your post into paragraphs next time, it will make it much easier for other folks to respond and assist.

I Hope you are well. Feel free to come learn about turning this situation around, how to manage tapers etc. at Health and Recovery - if you feel so inclined

 

[Jen X]

It's already been said but a relationship isn't good now. I know you care for her but you have to get yourself well.

A couple years ago I ended up in an awful toxic relationship. My methadone doctor at the time said I should wait,my dad was dying , I was just clean etc..
I didn't listen and when dad died my narcissistic bf was angry I got so upset. He was doing drugs and other shit behind my back. It along with other things led to my relapse but I relapsed to fentanyl.

I should have listened. I spent thousands, almost died. Now I'm sober and I have no plans to date anyone until my taper is over and I'm not craving dope.

It does get better. Try to stop the drugs and deal with sleeping at your folks for a bit. It's the best place to be if they are not using.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

A lot going on here, in my opinion.
Agreed that any all stim use be tapered/ceseased as soon as possible. These stims arent what they were decades ago and create a loop of use until we fall into a psychosis of sorts which just ratches up other issues from no sleep or piss poor sleep (non helpful) when we dive into benzos or other drugs to come down and try to rest.
To repeat some above posts; take this one step at a time. If recovery is indeed the end game here be as easy on yourself as possible but def create a rigid hold on where you wanna be at some point and be strong in gaining ground.
Dont blame others if there is a lapse... it only compounds issues, IME.
ATM I am beating myself to death for some decisions I made and feel I am slipping away from a previous state of confidence in sustaining a healthy, stable and safe environment for those I care for.
Not giving up but shit has just taken a sharp turn and I need to focus on what I need to do to get it all back on track... and will if the power resides within me. I can only stare into the pit of darkness so long before deciding on a valid option that can shed some light on environs.
Patience, being open minded, knowing that over half a century has past and still here we are, knowing we have ups and downs and being staltwart are some decent components of existing even when we dont feel them.
We have to start somewhere if we want a change. We only need to find our footing and hope that the next step is the one that brings more optimism.
Life fuckin sucks. lol Hasnt always been so but seeing it through soberish eyes has honed a focus that I have never seen before and now just need to figure out what to do with this.
Yeah it took decades to get where I have ended up and it seems to be not much different than where
I started but the destruction of what I held dear has become my only hope of redemption by trying my damnedest to reverse the damage done and live for others or at least make their lives more "comfortable" or at ease.
Maybe it is all BS in the end but I see no other way to create a better life as painful as it may be to reconcile all these paradoxes (a word i am stuck on).
If it helps at all I am in a bad place and been there for a while. Others are in worse predicaments and this is where I gain when digging out of my hole.

 

[zolpidemories]

Hey man! Glad you're here and posting. That is a lot on one plate.

So - for one - stimulants and benzos around the clock will make anyone in a bad situation feel so much crazier.
I strongly suggest putting down everything you can and focusing on getting out of this hole.
IME, you have to do these things one at a time, leave the others stable and do it systematically. In my experience, the scattershot approach ends with wild rebounds of all kinds and never finding any place of stability in taper.

Identify the ones that will be easiest to quit and proceed down the list. Hopefully, you do not have a full-blown dependency on benzos or pregabalin. If that were the case, I would drop the stims, then the benzos and pregabalin and have all of my energy available to focus on the rest of the methadone taper.

... as to the relationship stuff --- Reading through your post (please, in the future - you seem to be paranoid, losing weight, in and out of institutional setting for said paranoia (which I'm sure bleeds over into your living situations and relationships, how could it not if it is that severe?),
a history of really severe drug abuse and it doesn't sound like to me you have really made it off them to stability -- morphine to methadone, mental institutions --
I have been in similar positions in relationships.

They all ended, and I felt distraught and abandoned when they did. But looking back, I can see that I was on a highly taxing path of self-destruction, and it wasn't that there were "other people" in my partner's life. It was that my own behavior and self-management were so out of hand that no average person could handle the heat of dealing with my mess, and I don't blame them.

There's a reason why NA/AA recommend no relationships during the first few years of getting sober. Having another person in the picture, especially if they use, makes relapse more possible - gives you a reason to look somewhere but yourself for problems and solutions - and puts you at the mercy of your thoughts about the partner or their actions. All of this does not serve the purpose of seriously getting down to managing yourself.

To be a desirable person to yourself, this person, or future partners, you must have some hold on your habits and behaviors or deal with very sick/predatory partners who don't mind someone in such a compromised state. I know it sucks on the floor, in your parents flat, and there's a lot to think about with this other person... I would take this relatively stable opportunity and put everything out of my mind except getting myself better, starting with whichever Rx/habit was the least stable/least entrenched. I would stop the stims asap, as they are the lowest impact. Hopefully, you are not super habituated to the benzos/pregabalin/GABA agents in general... if you are not, I would get off those as soon as I could to avoid the long-term withdrawals, which frankly make opioid withdrawal look easy in comparison.

You seem intelligent, and I think you have much life to look forward to. If I were in this situation, I would focus on myself, excluding other concerns. Getting off the drugs and onto a good diet, exercise, a therapy process/some meditation or martial arts, and a period without drugs as a primary focus.

I think you can achieve this, and when you do, you will start finding the kind of interactions and intimacy that you are looking for, and I think it will be much healthier for yourself and the person/s you end up with being a partner to. Just my .02.

one last thing - try breaking up your post into paragraphs next time, it will make it much easier for other folks to respond and assist.

I Hope you are well. Feel free to come learn about turning this situation around, how to manage tapers etc. at Health and Recovery - if you feel so inclined

Thank you for your response, with benzos.... i have been on them for 20 years, quit twice.... second time was this year, until the beginning of september (was on 1g pregabalin daily though, 500 morning-500 noon) and doctor said its better to go back on benzos than to keep that much pregabalin as a habit and re prescribed the benzos, it took me 6 months in a institution to get over them, i am one month in since i started re using them again.....already feel aftermath if i don't take them since i tried.

The girl i am talking about is not some rando, she is my active gf and she was able to get clean cold turkey which i applaud her for (was on less than a quarter of what my dosage was) but is still in need of some sort of psychological help which she refuses, what i notice to be lies may be my compulsive paranoid mind, might be observation, might be projections of what i have done in the past to others and see it as a sort of karmic return even though i am not a big believer of karma, i believe something like life recreating certain scenarios but hyping up the intensity to show us exactly how bad we have hurt others since at the time, and until recently i have not experienced intense heartbreak feelings and disregarded them as something serious

Anyway i have talked with her for hours and she assured me in many ways that she loves me and wants us to move in together more than anything and is just concerned about what we could work for a monthly wage to support ourselves. Truth be told she challenges every aspect of my plan to get sober since the best times i have had ever in my lifetime where getting wasted with her and something about matching fully sexually with someone physically, emotionally, metaphysically, in a way that literally distracts you from doing anything else, all the time. And having re-lived that recently after my longest period without any sexual encounter (8 months) the encounter sort of lifted all my self doubt, my depression, my ability to believe in myself, my creativity, my hopes for a great future..... it was always us against the world type of thing and we always managed to get through rough patches easily for more than half a decade.... i really hope she is not pulling my chain and is sincere with me and if that is true we can have a great future together.

As discussed with her, she is sober now and can help me get there as well instead of me getting her into addiction, we can help each other also not only go to the extremes of hedonism and destroy our minds, souls and bodies...while i was in rehab i gained 18 kilograms because of olanzapine, 10 mg morning 10 evening, made me so damn hungry would eat every chance i got as much as i could which is very unlike me, im a scrawny 50-60 kilo dude that loves skateboarding and long-boarding, making music with DAWs synthesizers and drum machines and lived mostly from mining crypto currencies and gathering, trading crypto since 2013, made my first bitcoin playing poker with money won from freerolls (free tournaments with many players usually and very small earnings)

I was one of those people, hated by gamers that just built computers with multiple gpus that mined usually ethereum, but i had other coins i put mining power into also. Re-invested as much as i could, made a pretty decent farm of miners, made a killing when crypto skyrocketed, but along the years lets just say this combination of having access to a lot of crypto plus tor browser possibilities almost killed me and left me almost crypto-less..... and yeah the last of my crypto was poorly handled since it was invested in many alt-coins dapps and web3 domain names and a lot of gpus, Also ordered a bunch of helium miners and planets miners while they were making 10$-15$ daily .... and got them after a year while i was hospitalised then when i got out the profitability of what was once an amazing deal became a joke. And the planets miners i ordered where the only model that got discontinued and they were literally useless to me afterwards. So i completely failed at what was my bread and butter, and now i am broke

So yeah i need to start developing some skills to put the remaining crypto assets to good use (my remaining crypto assets are maybe 1k in value, and like 30 web3 domains which i want to develop web3 - ipfs projects on) so im learning javascript ipfs implementation, node.js, solidity and just basic understanding of this new layer of internet which i really believe in and enjoy learning about.

There is a healthy and harmful way to use many tools we obtain, also there is a healthy and unhealthy way to interact with people around us.... I just need to learn to do the healthy way, and sleep more than 3h per night.... and possibly eat more....

sorry for the paragraph thing, i will try to make my posts easier to read, also i have lived in canada so i am fluent in english but it isn't my first language, my bad for spelling mistakes or maybe oddly formed sentences or ideas etc

 

[zolpidemories]

It's already been said but a relationship isn't good now. I know you care for her but you have to get yourself well.

A couple years ago I ended up in an awful toxic relationship. My methadone doctor at the time said I should wait,my dad was dying , I was just clean etc..
I didn't listen and when dad died my narcissistic bf was angry I got so upset. He was doing drugs and other shit behind my back. It along with other things led to my relapse but I relapsed to fentanyl.

I should have listened. I spent thousands, almost died. Now I'm sober and I have no plans to date anyone until my taper is over and I'm not craving dope.

It does get better. Try to stop the drugs and deal with sleeping at your folks for a bit. It's the best place to be if they are not using.

I get you man, and you are probably right, i might be insane for ignoring some exclamation points, but i still wish for a future with her in it and without the drug dependency thing... just a healthy relationship. She might be a sociopath though .....
i have also gone through fent, car fent furanyl fent and acetylfentanyl binges, i know how bad wds are .... but it was always a price i paid willingly because it was just a day or two, which i took methadone in when it was really bad, like carfent had me on methadone for 5 days before i could get out of bed for anything else than toilet... so i feel you with the fentanyl, it was also my opiate of choice for exactly this reason, short withdrawal time.
hope you are ok and away from fent, wish you are in a good place

A big LOL at my parents using .... they dont even take ibuprofen if they have a headache ... they are understanding people and i am very thankful that they helped me and are helping me, but still i cant stay here forever

A lot going on here, in my opinion.
Agreed that any all stim use be tapered/ceseased as soon as possible. These stims arent what they were decades ago and create a loop of use until we fall into a psychosis of sorts which just ratches up other issues from no sleep or piss poor sleep (non helpful) when we dive into benzos or other drugs to come down and try to rest.
To repeat some above posts; take this one step at a time. If recovery is indeed the end game here be as easy on yourself as possible but def create a rigid hold on where you wanna be at some point and be strong in gaining ground.
Dont blame others if there is a lapse... it only compounds issues, IME.
ATM I am beating myself to death for some decisions I made and feel I am slipping away from a previous state of confidence in sustaining a healthy, stable and safe environment for those I care for.
Not giving up but shit has just taken a sharp turn and I need to focus on what I need to do to get it all back on track... and will if the power resides within me. I can only stare into the pit of darkness so long before deciding on a valid option that can shed some light on environs.
Patience, being open minded, knowing that over half a century has past and still here we are, knowing we have ups and downs and being staltwart are some decent components of existing even when we dont feel them.
We have to start somewhere if we want a change. We only need to find our footing and hope that the next step is the one that brings more optimism.
Life fuckin sucks. lol Hasnt always been so but seeing it through soberish eyes has honed a focus that I have never seen before and now just need to figure out what to do with this.
Yeah it took decades to get where I have ended up and it seems to be not much different than where
I started but the destruction of what I held dear has become my only hope of redemption by trying my damnedest to reverse the damage done and live for others or at least make their lives more "comfortable" or at ease.
Maybe it is all BS in the end but I see no other way to create a better life as painful as it may be to reconcile all these paradoxes (a word i am stuck on).
If it helps at all I am in a bad place and been there for a while. Others are in worse predicaments and this is where I gain when digging out of my hole.

I also understand the beating yourself up for decisions taken or not taken in the past, could have been a billionaire easily if i wasn't a junkie, could still have my own place and the girl i described as my perfect match still close to me if i took it easier with the paranoia and speed-ballin ive been smoking cigarettes since i can remember me as myself and it definitely ruined something in me so i regret starting this horrible habit and this is just a few of my regret

i also understand the looping thing you describe, decades passing, making progress and feeling in the same place instead of better.... or even just like what happened with me and benzos.... 6 months of institutionalisation for withdrawal therapy and i am back on them the first chance they are within reach ? and its the second time i have gone through severe benzo withdrawal, nevermind the opiate withdrawals..... i need to redirect my compulsions to things that aren't destructive, and also help me not be broke ... i have never been a 9 to 5 job type of person, always freelancing always doing something else and my downfall was poor time management and thinking i can be functional on large large portions of poison , hope you will be in a better mental place man and wish you the best

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

but i still wish for a future with her in it and without the drug dependency thing... just a healthy relationship. She might be a sociopath though .....

maybe we get to this later cause I have some thoughts and experiences with this myself lately.
long story i am sure but would love to get some of my owns thoughts out....

they are within reach ?

close lol
i got enough to taper but still at around 1mg a day... thuoght it less than .5mg day but my mathe was way off when producing solution. And it got tainted with some other shit in the water. Pretty though and would fuck ya up if melted completely. Its gone.
Ya know I still get the muscle relaxing properties from it at under .2mg? Amazing imo. Thats really all I need from it but dont feel the need to grab it.
Everyone love to get twisted.
Time and a place ime
Peace

poison ,

yep. we doin it to ourselves everyday... passive, ggressive amd/or maybe even exertive. lol

hope you will be in a better mental place man and wish you the best

getting there bro and thanks. hope the same for you. for reals
my "place" is always been there i need to figure out wtf I am.
And then deal with it.
So far we still here, no?

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

seems i keep editing my posts (spelling is way off but blind so) is there a notification if there be and edit?
maybe to sth... i dk f it
one
p